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  #51  
Old 03-26-2013, 07:20 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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thank you ive been distant with them both, the lack of intimacy has left a little gap between me and boyfriend i find myself very cold at times with him. im willing to hear girfriend out and left her show me she is really into me not becuase of boyfriend, hope all goes well, i just honestly need to sit one on on with boyfriend like i did with girlfriend and just clear the air. as i explained in the beginning of this thread, he has been unfaithful to her with me and then to me with her so there is animosity and some harbored feelings there not so much of the cheating because i forgiven and forgotten but more of the fact thatg its not the same relationship now and he needs to understand that not all goes away with a wave of a wand and these issues have only made me retract myself more so pulling me back into his wing will be a little harder this time around. this isnt out one on one relationship anymore so he needs to realize that i wont be the same way its alot of different factors which i know i have to work on as well. keep you guys posted thanks again. BTW dont know your relationship statuses but i wish you all the best.
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  #52  
Old 03-26-2013, 11:41 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well I appreciate that. It does sound like you need to clear the air with your boyfriend, first of all because maybe you need him to do a little more to rebuild the trust, and second because it's a poly relationship which is a somewhat different dynamic than a monogamous relationship.

I'm sure you guys will get your chance to talk. Ask him to set a time for it, if that would help facilitate things.

Best wishes to you,
Kevin T.
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  #53  
Old 03-27-2013, 08:16 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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So far no real chance to talk to boyfriend, especially with stress from other aspects of life, yesterday we hit a rock but managed to steer away from it after the crash with just minor bumps. seems like they are both trying. Maybe its just me that is now over it after everyone took their time to neglect and ignore me in this all. I have become very distant and cold and some what mean, but with all reasons. its not that i want to be, its just that actions reciprocate responses and if they are negative they will bring negative. But then again I have already set a time limit like i said earlier in the post, so if it truly cant pass this very rocky stage then I know that the towel will need to ultimately be hung. for now im just going to accept their attempts to show they care and stop over analyzing and just also start to live my life again. Go out with friends enjoy hobbies i like and just be me whole heartily. ive started to set alone time as well as time with them as well as time with friends as well as time to do things i enjoy that i have left in the dust. its only right to rebuild myself after so much i owe it to myself. Hope all is well in your relationships to you all. sending love your way!!
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  #54  
Old 03-27-2013, 10:13 PM
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Sounds like you are doing what you need to do to take care of yourself, not being dependent on the others for your well-being, but willing to work something out if it's fair to everyone.

Hope things continue to improve.
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #55  
Old 03-28-2013, 02:47 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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everything seems to be easing up. spoke to boyfriend this morning. and explained that there is alot of factors that have led to emotional withdrawal and strain. But he does listens and understands and explains that now its time to move forward from it. he isnt trying to deny me my affection, he wants to show me that he loves us equally and that is the reason we have all come together because of love. i told him that sometimes i just feel like he forgets he has two girlfriends and just needs to be aware that now if girlfriend has let go of her issues that he needs to focus on us both. In order for us to all come and unite completely i know that i need to also leave behind the emotions of neglect and betrayal. it uplifted me that talk because it reassured me of my through think and thin pledge. Ive always told him no matter what ill always been here and lately i felt like sticking around wasnt the best decision for me. girlfriend has been great no problems and boyfriend has just been basically making up for time he has put me on the back burner to give extra attention to her. he says its not only you here its us three its equal. you are your own person yes and when your out in the world you show that but when youcome home to us its us three our life dont forget we are all in this together im not going to leave you behind never. thank again for all your love and support
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  #56  
Old 03-28-2013, 09:49 PM
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Glad to hear things are going better.
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  #57  
Old 03-29-2013, 09:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anya1991 View Post
I have become very distant and cold and some what mean, but with all reasons. its not that i want to be, its just that actions reciprocate responses and if they are negative they will bring negative.
You are responsible for your own behaviours. You are not a leaf in the wind, with no control over your path. You choose your reactions. Saying that you have reasons for being cold and mean is just a way to pass the blame for your own choices and behaviours.

