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Old 09-11-2010, 04:06 PM
Bubblegum Bubblegum is offline
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Default Looking for a few words of wisdom

Hey there everyone,

I was doing some research and was looking for guidance. Recently, my husband and I (we are both men (G+G) and just got married last month but have been together for 8 years) recently we met another man (A) that we both have strong feelings for. It began as just sex but now it's becoming more than that. The thing we have found surprising is how natural and "not weird" the situation seems to be for the three of us. But it's been 2 months now and I now starting to become aware of problems that will arise in the future. We are all in our twenties (I'm actually the youngest) but (A) has never been in a relationship before and this is his first. Now that is a wonderful thing but obviously this type of arrangement is not socially acceptable yet and my husband and I are beginning to become concerned as he is getting excited and wants to tell everyone (because that is what you do when you first go out with someone you want to tell the world). We are going to talk about this but we are worried we are taking away from an experience that he is entitled to go through. On the other hand, since me and the husband have been together for such a long time we have a very established relationship and our families would never understand this. So, if he was to tell his family and such and they were understanding we don't think we would give that in return. Friends we don't mind telling and have done so but honestly the response has not been postive. Most people see our situation in the light that because we are married - we are taking advantage and using (A). I have thought about this and our intentions and I can honstly say that isn't the case because I'm worried about him and feelings and if it was just a case using him I wouldn't be concerned with this. On one hand I feel maybe we should do the responsible thing and stop this for his sake but on the other, it feels amazing and we don't want to get hurt ourselves.

I was just wondering if anyone had been in a similar cirumstance and maybe have some words of wisdom.

Cheers xx
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  #2  
Old 09-11-2010, 04:20 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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There is a gentleman on here who goes by the name of "River", who we call on for situations like yours (two guys who want to add a third guy to their dynamic). Unfortunately, he does not log on very often these days. I went ahead and did a username-search on his posts:

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/searc...searchid=55091

You can check his profile and experiment with doing your own searches to narrow down the field, or better yet, send him a PM and he will probably get an email saying that he has a private message on here. I know he would be happy to communicate with you and try to help you answer some of your questions.

I'll send him a message on Fakebook letting him know about this thread.
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Old 09-11-2010, 04:28 PM
ebonyfemme ebonyfemme is offline
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Dear Bubblegum,

I am lesbian and new. I have no words of wisdom. But, I am touched with the tenderness and caring I hear in your words.

I usually socialize with non-drinkers, intellectuals and individuals in organized religion. I consider them to be great people. But, I have never heard this level of concern about someone else's sexual feelings.

With such tenderness and care, I find it hard to believe that you are using anyone.

I always hear gay men complain that ONE man will sleep with them for the night and they are hurt because the man only wanted a one night stand. I personally feel what you and your husband are doing is more loving. I have always felt gay men set the standard for healthy SEXUAL relationships.

I am trying to find lesbians open to even discuss this idea. Did you know there are a LGBT polyamory group on this website. I have limited computer skills. So, I can't direct you. Oh, yes. I remember. LOOK UNDER COMMUNITY ABOVE THIS RESPOND IN THE BLUE BAND AND WHITE BORDER.

Best of luck to all of you.
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Old 09-11-2010, 06:11 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I decided early on that the people who accepted me for who I am are the people I will hand around. So there are some family members that disapprove of me, so I stopped hanging around them. Friends tend to be more accpeting, but those that are uncomfortable tend to drift away. In the end, I have a network of people who I don't have to worry about judging me.

I say that you should follow your heart.
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  #5  
Old 09-11-2010, 07:12 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ebonyfemme View Post
I am trying to find lesbians open to even discuss this idea. Did you know there are a LGBT polyamory group on this website. I have limited computer skills. So, I can't direct you. Oh, yes. I remember. LOOK UNDER COMMUNITY ABOVE THIS RESPOND IN THE BLUE BAND AND WHITE BORDER.
I think that the OP is not lesbian... I'm not sure why the reference to LGBT groups... ? confused

Anyway Bubblegum, I think your man has a case of NRE, new relationship energy. I suggest a tag search on this as there is much written here on the topic.

We came out as a similar vee before we were ready but out of necessity as my mum thought my child was being abused by my boyfriend. She thought that was his interest in our family. We were hoping to wait until our NRE had settled down and we were ready to be strong enough a vee to show that we were okay and that our lifestyle was okay. Everything is good now and no one around us, after 18 months and Mono moving in next month can say that they see anything else but the right thing for us.

