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  #1  
Old 01-20-2013, 11:22 PM
heather84 heather84 is offline
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Default Please help.

Five months ago I started to look for an online Dom. My husband knew and I had no intention of it ever transferring to realtime. After a few sessions with a potential Dom neither one of us were sure it would become more. Then he learned about my rape fantasy and volunteered to help me fulfill it.

I had no desire to cheat on my husband and told him so but I was told by my husband that he would be fine if we did. My personal decision was to still keep that part of me for him only and asked if the Dom would be interested if no penetration was allowed. He said he would.

We set up a play time and he "abducted" me and it was a lot of fun. So much so that we decided to do it again. Our chats became more open and we found ourselves talking as friends more than Dom and sub. I told him I couldn't be his sub because I knew he would want sex and I wouldn't be able to let go fully and trust him with that amount of devotion and servitude if I knew he was doing the same thing with other women. I knew it wouldn't work because of who I am.

Somehow along the line we started talking about Daddy/daughter relationships and it clicked for us. A taboo relationship without sex where he could still molest his little girl. I knew I could do that while he still had sex with others. We really loved what happened with that. But things started to slowly change for me. I started to fall for him.

We had a sleepoever one night for the first time, which in hindsight was not a good idea. We both became incredibly sexually frustrated and about 4 in the morning the tiredness and the tension was too much and it happened. I felt terrible. Even though my husband had said he wouldn't mind if we had sex I had told him I wasn't planning on it.

I left that playdate thinking we were over. That I had to end things and start working on my marriage. But when I talked to my husband he was more than understanding and still continued to support our relationship. At the time I believed he was so supportive because he had been playing multiple times with men, having random hookups. The 8 years we have been married I had to grow a lot to finally accept that and love him, everything about him, no matter what.

After that first time of sleeping together I told my husband that I would not go down this road if it ever meant he would eventually want the same thing with another woman. That I wouldn't be able to handle it. I didn't mind the men, after so many years of finally coming to terms with it, but no women. He assured me that I was the only woman he was interested in, and that he wouldn't ever want more. For weeks I constantly gauged him and his sincerity and finally started to believe him. I let my guard down and once that happened, I started to fall in love.

I continued to talk to and see my Daddy. It escalated into a weekend stay at his house and still my husband was supportive. My daddy stopped seeing other women now that we were sleeping together because I told him the same thing, that I was a jealous person and couldn't let myself share so much of myself with someone knowing they had someone else. I knew it was selfish but I was completely honest. I would rather have given him up altogether than deal with sharing. It was his choice.

Months went by and I knew I was falling in love with another man. Not that I stopped loving my husband at all and I wasn't sure how to handle it. My Daddy asked me if I had ever looked at the idea of poly relationships and I said no. I looked into it, read everything I could think and and started to slowly introduce the idea to my husband. He seemed a little hesitant at first but warmed to the idea over time. We started to call our situation poly.

I told my Daddy I loved him for the first time over Christmas. It was a very tender and special moment. He returned the words and the weekend was magical. After that everything changed…

My husband confessed that he was now interested in seeing women, that the weekend I was gone made him reconsider things and he wanted to look. He realized he was jealous and thought this would be a good way to balance things out. I was stunned. I reminded him what he had said about not being interested in other women and he said it was true at the time and asked if he was allowed to have a change of heart. That was fair so I said yes. and he started to look…

I shut down for a while, from both my husband and my daddy. I told my Daddy that my husband was now looking and that it was only fair I opened the door for them both. I waited to see how I would handle it, and I did not handle it well at all. I sank into a depression. I came to a place where I knew I'd have to give up my daddy and I was heartbroken. I was mad at my husband for letting me fall for another guy, for making me feel that secure in going down that road. I was miserable knowing I would lose someone I had come to care for so much.

My husband saw that I was ready to give Daddy up and talked me out of it. He told me how much he has enjoyed having him in our lives, how I was happier, more sexual, and full of life. It was true mostly because my husband works 100 plus hours and has for the last 3 years. I was lonely and this new relationship gave me a friend during those long hours. He pulled back and said he would not look, but I could see that he was much less visually enthused with my relationship with Daddy.

Asking for time with daddy became something I dreaded and I knew that I would probably lose him if my husband didn't find someone he was excited about too. I finally told him a play partner would maybe be ok, but not a relationship. I couldn't do that.

So now he is looking. And I hate it. I am broken hearted. I feel trapped and pulled in two directions all the time. Daddy has said that for now he is not interested in looking but that he knows in time he most likely will. He wants someone who can live life with him and I don't fault him for that at all. I just know that I am set up for eventual heartbreak not just once, but twice now, and while I try not to think about it most of the time, it's there, lurking.

I have no idea how something so amazing has now turned into a nightmare. I am so happy when I am with my daddy but coming to a place where I'm ok with my husband's search is not happening. I don't know what to do. Please, someone help.
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  #2  
Old 01-24-2013, 03:26 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Quote:
I reminded him what he had said about not being interested in other women and he said it was true at the time and asked if he was allowed to have a change of heart. That was fair so I said yes. and he started to look…So now he is looking. And I hate it.
He can have a change of heart. Anyone can. And he could come to you to renegotiate. That is fair, possible and he is being honest to you in communicating to you his feelings changing and asking for renegotiate.

