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  #141  
Old 02-11-2013, 05:47 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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nyc, I honestly don't think that nondy's comments were directed at you. I actually thought they were directed at me as much as anyone, as I also have not birthed any children, although I've been around for raising several and considered myself in a "parental role" for at least two of them. Others seemed to share that opinion since they were coming to my defence.

My step-daughter was 13 when I met her, so I wasn't about to come in and be all like "Hi, I'm your new mom." I tried to be more of a friend than a parent, frankly, because I figured that was the way she'd accept me most. But despite that, she's often come to me for advice about things that her own mom wouldn't talk about. She's told me that the reason she likes talking to me about stuff is that I don't tell her what to do. I tell her what I would do, and then acknowledge that the ultimate decision is hers and she's the one who will have to live with the consequences.
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  #142  
Old 02-11-2013, 08:49 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ThatGirlInGray View Post
And we're just strangers on the internet, remember? It's not worth getting upset about.
Exactly! That's why I was surprised to find so many posts referencing me in them as if someone was upset over something I said, when I thought my part of the convo was done and resolved. It isn't anything to get worked up about, and I'm certainly not upset, but I am puzzled 'cause it doesn't make sense to me. There's a difference between asking "what the fuck" and being upset (duh). It takes lots more than words on a forum to upset me, heh. An eviction notice on my door, now that's upsetting, believe me! Coming back to this thread is just wasting time when I've got insomnia.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
nyc, I honestly don't think that nondy's comments were directed at you. I actually thought they were directed at me as much as anyone . . .
Uh yeah, this thread got pretty convoluted and confusing over the last day and a half.
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Last edited by nycindie; 02-11-2013 at 08:57 AM.
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  #143  
Old 02-11-2013, 01:42 PM
nondy2 nondy2 is offline
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Hi NY- my comments were ABSOLUTELY NOT directed at you. I appreciate your comment and am sorry I didn't acknowledge it.

SC: This comment was also not directed at you. That would be stupid! You have a step daughter...I did think your comment about someone thinking it's up to other people (trans people) to educate children versus their parents was way off base. As a person with a disability, I have had to deal with that shit all my life because parents (and other people) do not acknowledge disability as a minority.

I need some clarification to go on on the board. Is prejudice allowed here? I feel that there have been very prejudicial things about people with disabilities said here and I have been accused of pushing an agenda. I absolutely DO NOT MEAN TO..I just want CLARIFICATION.So, if people say something like being gay or trans or black would be my worse nightmare that would be OK and considered an opinion? We are allowed to use fag or nigger? Only is the person of that orientation uses it first?

What about liar and cheater? I noticed in the discussions there is not empathy for people who cheat or lie..so if someone lies ONCe it's ok to a label them a lier?

Honestly, I thought the board was supposed to be safe for people of genders -ect, but it seems that prejudice is merely put in the category of '"opinion" and speaking to it is "pushing an adenda.
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  #144  
Old 02-12-2013, 02:20 AM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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I think everyone is entitled to what their own worst nightmare would be. It's going to be different for everyone. Saying a group as a whole is bad or less than is something else entirely and I think that's where it crosses a line. We all have things in our lives that people would think would be a worst nightmare kind of life. As long as you're happy with your own life it really shouldn't matter.
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  #145  
Old 02-14-2013, 03:20 AM
Rhaenes Rhaenes is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Smoking and doing coke are not natural parts of human experience. They are not something nearly everyone will inevitably do at some point in their life. It's possible to explain coke and smoking in a "these things are terrible and you should never ever do them" way, which you cannot do with sex.

Smoking and doing coke are, inherently, always harmful and stupid. Sex is not inherently harmful and stupid. If your child feels sexual, then telling him he's too young to have those feelings will make him feel guilty, like there's something wrong with him. It will plant the seed that those feelings are dirty and that he should repress them. Do you have any idea what kind of psychological damage that will cause him for years to come, possibly the rest of his life?
I haven't read till the end of this thread, so I'm not certain if anyone remembers this point in the conversation, but I had to react to this psycological damage point...

As someone who is still quite young (I'm 18 and only just left home for uni) I completely agree with this post. I was raised in a very conservative family, where we NEVER talked about sex, in any way, shape, or form, besides "don't do it, it's bad, you can get pregnant." I learned about the technicalities of sex through sex ed in middle school, which basically consisted of a million different scare tactics from videos of childbirth to disgusting pictures of STDs, all reinforcing the idea that sex was dirty, bad, and dangerous.

I met BoyF when I was just 14 and started dating him a few months later, right after turning 15. I was extremely uncomfortable with my sexuality and sex, and had had an exciting but simultaneously shaming kiss with a girl at camp, which I was so convinced was wrong that I buried it deeply, causing only more tension in my attitude towards sex and sexuality. Gays were a joke in my family, and I barely thought about lesbians or bisexuals. BoyF and I, being obviously quite hyped-up with hormones and teenage excitement, began enthusiastically exploring our sexuality with each other, at a pace that was comfortable and wanted by both of us, in what I think was an extremely healthy way for two teenagers....

