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Old 10-14-2010, 11:20 PM
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Default Just thoughts from the experts

So some background this will probably be too long but I talk a lot

When my husband and I first started dating he told me that he was interested in a polyamory lifestyle and that he was bi. I may posted something about this before but..... here I am again. I had always told him that he was more than welcomed to have a boyfriend but as far as another girl I wasn't sure about but would think about it. I perfer men but have played around with girls but its always here and there. As time went on it never really became an issue, we talked about it here and there but were still learning about eachother and were having fun. We have some loose boundaries for being a monogamous couple, kissing flirting when we would go out to the clubs. We always went home with eachother, just the two of us. We were happy.

Fast foward we deicided to have kids. I became very sick after the pregnancy to the point where sex hurt immensly. In tears pain. To go from a very sexual and open person to that is was awful. My husband began pulling away due to the rejection. I finally started to get better but our relationship was rocky. We were both sexually frustrated and on more than one occaion I had told him to go find some girl to screw. He never did because I wasn't comfortable with it.

As i started to get we talked about opening up our relationship again but I still felt that I wasn't comfortable with it because our relationship wasn't good. I also told him that having another couple that was married seemed easiest for me to move into this since they would understand the family dynamic and relatioship we had. He was ok but he seemed to think opening it up and letting him have another sexual partner would make things better with us. Nothing ever came of it.

We had this close friend, a single mom. We were watching her kids while she worked nights. They slept here, I took them to school, she would come and eat dinner. One big happy friendship. It never went anywhere sexual. It never will. This friend started to become destructive and began to take advantage of us. I started to confront her on these actions. She also started to give my husband... attention that may not should have been, having explicit sexual conversations with him (once that he brought into the bedroom when I was just starting to feel better). I have never really been a jealous person but the jealousy sparked in me. I know, our relationship was bad and we were just trying to work on making it better. Well I finally told this friend we couldn't watch her kids anymore and confronted her again on her actions and how they were effection those around her especially her kids. She stopped coming around for awhile.

Durning this time it came out the feelings that my husband had for her. He told me that he wanted to get a house for all of us and we would all live together. As one big happy family. She would be his other, we could all be together. It would great, she would work, there would be extra money, I would stay home with the kids, he would have the boys we don't have. (by the way this girl is gorgeous. Pin up girl model. Really she is a model I gained nearly 70 pounds with our child, I have lost about half I have insecurities). I told him regardless of who it was I didn't think I could ever share my house with another women, especially her. I am very upset with the actions that she has taken in the last year. I also know this women better then him and knowing how needy they both are I know I would be pushed aside. This turned into a very ugly thing that almost ruined our relationship and friendship.

Things have simmered down and my husband and I have worked things our and talked alot. He has put it in his head that any female friend he had would end the same way. I tried to make him explain that I didn't have a problem with the friendship. It was where he let his feelings go and interfere with our relationship. I told him that I didn't care if he had conversations about sex with other girls, but when I am straddeling him in our bedroom, all I could think about is her, is not an appropriate thing to say. He still saw this as a polyamourous relationship without the sex. I just see this as friendship. Two people relying on eachother, talking, watching eachothers kids. Thats what friends do.

So here we are.. we are working on our marriage. I am working on my friendship with so called friend. She had cleaned up her act after everything that has gone down. My husband and I are no longer there to parent her kids, so. My husband has stayed away but is coming around. We haven't really talked much about opening our relatioship again. I'm not sure what he really wants. I'm not sure what I want. I am not completely in disagreement to opening up our relationship. Though i fear that I will be the one always left out to take care of the kids. We also rarely have time as it is for eachother let alone other relationships. He's happy now, but this subject is brought up if he's not. When he doesn't think I'm giving him enough attention. He is needy, I know this, I've known this. He always changes his mind about what he wants concerning this way of life too... I can never keep up.

