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Old 01-22-2013, 06:05 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
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Default Sexual Roles Getting Fuzzy

Ok, here's a new development in my Vee that has confused the hell out of me.

My husband, who is a sort of closet bisexual, has realized he is strongly attracted to my lover, Michael, who has also been his close friend. Michael, however, is hetero. These feelings were only realized very recently, so no discussion with Michael has happened yet. Not even sure if telling him is a good idea at all, but for now, my husband has ruled that he simply cannot be around the two of us when we're together.

This has made things far more complicated, of course. The original hope was that all three of us would be very close, maybe even intimate, eventually, but it doesn't seem to be moving in that way. We were going to get a place together over time if this worked well, but these latest developments now make that impossible.

Over this short time (six weeks?), Danny's feelings for Michael have simply become too much for him to handle. He says he can't stand being around Michael because of his own feelings for him (and the awareness that Michael is "very" hetero), and also because he feels jealousy for what Michael and I are now sharing.

For myself, I have no problem whatsoever with Danny having such feelings for Michael. Michael is an amazing man, and we both hold him in very high regard. He's raised over 20 foster kids, he spends time with elderly friends playing chess, and he's extremely attentive to both me as a lover and to all his friends, which are numerous. In fact, I've never known a human spirit so GOOD, and this makes it all that much harder for Danny.

I hate seeing how much Danny is hurting over this. He loves Michael, and wants to show it in the way that I can, but he knows it won't be welcome. Now, the time I spend with Michael is tainted with an underlying guilt and sadness for Danny.

Being trained in counseling, my opinion is that this should be talked about openly with Michael at some point. Of course, Danny wants nothing of the sort to happen, but in the meantime, MIchael has no idea, really, why the three of us can no longer hang out together. I've been sworn to secrecy.

I'm left with a new relationship that I thought, in the beginning, was going to be a sort of group endeavor, but has now turned out to be another one-on-one, which I would have never wanted had I known it would go this way. I was very happy in my marriage, and I still am. It's just a lot harder now.

ANY advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:16 PM
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Marcus Marcus is offline
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If this obsession is really so strong as to torpedo relationships then what is the harm in his talking to your boyfriend about it? Maybe a civil conversation where boyfriend gets to explain "I'm flattered that you're in to me, but I am not at all interested. Sorry man, you've got to let that go" to your husband would be helpful.

I did a quick search:
http://www.uncommonhelp.me/articles/...requited-love/

Very often in life we don't get what we want. We need to learn to not let it consume us and damage parts of our life we *can* have.
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Old 01-22-2013, 08:08 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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While I do get to enjoy occasional physical intimacy with my gf's husband, for a long time I had deeper feelings that I felt I couldn't reveal. It was pretty silly, I felt like it had to be a big damn secret because I knew he didn't want that sort of relationship, so it felt like it would put us on too unequal of footing, like I'd be too vulnerable and embarrassed if he knew how I felt. Then I finally told him, via online chat, and it was no big deal. As part of telling him, I explained that it was just to get it off my chest, that I didn't expect anything new in return from him, and that I was happy with our friendship. He was cool about it, and I've felt much better and calmer ever since.

It may take your husband a while, but if he can eventually have the same type of conversation, I bet it will make things much easier for him. Much better to do it like that than to get drunk one day and spill the beans more dramatically! The closet is dangerous like that, secrets want to come out. And it just drives you crazy, the feeling of having something inside that you have to hide, it breeds obsession... I really feel for your husband. Would he ever be open to coming out completely, do you think? It really is the healthier thing.

Also, if he were out he could safely seek a bf of his own, which would almost certainly take a lot of the sting out of this unrequited crush. Heck, even if he's not ready to come out, a simple one night stand would at least give him the chance to explore these desires in a way that will be healthier for all of you than him just acting them out with your bf in his head and driving himself crazy.
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Last edited by AnnabelMore; 01-22-2013 at 08:10 PM.
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Old 01-22-2013, 08:52 PM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi Rocker,

I can certainly see why it's a tricky situation - but don't worry... it can get better.

Some anecdotal advice first, in the hope that it helps.

I experienced a similar problem in my V. In the early days, my girlfriend and her husband had hoped that I would find him attractive for at least casual play. I'm primarily into women and do not feel attracted to him at all. In fact, the way he dealt with his attraction towards me killed off any "well, I'm not attracted, but I could do it for the fun of it" ideas.

The way my GF's husband dealt with his attraction towards me was to become very pushy, very pervy, very sulky, very bitter and jealous. If my girlfriend and I were flirtatious or affectionate in front of him, we would throw a tantrum.

It's taken a year and now things are far easier. He no longer pushes for anything from me and says that he is genuinely at peace. He no longer has a tantrum if he sees something between my girlfriend and myself.

How could he have dealt with it better? He could have come to me, calmly and privately, and said that he had feelings for me; that he needed a bit of distance to act appropriately and put the feelings in the right box. I would have been flattered, but more comfortable. How could we have dealt better? We could have respected his need for space and been less demonstrative in front of him.

Whether Danny chooses to tell Michael or not, it might be a good idea to express that he needs a little space. That nobody needs to freak out, but that he just needs a little time. If Michael really is good and pure, he will likely be flattered if Danny tells him how he feels.

In the meantime, if I were in your shoes, I would be careful about how I display my relationship with Michael in front of Danny. I'd be sensitive and try not to rub anything in his face.

6 weeks isn't a long time - I think it will take longer. The important thing is to stay sensitive, be patient, be considerate and be supportive. Ask what Danny needs from you. Encourage Danny to express himself and conduct himself in a mature way, regarding his feelings about Michael.

Do you think that will be possible?
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Old 01-29-2013, 09:02 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
If this obsession is really so strong as to torpedo relationships then what is the harm in his talking to your boyfriend about it? Maybe a civil conversation where boyfriend gets to explain "I'm flattered that you're in to me, but I am not at all interested. Sorry man, you've got to let that go" to your husband would be helpful.
Thanks for the link and the advice. They have since talked about it, and it went very well, actually. Michael told Danny his boundaries, and Danny is dealing with it. For now, things seem a bit more stable. I hope it lasts.
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Old 01-29-2013, 10:29 PM
RockerChick RockerChick is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
Do you think that will be possible?
Yes, it looks like things are changing fast! LOL ... So far, so good, though. I think Danny's feelings were temporary. Go figure.
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Old 01-30-2013, 12:09 AM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by RockerChick View Post
Yes, it looks like things are changing fast! LOL ... So far, so good, though. I think Danny's feelings were temporary. Go figure.
I'd bet money that if they hadn't talked about it, his feelings would be going just as strong as before. Getting stuff off your chest makes all the difference in the world!! Glad to hear that things are coming back to an even keel for you guys.
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