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  #21  
Old 02-10-2013, 07:42 PM
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StudentofLife StudentofLife is offline
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Talking This!

[QUOTE=kclynn;183771]

I had to reply. That is exactly how I am only you put it into words I can never seem to articulate to anyone. I too shut down. Let me be the one to hurt myself, rather than it be from someone that I love so much. [/]QUOTE]

This!

Now you have put something into words for me!

Part of having someone break your heart is the resentment, and anger toward them. That is very likely the part of the equation we are trying (in vain) to remove from the equation. Perhaps to us cold feels safer than angry or in pain.
Maybe we are Vulcans, left here by accident in a strange time-travel screwup?

Anyway, thanks for the thought. Might you have another two cents to contribute to the Conversation Fund?
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  #22  
Old 02-10-2013, 08:03 PM
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Talking This!

Quote:
Originally Posted by kclynn View Post

I had to reply. That is exactly how I am only you put it into words I can never seem to articulate to anyone. I too shut down. Let me be the one to hurt myself, rather than it be from someone that I love so much.
This!

Now you have put something into words for me!

Part of having someone break your heart is the resentment, and anger toward them. That is very likely the chunk of the equation we are trying (in vain) to remove from the equation. Perhaps to us cold feels safer than angry or in pain.
Maybe we are Vulcans, left here by accident in a strange time-travel screwup?

Anyway, thanks for the thought. Might you have another two cents to contribute to the Conversation Fund?
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  #23  
Old 02-12-2013, 11:02 PM
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Agh! A double post. How awkward. :-(
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  #24  
Old 02-12-2013, 11:20 PM
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Default What do I want?

I started trying to imagine my ideal pen relationship. I so don't want it to sound foolish, and unrealistic, and yet....why can't I dream a little? Enjoy the journey, and look forward to what good things might come, before reality brings me back to earth.

As Pidge and I have always imagined him, T.S.G. is an awesome fellow. We call him that because in our very first conversations, we decided he'd be someone we loved so much we didn't mind when he left the seat up, and we fell in the bowl in the dark of night. At first, he was FitzChivalry from the Robin Hobb novels. He's also been Avery Brooks, the actor from Deep Space Nine. Most of all, he's Sir Patrick Stewart, the most perfect human male currently alive (in my opinion.) Sometimes he is Alan Rickman (picture Col. Brandon, not Severus Snape)

In real life? He's roughly the same age we are. He's not a Republican, probably. He is articulate, literate, possibly musical or artistic. He loves to cook, he loves to eat. He loves pets, and gardening. He's mellow, gentle, and caring. He's honest, and introspective. Hopefully, he has raised children earlier in his life.
He's funny, maybe sarcastic at times, but able to play with words and ideas to amuse himself and us. He's tall, or tall-ish. He's not bony.

Too much to ask for? Maybe. But please note I tried very hard to not decide ahead of time how he feels, the degrees of emotion he has for each of us, or the way the dynamic flows between the three of us. So much has to wait until we meet him, hear his thoughts, find out what would work for him.

This daydreaming is a pleasant way to pass the time.
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  #25  
Old 02-16-2013, 09:08 PM
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Default Just move it already

After Pidge and I had the The Big Hairy Talk last weekend, we agreed that we’d set aside time each week for a check-in with each other. Yesterday I made the comment that we had to have another talk, meaning it had been almost a week. You should have seen her--her eyes were like saucers full of panic, her face turned a lovely shade of celadon, and she started swallowing convulsively, as though she were being forced to eat lima beans. She may have wet herself slightly, but I didn’t want to ask.

I reassured her it was just a check in, then we joked about having to struggle to find a topic. Eventually, we ended up discussing a lot of things; logistics, dating, being an abuse survivor, compersion, sexual histories. It was a truly good, relaxed talk with no stress attached.

Then she left for work, and I lost my mind. No other way to look at it, and what’s even worse, I did it to myself. I chose to start fixating on the past, I chose to read old letters that renewed the bad feelings, I chose to get angry and upset all over again. Why?

Then, to top it off, I started to make the crazy contagious by texting her about how upset I was. Because, you know…when she’s moving around three dozen 40’ long buses is a good time to stress the girl out. I’m the Master Of Good Timing. I suggested options for resolving my lingering doubts. She reminded me gently that we had already talked about that, and why we’d decided it wouldn’t work. I flailed and floundered and freaked a bit more, then it passed and I was okay again. Truly, a prime example of WTF??

I was left with some ugly questions. Why can’t I get over this? Why can’t I move on? When it feels like I have moved on, why do I choose to rush back into the bad stuff? What do I gain by acting this way?

Right now there is a pedal car in our dining room. My daughter is in the middle of restoring it. It’s half done, can’t get wet by going back outside, and we have no real place to store it. So it sits on the floor, and everyone walks around it, trips over it, runs it into the table leg, but until she’s done the work it will sit there, in the way. This feels like the same thing. I have this problem. It trips me up, I keep running into it, it hinders the smooth operation of my life. And yet, until I do the work to fix it once and for all….I have nowhere else to put it. And every time I pull it out to work on it, I’m stuck. It hurts just about as much as it did when it first happened. I can’t figure out what the issue is…not knowing enough? Knowing too much? Not being able to forgive? Not being able to rebuild trust? All I know for sure is that we’re both tired of tripping over it.