Godbless you if you actaully read all this. And god bless if you actually answer me. Now... discuss
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Old 10-14-2010, 11:48 PM
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Another thought....
If I was to let my husband have a girlfriend what is an appropriate time they can spend together? Is it fair for me to set boundaries? Do I make the demand that he has to stay home with the kid at least once or twice a week so I can go out? Whether it be for a guy or just to go out. Is him asking me to get a sitter so he doesn't have to watch to kid fair. Is this even possible with a little one? What about STDs?
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:11 AM
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oh my a lot of questions... there is lots to read on here that would help answer them. I think that anything is possible but really it is a matter of making sure your current relationship is stable and solid. Is it? Why are you unable to give him any attention?
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:18 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by pyxiegrl View Post
Another thought....
If I was to let my husband have a girlfriend what is an appropriate time they can spend together? Is it fair for me to set boundaries? Do I make the demand that he has to stay home with the kid at least once or twice a week so I can go out? Whether it be for a guy or just to go out. Is him asking me to get a sitter so he doesn't have to watch to kid fair. Is this even possible with a little one? What about STDs?
Just a quick one..he's a father and you are an equal person. You damn sure have a right to go out and do whatever you want and let him watch the kids he helped create. I can't wrap my head around the rest of his dreams for one big family so early on. NRE is a wonderfully joyous and ridiculous thing. It brings incredible passion and equal stupidity. If you do choose to open up your relationship, you should actually want it, not just tolerate it. Tolerating something that big can't be healthy for you in the long run in my opinion. Read lots about monos with pollies or pollies who open up their relationship and only one partner finds another lover. Get him to read too. He needs some gold knocked off the glittering fantasy he has. It's possible, but it takes a lot of work. Regardless, his child should come first, that's part of the adult responsibility of creating one.

Take care and welcome to the forum
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:49 AM
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Just a quick one..he's a father and you are an equal person. You damn sure have a right to go out and do whatever you want and let him watch the kids he helped create. I can't wrap my head around the rest of his dreams for one big family so early on. NRE is a wonderfully joyous and ridiculous thing. It brings incredible passion and equal stupidity. If you do choose to open up your relationship, you should actually want it, not just tolerate it. Tolerating something that big can't be healthy for you in the long run in my opinion. Read lots about monos with pollies or pollies who open up their relationship and only one partner finds another lover. Get him to read too. He needs some gold knocked off the glittering fantasy he has. It's possible, but it takes a lot of work. Regardless, his child should come first, that's part of the adult responsibility of creating one.

Take care and welcome to the forum
I'm definitely going to second Mono here. Tonberry and I have talked about sharing a home with her boyfriend, but this is after a stage where we know their relationship is long-term and he and I have become friends. If she had tried to say that he was moving in when they first started dating, though, you bet I would have slowed things down, because that would have been moving way too fast.
Dating is one thing, but living together is a completely different issue and not something to leap into.
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Old 10-15-2010, 02:53 AM
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Originally Posted by pyxiegrl View Post
Is him asking me to get a sitter so he doesn't have to watch to kid fair.
Hell NO!

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Why are you unable to give him any attention?
It sounds like she is too busy taking care of the kid all by herself with no help from her husband. (OK, that's twice today that something really set me off)

Definitely read away, lot of info here on boundries and stuff.
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Old 10-15-2010, 04:56 AM
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I totally had this long reply written out... and my computer fritzed.

Anywho here I go again.

As far as giving him attention, yes a lot of my time goes to taking care of the child and the house, as he thinks is all my job since I'm a SAHM. A lot of the lack of attention also came from when I was sick and couldn't have sex, I couldn't even masturbate (sorry if TMI). It was a really bad time. I'll admit I would get frustrated when he would masturbate, not because he was but because I couldn't. He took it the wrong way though. We are working on that. That part is at least better. Though he is incredibly needy.

