Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > Introductions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #71  
Old 04-04-2013, 07:49 AM
SchrodingersCat's Avatar
SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Saskatchewan
Posts: 2,400
Default

If they really wanted to save the relationship, they would have changed their behaviour to meet your needs.

They can beg and plead, but they can't stop you from leaving. It's not up to them. It takes two people to agree to be in a relationship, but it only takes one person to choose to end it.

This whole time you've been talking to us, all you've talked about is how much you want to leave. So what's stopping you, really? There must be something holding you back. It's clear you want to leave and you don't see any hope for salvaging the relationship, but you're still there, so there must be some reason?

Find that reason and deal with it so you can make a clean getaway.
__________________
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.
—bisexualbaker

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 04-04-2013 at 07:53 AM.
Reply With Quote
  #72  
Old 04-04-2013, 09:48 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,878
Default

In a word, how are they able to talk you into staying? What weight do their words carry in your mind?
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #73  
Old 04-10-2013, 05:31 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 47
Default

in all honesty i love him. and i think thats why i stay. i love her too but not the same because its been so rocky that she hasnt given me the actual chance to love her how i have wanted to. i know it may sound like an insubstantial excuse to state but, when i see myself walking out that door i see my potential life with him in the future vanish. she has become part of me but its been so hectic that its hard for me to relax and just take her all in because its so crazy. the lack of communication skill between me and BF also damper our relationship because of the bickering among us. there's been more fights. not that there wont be arguments but, they escalate pretty badly, something i do not want to continue. I honestly think sometimes i am just going insane but, sometimes i am like no i am not. She does spiteful things and wants alot of things her way and throws a tantrum or gets an attitude or cries if she doesnt. Its like nothing is ever good enough and i cant live like that. I told them that. even though hes constantly asking me if ill stay if GF decides to leave, i feel like it wont happen. I do love her but sometimes i do wish she would leave, because me and BF get along fine, sometimes he doesnt even bring her up im the one who reminds him. we both are on basic grounds when it comes to the relationship, she is more of the iffy onbe in situations. also, this is her first real relationship, and then on top of if its with two people now instead of one so i feel like her childish ways will put a damper on progress. it hurts because i have been so open to her and now she has opened up tremendously but its opening up on her terms. its seems that alot of miniscule things bother her. for example we had plans yesterday and BF wanted to just stay around the neighborhood and go to the park. i was already in that type of mood even wanting to buy a glove to play catch. i met up with BF at a local store and told GF that we met up and will be home in about 5 mins. her demeanor changed after i said that. we got home and she was in a bad mood. already she was thinking about past things and with an attitude and once BF told her we werent going out out we were just staying around and going to the park she got extremely upset and made plans with a friend to go out. she went to a restaurant lounge. The girl she went out with has a rep of lying and being sneaky towards he BF so our BF was a bit worried about it. when she got home she didnt even want to lay next to me it had to be next to BF. and she explained that it was hot but in reality the side she was on was fine as soon as she layed next to me she got upset and after a sel pity party of crying had boyfriend lay in the middle. she made a show twice yesterday crying when we are supposed to move forward. and everytime i call her out on her behavior she has more than one excuse or she doesnt know why she feels like that or said it or doesnt remember or something. all i want to do is be happy without having to lose my BF in the process because of the back and forth. He begs me to just stay no matter what, and everytime i look at him all i could think is i dont want to lose you in this process i just want to be closer if anything. My eyes swell up just writing this the worst feeling in the world is being tormented in your own relationship. its like you know when someone says something to you and your thinking thats a load of crap and you know its a load of crap? thats how i feel alot with GF. things she says and does dont add up. like ifyou want to be here than just be happy otherwise be honest. I honestly just dont want to lose BF even though my heart and mind are telling me i might not be able to deal with this forever. Hope all is well with you all though. Sending my well wishes to everyone who has supported and has lent a shoulder for me.
Reply With Quote
  #74  
Old 04-10-2013, 06:08 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915
Default