We took our time, paced ourselves and showed through example that we were doing what was right for all of us... it took A LOT OF WORK! Don't under estimate that point.

My red flag with your story is that this man is experiencing his first relationship. Of course he should want to celebrate that! I would wonder if you have all talked about what your plan is. What does he want from his relationship life? What do the two of you who are married now want? How do those aspirations fit together?

I would be asking:
Do we want to have kids?
Will the unmarried man be able to have other loves?
Does he foresee wanting that in the future?
Do you want to live together at some point?
When and under what circumstance would he be able to show off his love for you?

There is lots to talk about before coming out to everyone.. good luck.
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:23 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I think that the OP is not lesbian... I'm not sure why the reference to LGBT groups... ? confused

That would be the G in LGBT, Redpepper!

Congrats on finding a young lover you and your partner can share. My gf, when she presented as male, was in a triad with 2 older gay men and she looks back on those years with them fondly. (when she began to ID as female, the relationship ended, but they are all still friends andone of the older men especially is a great mentor for her to this day.)

Are you afraid he is or will be seen as a twink being used for sexual purposes only? This does happen of course, but seeing the 3 of you together, how you treat each other, in public, will show your friends there is real affection and caring, and not a non-consensual power dynamic.

As for coming out, and what you tell others about your relationship, I think RP had some good ideas.
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Old 09-11-2010, 07:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
That would be the G in LGBT, Redpepper!
Oh right! didn't catch that the two men were involved... sorry. got it now. carry on. (now I get why Neon was directing to rivers threads.... duhhhh)
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  #8  
Old 09-14-2010, 04:40 PM
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River River is offline
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Howdy! I'm the River mentioned by NeonKaos in post # 2. (Thanks, NK.)

Bubblegum,

My advice is the same as another poster here, above: Follow your heart. If your husband and you both love this other man--Well, how great is that?! And he loves you, too? My gawd, you'd be a danged fool to do less than count your many lucky stars and fully include him in your life. As for friends and family? You've come out of one closet already and know the drill. Now come out of this other one -- proudly and with courage. All of ya need to do that. There's nothing to be guilty or ashamed about, right?! So why cower in the poly closet? Come out, come out, wherever (or whoever) you are.

Is coming out poly difficult? Probably. But so what? We all need challenges worthy of our souls -- and gifts like this to give to others. That's right. It's a gift to give to the world when you come out and lovingly, honestly, couragiously shine. Think of yourself as a pioneer. The world needs us! Needs you. So go for it. Be publically real. Be yourselves. Dare to be authentic. Shine on you crazy diamond!
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Old 09-15-2010, 08:10 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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HI Bubblegum,

I admire River's response but might just add one note.

Unless you are a 'crusader' (all) by nature and your circumstances allow you to suffer the blows that may come, I suggest just using some good logic to weigh the risks & benefits.

In the end, you all know what you mean to each other (I hope) and the rest of the world be damned. The objective has to be to build the most genuine and happy life together. Keeping that in mind hopefully will help guide you.


Good luck !

GS
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Old 09-16-2010, 03:28 AM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Oh right! didn't catch that the two men were involved... sorry. got it now. carry on. (now I get why Neon was directing to rivers threads.... duhhhh)
Actually, there are three men, all involved with each other

The married couple, who are both male, and A, who is also male.

Anyways, I can see why A would want to talk about you guys. And it would be hard for him to feel hidden. Maybe if you are open about it, people will accept it better? It seems to me when you try to hide a relationship, people assume you have reasons to hide it (as in, you "know it's wrong") and things like that.

Coming out can't be easy though (I mean polyamory-wise. I assume you already all came out about being into guys). I'm not out to my family either, or my husband's (although I never talk to my family, so being out to them is the least of my concerns). My boyfriend's mother knows though (he doesn't have a father). It's been much easier since he told her, as they live together, and now she can't wait to meet me (we in a long-distance relationship so I haven't met her yet, even though she lives with him).
Now he can talk about me and my husband (he's only involved with me though), and explain he has to go because he wants to call me, and she understands.

I'd be very careful about the situation, and since I don't know the people involved I can't tell you how they will react... But I think if you do come out, you should stress how you're being serious about it, and hopefully people will see that it's the case.
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