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  #1  
Old 11-08-2010, 07:00 PM
SkeeterV SkeeterV is offline
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Default My wife is scared I'll leave

My wife, Flea has a boyfriend. They've been an item for a while now. She started her relationship with him before we were poly. In fact, when I found out about them, she told me she was in love with both of us and didn't want to give up either one. That's when I started to do some research. I found out about poly and presented the concept to her. She agreed that was what she was feeling and we began the long process of changing our lovestyle. I wasn't convinced at first, but I have slowly come to the conclusion that I too am poly.

Recently I reconnected with an old live-in girlfriend of mine. Things heated up quickly, and now we are in a full blown romantic relationship. My wife supported and even encouraged me to pursue this relationship and I was open and honest with her about every step along the way. But now that I have deep feelings for my new love, and I am going to see her soon, my wife is frightened I'm going to leave her.

I'm not going to leave her. She is the mother of my children, and my life mate. I feel like this is a double standard. It's okay for her to have another relationship, but not me. I'm terrified, angry, and in the throws of some pretty powerful NRE all at the same time. I'm sure someone has been in similar situation. Any advice would be helpful.
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:37 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Hi, I'm new here and just beginning to learn about polyamory for myself, so forgive my inexperience. However, if I were in a relationship and afraid that my partner would leave and he said to me directly what you wrote in your last paragraph, I think good honest communication would come of it. I really got from those first two sentences how much she means to you. And what you wrote after that does address important stuff to discuss with her. Just my two cents. All the best to you.
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:41 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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I agree that it sounds like a bit of a double standard. but I think you have an excellent base for discussion - when she got her boyfriend, did she plan on leaving you?

If she didn't, then get her to talk a little about why not. Get her to talk in as much detail as she can. Then try to identify what, if anything, is substantially different in your case.

If she DID plan on leaving you and didn't for some reason, then you can ask her why she didn't....
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Old 11-08-2010, 07:53 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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@Skeeter- I do seem to sense a bit of a double standard. I have a question though. You mentioned that your wife had a boyfriend before you became poly so does that mean she was cheating on you? The reason I ask is because whatever your wife's conduct, prior to this current arrangement, may be fueling her insecurities. I agree with ny that open and transparent communication is warranted. I think it would also be wise to bring up the 'double standard' concern to help your wife see what you see.

I hope it all works out.
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Old 11-08-2010, 08:27 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Taking into account your other post, I don't see this so much as a double standard, but as her expressing her fears. Was she expressing her fears, or was she telling you can't go and visit this girl? Did she expect you would leave her when you found out about her affair? You didn't, but has she been waiting for "the other shoe to drop"? Your new girl has expressed difficulty accepting being in a poly relationship. Your wife maybe affraid you were just waiting to leave until you found someone to replace her.

Other than having honest communication with her and assuring her that leaving is not in your plans (which it looks like you have already done), there isn't much you can do aside from proving it. This is really hers to deal with.
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Old 11-08-2010, 09:34 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Sounds like she does want you to pursue the relationship, but going through a natural adjustment.

I think her voicing her concerns is healthly. Just as you needed to voice yours when you were adjusting to the situation. Communication is key.

Is it possible your angry because you have been open and honest and she wasn't at the start? Something to think about. However, taking the time to reassure her and let her know your not leaving is the best way to handle this.

Make a plan for her to handle your trip.
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Old 11-09-2010, 02:52 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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It seems to me she is simply scared of losing you. She might have hidden her relationship with her boyfriend because she thought you'd leave her if you knew. Now she's afraid your girlfriend might be "better" and that you'll leave.
Maybe she isn't convinced that you are indeed poly, especially if it started out with your saying you weren't.

