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Old 10-02-2010, 11:12 AM
sylphia sylphia is offline
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Default Feeling more jealousy over new partner than established one...

Hi all,

So, I think I've got this figured out (the reason why it is happening) but I wanted to see if there was anyone out there who has processed similar feelings...first, a bit of background.

I am a bi female in a relationship with two men. It is the first poly relationship for all of us. One man is an established partner (relationship of about a year), let's call him Oliver; the other man I have been seeing for about 8 weeks, first on a friendship level (that was fraught with sexual tension), and finally on a romantic/sexual level. Let's call the newer guy Aaron.

So, when I first got involved with Oliver, I confessed to him that I thought I might be poly, but I wasn't sure, because I'd never explored it. I was getting out of a marriage where I'd felt belittled and lost my love for my husband, and I quickly fell head over heels for Oliver, who truly is an amazing match for me. In the mad rush of NRE that ensued in the following months, I re-evaluated my original statement about thinking I was poly, and decided that maybe the reason I'd always fallen for more than one person is because I'd been in a series of bad relationships, and *this one* was somehow going to be different, at least in terms of reining in my wandering eye.

Turns out, it WAS different, in that I had for the first time a partner who really loved me, respected me, and treated me like gold. Yet, even without anyone new in mind, as it ALWAYS had since my earliest crushes, I began to have a desire for more. This time, though, instead of cheating, or pining without cheating, I decided to bring up the poly thing I'd mentioned when we first got together, before all the crazy chemicals kicked in. I also stressed the fact that I did NOT want to get into another heavy marriage-like situation quite yet, being so newly divorced, though I saw definite potential for the future.

Around this same time, I started making some new friends, which I needed since I was relatively new to my city. One of them was Aaron.

Aaron and I clicked immediately. The first time I hung out with him, we passed something like 9 hours together, just walking around and talking. We hung out platonically a few times, and one night we ended up kissing. Now, by this point, Oliver and I had done enough discussing the poly thing that he'd conceded that it would be OK for me to kiss someone if I felt like it, and I went with it. Thus began a slow journey of my relationship into relationshipS.

Many, many conversations and situations later (including one where Aaron wanted to stop seeing me because he didn't think he could "do" poly, which has since resolved), I am happily involved in a vee with Oliver, who is open to having another girlfriend but doesn't feel like seeking right now, and who is extremely supportive, loving and communicative, and with Aaron, who is in a relationship with me because he really likes ME, not so big on the poly thing; however, he is a demonstrated and self-confessed incorrigible flirt, and sexy enough that he gets tons of attention from the ladies.

Here's the weird thing:

OK, so when I think about Oliver finding another girlfriend, I feel happy, supportive and proud, like it would be an awesome payoff to him for having worked through all the difficulties we've had over the past few months as we've been figuring this thing out. He feels mono-leaning, but definitely can see the benefits poly will provide for him down the road. As of yet, I haven't been able to muster up even a shred of jealousy in any mental situation I can conjure up. He's talked to a few girls online, and I've only been disappointed when he hasn't really liked any of them very much.

But when it comes to Aaron, that green-eyed monster I'd been so sure I defeated comes roaring back to life. I obsess over Facebook flirtations he has with other women (even when I know it's terribly silly), I have stress dreams about him running off with other women and forsaking me entirely, I even picture him in the back room of his workplace smooching with them when it is unlikely that would happen. It puts a burn on me! He thinks it's funny, since it's me that wants the poly relationship, and he that would prefer me alone. I just think it's maddeningly illogical.

Best I can figure it is that:

a) my emotions toward him are already running so high since I am at that electric-gaze dizzy-headed NRE stage that just makes people want to possess each other


b) since my relationship with him is less secure because it's newer and because he'd prefer a mono relationship (so some mono girl might whisk him away from me), I am feeling that insecurity in the form of jealousy.

