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  #11  
Old 01-27-2013, 07:18 AM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Personally, I'm a big believer that if I couldn't maintain a healthy relationship with one partner AND I am unwilling to work on it with them, I have no business continuing to neglect that person while I start a new relationship with someone else. Under those conditions its pretty easy to understand how you're feeling.

How invested in this person are you beyond your emotional ties?
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  #12  
Old 01-27-2013, 07:20 PM
katja24 katja24 is offline
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FarFromMrRight: I appreciate your candid feedback. I, however, do not see myself as clingy and I honestly do not think I give J the heebie-jeebies. Since discussing all of this with J, he understands the specific behavior I am desiring more of (sensual touch) and we have negotiated around this: we will have a monthly date where we do this intentionally, and any other desires I have for it, I will seek out in other relationships of mine. This need (sensual touch) is one that is very important to me to have at least sometimes within my primary partnership, although I am very willing to seek it out with others. I do not rely on J for all of my emotional needs, and I definitely don't expect him to give me everything. I really do appreciate your candid feedback, because it has given me a chance to articulate all of the above.

nycindie: I have read and re-read your post a few times, and have now swallowed it I think you are right that I had become a bit complacent with that realization of mine (that I have insecure-attachment patterns). I do want to transcend it, very much... I think I feel a little stuck with how to, especially because I am not even aware of conscious internal dialogue that says "oh no, he's leaving you!" or other similar things. I know I have fears like that come up in very specific situations, and I am able to critically examine them at those times. But thank you so much for your post and for pointing that out; it feels like a critical piece of feedback to have for my self-growth. Thank you!!

Vinccenzo: Thank you for understanding my difficulties and being sympathetic to them. To be fair to J, while this need has festered for years, it was only in the past couple of months that I really started to identify and verbalize it. And like I mentioned above in my response to FarFromMrRight, we have negotiated about the need and I am hopeful that it will help. How invested am I in him? Pretty darn invested Beyond emotional ties, we are not financially or legally tied to each other. Because it has been more on my end of not speaking up until recently, I want to make sure we work adequately on this before I would even consider not working on it together (it's not like he has been unwilling or ignoring my requests and needs for years; he's been trying to listen to me and understand as best he can in the past couple of months). He is an understanding and intelligent person, and does understand that I want sensual touch and presence with my primary partner. I am confident that we will work together around this. :-)
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  #13  
Old 02-06-2013, 04:43 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by katja24 View Post
nycindie: I have read and re-read your post a few times, and have now swallowed it I think you are right that I had become a bit complacent with that realization of mine (that I have insecure-attachment patterns). I do want to transcend it, very much... I think I feel a little stuck with how to, especially because I am not even aware of conscious internal dialogue that says "oh no, he's leaving you!" or other similar things. I know I have fears like that come up in very specific situations, and I am able to critically examine them at those times. But thank you so much for your post and for pointing that out; it feels like a critical piece of feedback to have for my self-growth. Thank you!!
You're welcome. Here is how you take the first steps toward transforming the patterns of thought that keep you stuck: just give yourself some homework - and the homework is to notice such thoughts. That's all. You don't have to do anything about them except pay attention. You may find yourself wrapped up in some mental wrangling and then remember that your assignment is to notice your thoughts -so you mentally step back and review what just came to your mind. And if and when you notice a thought like, "He doesn't want me," or some such sentiment, just acknowledge it. "Oh, there's that thought again."

Don't judge the thought as negative, nor yourself for thinking it, and don't tell yourself you should get rid of that thought. Eventually it will come up again - because our minds are machines, you see, and it's like we have a built-in program that replays all our thoughts over and over again, and even replays the thoughts of the people around us because we, as human beings, are very perceptive.

Anyway, eventually, you recognize your thought pattern ("Oh, there's that thought again") but by simply recognizing it, it no longer has power over you. By recognizing it as simply a pattern in your mind/bio-computer, you now have a choice you didn't have before when you couldn't see those thoughts floating in. And the choice you have is basically whether to follow that pattern like you always did, and pay credence to it (or indulge), which gives it substance and power and puts you at its mercy OR letting it go and getting engaged in something else instead of the mental anguish. Get to work on a project on your desk, do something fun, masturbate, turn your face to the sun and feel its warmth, pet a dog, anything! Just letting your thoughts be, without judging them, and then engaging in your life ... is the key to getting free.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-06-2013 at 04:47 AM.
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