I think you need to talk about it. Sure it looks like a double standard, but from her point of view she knows she's not going to leave you... And if she was going to, she would have already, since she's been with the other man for a while. But she doesn't know how you feel, and she is worried it might be different. Reassure her as much as you can. Because she is poly doesn't mean she has zero insecurities and fears. Talk about it until she realises her fears are based on nothing and that she's safe.
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  #8  
Old 11-09-2010, 06:05 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SkeeterV View Post
My wife, Flea has a boyfriend. They've been an item for a while now. She started her relationship with him before we were poly. In fact, when I found out about them, she told me she was in love with both of us and didn't want to give up either one. That's when I started to do some research. I found out about poly and presented the concept to her. She agreed that was what she was feeling and we began the long process of changing our lovestyle. I wasn't convinced at first, but I have slowly come to the conclusion that I too am poly.

Recently I reconnected with an old live-in girlfriend of mine. Things heated up quickly, and now we are in a full blown romantic relationship. My wife supported and even encouraged me to pursue this relationship and I was open and honest with her about every step along the way. But now that I have deep feelings for my new love, and I am going to see her soon, my wife is frightened I'm going to leave her.

I'm not going to leave her. She is the mother of my children, and my life mate. I feel like this is a double standard. It's okay for her to have another relationship, but not me. I'm terrified, angry, and in the throws of some pretty powerful NRE all at the same time. I'm sure someone has been in similar situation. Any advice would be helpful.
When I read this I was really quite convinced that you are feeling concerned for her feelings and loving her all the more for them and then I read the highlighted part... What?! How did you turn that around?

Of course I wasn't and am not there, but what makes you think that just because she has a boyfriend that she doesn't have feelings about you having a girlfriend? She is not you and you are not her, you do things differently and experience feelings differently. I think she has a totally valid concern and needs some compassionate reassuring love from you to help her over come those thoughts... Maybe it was your NRE talking?

Really, I think turning that anger around and seeing it from her point of view might be useful before heading out the door rolling your eyes and blowing her off, only to cause more pain for her, more heartache and possibly bring a whole lot on yourself. Why not take a moment to connect with her, give a warm meaningful hug, tell her how wonderful you think she is for seeing through her fear and being okay with walking through it so that you can have a wonderful time with this new rekindled love. Then give her a kiss and a smile and be confident that your love for her will shine through no matter what.
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  #9  
Old 11-09-2010, 09:39 AM
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For me, it was hard to believe that Karma could feel the same things I did. I knew my feelings for him didn't change simply because I was interested in someone else. But could I trust that he felt the same way?

I don't think it is a double standard. I think she is just feeling a bit insecure about the relationship between the two of you.

Give her the affirmation she needs. Spend a good amount of quality time together. Assure her of how important she is to you.

Even if she's not the type to need it. Karma and I ran into some insecurities because I am normaly a very strong self assured person. I don't need the little things on a day to day basis.

When Cricket came into the picture, I found that I did need them. I needed corny little facebook messages. I needed random acts of "hey I thought of you today".

It wasn't that I didn't support them. It was that I was feeling a bit neglected. When he would do those things for her and not me, I felt like he wasn't thinking of me. That his time thinking of his women was concentrated on her. Why else would he leave her love poems and quotes, when he never did it for me?

Well he didn't do it for me b/c I never needed it. Not because he loved me less or anything else I had convinced myself of.

Maybe in your NRE you are doing things for your new love, that is making your wife question her importance to you.

I think it's time for a sit down about what she needs to feel loved and acknowledged. Then give it to her.

Karma didn't do those things, because he didn't know I needed them. When I expressed the need, and he fulfilled it, I was more secure in us and in turn, supportive of them.

Good luck!
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Old 11-09-2010, 02:20 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hey Skeeter,

I'm also in the camp that feels she is just expressing her own fears and insecurity. From the way you worded it at least, I didn't come away with the fact she was forbidding or discouraging you exploring your relationship, only that the shoe was now on the other foot and that SHE was being forced to deal with what you already have.

If that is in fact the case, just be kind. Remind her that you went through much the same thing and that the feeling eventually lessens or goes away. Make extra effort to express your love for her in little ways - OFTEN. That will help. Try to make sure the door for communication stays open. Encourage her to express her feelings and fears and make time to sit down and work through them together. Don't get defensive !

You're ok..............

GS
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