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  #81  
Old 04-11-2013, 03:45 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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I have been following this since the beginning, and it reminds me of the few crappy relationships i had (ageist warning - cover your eyes if the truth hurts them) WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE that i stayed in because the sex was pretty awesome and i thought i'd never have such great sex with anyone else. These people took advantage of me in other ways but i kept going back to them or not leaving in the first place because of the sex. I told myself that if i waited a little longer, the problems would fix themselves, that the person would get a job, they would wash their dishes, they would stop being an uptight conservative prick, etc. but oh yeah until then, the sex is still great.

This will work itself out one way or another. Ask yourself in 10 or 20 years, "what the HELL was i thinking? Why did i stay even THAT long?" because that's what i say to myself. You think you looooooove someone, but what you looooooove is this idealized version of them that you have created in your mind and are trying to get them to live up to in real life. Does not work; but don't take my word for it. You will learn these things for yourself sooner or later.
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  #82  
Old 04-11-2013, 04:29 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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Me and BF have both grown and I do see myself with him ten years down the line we both have the same goals in life we are practically coincide very well but she just always seems to feel either something isn't fair to her or the past bothers her. We have both told her if you can't get over it then leave cus we can't take it especially me my next solution is to form a V so that it can potentially be less stressful for me and she won't feel like it's not fair to her or any other problems won't come up if not then ill stick to my original decision and leave them both I don't want to leave him but if he is going to keep puttin lg up with her tantrums then he can on his own even though he says he won't he says me and him decided to let her in so we both stay together even if she leaves, i don't know seems like she's trying to wear me down sometimes. It's so tiring!!!
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  #83  
Old 04-11-2013, 05:25 PM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Yup, it sure is tiring. Shitty relationships suck the energy right out of you, they sure do, that's a fact.

Also, when you hit your head over and over with a hammer, then stop, it feels SO GOOD. You should try it sometime.
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  #84  
Old 04-11-2013, 08:29 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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it does suck especially when you put so much effort. I can not deny that she has been trying and has been more open and less temperamental but, it still happens and i just want to make sure im not going to spend the rest of my life this way. i do love her and i don't want this to go sour and i love my BF to death and he does treat me good, yes there are minor set backs but, that's with any relationship, i believe its became more hectic between me and him because of her and her demands on what she wants in the relationship resulting in more distance and less communication between me and him because hes always willing to give her a chance after she goes and starts demanding and acting like a child.
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  #85  
Old 04-12-2013, 10:13 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It seems that he's making a lot of concessions for her. Try to be objective about whether someone's loving words match up with their "loving" actions. Try a V at first if you have to and see what happens.
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  #86  
Old 04-12-2013, 02:08 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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i will try a v if everything starts getting hectic again. im staying positive. so far everything has been smooth and settled, we are beginning to sleep through the night again and from what im aware of no one is feeling a type of way. so some days are better than others but, im just hoping for the turn around point already. BF i have notice has been less tolerant of her behavior but isnt trying to be neglectful either which is good in my opinion. if that isnt enough for her then idk what is it that she wants because she gets our attention and love and i think that speaks for itself but, like i said, if all else fails a v should be started and if that doesnt work then i guess being single is the solution
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  #87  
Old 04-12-2013, 06:08 PM
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NutBusterX NutBusterX is offline
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All brevity and seriousness (and some punctuation) discarded, there are days when i read this thread and feel all the exhaustion and stress the relationship must be imparting on those involved. I applaud your commitment to the process.
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  #88  
Old 04-12-2013, 07:54 PM
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I do sincerely feel bad for the girlfriend in this situation. I am convinced that she has some kind of terrible chemical witchery at work inside her. I think this way because I am a victim of such witchery myself, and I have been known to hurt people who didn't deserve it. The irony is, I was suffering myself while I was dealing out that hurt.

The tough thing is that you, anya1991, must also take care of yourself. You cannot let someone else's darkness swallow you whole. So please be careful in measuring how much abuse you will endure, and if it gets to be too much, set yourself free.

