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Old 06-08-2009, 08:32 PM
whitewolfokc whitewolfokc is offline
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My secondary posts what happens best, so i'm just gonna copy/paste from her. We had a wonderful triad that is probably ending in divorce. I will be honest, I cannot give up my love for what I considered my second wife. Thoughts?

Quote from our third's facebook:

In November, I was provided an opportunity by a friend. One, that was very generous, and completely unexpected. I was at home, and a very good friend came over. One that I hadn't seen in a long time, due to a *huge* misunderstanding. He was in my home for what he came for, to fix my computer. He left, was gone for an hour, and came back.... quite to my suprise. When he came back, we had sex, some of the best sex I've had in my entire life. He had reassured me it was ok, and the next day, I took a flower to his wife. She and I sat down and talked. Had a long discussion about how it was ok, and how she wanted that for me, and that we'd like to start over and be friends, again. I very much wanted that too.

It was a very tenative start. Mainly because I really didn't know that it really was ok, I mean, really, in all effect, she was pimping out her husband for stud services. We started talking about a triad relationship. It kinda scared me. I mean, I was/am still in a relationship that's in limbo, still married, in the middle of divorce proceedings. But we found a way for it to work for all of us. So, I thought. I had talked to wife, and we had these discussions that were open and honest, and she encouraged me to figure out my feelings for her husband, to go ahead and love him, and to follow wherever it would take me. I told her that I loved her husband. That was THE scariest thing I think I've ever done. And when I told her, she hugged me, and told me not to hurt him. To love him, to think of him, to care for him and to consider him when I make my decisions. In return, I assured her that I very much wanted a relationship with her as well as him. That I loved her as well. I could really see myself loving both of them, and being with them. It felt like home. It was never my intent to be just with him, but with both of them.

I started spending every available weekend with them, during the week, I would take myself and the kids over there and they'd play, we even started combining the groceries. ***BTW, huge note here, because there are children involved, we never *ever* did anything personal or intimate infront of the kids. No touching, no holding hands....nada...That was one thing that was always very carefully observed. Any and all activities were done discretely with no children present.***

Up until about 2 or 3 weeks ago, it was all going pretty smoothly. Then all of a sudden, wife put the major breaks on, and slammed everything to a complete halt. And then put everything in to complete reverse. And I mean, balls to the wall, leaving skid marks and smoke reverse. So, in an effort to make sure things were ok, I tried to stay out of the discussions she had with her husband. After all, it wasn't my place, I was just a guest in their relationship, and really had no leg to stand on. I felt like my role in the relationship with them was only to enhance what they had together. Nothing for personal gain. When I saw it all going away, my heart just sorta clammed up. A second huge devestation to me in under 6 months time. It was a bit much. We were able to come together and get our project finished and to a Faire together in that weeks time. When we got back, things seemed to get better and better and better. She and I were talking more, and we were talking about more intimate subjects. More personal things, things that made us a 'couple'. I was so happy and excited about where we were headed, and was so in love, and started to feel comfortable again. She insisted that things were good, and getting better, and that she wanted me there.

This past weekend, they decided that divorce was their next option. While I know this is a huge devestation for both of them, and in all of this, my feelings don't really seem to matter, but to me, I really feel like I'm losing my family all over again. This hurts so much. While I can't and don't expect you to understand any of this.... I really don't want anyone pointing fingers at me. I've got my own 10 fingers and the all seem to find their way to point at me 100 times a day. This lifestyle is really outside the box, and it seemed to fit for 2 of us.... and I thought it fit for wife as well.... but ....well, I don't know why she said it was ok, when clearly it wasn't for her. I'm so frustrated. I'm so sad, and I really just miss my friend. I'm so sad that she is hurting, and I can't make it better for her, and I'm so sorry that she let it get this far without doing something about it. *sigh*

I'm just so sad, and I'm so sorry. I just needed to vent and say something. I love him, dearly, more than anything. He's made me soo happy. We connect on such a deep level, I don't know that I've ever been happier in my whole life. I love her so much, and I'm so mad at her for lying to me, and telling me everything was ok, when it wasn't, now its caused 2x the heartache. I'm mad because I'd finally found a way that worked for me, I'd found not only 1 person to love, but 2, and I did it without hesitation, and now my heart has been broke doubly, it feels like I've lost a best friend.

