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Old 01-22-2013, 12:18 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Default Need Help with Son hitting puberty

My husband and I have been open for three years. During that time I have had two serial relationships and he has had 1. Our son, who is 10, has a vague idea, but doesn't know anything concretely.
Here is the problem. Last night we found out that our son had been watching porn secretly online for a month. One could say I was a bad parent because I trusted him and he knows stuff that is off limits. It was abad mistake on my part, and I've solved that.

What I need help with is how to healthily deal with my sons sexuality when I am so conflicted about my own (my husband feels the same way). When he was small I told him sex is for two committed people who love each other. I knew used the word married because we are super pro-gay and know lots of committed unmarried straights. But now things are more complex. My husband and I have both done stuff that (for myself) I consider slutty (for ME NOT others) and have done a few things less than ethical. For example, my husband was supposed to go to a play-party last night and canceled.

We are both conflicted about what we do sexually. And I'm not sure how to deAL with my son.

A second issue is that my husband GF is very sexual. She constantly wants him to text he dirty messages, go to sex parities, and have a real kink-based relationship. I think it is getting harder for them because he is very very sexual, but has a ton of other commitments. She is single. Like last night, he told me she was disappointed that they didn't go out, and she still wanted sex even tho he had just gone through this and wasn't remotely interested. I worry about both of them, that they are just in such different life spaces that it won't pan out.

Any way, is anyone on here raising a teween/teen boy? He's a scorpio too ! Bla!
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Old 01-22-2013, 01:27 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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What's wrong with your son watching porn? Humans are sexual creatures. If he's watching porn, then obviously he's grown interested in sex. You've had sex, haven't you? It's fun. Can you blame him?

Your only mistake was trusting him not to be human. How silly of you.

I wholeheartedly disagree with the notion that sex should be reserved for marriage. What a horrible way to ruin your wedding night!

Not to mention, anyone who thinks that teaching abstinence is an effective way of preventing...anything...is kidding themselves. Teach kids about condoms. Teach them what happens when you don't use condoms. Give them condoms. Give their friends and romantic partners condoms when they come to visit. Teach them about the joys of sex and encourage them to explore their bodies. Teach them the value of self-worth and that it's ok to share their bodies, but only on their own terms.

By teaching kids abstinence, you literally force them to figure that out on their own and from their often misguided friends. You teach them to hide it from you when they become sexually active, for fear of getting in trouble or disappointing you.

When she started hitting puberty, my husband sat his daughter down and told her every pickup line he'd ever used to trick a girl into having sex with him. Then he gave her a vibrator and a box of condoms. When she started experimenting with her female friends, he encouraged them to explore their bodies without guilt or fear. Later, when she started having sex with boyfriends, guess which parent she told? I'll give you a hint: it wasn't the one who tried to hide the truth about sex.

She's about to turn 20 and has managed not to become pregnant or contract any diseases. Meanwhile, many of her friends are teen parents. She lives in a repressed semi-rural town. I credit my husband 100% for his daughter's success. She has a healthy relationship with sex, she knows what she wants and what she doesn't, she respects her body. She chooses partners who respect her choices and sends them packing if they pressure her. Oh, and she talks with us (my husband and I, not her Mom) about all of this. Sex-positive parenting FTW!

Also... how do you know that your son has only a vague idea? Kids are much more clever than their parents tend to give them credit for. The only way you could "know" that he doesn't know is by asking him, which is impossible to do without spilling the beans. How can you be sure no one else knows, and that he hasn't heard it through the grapevine. Would you rather your son learn about your relationships from his parents, or from the kids at school teasing him about it?
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-22-2013 at 01:45 AM.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:29 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Thank for your reply. I think there is a lot wrong with a 10 year old watching porn! If he were 14 or 16 it would be different. He is still a child and as a child, not ready to cope with the complexity of it all. By his own self-admission, he found himself feeling depressed.

I am much mire li beryl than others (I know people who have 11 year olds and have never discussed sex with them - this actually seems the norm). And much ienjoy more liberal than others - I think sex is for adults, I think it's complex and tied into all sorts of things, not usually just about fucking and having fun. I also think porn is complicated. I do watch and enjoy it, I but I find it extremely male-centric, anti-feminist, and I wonder often if the women are being coerced. They never seem to be enjoying themselves, but showing off for men and seeking approval. This is not all porn, but most.