Until several months into our relationship, several after we had realized we were in love with each other, when my father found a private letter I had written to BoyF in which I stated that I wanted to "make love," and proceeded to talk about all the things we had done and why I loved doing them. I wasn't even specifically talking about having sex, but the memory of my parents confronting me, yelling at me, telling me I had to stop doing those things, telling me I had to take things slower with BoyF so I could enjoy it, telling me they understood my urges but I needed to repress them (which is horribly, horribly hypocritical), and so on... they weren't even terribly hurtful things to say, yet I still feel that pain sitting here, though it was nearly 3 years ago.

From then on a reluctance to sex built up in me, and a constant, pervasive nervousness that made it impossible for me to enjoy sex, have sex in a truly emotional and intimate way, even to climax... I lost my virginity to BoyF after 8 months together, when it felt right for both of us and I knew I loved him enough to not regret it even if we weren't together forever; but throughout our sex life, the times when I was truly relaxed and enjoying myself were few and far between. At times when I should have been bonding and getting to understand my body, I felt wracked with guilt and confusion, my mind a constant battle between what I felt and what I was told I should feel.

I felt these feelings of guilt until I left home and came to university - I was a senior in high school, I was in a wonderful, long-term relationship with a man who was good to me, clean, and sexy to boot. We used condoms, I was on the pill, I was making big, important decisions about the rest of my life, I was practically an adult, yet I couldn't do exactly what I wanted to do with my own body, because of the shock and the repeated mantra of "don't have sex, sex is bad."

I'm now 18, and a college student, living on my own, and it took 3 years and a hell of a lot of distance for me to finally embrace my bisexuality and to FINALLY relax enough to have sex for myself, without feeling a shred of irrational guilt, safely and enjoyably... and would you look at that, I'm not dead or pregnant or riddled with STDS. I am, however, angry and upset that I spent 3 years of what should have been & could have been a much more fulfilling relationship constantly riddled with guilt and fear, unable to relax sexually and consequentially unable to relax and open up emotionally to my partner.

I repeat what SchrodingersCat said: DO NOT DO THIS TO YOUR CHILD. PLEASE. I hope it maybe helps to get the perspective of someone who was really affected by this in the recent past.
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  #146  
Old 02-14-2013, 08:44 PM
AutumnalTone AutumnalTone is offline
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Originally Posted by nondy2 View Post

I need some clarification to go on on the board. Is prejudice allowed here? I feel that there have been very prejudicial things about people with disabilities said here....
In your opinion.

A friend of mine from high school, a fabulous professional musician, has lost his hearing through part of the range of human capability. Anything pitched higher than a middle C is lost to him, as his ears just don't respond.

Is it prejudicial against deaf people for musicians to posit that among their worst nightmares are scenarios that involve going deaf? I suspect it would be difficult for anybody to maintain that is the case.

Likewise, visual artists can (and many do) posit that a loss of vision is among their worst nightmares. Does that indicate a prejudice against blind people? No.

I am both a trained musician and visual artist. Numbered among my worst nightmares are scenarios wherein I go blind or deaf. Can anybody reasonably say I'm prejudiced against blind or deaf folk? No.

As I'm a drummer, I also have nightmare scenarios that involve losing the use of my hands. Somehow, I'm supposed to be prejudiced against physically disabled folks because I find the thought nightmarish that I might lose my physical capabilities to play my drums? I think not.

On the flip side of this coin, I also have a disability. I'm not the slightest bit bothered on those occasions where it comes up in a discussion and somebody says they'd absolutely hate to have to deal with it. Given a choice, I wouldn't deal with it and I can certainly understand why others are happy they don't have to.

And I certainly don't think they're prejudiced against me because they're happy they don't have it. There's not a scrap of evidence to support that notion.
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  #147  
Old 02-15-2013, 12:18 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Why is it that if you're proud of what you are, and what you are happens to be the minority, then you you have [_____] Pride? But if you're proud of what you are, and what you are happens to be the majority, then you're prejudiced, racist, sexist, ableist, homophobic, etc?

There's a difference between being proud of what you are and wanting to be keep being what you are, and being prejudiced and discriminatory against people who are different. I do not want to be a man, but that doesn't mean I have anything against men. It just means I like being a woman.

I think it's ignorant of black people to use the word "nigger" and homosexuals to use the word "fag" and disabled people to use the word "cripple" and not expect people to follow suit. Using a word tells people that the word is acceptable.

I've always hated when parents call swears "Grown-up words," as if they're any less crass or vulgar just because the person using it actually should know better. Every parent knows: if you don't want your kids to swear, don't swear around your kids. The same rule to minorities: if you don't want other people to use discriminatory language, don't fucking use discriminatory language around other people. Think of strangers as kids. For all you know, BoringGuy has autism and he uses cues from other people to define acceptable social behaviour.

Either a word is OK, or it's not OK. It can't be OK for some people but not others. What do we call it when one person is allowed to do something and other people are not? DISCRIMINATION.

I stay away from words like fag, nigger, and cripple, because not every black person, homosexual, or disabled person approves of their use, and I'm none of those. You should be aware that even if you are disabled, another disabled person could still find that term incredibly offensive. The fact that you have the same disability won't make them feel any less offended than you feel when enabled people use it. When I use the word "cunt," I know full-well that lots of women will be right offended, I just don't care. So if you don't care that other disabled people will be offended when you use the word "cripple," go ahead and keep on using it. Just remember that doing so surrenders your right to be offended by it.
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