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  #1  
Old 10-02-2010, 07:45 AM
freeantigone freeantigone is offline
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Default Setting up dates for your partner

Since deciding to actively explore poly after it sitting on the backburner for a year or two in various ways, my partner and I have encountered a problem.

We've decided that to start off on equal footing and make the transition as simple as we can, we will not be physical with other partners until both of us have found someone.

I (female) have found two possible partners so far, one is a friend who is happy to be a FWB; the other a poly guy who I met on OKC. My partner (male) hasn't found anyone yet, despite much searching

Among our group of friends there are several women who have flirted with him (some quite intensely) in the past. Now, it may be that they don't know we're poly and thus aren't aware that he's available; it may be they're not confident making the first move; or it may be they're not interested.

My partner is somewhat cautious about contacting them nd doesn't really know how to go about it. This is where I came up with a plan

If I were to get talking to these women and suggest they go for a coffee with him/meet up with him in London when he 'happens' to be going/etc., providing I did it delicately enough for it not to sound odd, would it work?

Anyone had any experience of organising dates for your partner? Any tips?
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  #2  
Old 10-02-2010, 07:32 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Default This is all my personal opinion read warily

Honesty....

Here's the thing about polyamory...

It's about HONESTY and OPENNESS.

That's the key difference between poly and cheating.


The honesty and openness needs to start from day one in any new relationships (when reading "relationships" read ANY format of relationship, not just sexual).

That means that if you want to create a potential date with someone-you need to TELL THEM that you are doing so.

If you are looking to potentially add someone to your poly-dynamic;
tell them you are poly FIRST. They (just as much as you and your partner) deserve the respect, honesty, openness and forthrightness of knowing what it is that they are potentially getting into.

Especially someone new to the idea is going to have a lot of questions about what it is exactly that you are looking for.
A fuck buddy?
A friend with benefits?
(two concepts most people comprehend even if they've never heard of poly)

If you say you love me-what does that mean to me? Do I have to sleep with your wife then?
Do we all live together?
Do you spend the night with me 3 nights one week and 4 the next?
Does she come first all of the time or are we equal in some/all things?
Who has input about you potentially moving far away?
Do you want input in me moving far away?
Am I your "dirty little secret" and so I can't tell anyone I have a boyfriend?
Are we going to tell everyone we're dating?
Do we only date in public in the next town?
Am I expected to participate in family events?
Are you going to want to go to my brothers wedding as my date or your wife's date or both?
Can I call you/text you anytime or are there times I can't?
Do we use protection?
Do you want kids with her only or with both of us?
Do you care that I want 6 kids of my own?
Do you not want ANY kids?
Do you want kids and I don't want any kids?

You see?
These are the types of things that come up when you are getting to know someone that you MIGHT be interested in.... But, if you aren't honest and upfront about being serious in your primary relationship and if you aren't already on track with your SO about any of these things.... then problems arise in the dating scene....

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  #3  
Old 10-02-2010, 09:09 PM
freeantigone freeantigone is offline
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OK OK, I don't need a rant about poly ethics

I was more referring to a slightly more sophisticated modus operandi than "hi, we're both poly, do you want to fuck my boyfriend"?

I'm a Brit, I just can't be that blunt!
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  #4  
Old 10-02-2010, 09:18 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freeantigone View Post
OK OK, I don't need a rant about poly ethics

I was more referring to a slightly more sophisticated modus operandi than "hi, we're both poly, do you want to fuck my boyfriend"?

I'm a Brit, I just can't be that blunt!
There are a few out there that work like this. It really does depend on your relationship and how your friends take it. Not everyone is an active looker

My wife, and this is more because she finds it funny, has been known to offer me up for sex in the past. In her own cute way that doesn't offend, but lets people know I am available. Bit of a tough balance because if you come across too rudely you will chase away friends

I am an active looker, Pengrah is not. I am social make friends easily. I don't really want my partners setting up actual dates for me.

Some immediate downfalls. As with being a normal single person, being setup can create resentments.

Not to mention your first rule, if he doesn't click for example, could create resentment in you for wanting to become involved with your partners. But since you don't want any poly preaching I will leave that alone
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  #5  
Old 10-02-2010, 09:35 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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I wasn't trying to rant about ethics.
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Old 10-02-2010, 09:40 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Have you checked out this thread

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=2835

Also, you are runninginto the usual problem with life and dating. Guys don't find people on whims or quickly. Its rare anyways. Look through old threads here of the umpteen complaints abotu being male, available and unable to find someone. Just a fact...

good luck
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  #7  
Old 10-02-2010, 10:56 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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I actually set up my wife and her boyfriends first date. It was kinda fun for me, and they had a blast. It was kinda like a scavenger hunt for them, which helped them to learn more about each other, while spending time alone together....kinda. I required them to text me pics along the way. Part of the reason for this was so that I knew she was safe and ok. The other part was because this was the first time my wife had ben on a "date" with someone other than me.....and I had insecurities. Soooo...Yeah. There you go. It worked extremely well for us.
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  #8  
Old 10-02-2010, 11:14 PM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by freeantigone View Post
We've decided that to start off on equal footing and make the transition as simple as we can, we will not be physical with other partners until both of us have found someone.
How does this make the transition simpler?
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  #9  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:14 AM
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geminigirl geminigirl is offline
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I'm with Ceoli. In my experience, trying to keep things "equal" between two partners in poly doesn't make things easier, but more complicated. I've usually found it's better to go slowly with the relationships that do develop and increase levels of communication and reassurance between everyone involved. It's very seldom that both partners in a primary pair will find exactly the same number of other partners at exactly the same time and at exactly the same level of intensity. I find that putting contingencies on relationships that are based on other people's relationships (eg. we can't do *this* until my partner has also done *this*) to be a far too clinical approach to relationships.

OTOH, being open to your primary partner finding people to date is a great way to help everyone get used to sharing. My suggestion (I know you're not asking for one but I'm offering anyway, heh) is that you agree not to be sexual with other partners until you're both comfortable with the idea, rather than both of you having someone to "do it with" at the same time.

As far as tips on setting up dates for your partner, this will probably work best if you try and find other poly women for him to date, because they won't be freaked out by you doing it. Are you talking about London, UK? If so, there is a BIG poly community for you to draw on, and speaking from experience as a poly woman, I always appreciate knowing my partner's wife/gf is willing and happy to share. Go to poly socials with him and be open to other women and see what happens.

Last edited by NeonKaos; 10-03-2010 at 01:23 AM. Reason: merge posts
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  #10  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:19 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
How does this make the transition simpler?
I was wondering this too. If I waited for my husband to find a date, I would be no where and neither would my husband. Women find dates way more than the men. That's just how it seems to be.

When it ends for one of you, will the other have to end it? That would be heart breaking no? We have learned so much just by my finding love and other relationships. We have built family based on my relationships mostly.

I suggest doing some reading on here and get to know some people who have been in this for awhile. Not to say that what you are trying won't work, but it might help you foresee what could come up.

LR is a huge resource, she is very giving and wise. Please don't think she is preaching and spouting off about things she doesn't know first hand anything about. She writes from her heart and out of concern for others and out of excitment for their journey, much like most of us here. I hope you make use of that and share of yourself as much (either publically or in pm). That is what the foundation of poly is about for me anyway. And a lot of others on here.
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Last edited by redpepper; 10-03-2010 at 01:52 AM.
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