Part of the pain I am having is watching a child grow up. I don't know if people without children can understand this pain.

I was also unclear, but I don't teach anbistance. I would want, for my son, to have sex with people he loves or cares about.

My own feeling about sex probably are conservative. I believe sex isn't just "fun." I believe, for me, it reaches deeply into who I am, my needs, and neurosis and problems with childhood, etc.
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:30 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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"I am much mire li beryl than others (I know people who have 11 year olds and have never discussed sex with them - this actually seems the norm). And much ienjoy more liberal than others "

Sorry! Much more conservative/liberal
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Old 01-22-2013, 02:34 AM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Also... how do you know that your son has only a vague idea? Kids are much more clever than their parents tend to give them credit for. The only way you could "know" that he doesn't know is by asking him, which is impossible to do without spilling the beans. How can you be sure no one else knows, and that he hasn't heard it through the grapevine. Would you rather your son learn about your relationships from his parents, or from the kids at school teasing him about it?

I know he doesn't know because I asked him if he thought his father kissed "X" his father's girlfriend, and other such questions. Yes, it is possible without spilling the beans. So he wither doesn't know or doesn't want to know. How would any kids at his school know about my sex life? LOL
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Old 01-22-2013, 07:02 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Here's what I can tell you. I have three girls, yesh DH is sharpening knives a lot in preparation for them dating! Anyway, I was not comfortable hiding things and so they have had exposure to a lot of things. Since the oldest was born I would take my kids with me. Attachment parenting they call it. I was probably just not willing to leave them out of my life! They have gone to role play parties with me, the D&D and vampire kind, coffee houses, seen me host role plays at the house, gone to the theater with me when I worked there. Hosted dinners for other theater friends. So from the time they were able to go outside with proper clothing, they have been around people that were of different sexualities and relationship types.

When they were between the ages of 9 -12 they went to a camp with us for the summer where it was clothing optional. Among other things. THere were special things in place so kids weren't exposed to the super kinky but the weird? Oh there was no escaping it!

I started the sex talk when the oldest was 11 and the youngest was 8. Why? Kids aren't kids. I hate it I do, but there's little I can do about the fact that my elementary aged kids come home talking about friends that were mad at them for talking to a boy about a movie when they were going steady, or dating! Who dates at 9??!

So I suggest you start the sex talks! Keep it to what they will understand at their age. Then keep having it. I've had it I don't know how many times at this point! When I found out my oldest was texting grown men on sex chats her talks changed a bit. We still have talks. I'll go through the basics and then let the youngest go while I talk more mechanics with the older ones.

Nothing wrong with being curious and as far as I know, (all girls remember, though I've got nephews and raised my two brothers), boys can have wet dreams as young as 10 so yeah, there's going to be curious. I personally don't think you need to get into condoms and the mechanics of sex just yet. If you can, stall that conversation about oral, anal, diseases and what feels good versus what sounds good when you are writing horny messages to each other. It's not fun, and I've had it several times.

Doubt at his age you need to worry that far ahead yet. So, start with the basics. Guys, girls, different parts, what feels good, exploring your own body. So not old enough physically for exploring with a 'girlfriend' yet and definitely not old enough in his mind, soul, or heart. That's the toughest talk really. Trying to explain as they get older that no matter how adult they think they are, how intelligent everyone says they are, the heart and soul are just not up for all that sex entails.

oh! And answer questions honestly. Even if the honest answer is "I don't know." Or "I'm still figuring it out myself." That last one is powerful. After all, if mom and dad are still figuring stuff out how can they be expected to know it all!
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 01-22-2013, 09:46 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I don't know that 10 is that young, I certainly was a sexual being at 10, and I already read erotica, which I would say is the equivalent of your son watching porn. I can't imagine how I would have felt if my parents had told me I wasn't allowed to. I mean, I know I still would have done it behind their backs, but I think I would have felt terrible about myself and like sex was a bad thing.

