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Old 10-06-2010, 11:21 PM
Propast Propast is offline
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Default The asexual branch of our V

Hello,
I wrote a while back about my non-poly V (poly-fidelity I think is a better description, as we are a stable and closed V? Except for the glitch where I'm not allowed to see other people now that I'm interested in it.) Some of you jumped to my defense, others helpfully steered me when I was wrong.

There's a detail about our V I'd like to add, and I'm curious how it would change the story in your eyes.

S (my wife and hinge) and D (her bf) have been asexual for about 3 years now. They still have a loving bond and time together (kisses, date nights, overnight stays every few weeks, weekends away sometimes), just no sex.

It's painful to admit here, but it's originally my fault. About 1 year after we changed from a Triad to a V I had a freakout and asked them to stop having sex when we weren't all together (and since D didn't want to be involved in 3somes anymore, that pretty much ended sex for them). I have since realized this is unfair and wrong, and have several times brought up the fact that I'm willing to discuss my comfort levels and change. They aren't interested to change.

("What," you ask? He doesn't want sex? I know! Sounds crazy to me too. I've talked with him very directly though, his explanation: sex has never really been very important to him, and he is also a man who really values his personal space to pursue his interests. So he actually feels blessed to have this bond with S (and me) rather than have to choose between a primary mono relationship and just being alone. S also is not acting to resume their sexual relationship)

The imbalance seen earlier is not quite so clear now, eh? They don't have a sexual relationship, but they have a clear emotional one. Am I then off-base for asserting that we are in a poly relationship and that I would like the right to find a girlfriend (even if that includes a sexual side)?

For extra credit: Your opinions on asexuality in poly? Opinions on the difference between an asexual secondary and a darned close friend? Any experiences of the dynamics?
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Old 10-06-2010, 11:42 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Am I then off-base for asserting that we are in a poly relationship and that I would like the right to find a girlfriend (even if that includes a sexual side)?
You want it, you aren't offbase. Its really that simple. If the intention is that she won't allow you to have a secondary because they aren't having sex. Thats a very 1 v 1 attitude (you got a cookie, I want a cookie type of deal).

You are in a poly relationship, in a V. They are loving, you should if you want, be able to find a partner as well. Non-sexual loving poly relationships do exist. Especially when including a-sexual partners. Its as common as...well...a-sexuality is. But it is out there.

In the end, even if she doesn't see herself being poly and you feel like you want another partner, you shoudl explore it from that angle. If you are poly, or feel the need to try it out, then discuss it and by all means do it
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Old 10-06-2010, 11:51 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Propast View Post
S (my wife and hinge) and D (her bf) have been asexual for about 3 years now. They still have a loving bond and time together (kisses, date nights, overnight stays every few weeks, weekends away sometimes), just no sex.
This is just my gut reaction, but something smells fishy. At first glance, I would be seriously suspicious of their honesty. Please take this with a grain of salt, I'm fairly new the whole poly idea and still currently in a mono relationship. My husband has a non-sexual g/f, but there isn't kissing, "date nights" or overnights. I am curious to see what others will have to say.
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Old 10-07-2010, 05:51 AM
Propast Propast is offline
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Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
This is just my gut reaction, but something smells fishy. At first glance, I would be seriously suspicious of their honesty. Please take this with a grain of salt, I'm fairly new the whole poly idea and still currently in a mono relationship.
Hi SNeacail! A quick reaction (before I need to run off to work). There are some things that are a bit 'off' in our situation. However where I feel really fortunate is that I feel I can trust them both absolutely around the agreements we all make together.

(There are some areas where that trust doesn't work anymore, that ARE fishy, for instance I've realized I don't think she 'plays fair' in our communication and negotiations about whether I can date others. But I'll save that for another post)
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Old 10-07-2010, 05:53 AM
Propast Propast is offline
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And also...

Quote:
Originally Posted by SNeacail View Post
My husband has a non-sexual g/f, but there isn't kissing, "date nights" or overnights.
Can you please elaborate on that, I would find this a very interesting answer to the general 'asexual' question? I'm very curious to see what that means to them, and to you two as a couple. I don't quite understand the use of the term g/f if there is not even dates. Thanks!
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:09 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by Propast View Post
Am I then off-base for asserting that we are in a poly relationship and that I would like the right to find a girlfriend (even if that includes a sexual side)?

For extra credit: Your opinions on asexuality in poly? Opinions on the difference between an asexual secondary and a darned close friend? Any experiences of the dynamics?
you have the right to work towards whatever you need to work towards... whether she is okay with that or not is the question and how are you going to figure out how she will be if she isn't

an asexual secondary is very different than a close friend. Close friends don't have the same energy. They don't sit close to each other and enjoy the energy from each other in a thoughtful loving way, they don't hug for a long time when they say goodbye or feel their closeness to the other in terms of love in the same way. I have a non-sexual boyfriend that fits this bill somewhat and he just simply feels different to me. I don't have that separateness feeling with him. Friends I sit across from and hug but in a jolly way, rather than a loving deep way. yup, I get the difference.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-07-2010 at 07:38 AM.
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Old 10-07-2010, 07:36 AM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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This year I attended a conference in our city that included a speaker from the asexual community. I had never considered this a relationship/sexual preference identification before, but it makes perfect sense that is would fit within a poly context. Here is their website, in case anyone is interested:

http://www.asexuality.org/home/
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Old 10-07-2010, 10:56 AM
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bimblynim bimblynim is offline
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As some-one currenly navigating her way arround how relationships might work best for me I can only say I know asexy poly can exist (maybe check out AVEN or A-positive as asexual fora) Asexy relationships are simmilar to sexy relationships except sex is not a priority for either partner (or they negotiate) In my oppinion, if they've found assexuality works well for them, cool, but that doesn't negate your needs. ie if you want/need a sexual partner/more sex you are within your rights to negotiate for it. Good luck with it all


Nim

Incidently others who are having trouble understanding asexuality may also like to check out the above mentioned fora. I know asexuality is hard for people to understand but the gut assumption of disshonesty is as painful when applied to asexuality as it is poly

Last edited by bimblynim; 10-07-2010 at 04:48 PM.
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Old 10-07-2010, 02:08 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Propast View Post
And also...

Can you please elaborate on that, I would find this a very interesting answer to the general 'asexual' question? I'm very curious to see what that means to them, and to you two as a couple. I don't quite understand the use of the term g/f if there is not even dates. Thanks!
I have dubbed her the g/f, he hasn't, he tells people she is his sister. For years it has been a running joke between our two familes and some friends that she is his second wife. It is a complete non-sexual dynamic, but it is much closer than just friends.
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