Their negative behaviour may cause you negative feelings and thoughts, but you are still responsible for the way you respond to those feelings and thoughts. If you need to step away so that you can calm down and not be mean, then do it. Returning negative behaviour with negative behaviour only creates a viscous cycle in which no one accepts responsibility for their actions.
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  #58  
Old 03-29-2013, 10:12 PM
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In other words, be the good example here.
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  #59  
Old 04-02-2013, 05:32 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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your right guys, but its like even when i try and be receptive something is wrong. This weekend has been very tough for me because i was just informed my mother has returned into a relationship with an abusive ex of hers, who couldve nearly killed her. I looked for the compassion and love and strength in my partners. yesterday i was home with boyfriend and we had what was to me a great day we finally have started to be less cold to one another and i remembered that im still with him because yes in fact i still do love him. girlfriend was working, it got a little late and i wasnt able to cook since i was running around and my head was all over the place due to the news of my mother, and so we let girlfriend know we were going to order in. she became deeply upset and in conclusion lost her appetite. i was a tad bit upset since i didnt see it as a big deal since the following day which is today boyfriend had off and he was going to make up for the meal. he told me not to cook it was late and he knew i had a lot on my mind. about an hour and a half later me and boyfriend laid down and without noticing fell asleep. girlfriend came home a bit later from work and found us sleeping and instead of trying to wake us up she nudged boyfriend once saw he didnt respond and proceeded to put her stuff on and walk out and telling us to have a goodnight. boyfriend got up, disoriented and went to chase her and brought her in and there it started... another argument. over the fact, that we fell out unintentionally. now i know i am going to sound a bit selfish right now but please take to consideration that all ive tried to do is make girlfriend comfortable in this whole realtionship. and i have put my feelings last to please her and not disappoint boyfriend but, i was upset because she knew ive had a rough few days due to my mother and i havent gotten much peace. i have been extremely tired and i had fallen out on a monday the first and most tiring day of the work week. she began to say that its very inconsiderate that we didnt wait up for her, and that she comes home late and we should be greeting her at the door. she became to complain about another time where we fell asleep like this, yet fails to realize we always wait for her up with a hot meal waiting for her. I explained to her that these are minuscule things that shouldnt even be an issue because one day out of 365 will not hurt to be found asleep. Ive found boyfriend sleeping many times and its not an issue if someone is tired who am i to be upset that they fell asleep. i wouldnt deprive any one of that. but she continued to be upset which in turn cause boyfriend to get upset and when hes upset he tends to yell. im honestly exhausted of the yelling and bickering about every little thing, she proceeds to tell me that shes been upset because boyfriend has been acting distant and that im ignoring the fact that he has, and i myself have also had to face the fact that boyfriend is acting that way but i just accepted the fact that you reep what you sow, meaning i too have fault for him to act differently towards me and she has fault in it too as well as he. i have tried about three times to end this relationship, with them telling me me leaving isnt the solution. but last night i fell asleep thinking solely about my mother, and the possible danger she faces going back into the arms of the man that once put her in the hospital. and i realized there is so much more that im not focusing on because i am too focused on them. and its honestly like she wants extra attention. she didnt wake me up last night she woke up boyfriend to complain. so i knew from that moment she was upset initially with boyfriend because thats who she really wants the attention from. but to make a big deal deal over a nap and argue about it for two hours and continue to say we were wrong honestly puts me over my head on if i can handle this anymore. its too many people and too many emotions and not enough mutual ground for any side to compromise, its like nothing is ever enough, and im at my wits end. last night what happened shouldnt have happened, see there was space on my side, so she couldve laid down next to me and curled into me , but instead she chose to try and nudge boyfriend over and he was sound asleep so made a show and walked out. I know this may sound silly but im very receptive of emotions and body language and she acted last night as if we left her behind, and she also remarked "you guys always do everything without me" which is not true at all. we all had this raging fight that i just thought its enough, and once i put my foot down, and say im tired which i did say last night and that i want to be single, they want to try to patch things up. girlfriend was upset because she claims that i beg boyfriend to stay after arguments and not her but i always run after her and tell her to please reconsider, and im just tired of begging them both to lets all just get along. I know my actions are wrong as well because i can not feed negative energy with more negative energy, but i think its time for us all to start new. honestly i dont know where there heads are but i think as of for me i need to start new. the other day i had a falling out with boyfriend over some very harsh words he told me, and i explained to her he may not treat you that but he does to me and it has to stop so its not only because of you i want to end this relationship, its because of him and also because of myself and who i have become in it. i love boyfriend because initially thats who i fell in love with before this all and i love girlfriend too but i think this chapter as really ended for me but they wont let me go, and last night i felt like i was undermined about how im feeling. boyfriend says i always want to leave when things go wrong but honestly, me and boyfriend arent the same as we once was, and he knows it might never be the same way again. through this whole process all im thinking is im giving them my all and right now i should be giving my mother my all, ive been so consumed in this relationship that i wasnt there for my mother to help her be stronger and to not run back to this horrible man, my heart is sunken deeper than it has already sunk and all i honestly want to do do is be alone and mend it....last night they made up and thought it was all fine but im not okay, ive been trying to call it quits for sometime now, and i dont see improvement for me to think otherwise....
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  #60  
Old 04-02-2013, 06:51 PM
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Be strong Anya, they are not keeping you prisoner and you do not need anyone's approval or permission to leave a desperate situation!!

Take care of yourself and don't take all the emotional burden of g/f, b/f or even your mother. You must do what is best for you right now.

((hugs))
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