Now, if he's using your computer for it and you don't want him to, I guess that's a fair point. And teaching him about safe sex and all is definitely a good idea, if you live in a place were sex ed hasn't done that for you already (and/or never will).

I think there is nothing wrong about teaching your kids to be discriminate about their sexual partners and not just have sex with anyone, but be careful that if you're too restrictive, the kid will just hide it better.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:27 AM
turtleHeart turtleHeart is offline
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My parents never expected me to not be a sexual being. Instead they made a point of educating me and making sure I was safe. I hit puberty early and my mom made sure I had condoms, even though I personally chose to not have vaginal intercourse until much later because I didn't want to risk getting anyone pregnant and even then knew not to trust condoms to always be effective.

In junior high and high school I came across a lot of people with bad ideas of how to be safe sexually (plenty of people in their 30s are still fairly ignorant). My being free of STDs and child free is due at least in part to my parents never shielding me from sexual awareness, even as a little kid, watching foreign films with sex and nudity practically from birth.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:45 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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Where we live 11 is half way through middle school; they start high school at 13. The puberty video was mandatory after school last year when he was 10. We have attempted basic talks about sexuality for the last 2 years, because older girls in the neighborhood were pressuring the boys to date the younger girls (and literally pinning them to the ground trying to get them to kiss). My son's best friend's mom caught the kids playing spin the bottle and truth or dare when he was 9 and his friend was 8. We had a talk then about those things not being appropriate for kids his age and left it up to him if he wanted to explore that again when he was a teenager. He's pretty much uninterested in dating or hearing about sex and I'm not pressuring him, but I am waiting and watching for that to change.

As for 10 being still a child, I agree, but children are sexual beings too. Toddlers masturbate because it feels good and calms them; that doesn't stop as children get older, we just correct them about when and where it is appropriate to "scratch". And if you really think that 10 is too young to be going through puberty, tell that to the 9 nine year olds who gave birth the year my son was born and that was in good old conservative Kansas.
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Old 01-23-2013, 03:48 AM
sparklepop sparklepop is offline
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Hi nondy,

The following is my *personal* opinion only.

This is a good question and one that definitely comes up in our V as we try to raise our child together. Now, she is only four - but she has already started to discover what the idea of masturbation is about. Sure, it made us pause when we saw her playing around without a care in the world. But that's the thing about innocence and childhood. We are never more liberated than when we are children. There is nothing wrong with masturbation. There is nothing wrong with doing something that feels good, at any age. As long as it is in an appropriate setting and isn't harming anyone else.

Ten is not that young at all. It is the age that we might worry too much about preserving childhood - instead of preparing them for adolescence; even adulthood.

One thing that struck me is that you said you were worried about how to deal with this effectively, when you have conflict yourself. The answer is simple really. Don't create that conflict in your son.

Both my sister and my ex girlfriend's daughter lost their virginity at 13. Yes, that thought makes me very uncomfortable. But the reality is that it happens. My ex found out by reading her daughter's diary. A year had passed since she lost her virginity, around the back of a supermarket, whilst drunk, without protection. This came as a huge shock, since my ex had always been frank about safe sex and biology.

What she hadn't done is a) fostered a safe environment to talk, and b) outlined the emotion (and lack of) surrounding sex. Her daughter couldn't possibly admit that she had lost her virginity in that way. She was ashamed. If my daughter was in trouble, or upset, I wouldn't want her to feel shame. I'd want her to feel supported.

If it were me, I'd have a talk with my ten year old son about sex straight away. I'd tell him that masturbation is totally ok; both boys and girls do it. Sex between two or more people of whatever gender is ok. Sex is nothing to feel guilty about. Sex doesn't have to be with someone you are closely connected to. Then I'd talk about the consequences - law, health, safety. It could be a face to face talk, a small document that you write for him, videos from the internet, etc. whatever you feel he would learn the most from.

Is there anything that stops you from doing that?

As for your husband and his girlfriend's sexuality - why does it bother you?
Me: 32f, evolving

“Peace comes from within. Do not seek it without." ~ Buddha

Last edited by sparklepop; 01-23-2013 at 03:52 AM.
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