I care about him deeply, and obviously I want to keep him around for as long as that's working for all of us, but how do I kill the jealousy when I know it's so silly and completely illogical? Has anyone on here dealt with this sort of thing before? I feel like my head is on straight, but my heart is a fiendish hypocrite...
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Old 10-02-2010, 01:35 PM
Livingmybestlife Livingmybestlife is offline
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Default I understand

I have been with my husband a long time.

This is my second poly relationship. I fell for a friend and he is mono. I know I am the rebound for him and he can't accept poly. However, he has made his peace being with me. We decided togather to enjoy our time togather and make it about quality and not quanity. I have asked him to let me know if in the future he meets someone who interests him. He won't date anyone until he breaks with me, he has said. He is very loyal and honest. He has gone to happy hour and come and told me that he was going to follow some girl to a different bar but didn't because of me. I was stunned with jealousy. He saw it as proof of his commitment to me. We worked it out.

Yes I am more jealous over him then my husband. However, I fall more deeply for him daily. We also discussed the situations so I am good with what happens. I would stay with him forever at this point. He is wired mono.
So I have made a choice to love him and be with him as long as I can.
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Old 10-02-2010, 05:33 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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I have a husband and boyfriend much like the two of yours. The NRE I had with my boyfriend Mono was similar. I found it hard to believe that he wouldn't leave me for a mono woman. He might well do that one day, but I doubt it now and have since decided to not waste my time worrying about it.

I think that given time the NRE will wear off and you will trust more and be more relaxed about it. He says he wants you and you only and laughs at your insecurities around this, so try and keep it light and realize he is just being himself and enjoying his flirting and fun with the ladies. That would be my advice. Its harmless fun and perfectly normal after all. At least in my opinion.

Perhaps joking around on his fb would help. It did for me. I teased him about it on there and so did the women he flirted with. Now I don't even look because its harmless and I'm not worried or interested. It would be a shame if jealousy became serious and damaged your relationship.

There is a lot on here about jealousy if you do a tag search and a lot of stories that might help. Perhaps checking out some of Mono and my stuff would. We are all moving in together now, so perhaps earlier stuff when we we were full of NRE and angst about poly would be more helpful.
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Old 10-04-2010, 04:59 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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I had exactly the same thing happen to me. I'm now three months into a relationship with my mono boyfriend, Mr. A, but in the first month, there was a miscommunication. He thought he'd told me he was going on a date with someone he'd started seeing around the same time as me, but he hadn't. He said that night that the date confirmed his feeling that there really wasn't a connection with her, and they didn't even kiss. (Previously, they'd slept together.) However, my green-eyed monster EXPLODED.

Indigo, my fiancÚ, was hurt by the fact that I was jealous. I was encouraging him to spread his wings and ... fly. I was happy when he had dates, and wanted all the juicy details. I loved hearing about other potential interests.

So why jealousy over someone new and complete compersion for the established relationship? Certainly not because I don't care for Indigo. Quite the opposite. I was so secure in our relationship, that I truly did want him to find happiness elsewhere; I knew he wasn't leaving.

So yes, your A and B points were exactly what happened to me.

The bad news, I couldn't kill jealousy. The best I could do was communicate with Mr. A and trust him to let me know of any propects.

And then last week, something unexpected happened ... Given the nature of Mr. A's career, it is likely he will have to leave our city permanently within the next year or two. We were talking about this and while it elicited some of the usual sadness, I also started to feel compersion. His career is his primary love, and I know when he leaves it will be a better life for him. I had the beginnings of that "If you love something, set it free" feeling, which I've had for all of my true, healthy, mature loves.

Waiting it out with open communication is probably the best you can do. When your relationship grows deeper, you may just find yourself stumbling happily into compersion.
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Old 10-04-2010, 07:14 PM
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SourGirl SourGirl is offline
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Definitely sounds to me, like you are experiencing the natural, and normal, insecurities over a new relationship. Until we go through all those experiences and come out the side, we dont have that sense of confidence sometimes.

Both my husband and my boyfriend are 'popular with the ladies' . They are beautiful, wonderful people, so of course they attract others !

