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  #21  
Old 01-25-2013, 12:08 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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If you are fine with erotica, there is a website called literotica that he could go to that has plenty to pick from and is free. Of course there is everything, good and bad, but there are lots of categories that could help him figure out what he likes.

There are also numerous books, when I worked in a bookstore we had a huge section of erotica targeted at females, and another huge section of erotica targeted at males (with very little crossover as to who bought which), so I know there is plenty for him to pick from, even in specific genres or subcategories. And of course there are electronic books as well which he could read on an iPad if he doesn't have a book reader.

Since you're not limiting his porn consumption completely, only limiting his video porn, but okay with the written form, I think he'd have less reason to go behind your back. Males tend to be more visual, but if he can also get image porn (as in, pictures) he should be fine for now I guess.
I think often with these things it's pointless to try and ban them, but if you're merely trying to redirect it, it might be doable.
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  #22  
Old 01-25-2013, 02:41 AM
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BrigidsDaughter BrigidsDaughter is offline
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I've kinda gotten over the fact that my baby isn't my baby anymore. I'm sure I will get hit with it again when he starts dating. My son recently got a computer, but he's limited to 2 hrs a day and has to wait until we get home to get on it. The computer is also in the livingroom because he'd be up all night watching youtube Minecraft videos if we let him.

As for relationship styles, I guess I'm not so much of a traditionalist in my teaching. I've told him that you want to wait to start having kids until after you're done with school and have a job. He knows he was born when I was in college and Runic Wolf was in the Army and how hard it was for me to finish my degree because I couldn't go full time.

My brother never married my nephew's mother and they separated several years ago; he now cohabitates with his new girlfriend and her 3 kids and has my nephew on weekends; my nephew was born when my brother was 17. My middle brother was married and divorced before he was 21 b/c his wife cheated and got knocked up while she was waiting for her orders to be stationed in Japan with him. One of my two sisters had my niece a month after she turned 18, 2 weeks after high school graduation. The father has since decided he didn't want to be an adult after all and left her a month before their wedding day last year. My youngest sister is pregnant; her boyfriend already has a 5 year old. And my parents separated when I was 1, married other people, got back together when I was 24 and marred last summer when I was 30. So my son has been exposed to many different ways that a family comes to be. We've told him that there is no right or wrong way and that families are what you make.
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  #23  
Old 01-25-2013, 05:32 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BrigidsDaughter View Post
The computer is also in the livingroom because he'd be up all night watching youtube Minecraft videos if we let him.
I know, REALLY? These boys are Minecraft junkies. Simple graphics, no guns ... and they are completely obsessed with it. I have to confiscate the laptops and game stations at night (and all day during the school week).

Opps! Sorry, completely off topic.
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  #24  
Old 01-25-2013, 06:10 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Minecraft! Minecraft! Minecraft! It's all I hear!
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  #25  
Old 01-25-2013, 06:37 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Minecraft is so much fun! I was completely addicted to it over Christmas. There is "violence" in that you kill zombies and other bad guys with swords and arrows, but the graphics are so atrocious that it's really not "graphic violence" like Call of Duty. More importantly, it encourages creative thought through building and crafting. And hey, it's only like $25, one-time fee. How many video games can you think of for that price?? There are some good servers, which encourages cooperation to build really big, intricate worlds. World of Fantasia is mostly younger crowd, and it's heavily moderated. WOF requires children under 13 to have their parents sign a permission slip of sorts, which is good.

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Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
Here's what happened. He has his own iPad with no child lock. He's a good self-editor so I didn't think of it. He grabbed the iPad from me - was hiding. He had googled porn out of curiosity and then got "stuck" he called it "addicted" He said he felt horrible about lying. He said I had "released him from a coma."
I would be exploring this from the point of whether he felt worse about the lying, or whether it was the graphic porn itself that made him feel that way.

I have to admit, there are some horrible things (non-porn) on the internet that I've gotten sucked into before realizing how it was affecting me. It's an important skill to realize where that line is drawn, and it's a personal line. In some ways, it's good that he crossed it, because that gives you the opportunity to discuss it with him in a supportive, non-punitive way. Let it encourage him to realize that he doesn't have to hide things from you and that you are here to help him through those confusing things.

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For me, porn is complex : very anti-feminist (very very) and violent in many ways. I see it as very different from girlie magazines or erotica.
Two comments here. First, "girlie magazines" ARE porn, assuming we're talking about the same thing (playboy?). Second, I agree that the vast majority of porn is anti-feminist and violent. There is, however, a handful of feminist porn companies. They make sex-positive, female-positive porn videos, usually geared towards couples. They remove the violence and the objectification. They replace it with love, sensuality, and self-expression through sex.

