Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #11  
Old 10-03-2010, 01:55 AM
Mohegan's Avatar
Mohegan Mohegan is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2010
Posts: 756
Default

I second RP and Ceoli whole heartedly.

I will answer, in what I understand the context of your question to be:

Karma and I have intervened for the other, Because we are well known as a married couple. A lot of people don't have an issue with this, but some do. Some just won't take a step out of fear of rocking a boat. Karma and I have both approached eachothers interests in simply saying...

"I've noticed you and Mohegan really hit it off, and she really like the kiss the other night, I just wanted you to know I am completely okay with you guys seeing if there is something there. I'd love for you to date her, if that is your interest. Just wanted you to know, if that is step you are considering, you have my blessing, oh and in case you wondered, she's interested."

A lot of people are afraid of being percieved as a homewrecker, which is where I loved what LR posted about clarity and honesty. Karma and I discuss it all. Discuss if we want the other to say something. and respect eachothers wishes in that regard.

Best of luck to you!
Reply With Quote
  #12  
Old 10-03-2010, 02:19 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
You see?
These are the types of things that come up when you are getting to know someone that you MIGHT be interested in.... But, if you aren't honest and upfront about being serious in your primary relationship and if you aren't already on track with your SO about any of these things.... then problems arise in the dating scene....

I think most of those example questions are things that come up *after* getting to know someone and they have decided to pursue something more.

In terms of meeting up for a coffee date, honestly, I don't think it needs to be decided who gets to be the one to have kids or what the sleeping arrangements will be. It's just a coffee date. Just like any other date, a baseline of honesty- as in "This is who I am" "This is what I'm looking for" etc is really all that's needed.
Reply With Quote
  #13  
Old 10-03-2010, 08:23 AM
freeantigone freeantigone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 46
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
I actually set up my wife and her boyfriends first date. It was kinda fun for me, and they had a blast. ... There you go. It worked extremely well for us.
I'm more proactive than my partner, so this idea appeals. Thanks for the info

@Ceoli, Geminigirl, RP: It's not that we plan to live our poly lives doing everything exactly at the same time e.g. "I did X, Y and Z with E on Saturday so you need to do X, Y and Z with your partner on Sunday". We don't want to be physical with other people until both of us have someone. Both my interested parties are aware that physical stuff is out of limits until S finds someone. After that we'll see how it goes, each relationship can grow and move at its own natural pace. If this means one breaks up and the other doesn't then that's fine.

@Geminigirl: Thanks for the advice. We're going to a Poly meetup next week so hopefully that'll be fun

@Mohegan I think this is how we are viewed too - we're such a strong unit. Your advice for what I could say to explain that I'm happy for people to see him is really useful & exactly what I was after, thankyou

@RP and LR
I'm sorry for snapping, I read it as being preached at. Thankyou for your advice and care.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli
I think most of those example questions are things that come up *after* getting to know someone and they have decided to pursue something more.

In terms of meeting up for a coffee date, honestly, I don't think it needs to be decided who gets to be the one to have kids or what the sleeping arrangements will be. It's just a coffee date. Just like any other date, a baseline of honesty- as in "This is who I am" "This is what I'm looking for" etc is really all that's needed.
^My thoughts exactly. I personally wouldn't sit down to a casual coffee date and run through my lifeplans. You cover that stuff later.
Reply With Quote
  #14  
Old 10-03-2010, 08:43 AM
redpepper's Avatar
redpepper redpepper is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Canada
Posts: 7,632
Default

Hm, interesting. Is poly new to you or is this how you have done it for awhile? Waiting until both of you have someone lined up that is? I just haven't heard of that working out before. I would think that the one who is dateless would feel bad about holding other back and the other would feel frustrated that their partner isn't getting the job done. Sometimes our mojo isn't working or we just don't feel like finding anyone, what then? Would you find one anyway, just out of obligaition? Would you not out of obligation? I would think that potential partners would be frustrated too and lose interest. What would the dateless partner feel about causing his love to lose out on a potentially good thing? Or how would you feel about that? What if your partner feels rushed and pushed by your getting dates for him?

What are you hoping to gain or what have you gained from waiting until you both have dates?

All very interesting to me.
Thanks for sharing!
__________________
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM
My blog
Reply With Quote
  #15  
Old 10-03-2010, 08:46 AM
Ceoli Ceoli is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 900
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by freeantigone View Post
@Ceoli, Geminigirl, RP: It's not that we plan to live our poly lives doing everything exactly at the same time e.g. "I did X, Y and Z with E on Saturday so you need to do X, Y and Z with your partner on Sunday". We don't want to be physical with other people until both of us have someone. Both my interested parties are aware that physical stuff is out of limits until S finds someone. After that we'll see how it goes, each relationship can grow and move at its own natural pace. If this means one breaks up and the other doesn't then that's fine.
One of my partners always says that it's important to know the reasons behind setting up certain rules. I'm still not sure how waiting till both of you have someone before being physical another partner makes things simpler. What is the reasoning behind it?
Reply With Quote
  #16  
Old 10-03-2010, 10:03 AM
freeantigone freeantigone is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kent, UK
Posts: 46
Default

The reason is that we can see how this feels (being with other people) simultaneously. We have negotiated this between us and are happy with it. You know, like consenting grown-ups

We're both actively looking, so one of us giving up isn't an issue, and because we both negotiated and agreed to it there aren't any bad feelings.