So, that kinda explains all the morose status updates for me. Sorry I can't be more joyful.
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  #2  
Old 06-09-2009, 12:45 AM
Mark1npt Mark1npt is offline
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Jeez, sounds so much like my life, only we're still a triad, but only after many false starts, stops, hesitations and trepidations. My wife also was ok with it at first, but slowly emotions, feelings have surfaced that we've all had to deal with. Luckily for all 3 of us we've been able to progress to everyone's mutual benefit and happiness, so far. Sorry for your loss, my wife and our 3rd are best friends. She has always said that she would rather lose me than my wife's friendship (and they aren't even lovers or sexual together, just great friends).........but just do know, that there may be others out there for you. please don't give up in your pursuit of happiness.
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Old 06-09-2009, 02:16 AM
StarGazer StarGazer is offline
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That sounds awful. Divorce is never fun- especially in a situation where you still love both parties and see nothing you can do to salvage the situation. I think that'd be a fear of mine if I were in a poly relationshpi, that the others wouldn't want to be with each other/me any more.

I hope you find a way for everything to work out- whatever that ends up meaning.
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Old 06-09-2009, 02:20 AM
Quath Quath is offline
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That sucks! So is the relationship with your secondary the wedge issue that is causing the divorce or is it something else?
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  #5  
Old 06-09-2009, 04:55 AM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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I am with Quath. I want more details on your wife and the divorce. You say you won't give her up for the secondary, and the secondary says that your wife has filed. In legal terms, your choice doesn't matter. Your wife filed for divorce. Please provide details. You should go see a counselor, and if you can find one who has dealt with poly it would be better.
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  #6  
Old 06-09-2009, 01:18 PM
whitewolfokc whitewolfokc is offline
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The amount of hurt from her stopping all this has just pained me too much. We are going to counseling, but honestly it is more like divorce counseling. No she has not filed yet.

Did my secondary cause the rift? Yes....and yet no at the same time. If you had two children which do you sacrifice? If one actually asked you to save them and let the other die, you'd probably save the other. I loved them both, but asking me to stop my love for one has torn me apart enough that I dont know that I can stay with her. There is too much hurt and resentment that now comes out between us. All the kids do is see us argue. And yes, I still love my secondary with all my heart. I never cheated on my wife in my entire life....but asking me to stop this has caused it to turn to that to some degree. I'm sorry I know that's awful, but at this point I will probably end up with my secondary as a primary relationship. I doubt either of us would enter into something like this again. We were both happy the way things were, but I dont think either of us can live happy like this.
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  #7  
Old 06-09-2009, 03:53 PM
alphafour alphafour is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by whitewolfokc View Post
I loved them both, but asking me to stop my love for one has torn me apart enough that I dont know that I can stay with her.
I learned the hard way. You can still love someone whom you can't stay with. I got a double dose. First we separated, and then she passed. I can surely say that we cannot be together, ever in this life; and that I love her still.

I had to leave her for the pain that being together caused. I have since learned how to handle some of the issues that tore us apart, but she has left the scene. Take the advice of your counselor, and listen intently to the heart of your spouse. Women have trouble expressing their feeling with words, but you know they are having them. They live for the feelings. The words don't say what they really feel, so you have to try to read her mind, and understand the feelings. It isn't easy at all. If your counselor isn't giving you instruction on how to speak feelings to a woman, get a new counselor.

I am not even there, and this is what I "hear" that you should say:

"I know you are feeling uneasy about our poly relationship, and feel frustrated because I am paying less attention to you and the children. It makes me feel very unhappy when you retaliate with separation(or anger) and upset everybody. I want the best for all of us, and I would feel much better if you could communicate when you are feeling left out or troubled."

You might not want to use the "feeling" word as often as I did, and you will find it difficult to use it at all. You are a man. You think, not "feel."