Here's a good list to get you started: http://www.feministe.us/blog/archive...d-getting-off/
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Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-25-2013 at 06:41 PM.
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  #26  
Old 01-26-2013, 10:40 AM
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Helo Helo is offline
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I remember reading an interview years ago with a woman who'd been in porn for a while. She was asked if being a porn performer was degrading or if she felt exploited at all. She replied that the job she had where she felt least valued and most exploited and degraded was a waitress.
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  #27  
Old 01-26-2013, 01:59 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I can believe that. It's amazing how badly some people treat waitresses, or cashiers, etc. A porn actor would only be dealing in person with other actors, and with the rest of the team. Not with the people using the porn.
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  #28  
Old 01-27-2013, 09:19 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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That reminds me of another quip, something about the best way to see what someone is really like is to look at how they treat waitresses and other service industry people. Someone can be as sweet as charming as they want, but you start snapping your fingers at the waitress... well, I'll finish dinner first, but then I'm sticking you with the bill and ignoring your emails.
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  #29  
Old 01-28-2013, 04:29 AM
saintvlas22 saintvlas22 is offline
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I must admit, everyone's experience here is vastly different from my own. Being sexually aware at 10 years old is baffling, as in my neck of the woods, we didn't start dating seriously until after high school. There were a few kids who had boyfriends/girlfriends during high school, but they were more buddies who kissed more than anything else. We saw that as kinda odd, really - probably because most of us weren't in the mindset of having sex and being intimate with another person.

I remember being confused at teen movies, about the stereotype of teenagers having sex on their minds 24/7. In our school, we just didn't bother with it. That's not to say it wasn't present. We had sex-ed (with the condom-banana demonstration and everything), watched the videos, studied the flash cards of STDs, and of course made the dirty jokes. We were aware of it, the ramifications, the pleasures, everything - we just didn't concern ourselves with it. We also had a version of sex-ed in the second grade, that didn't really talk about sex, but dealt with anatomy. We were taught the medical names of genitalia, and the main lesson was that if anyone tried to touch you there, you could specifically identify that this person had touched the scrotum/vulva/breasts/anus. We tittered about it as 7 year olds, but looking back, I think that was very empowering and I love that no parents had an issue with it.

That's not to say there we didn't have sexual peers. There was a boy who was having active sex at 13, which really threw us seventh graders off, and a couple high school girls that were pregnant. Also, there were girls who dated older boys and were more mature and experienced about sex.

It's interesting to see other views, but my point is that most of my peers and myself would have been grossed out about being actively encouraged about sex at 10 years old in the fourth grade. Not because of shame or conditioning, but because we personally weren't ready for it yet. We had the knowledge, and generally knew it was okay, but we didn't think about it seriously until much later. If YOUR 10 year old can handle it, and is actively curious, of course talk to them more explicitly about it. Otherwise, though, I think it can be left off for a while, with just the essentials birds and the bees.
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  #30  
Old 01-28-2013, 09:01 AM
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Velvet Velvet is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post
......
I guess THAT's what I'm really struggling with. Do people in open relationship[s expect/teach their kids to have that too?
I'm not a parent but I wanted to comment. I think honesty really is the best policy when it comes to a parent teaching their child.

If you have some set rules that something like porn isn't allowed, then try to come up with a plan with your son on how that plan can be followed through. What happens if his friend at school brings a porno out? I just think if he is part of the planning process in how to meet expectations that are set for him you can empower him to be self responsible for his own actions. Don't focus on that he lied to you or has hidden things from you. Figure out with him how that not happen in the future. And what he needs from you to make that happen.

Your own relationship(s) and actions are a model for your son, even if you try to keep some things private how you act is always an example for him. You can be honest that the type of relationship you were taught growing up isn't how your life turned out...or even how you think you wanted to turn out. Instead of trying to tell him which path to take, help him be able to educate himself and empower himself when he encounters all the possiblities of any kind of mature topic. Relationship-Share someone said (I'm on a mobile device or I'd go back and quote them, sorry). Because there is your own experience of your body and sexuality and then there is sharing that with someone else. You had to experience that yourself choosing a Poly lifestyle to meet your needs, which means you had to teach yourself along the way, just as your son will have to teach himself.

Most of my experience mentoring youth come from people 13-18 at a local youth center. Usually I get to see the end product of a teenager who had no support from their parents, or were afraid/uncomfortable talking with their parents.
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