It's about moving at the pace of the slowest person, (in this case my partner, although when things get physical it'll probably be me) and at the moment that means me not being physical with my other partners (who, I stress, know the situation and are fine with it) until S finds someone. That may take weeks, months or years, and so be it.

It might seem odd to you guys but we're doing this our way, and this is how we feel comfortable.
Reply With Quote
  #17  
Old 10-03-2010, 02:17 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231
Default

Hey Free,

I agree with several of the other posts. I can see where you are making an attempt to keep things fair and balanced from the beginning but it's pretty far removed from reality - at least the reality of everyone I/we know !

Also - please don't slough off LR's points she tried to offer. There's really a wealth of practical wisdom condensed there in a paragraph. That is all stuff that WILL eventually surface, so it's good to put some thought to it in advance. Failure to do exactly that causes endless crisis and heartache in many new poly explorers.

In general there's terrible imbalance in the gender problem (women available and willing to accept poly from a male or female lover). If I even speculated on the reasoning behind it I'd be tarred and feathered and run out on a rail here.
Nevertheless, it is what it is. The facts are incontrovertible.

I suggest you and your SO have a good, deep, long discussion on the reality of this. If you are bi and open to some form of triad arrangement it may increase his odds slightly. But ONLY slightly. Probably just best to go about his life as usual with an eye open for people he naturally connects with and hope for the best. Most great relationships start from a foundation of deep friendship and mutual respect. When those elements exist between people taking the next step up to a more intimate, loving relationship is considerably easier.

And from your side, being the female, although you will be 'in demand', many of those demands may be somewhat shallow and sexually driven. Guard your own heart-girl All that glitters at first is not gold and tarnishes quickly.

Be patient. Study.

GS
Reply With Quote
  #18  
Old 10-03-2010, 03:46 PM
MonoVCPHG's Avatar
MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: In Redpepper's heart
Posts: 4,742
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post

And from your side, being the female, although you will be 'in demand', many of those demands may be somewhat shallow and sexually driven. Guard your own heart-girl All that glitters at first is not gold and tarnishes quickly.

Be patient. Study.

GS
This is a great point. Thanks for adding this GS
__________________

Playing the Game of Life with Monopoly rules.
Monogamy might just be in my genes

Poly Events All Over
Reply With Quote
  #19  
Old 10-03-2010, 04:12 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 278
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by freeantigone View Post
We're both actively looking, so one of us giving up isn't an issue, and because we both negotiated and agreed to it there aren't any bad feelings.
One of the things I'm learning is that bad feelings can't be managed with rules because feelings are not often rational.
For instance: I saw my other last night. I left the house knowing maybe, possibly, perhaps, my husband might end up seeing his interest that night but he was home when I left. They have not seen each other sexually in at least a month because of poor communication that caused a problem.
I came home to an empty house and was pretty sure where my husband was, but still feeling a bit petulant over it. It passed quickly as I had no rational reason to feel that way, but initially - I still felt bad.
My husband, as I said, ran into a problem with who he had been seeing while I have not had any issues with who I've been seeing. Me seeing or not seeing my interest had nothing to do with the issues he had dealt with. I could not make his issue go away by not seeing someone anymore than continuing to see someone would make his issue go away. My husband still had a moment of "grrrr, you're having fun and I'm not" despite knowing what he was dealing with was his own making. He knew the feeling was irrational, but he felt it anyway.

The point is, even if you two wait till you both have partners - you can't know what will come to pass. He might meet someone and it go really well for him while both of the interests you have burn out fast. Will you then ask him to stop seeing someone he gets along with well simply because your end of things didn't pan out the way you'd hoped? This can lead to resentment and bad feelings just as fast as you jumping in the pool before he even has his swim trunks on might cause.
Reply With Quote
  #20  
Old 10-03-2010, 05:03 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
Custodian
 
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: new england
Posts: 3,221
Default

I have said before that I would feel more comfortable getting involved with a new person if my husband already had someone else, but on the other hand, I'm not sure what I would feel if he was spending time with the other person and I DIDN'T have someone else. However, these are my issues and we do not have a "rule" about this. The only two "rules" we have are that we practice safe-sex and that we don't allow any drama from another relationship to affect ours in a de-constructive way.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 07:28 PM.