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Old 10-04-2010, 07:09 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Wow guys, thanks for all this feedback, I've been offline all day and was blown away by the thoughtful feedback. Especially the person who has identified with the "free-spirit" type persona.
For some reason it helps me to know that there are other people like J around and maybe we're not imagining things.

There is validity in everything you've said. I also think the advice that RP gave on another post called part-time poly is very relevant here.

It's interesting that we generally have great communication but over this I'm actually scared to talk to him. He's been much better today; I don't think he's called her and I don't even want to mention her in case it brings back his pain. But when/if he gets the blues again I will be definitely be using anotherbo's "relax, let her be...." line.

We both need to be strong, he needs to be strong without her and I need to be strong without him (his usual loving self), while he struggles with this.

Thanks Again

Last edited by sage; 10-04-2010 at 07:14 AM.
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Old 10-04-2010, 01:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by sage View Post
If we don't believe that another relationship is healthy for our partner should we get involved to try and resolve it?
Well Sage, I'm not one who believes it's up to any other person to 'resolve' anyone else's life struggles - unless physical danger is present.

To me it crosses a 'control' boundary that I find antithetical to poly beliefs in particular.

However, I do feel that we do have some ethical obligation to (at the proper time when it will be listened to) point out unhealthy people/behavior, complete with facts and details to back it up. This is important to me. I don't want to hear how you'feel' about something, I want it pointed out to me certain history or behavior that is concerning or harmful/risky. Just the facts M'am - just the facts.

From there it's up to me to see the truth in that and act accordingly. I'm a grown adult. There's an imperative to make my own 'good' choices or reap the consequences. But it helps to be reminded that - especially in a poly life - that those consequences can ripple beyond myself. When you 'signed up' for poly, that was one of the responsibilities you agreed (knowingly or not) to shoulder. Better hold up your end of the bargain.

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Old 10-04-2010, 04:57 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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I haven't read all of the responses, so hopefully I am not repeating anyone or behind the time. But there are two thoughts I have, and it depends on the people involved

1 - slow breakup... cauterize the wound before it begins to hurt to much. This may seem harsh but ending it instead of having a long drawn out breakup will begin the healing at a potentially better stage.

2 - The belief that all relationships are fluid - This reads well to me, and in fact I have done in practice, but it can be a painful process. Allow the relationship to go to where it goes, but understand that all relationships are fluid. To hold onto a specific relationship a certain way can cause heartbreak. I see a lot of this in long term poly's. Something of a zen moment I guess.

Neither is great, but both allow the person who is suffering to regain control.
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Old 10-06-2010, 09:07 AM
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sage sage is offline
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Yes Ari but it isn't my relationship that is breaking down slowly (I think anyway) it is Z's. The question is how much should a partner get involved when they feel that they are being impacted by the lack of resolution between their partner and another. I think GS is right, I can really only remind him that he needs to deal (not how) and that I don't want to be impacted by it too much. He is being very good about it in general but I can see how hard he is having to work to keep his sadness at bay as much as he does (and that breaks my heart). It is also impacting on how I feel about his other. We were on good terms but I am getting annoyed by her treatment of him.
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Old 10-06-2010, 02:55 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Oh Sage I can relate to what you say in this thread. It reminds me of PN and roly and the end of their relationship. It was hard for me to sit back and just watch his heart break. There is really nothing to do but make sure he is dealing with it and not putting blinders on to the fact that it is ending.

It was hard to deal with my changed emotions around her also and I couldn't help but feel that it was my fault. If I were a better metamour, if we were better people or a better match then she wouldn't feel like it's done. I took a lot on for sure... really it was just meant to be.

I talk of this in the beginning of my blog I think...
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