Last edited by alphafour; 06-09-2009 at 04:07 PM.
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  #8  
Old 06-09-2009, 05:51 PM
whitewolfokc whitewolfokc is offline
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When this all begin I did alot of reading on different poly sites. I was worried that my "secondary" would have her feelings discounted by my wife. She reassured me over and over that she wouldnt do that, but now says that she was simply saying that all this time because she thought that if she demanded I end it, that it would kill me. I never argued that with her, because honestly I knew it would.

Unfortunately for her there isnt a "what is best for all of us". She feels she is hurt to much to care at all what the other one feels at this point.

I do understand the reading the mind statement. While she told us for 8 months she was trying to be okay with it, she really never was. But no, i'm not a good mind reader. If you are going to feel one thing but say another, honestly I think you can't complain when things dont go your way. You can't expect someone to read your mind. You have to say what you need or want. Maybe in this case she didnt feel like she could say it because of exactly what happened, but it's better than living in a bubble.
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Old 06-09-2009, 06:00 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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It sounds like you had what people refer to as a "gut feeling" that she wasn't 100% candid about her misgivings. She probably gave you some subconscious, nonverbal cues toward that, such as body language, tone of voice, and micro-facial expressions.

That is a bit different from "being psychic" or "reading minds" and certainly not the same as "men think / women feel / women need men to get them in touch with their own emotions".
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  #10  
Old 06-09-2009, 07:15 PM
vampiresscammy vampiresscammy is offline
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"I really didn't know that it really was ok, I mean, really, in all effect, she was pimping out her husband for stud services." -----
If thats truly what she thought, thats a very very huge misunderstanding of where to start poly in my opinion

"And when I told her, she hugged me, and told me not to hurt him. To love him, to think of him, to care for him and to consider him when I make my decisions. In return, I assured her that I very much wanted a relationship with her as well as him. That I loved her as well. I could really see myself loving both of them, and being with them." ------
had you and your mrs prior to you bringing 3rd in decide your mrs and the 3rd would be involved as well? maybe she thought it would be a V type situation and wasnt quite prepared to actually see you with 3rd and wasn't ready for 3rd to want her?

"And I mean, balls to the wall, leaving skid marks and smoke reverse. So, in an effort to make sure things were ok, I tried to stay out of the discussions she had with her husband. After all, it wasn't my place, I was just a guest in their relationship"---------
this raises red flags to me, especially the last sentence, if she truly felt she was NOT part of your relationship and has no right being part of a discusiion concerning the 3 of you, then I'm woefully confused, why on earth would she feel that way? it really sounds like at least the 3rd if not your wife were both very unsure of your complete (as in all 3 of you)relationship


"She and I were talking more, and we were talking about more intimate subjects. More personal things, things that made us a 'couple'." ------------
okay, but were they and you actually discussing your relationship? at any point did you all say out loud what you all each individually and triadwise wanted from each other and your relationship?

"She insisted that things were good, and getting better, and that she wanted me there." --------
yes, but again, did the mrs ever say she wanted to be physical with 3rd or siimply let you and 3rd be together and her and 3rd be friends?

"I do understand the reading the mind statement. While she told us for 8 months she was trying to be okay with it, she really never was. But no, i'm not a good mind reader. If you are going to feel one thing but say another, honestly I think you can't complain when things dont go your way. You can't expect someone to read your mind. You have to say what you need or want. Maybe in this case she didnt feel like she could say it because of exactly what happened, but it's better than living in a bubble."-------

how about she was unsure at first and simply wanted to give it a chance to try and make it work for you all? and finally realzied she couldn't to late after you and 3rd had already professed your love? too late then to say no thanks, and unfortunately soemitmes when folks feel caught between a rock and hard place they choose very poorly what to do next

i personally would suggest the three of you make time, find some quiet uninterrupted time and place to all sit down and really talk and listen to one another, keep talking, talk some more until you really understand each other then talk some more just to be more sure than sure and see if you can save things, or if your really not interested in that, then i'd encourage making a choice of whom you want more and as painlessly as possible let the other go, but thats just me

good luck to you
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