You do NOT have to just automatically agree to new terms though just because he's reporting new emotional weather to you! That is on you for lying to him about your willingness to go there if you actually are not willing.

Quote:
I have no idea how something so amazing has now turned into a nightmare.
I think it went wahoonie when you stopped being in right relationship with yourself and stopped being honest to yourself and your spouse.

You were not honest to your husband about YOUR OWN feelings about renegotiation or keeping the limit where it stood. You gave him false info. That's a lie about your true feelings/position -- lying to him and to yourself.

All he did was report his new feelings, ask for a renegotiate, and... believed information from his wife.

Problem 1: jealousy then? Could do more Page 5 and page 6 things?

Problem 2: You went against your own willingness and desire in open relationship model? You want to participate in a CLOSED V shape thing with you as the shared female sweetie. And that is it. Not willing to be in any other shape open relationship model.

But you lied to spouse/you about your willingness to be in this new shape thing and regret it now.

Could come clean to spouse and apologize for the false info lie.

I think you all could call a "Time Out" and have some serious talks. Get it sorted and back into right relationship with all your people before it goes further.

Get back into right relationship with yourself too.

Hang in there. Be brave, and bring it on back from wacky places -- communicate more honestly.

GL!
Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-24-2013 at 03:48 AM.
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  #3  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:21 AM
heather84 heather84 is offline
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Default Regrets

I agree with you Gala.

I wrote this all out in a journal to wrap my mind around it and somehow thought it would be a good idea to post and ask for advice. I regret it now, because I know everything I've done wrong and I know he has every right to every action he has made.

I should have kept these thoughts to myself until I processed them in my own mind a little longer. Instead I aired not only my dirty laundry but my husband's and boyfriend's as well to a forum. That was not fair of me.

I appreciate the feedback and you are more than right in all your comments. I'd appreciate if I could be allowed a momentary lapse in judgement and pretend I never posted this. I was wrong.
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  #4  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:28 AM
BoringGuy BoringGuy is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heather84 View Post
I agree with you Gala.

I wrote this all out in a journal to wrap my mind around it and somehow thought it would be a good idea to post and ask for advice. I regret it now, because I know everything I've done wrong and I know he has every right to every action he has made.

I should have kept these thoughts to myself until I processed them in my own mind a little longer. Instead I aired not only my dirty laundry but my husband's and boyfriend's as well to a forum. That was not fair of me.

I appreciate the feedback and you are more than right in all your comments. I'd appreciate if I could be allowed a momentary lapse in judgement and pretend I never posted this. I was wrong.
You have 12 hours to delete your posts. There's still time.

Eta, oops, never mind. The edit window on the original post has expired.

Last edited by BoringGuy; 01-24-2013 at 04:31 AM.
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  #5  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:33 AM
Bfree Bfree is offline
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I am new to this but all I can say is don't be so hard on youself...

Take a breath, love youself & do what you need to do. Try & look at the big picture.

Everything always works out the way its meant to, even if its painful for a while.

Bxx
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Me: "B" Bisexual Female, sub, in a long term open relationship with "A"

Him: "A" Male Domme, poly

Her: "C" Bisexual Female, sub....new
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  #6  
Old 01-24-2013, 04:46 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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Don't be so hard on yourself for being human -- just get back on track. It's safe enough to post relatively anon on a forum. You will be ok.

Hang in there!

GG
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  #7  
Old 01-25-2013, 07:16 AM
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BreatheDeeply BreatheDeeply is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by heather84 View Post

... I told him I couldn't be his sub because I knew he would want sex and I wouldn't be able to let go fully and trust him with that amount of devotion and servitude if I knew he was doing the same thing with other women. I knew it wouldn't work because of who I am.

....

After that first time of sleeping together I told my husband that I would not go down this road if it ever meant he would eventually want the same thing with another woman. That I wouldn't be able to handle it...

So now he is looking. And I hate it. I am broken hearted....

I have no idea how something so amazing has now turned into a nightmare. I am so happy when I am with my daddy but coming to a place where I'm ok with my husband's search is not happening. I don't know what to do. Please, someone help.
I've excerpted some relevant parts of your post. You mention how intolerable it is for your lovers to have other relationships. You have linked your identity with jealousy - and this is causing some serious problems for you. Look at your words with regard to other relationship opportunities for the men in your life:

Wouldn't be able to handle it
Hate it
Broken hearted
Not happening

Whew! That says it all to me. Those are extreme emotions, and resolving this emotional crisis currently requires you to deny them the opportunity at exploring other women. Interestingly, you acknowledge this about yourself and so seek fairness by denying yourself the same chance at happiness.

It's a lose-lose situation.

I can't see any way you can be comfortable with the above feelings weighing down on you. Unfortunately, emotions so strongly felt require an equally strong resolve on your part to change (that is even if you see yourself capable of change). Is this the conclusion you've come to as well? Am I just restating the obvious?

I don't envy the path you need to take in order to get to a better place emotionally, but it looks like coming here and asking for advice is a good first step.

.
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