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  #41  
Old 03-22-2013, 09:27 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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Thank you, as of right now they are trying to make me reconsider my decision, and talk it out I just see the same pattern and I honestly just see her holding on to this relationship because she doesn't want to lose him. When is enough when she says again she isn't comfortable with me and him romantically alone again, and she can its not like to always be stern about situations but I won't put my foot down here. I'm in my house feeling like I have to watch everything I do. I will still consider other poly options in the future for now I will see what happens but my ultimate decision is being and just enjoying me for now. Thanks for all the love and support I will tell you all how the conversation later goes.
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  #42  
Old 03-22-2013, 09:46 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by anya1991 View Post
i have just found out that a few days ago my girlfriend told my boyfriend that she didnt want him having relations alone with me, yet she does in fact have relations with him alone, she doesnt with me because i know shes not comfortable, she doesnt ever want to have relations with us both becuase i know thats not what she wants. so i finally came to the decision today that this isnt going to work out for me, i can not be with someone that selfish, she will never change even if she says she has it will always be a problem, unfortunately this means i have also lost the initial love of my life my boyfriend. but i guess thats the price i pay and maybe its what i need, no more drama no more jealousy, no more feeling neglected because she feels her needs arent being met. thank you guys all for your love and support, although i like this site i might not return again due to thinkin that a trinogamous relationship might not work out for me again in the future, even though the thought of it would be pleasant.
So she doesn't want you to have sex with him without her, but she doesn't want to have sex with you with him... so basically, she doesn't want you to have sex with him at all. Well, that's no surprise, it sounds like that's how she's been acting all along.

Have you considered transitioning this relationship to a "vee?" There's no reason you and she have to be together as a couple. They don't have to live with you, either. Or he can live with you but you can ask her to move out. Clearly it's not working as a triad, but that doesn't mean it can't work in some other form. That way, you wouldn't have to deal with her baggage so much. You can set out your own boundaries and needs in terms of what you require in a relationship with him, and she can do the same. Then it's up to him to figure out if he can balance all of that.

Honestly, I don't think she's cut out for polyamory. Some people just aren't, and there's nothing wrong with that. The problem is that she's being pressured into a situation that doesn't fit for her. I blame him for that, by threatening each of you that he'll leave the other if one of you leaves him. That's pretty selfish. It puts the burden of the other woman's relationship on each of your shoulders. That's manipulative.
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"Love is not breathlessness, it is not excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion. That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves we are. Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident. " -- Louis de Bernières

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 03-22-2013 at 09:53 PM.
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  #43  
Old 03-25-2013, 01:50 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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We tried yet again to go at this and im still seeing the same results, she says she wants this and thats why im overwhelmed because i made a decision to leave this relationship this weekend and they both begged me not to leave, i think its more she doesnt want me to leave because hell leave, and he doesnt tell me he'll leave me if she leaves he says he'll leave if i leave because she was always making him choose between us or always wanting to leave this relationship. She says we have her full commitment but then she doesnt want to interact sexually. And for the record she does have relations with him but when im involved there is always an excuse it just happened last night yet again and during this weekend after having them both tell me they want me there me and our boyfriend thought it would be nice if we all got romantic and she thought we were leaving her out and she got uncomfortable. i dont know how she felt left out when we all were agreeing we were going to be intimate, she initially took her time to get in the groove and then just decided she was uncomfortable, our boyfriend doesnt want a vee, its more complicated and she will definitely badger him about being intimate with me alone if it turns into a vee, she already has an issue with him being intimate with me and she can continue to say shes getting over it but i know its not going to change. and in result im becoming distant and it upsets our boyfriend because i dont want to get close to him because god forbid she has a problem with it. im at my wits end i cant continue this vicious circle twice this weekend i was denied intimacy with them both, and it was her fault yet again. we include her if anything hes always trying to give her extra attention so she can feel more comfortable and its now becoming a nuisance for me, and he wants me to be patient but i have been, shes constantly saying how her solution was celibacy but that isnt something i want, if thats what she thinks is best then maybe i t should just step out of the relationship. but no they continue to beg me to talk it over and stay and honestly im just tired of trying to satisfy her, because i need to satisfy myself as well. whats a girl to do
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  #44  
Old 03-25-2013, 10:24 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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It's up to you, but this doesn't sound like a healthy relationship for you. Personally I see no reason why you and boyfriend shouldn't get to have sex just the two of you, especially if she *is* allowed to have sex alone with him, and balks when it's all three of you. Where does that leave you? It seems very unfair.

I would tell them that if you are going to stay, then they are going to have to adjust some of the unfair rules. And maybe your boyfriend should open his mind a little about letting this thing be a V, if that's what it needs to be.

It's obviously not working the way things are; something's got to change.

I hope you find an answer to your dilemma and get some more peace in your life. I am always here to help if I can.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #45  
Old 03-25-2013, 10:41 PM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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Unhappy

Thank you I'm trying hard to not let it get to me but I can only handle so much if she continues this negative thinking and jealousy and this so called getting used to this thing still attitude then idk because it feels like she will never get used to this, it's a do or don't not try I feel because we have already been in this relationship for two months going on three and I just can't fathom how she till not comfortable she practically lives in my house now they both do. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a convinience becaus I have my own apartment cus once I want to leave they are begging me to stay but if she claims she has feelings for me romantically then she should initiate at least once because I have tried and have been turned down she's. very indecisive person. I need people with stability in my life because I'm wishy washy I'm sorry I'm very into zodiac and I'm a Pisces and we are very wishy washy. And it seems like in all this I'm very firm in what I want and very aware of what I got into and how it should be going and feel like for the first time it's me whose stable on my decision until she brings the negative which makes me away in that negative cesspool. Thank you for yor support everyone It means alot to me
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  #46  
Old 03-25-2013, 11:15 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Well please keep us posted, and let us know however we can help. Sometimes it helps just to have a place to vent, and know there's listening and sympathetic ears here for you.

It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of negativity and uncertainty, which you don't need. Please set healthy boundaries, and take care of yourself. Don't let yourself be talked into a situation that isn't good for you; put your foot down and insist on some changes for the better.

With regards,
Kevin T.
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  #47  
Old 03-26-2013, 02:15 AM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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I will so far she is just saying that she messed up in the pat but is not the case now and that she recently really wasn't trying to not be intimate she was just tired and really wasn't up for it but that she no longer feels like she once did about me and out boyfriend beig intimate alone. So far they both are starting to realize that I have feelings too and they are finally stepping up and taking precaution around them.
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  #48  
Old 03-26-2013, 03:54 AM
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So it is now okay for you and boyfriend to be intimate just the two of you -- am I reading that right? (I hope so.)

I will continue to follow your thread and see how things are going.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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  #49  
Old 03-26-2013, 04:01 AM
anya1991 anya1991 is offline
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Yes she said this weekend wasn't about jealous she was just really tired from work and an outing we all took. That she really didnt have that conversation that weekend for me to stay just to act the same way before because she really doesn't want to lose me. There are still problems that I have to solve with boyfriend and that will be all on its own but I'm hopefully for those to solve quickly. Keep you posted on more enjoyr your night!!
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  #50  
Old 03-26-2013, 04:10 AM
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Thanks; look forward to more of your posts.
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