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Old 10-05-2010, 06:20 PM
Sauce Sauce is offline
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Default I tripped over my own feet and need some help

Ok this is kinda long but... I'm 30 yrs old and my lady is 42 yrs old lets call her Liz. Well Liz and I have talked about poly and she was moving alone nicely getting use to the idea (I want this) all was going well and she even found this forum for me... untill she got a funny feeling about a woman that i worked with. Now me and this woman got kinda close and we had fun at work (joking and laughing) and we became text buddies. Liz didn't like this as I use sex as my humor, you know the shock factor, which Liz knows that I do she has worked with me before. I was just being me and the woman at work followed suit and came right back with sex jokes. I thought all was well. Liz read some of the text and told me I can no longer talk to this woman. Lets call her Beth. Beth is 23 yrs old and both Liz and Beth are red heads, both wear glasses and are both cancers. I never thought of Beth in a sexual way or even as the third person in our new poly life but Liz seems to think that I was holding on to Beth and keeping her in the wings untill Liz was ready. I've told her over and over again that was not my intention but six months later (after we've stopped talking about it) maybe she was right, maybe I was doing just that. Now I don't know if Beth would even go for the idea of being poly but the more I thought about it the more it became a yes to try it. But I can no longer speak to Beth and if I brought this up to Liz it would cause a whole new set of problems. Also after I was no longer allowed to speak to Beth I did anyway and was caught twice. It was my stupid man child voice saying nobodies gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!!! Also Liz and I have moved in together about 2 months ago and I can't find a way to talk about any of this without seeming to look like it was all some kind of plan or something. is there any way to do this without giving Liz the feeling that its all a plan or that I'm trying to replace her or something like that? Liz is my world and I don't wanna make her feel as if she's not
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Old 10-05-2010, 06:53 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Speaking from a woman's point of view I can see why Liz over reacted to Beth. Liz is 42 and Beth is 23 and by your own admission they are similar in appearance. As women we are told over and over again that being older is negative and that your man will want to replace you with someone younger. Since things haven't progressed beyond a friendship with Beth it should probably stay that way for the time being until Liz has a chance to process why she is feeling the way she is about you being involved with Beth. Try to meet some new people and see how she reacts to others. Take things slow and keep talking about issues as they come up.

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Old 10-05-2010, 07:04 PM
Sauce Sauce is offline
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Thank you Derby, Sadly I think you're right. But another thing is that Liz and i are both chefs and when we worked together with all of the pretty young wait staff around us I chose to be with Liz. I just like older (than me ) women Liz knows that for the life of me I can't see why Beth would be a threat, age wise. I don't know I'll take you're advice. thank you again
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:35 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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"Liz & Beth". Cute. Eros Comix fan, by any chance?
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Old 10-05-2010, 07:48 PM
Sauce Sauce is offline
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no they were just easy. Elizabeth i just took one name and made it two
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Old 10-05-2010, 09:11 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Google search for "liz & beth eros"
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Old 10-05-2010, 09:19 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sauce View Post
Liz read some of the text and told me I can no longer talk to this woman.

Also after I was no longer allowed to speak to Beth I did anyway and was caught twice. It was my stupid man child voice saying nobodies gonna tell me who I can and can't be friends with!!!
There's a basic problem with this. I can understand your partner holding out on the idea of poly, but telling you who you can and can't speak to is definitely a red flag regardless of poly or not. In a mono relationship this would not be an indication of a healthy relationship dynamic but your desire for poly may be a factor I presume. If a guy saying this to his wife/girlfriend on here the flames would already be burning high.

Is it just this one woman your partner has this issue with?
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Old 10-06-2010, 12:22 AM
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I would suggest the age difference also. Is there any history there for her? Another person dumping her for a younger woman or something? Does she have a reason to not trust you?

Other than that I think she and you could use a sit down to establish some boundaries of what would work for you both. It will take awhile to come up with what your needs are and hers and how to work around them and with them, but take your time. These talks are relationship changing and very helpful, bonding and connecting... think of needs such as the need to feel loved and how to achieve that through words, actions and doing what you say... or the need to be special and close... also in terms of words, actions and what you say you will do.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-06-2010 at 01:14 AM.
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