My husband- I am encouraging to. I am happy for his dates, and feel compersion thoroughly.

My boyfriend- While I don`t restrict any interests he may have, I can`t say I would rush out and find him a tertiary anytime soon. I just dont feel like I have had enough of my own time with him yet. Luckily, he finds himself feeling similiar towards me, so it`s not built towards any jealousy.

I fully expect with time, and experience, that feeling will change. My compersion will be just as great for the bf.

We just need time to build our own history.
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Old 10-04-2010, 07:56 PM
Derrythe Derrythe is offline
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Posts: 16

What you're feeling sounds very normal. Jealousy is basically the feelings related to the fear of losing something you have to someone else. You don't feel jealousy in relation to your more established relationship because it is much more secure simply by existing longer. Your other relationship is less secure because it has not been there as long, plus you mention that he isn't big on the poly thing so the danger in your mind that he will leave you for a mono situation is more likely.

The biggest thing to think about is that those are your feelings, not his. They are your responsibility to take care of, if that means you just need to mentally reassure yourself, or that you need to bring them up and talk to him about them, is up to you. But your feelings are yours. One of the problems I see (mostly my mono friends) make is making their feelings someone else's problem or responsibility. Taking out their feelings of jealousy on the object of those feelings without dealing with why they feel that way. Good luck with your situation and God bless.
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Old 10-06-2010, 04:24 PM
mewtastic mewtastic is offline
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 5

Wow, Sylphia... I came out of lurking to say that we are living almost exactly the same life. We're even the same age and both students and like to do a lot of the same things (according to what you posted in your introduction... I haven't written mine yet).

Although my situation with my newer boyfriend is more stressful than yours right now, since last night we were talking about how it maybe isn't going to work out

Oh, and in my relationships, *I* am the one who's the incorrigible flirt

Anyway, not to hijack your thread. I just thought it was really weird that our lives appeared to be so similar. I'll post my own thread later when I have a little more time
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Old 10-06-2010, 05:07 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I've had something kind of similar... Except my jealousy was over my interest, who I am NOT dating. I think in this case, it's because I don't know if he might be mono, which is likely, and if he is, meeting someone else means I'll never "have" him.
On the other hand, I feel compersion for him in other areas, such as when he moved for work reasons (so I totally relate to what TP is talking about).
I don't experience jealousy in my existing relationships, but I think it's because I have absolutely no insecurities about them.

So I would say your instinct is right, that's probably exactly what it is.
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Old 10-09-2010, 04:18 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Yup, I vote for option B.

Easy has been able to flirt with other women for years and years without making me jealous. The worst jealousy I felt for him was when I realized that that woman he'd been spending *so much* time with, who he'd taken out *instead of me* so many times, was also the woman who was asking us to be poly with her. It was insecurity, wondering if he wanted her more than me, if she was the "right" one and I was just the one who was holding her place all of these years. Right now, I feel rock solid, because I don't think Easy could be shaken off if I entered the witness protection program.

Sunday, however, makes me jealous *all of the time*. I don't know where I stand with him, he doesn't seem to notice whether I'm there half the time, and when other women show an interest in him my first response is, "Well, he doesn't want me." I'm incredibly jealous because I'm not secure in the relationship. I have no doubt that I could watch Easy flirt and shmooze all over a woman and have no reaction, but if Sunday even seemed to be talking to her too long, I'd have to go hide in a closet until I felt calmer.
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Old 10-10-2010, 11:56 PM
sylphia sylphia is offline
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Join Date: Sep 2010
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Wow, everybody, thanks for the thoughtful replies! It's very reassuring to know that I'm not crazy and that other people feel the same way, even if it feels like I am being weird.

Superjast, that's pretty much what I feel like, like I haven't had enough of my own time yet.

Mewtastic, I looked at your other posts, and it does appear that we have a lot in common... I'm in the South, though, you're lucky to be in CA, I visit there pretty regularly and I love it! PM me if you want to chat

Things are a bit better for now, I will keep posting here if other stuff comes up, y'all are super-helpful.
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