I'm kind of encouraged that things seem to be going better at the moment, but let's see how they'll continue. Remember, the amount of crap your boyfriend condones from your girlfriend, says something about how much he cares about you. I guess he has a thin line to walk, but he needs to not let the girlfriend's angry demands suck up all his attention and love.

No matter what happens, I (and lots of other folks here on Polyamory.com) are pulling for you.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #89  
Old 04-17-2013, 04:01 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
You think you looooooove someone, but what you looooooove is this idealized version of them that you have created in your mind and are trying to get them to live up to in real life. Does not work; but don't take my word for it. You will learn these things for yourself sooner or later.
I second that. It's especially dangerous when the person changes a little bit and moves ever so slightly towards "your" goal for them, because it gives you hope that they're going to make this complete transformation eventually and they just need more time...more time...more time.

The reality is, people have to want to change themselves, and they have to want it for the right reasons. She might be checking her behaviour, but what are her motivations? Does she genuinely want to be in a triad, or does she just want a dyad with your boyfriend and you out of the picture? Maybe she's just making these changes so that the bf doesn't kick her out, and biding her time until you and bf fall apart.

Quote:
Originally Posted by anya1991 View Post
if that isnt enough for her then idk what is it that she wants because she gets our attention and love and i think that speaks for itself but, like i said, if all else fails a v should be started and if that doesnt work then i guess being single is the solution
You honestly don't know what she wants? I do, and I think you do too.

She wants your boyfriend all to herself. She's not the sharing type. She doesn't want your attention and love, she wants his. More than that, she wants your attention and love to be directed at some other person that isn't her boyfriend.

From what you've said, it's clear that you know she isn't into this arrangement. Why she's staying with it is anyone's guess. I suspect it's just because she doesn't want to lose the boyfriend, and this is the price of admission.

Why do you keep telling yourself that it's "working" just because she isn't blowing up anymore? Is she treating you the way you need to be treated in a relationship? Is she showing YOU attention and love? Are you satisfied making your romantic life all about her?
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  #90  
Old 04-17-2013, 05:53 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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I feel like you just looked into my soul, and read everything I was feeling. I honestly think she is only here dealing with me because she wants him. I have felt like I am more of someone who is a friend to her since we have both been through some ups and downs with bf and that's why she's comfortable with me. Yesterday though she had a argumetb with bf and told him that she feels like he's changed and isn't the same Stanley to her. He's not sweet and romantic even though she isn't the type. Bf told her we have all changed in a sense yet I have realized I can't be cold and heartless to the one I love so me and him do continue to talk how we used to talk. He in turn told her that she has changed and she isn't the sweet person he met either. She proceeded to by statig that's her and I both have a reason to change he has done so much ( I stayed out of the argument) and it does take a toll. The thing is I understand it will cause a change in attitude but, I realized I accepted everything and forgave bf for past faults so I can not continue to hold a grudge on the past. It's a new movement we are going for and the attitude she has has been constant even when she says she is over things the underlying attitude she had over flows the "I'm okay with everything" persona she portrays. Yesterday I told bf that it sucks because I'm an open minded person and I'm trying a trinagomous relationship because I was indeed curious and free spirited in the decision, since the beginning she has stated it wasn't temporary and that this wasn't what she wants. Now it is but I still have my doubts boyfriend says to think positive but how can I when I can sense it all over her. Yesterday I was sick and really needed them both and bf was going to take me to the hospital and before she left for work she had an attitude then left without kissing bf goodbye. She kissed me though. Later on during the day while we were at the hospital she started texting him telling him I don't think you can handle two girlfriends and that her feelings and her well being arent being considered when we have made sure that she is well considered and that is what led to the argument of the night. I'm standing by my bf side but gf thinks that every time she says how she feels we are attacking her but its not the case it's the fact that everytime she expresses herself it's about how we don't care and how bf doesn't show her attention which he does. It's overwhelming really is I told bf last night I honesty think that she's just putting up with me just to be wih you after all he is her first real bf and serious relationship. He told me if that's true she will get tired and she will want to leave but that we just have to see if she really is just seeking for him to let me go or is here for the both of us, I'm in a constant limbo cus she claims she does want me but feels like we don't care for her how is that so I accepted this relationship I accepted her and I brought her into my home.
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