So in a brief summary...you put up with her moodiness and bullshit because you love him? I am not sure how you love someone like her, which is why I opted not to ask. How about you end the relationship with her? Let your boyfriend deal with her overemotional, immature behaviour. I am not in the business of telling people when they should not be with someone, but who has time for a grown woman's temper tantrums? I do not coddle people, and I do not even allow my own children to have temper tantrums. You said you feel like it is babysitting? Stop babysitting. You can move out, or she can move out. Something has to change. You clearly wanted out. Stop letting that love hold you in place. They beg and plead for you to stay, and then, nothing changes. Meanwhile, you are still miserable and unhappy. If she was receptive to your love and the way you want to love her, she would not be fighting tooth and nail and doing things to push you away. She sounds downright bloody immature. How old is this duckie? This is her first real relationship? Oh heavens. She is in over her head, and it is showing in the form of her drowning. She gets upset when you mention her behaviour. Two relationships at the same time? She needs to learn how to balance one before she dares to venture into poly.

-Ry
Reply With Quote
  #75  
Old 04-10-2013, 07:34 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 47
Default

yea i know. we tried talking and it leads no where. Its like i try to forget the past and then she has an issue which brings up the past and it just sets the balls rolling. she doesn't trust him and that shows in every little thing because that erupts tantrums. im an easy going kind of person i tend to go with the flow, and she is very its not fair to me type of person. I know i have flaws and that i have done things in this relationship as well that i shouldnt have, yes there were times i was upset and acted up but i try not to let that inner urge out, out of respect for myself and them and i have apologized for it every single time. But she has from day one always had some sort of problem. shes tried breaking us up and making him choose in the beginning of the relationship and has done alot to manipulate everything to her liking by making a big deal out of small things or simply just tryiing to have it all her way. it cant be that way i told BF today we all need to sit down and talk cus i dont like the immaturity. BTW she is 19, my BF will be 21 in may and I turned 22 in feb. its all of things that i have lost count but i told BF i need a break cus it will result in you and me also breaking up in the long run.
Reply With Quote
  #76  
Old 04-10-2013, 09:58 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,878
Default

Hmmm, I am thinking she has some kind of emotional/chemical/hormonal problems, and needs some professional help. It's not good for anyone when one person is upset *all the time,* and from what I've read at least it sounds like she's upset all the time (or 99% of the time). She needs some meds, or counseling, or both.

I can respect that you want to stay with your boyfriend, but remember that he is contributing to this problem too, by letting the girlfriend stay. He should put is foot down. I also like FullofLove1052's suggestion that maybe it would be good for you to have a place of your own to live, even if you don't break up with anyone. You could use more peace and less drama. Also like FullofLove1052 said, you do not have to keep trying to be involved with the girlfriend here, you can just stay involved with your boyfriend and leave it at that. This doesn't have to be a triad, it can be a V.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #77  
Old 04-10-2013, 10:00 PM
nancyfore's Avatar
nancyfore nancyfore is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: CA
Posts: 163
Default

I guess I'm showing my age here but your only 22.. I know breaking up is hard, but your going to have plenty of people come and go in your life and living miserably for any amount of time is not good..

There has to be a point where you say you want happiness and leave the situation and let them work it out. You might love him but love isn't always the reason to stay if love equals unhappiness. Also there is always someone out there that will treat you the way you want and deserve to be treated and you aren't going to find it by sitting in a house and letting someone mistreat you.

I agree with FOL I wouldn't tolerate temper tantrums and also don't allow the children here to throw them, and wouldn't tolerate it from a grown woman. Though your not exactly describing the behavior of a grown woman.