On the good side, in real life, my large black and white cat has taken to getting in the pedal car and sitting inside as though he were preparing to go for a nice Sunday drive. The other cats wander around next to the car, envious, while he sits proudly in the driver’s seat. Makes us all laugh every time.
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  #26  
Old 02-17-2013, 10:32 PM
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Default The Second Half

Lately, I've had this idea running in my head that the second half of my life may turn out to be nothing more than correcting all the crazy side paths I wandered down in the first half.

First half of my life was spent doing the straight, monogamous expected thing: get married, have a child, buy a house, live as society expected me to live. Don't get me wrong, I love my daughter with all my heart. But the husband--gone. The house--sold.

Now I am bisexual, with a woman, and open to exploring a non-monogamous relationship model with her. I'll never be married again. Never have another child. Never be straight.

By the time I have all of this figured out I'll be old. Just when I have the answers, the question will change to which retirement home will suit me best. Sigh.
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  #27  
Old 02-18-2013, 12:36 AM
kclynn kclynn is offline
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Default

I love this entry. It is how I am feeling now in my life. So many missed opportunities, so many life mistakes. How do I go about living the rest of my life authentically? For myself? Instead of for and through others? Yeah, I have answers either.
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  #28  
Old 02-18-2013, 02:06 AM
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Default Hey kc

Maybe for us it's a glass half full/half empty thing.

Yes, we spent a long time exploring paths that didn't go where we want to be. It's so easy for that to feel like wasted time. Half empty?

But we still have time left to try new things, learn new things, become more at ease with ourselves, and more honest with ourselves and others. Half full?

Six months ago, I joined a forum for people who were wigged out by their own sexual orientation. I had no idea exactly what I was. I wanted a label for myself. It was really hard. Now, I am totally comfortable saying to internet strangers, "yeah, I'm bisexual, currently with a woman, maybe both starting to date a guy." So change is happening, moving toward the truth of who I really am.

That makes the glass half-full, I guess, and not just that but full of something really good, like homemade lemonade, or vanilla chai ice tea. Yum.
I'm just really glad that I didn't get to the age of 70, and only then start asking myself these questions. Then the only thing in the glass would have been my false teeth.
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  #29  
Old 03-06-2013, 11:59 PM
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Default Just a vent

Today I saw that thread show back up again. You know the one, some newbie wanting a triad and suddenly finding themselves on the losing end of a conversation about Unicorns. Having been on the backside of that one myself at the beginning, it got me thinking.

There is no one on this board whom I know in Real Life. No one here who knows The Pidge either. Our reasons for wanting to meet a man who might be interested in forming three relationships with us (me+him, her+him, me+ her +him) are, as far as I can tell, somewhat unique. I have searched threads using every term I can think of to try and find anyone who has been in the same boat, and nothing turns up. I have turned to the one person on this forum who I consider the shining light of kindness and empathy, and shared my situation via private messaging, and he can't recall anything quite like it either. He did, however, reassure me that I am not a classic Unicorn Hunter.

So much of this story is not mine to tell. I have a partner, and that story is hers. It is very personal, and she has not given her permission for me to discuss it. For various reasons, some new people do not feel comfortable with the responses they receive when they first share their stories here. For many regular participants, the discomfort of those new people is a source of frustration. Sadly, my partner is intimidated by this forum, and does not choose to particpate. I can't fault her fears, but I also can't ignore the likelyhood this is the best possible resource I have available at this time.

I am frustrated too. I have a problem to solve, a job of work to do. I feel a desire to help someone I love with a problem decades old, and deeply painful. I would love to ask for help, for support. But I can't. I can't explain why I need help. I can't explain why I have found myself here, on this forum, trying to find solutions to a situation I did not create but want to help resolve. And I absolutely can't blame the lack of answers on anything but my inablity to share the details.

The stakes are high. I have absolutely no experience and no training to deal with any of this. All I have is determination, a willingness to help, a feeling that this is one of those things a decent, humane person pitches in to fix for someone they love. And a truly insane level of fear that somehow I won't be able to do what needs to be done, that somehow I might make things worse.
Some days life just confuses the hell out of me.

This was just a vent, and not a plea for action on anyone else's part--just wanted to make that clear.
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  #30  
Old 03-07-2013, 12:39 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by StudentofLife View Post
(me+him, her+him, me+ her +him)
Closed Triad

There is nothing wrong with wanting this, I'm sure many have said to themselves, that this would be the ideal situation. Then again, I still go to work on Friday morning after buying a lottery ticket. Of the successful closed Triads I've heard about, they got there gradually and without pushing any specific agenda from day one, feelings are not equal. I see a full Triad equal to winning the lottery.
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