As far as wanting a poly relationship, I'm more on the curious side rather than the tolerating side. I'll admit I'm scared but I know a lot of that comes from my insecurities. We have a handful of friends that follow this lifestyle as well as some that are swingers so it's not totally foreign to us. I toss around the idea of what would be ok with me. I've never done this, I need to feel comfortable and that's something my husband doesn't always except. He wants what he wants. I am fairly dominent but my husband doesn't swing that way. It's not something I NEED but something I enjoy. I have other outlets. I thought of mentioning of finding a sub for us, where, yes our relationship would be based more on sex but that we could have an outside friendship also. Though the whole STD thing scare the hell out of me. Is it fair to ask this person to be faithful when we only have her once or twice a week. I don't know how that works. Plus, people lie. (sorry I am jaded in this aspect). This is why a couple seemed appealing to me. Someone to spend their dates night with and visa versa but we still had our own family dynamic. I don't know if maybe I'm looking at this all wrong.

I will also say that everytime we have this conversation my husbands mind changes on what he wants. I don't think he understood the true meaning when we first talked about it. He wanted a play toy for us/him. I did research, we talked again. I told him what I had learned and told him I would think more of couples. Didn't talk about it for awhile. The whole thing with our friend happened. (Which I want to again mention, it was a total friendship never anything sexual). We fought and he started doing research too. Decided that the friendship we had was a polyrelationship without the sex. The fantasy started, with out any thought of what the reprocution to me would be. In his head it is perfect. She can't have kids anymore, we would be perfect. Though not know the person she really was. Slept around even when she was in relationships, needy, jealous, still a child, can't even take care of her own kids. He now continues to call it a love triangle. Though this other person doesn't have nor never did have any feeling for him. I tried to get him to talk to her but he refuses. I'm pretty sure that he woun't because it will ruin his fantasy. I'm not even sure if I want to have these conversations anymore. I'm not sure if its worth it.
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Old 10-15-2010, 06:06 AM
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The fantasy thing is a bit of a red flag to me. No one in real life can be treated as if they are a fantasy. They will be real, emotions and all. Poly isn't about it being nice to have someone to use as a toy. It's about being there for birthdays, illness, when a pet dies... at least to me anyways. I am struggling to see how poly will be useful to you at this point in time. You don't seem to be at a point where you will gain more.. it seems that it will cause set backs more than gains for both of you.
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Old 10-15-2010, 10:20 PM
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To answer more specifically about SDTs, I would suggest you use protection with anyone you're casual with, and for more serious relationships that you use protection until you all get tested and show everyone the results.
Then it might be a good idea to get tested again regularly.

Here is a form here than can help you with that (everyone needs to fill there own).

Otherwise, establishing boundaries is fair. You need to discuss and find boundaries that you are both okay with, and that can be the hard part.

You're a stay at home mom, and that's your job, you say. But whatever his job is, I'm pretty sure when he gets home he's off. And that he gets days off every week. And paid vacation. As a SAHM, you don't get any of that. You're on duty 24/7, and that's not fair for him to expect that from you.
So I think it's definitely fair to ask him to pick up some of the work so you can have some time off as well. You shouldn't have to pay to get time off (paying a baby-sitter for instance).
Having "your" night out once a week is certainly not that much to ask for. It wouldn't even be for the whole day! He had these kids too, and he should take some responsibility for them. A baby-sitter should only be considered if you're having a date out together, if one of you is at home it's normal for them to take care of the kids. And while it wouldn't be fair for you to dump it on him all the time, it's fair for him to share.

Let's look at it that way: while he's at work, your job is to take care of the kids. So if he works 40 hours, you work 40 hours taking care of the kids and the house while he's at work. So far so good, it's equal.
Once he's home though, if you keep working and he doesn't, it isn't fair. What's left of the work should be shared between the two of you.
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Old 10-15-2010, 10:48 PM
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He had these kids too, and he should take some responsibility for them. A baby-sitter should only be considered if you're having a date out together, if one of you is at home it's normal for them to take care of the kids. And while it wouldn't be fair for you to dump it on him all the time, it's fair for him to share.

Let's look at it that way: while he's at work, your job is to take care of the kids. So if he works 40 hours, you work 40 hours taking care of the kids and the house while he's at work. So far so good, it's equal.
Once he's home though, if you keep working and he doesn't, it isn't fair. What's left of the work should be shared between the two of you.
I heard someone once say that looking after your own kids is NOT baby-sitting, it's PARENTING.

I completely agree with Tonberry.
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