I also don't know how many times you have said you want to move out or she has to move out, but I do know that threatening or talking about it without acting on it and showing you mean what you say leads everyone around you to not take you seriously when you are at the breaking point. If your dealing with someone that immature you have to say what you mean and be prepared to act on it.
Reply With Quote
  #78  
Old 04-10-2013, 10:06 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 11,878
Default

Yeah, I have to agree with that.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #79  
Old 04-11-2013, 01:51 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Jan 2013
Posts: 47
Default

you are all right. ive been pulling myself in two directions because of these ups and downs. i understand that everyone is different and that people act differently but some of the things she does there is no explanation for. she justifies them with reasons that dont even coincide with the situation, then finally says its because of the past and what BF has done. if she cant move on she is putting a damper on us all. BF and I BOTH have spoken to her and its like it doesn't seem to fall through sometimes. I really do want to work this out with them both yet, if it wont let up i have to let out. then when i say im leaving BF gets upset because he claims "im breaking up with both" when he knows that its because of her i want to leave when in reality its both because he doesnt see how her behavior since day one has made me feel. I mean he has seen how it hurts me and our relationship and him as well but he brushes it off like it will change. its three months of the same thing. you know i was always told people do not change they just learn and understand more, they mature if you want to put it that way. and for them to be living in my house it has gotten a touch more real for her. She realizes it isnt always rainbows and butterflies and that when people live together you have to accept the fact that its a responsibility. BF told me yesterday he is so sorry for everything i was put through because she has felt a certain way. Since the beginning she has thought this wasn't going to work it was a temporary fix and that she honestly thought that she was going to walk out of this relationship with BF. we continued to tell her since the beginning that that is not what we are intending. me and him both planned to be in this for the long haul and that we werent going to leave eachother. since then she has still tried to manipulate or intimacy, our alone time, how much we interact by either throwing a fit or just plain simply telling him so. He has animatedly has expressed to her if you are not comfortable you can leave but i will not let you call the shots on how i act with my own GF, its selfish for that you go and be with someone who isnt in this type of relationship. He does back me up 100% i just think hes trying to show her the bigger picture and make her grow up. She has relaxed alooooott in this and has eased in more but the baby fits here and there still are a power struggle to get her way i know it is i can sense it from the pit of my stomach. you guy all mean well and i thank you for that, if worst come gto worst i will offer a V formation that way she can move out and i wont have to worry and she can still feel like shes getting all of him when he sees her.
Reply With Quote
  #80  
Old 04-11-2013, 02:20 PM
FullofLove1052 FullofLove1052 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2012
Location: English Rose by birth; Calling the Southern Hemi home by choice.
Posts: 915
Default

Code red. She was predicting doom from day one, and she thought she was basically going to steal your boyfriend from you? (The walking away with your boyfriend reference.) It sounds like she had ulterior motives in the form of ending up with your boyfriend, and she had to go along with being into you to be with him. You might care for her, but why did she even get into the relationship if she was not really into it? This is a case of her being in over her head x 10. This child--yes child--is not equipped to handle a relationship of this magnitude. It is not about her. The relationships at hand are:

you + your boyfriend
you + your girlfriend
your girlfriend + your boyfriend
you + your girlfriend + your boyfriend.

If this is her first real relationship, she is stuck on dynamic #2 and forgetting about the other ones that are equally important. I am not even that old, but in my eyes, she is child, still has milk on her breath, and is wet behind the ears. She has no life experience and no experience with relationships, and it is apparent. What on earth made her think she was ready to be in a poly relationship without even having one successful relationship under her belt?

She sees that she is causing problems between you and your boyfriend. She knows what she is doing. And your boyfriend is way out of line when he says he will leave you both if you leave. That should tell you how much he "loves" you right there. Next time he says it, leave, look over your shoulder, and tell him "bye." Walk out and shrug it off. You are 22, and it may seem like he was meant to be the one or what have you. Sweetie, a real man does not say things like that. He is willing to leave you heartbroken because you are tired of dealing with her immaturity and you want out? I say let your boyfriend go and be with her. If you are just determined to stay with him, break up with her. She does not act like she wants to be with you any way. She can transition from girlfriend to your metamour and be one leg of the V.

She needs to move out of your home. I refuse to be uncomfortable in my home. I refuse to have drama, so I stop it before it even enters the front door. My home is my sanctuary. If your boyfriend wants to follow her when--not if--she moves out, let him go. He can deal with her inconsiderate, immature, childish behaviour.

-Ry
Reply With Quote
Reply

Tags
confused, forgiveness, immaturity, love, not ready for polyamory

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 03:09 AM.