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Old 01-31-2013, 07:36 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
I agree that just because a person decides something is irrelevant, it does not have to mean that person feels "threatened" by it. However, since this thread is posted in a public forum that allows open discussion and debate, anyone may write their ideas and respond to anything even if it is not relevant to the real-life issue(s) as experienced by the OP. In a thread like this, no one person "owns" the conversation, not even the person who started it. The reason it's like that here is because other people reading or participating might benefit from the "superfluous" content.

If an individual desires more control over the flow or direction of conversation, or wants to limit the scope of discussion to certain areas, it's suggested that they start a thread in LIfe Stories and Blogs. The environment in that sub-forum is more about "support" rather than about criticism and debate.

I said nothing about wanting more control over the conversation. Discuss what you want. My point, that I was hoping to make, was that people here post asking for input. Many of us offer our input. Now what we offer may not be helpful to them, but might be for someone else. Threads often take on a life of their own and start side conversations and get off track. Maybe even having several different conversations within them. Now, me personally, I offer my POV and my beliefs and input and it doesn't fit. For example, oh I don't know, I offer that I believe there is nothing wrong with monogamy and it's a valid relationship model if done right, just like poly, that on a scale of 1 to 10, I'm indifferent on which model you choose as is right for you, and the reply is something along the lines of "No I don't believe in monogamy or marriage. I have issues with it. I believe every one is autonomous, I am a relationship anarchist and that just does NOT fit in with my view and will not ever be my view on my current or future relationships." Then I will stop suggesting it. I actually, gasp and awe, respect your decision to have the relationship model you want. I do NOT feel the need to hammer home my own views. In my personal opinion, and it's only my personal opinion, the person that decides s/he is having too much fun constantly pushing out there their views, whether they have anything to do with what is being discussed or not, is the one that has security issues.

If that person wants to keep posting fine, doesn't mean it's useful. Not to anyone but that person. There are people that only see their POV to the point where they are going to tell you it, even after hearing it's not useful.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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Old 01-31-2013, 11:45 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Join Date: Feb 2010
Location: Canada
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Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
First of all, isn't it absolutely ridiculous how when someone disagrees or does not just automatically accept another's opinion they must feel insecure or threatened? Should I assume everyone who is disagreeing with poly is insecure about it? Same with sexuality? Come on, that was a childish move and you know it.
Why yes, that would be ridiculous... Thankfully, that's not at all what I said.

Originally Posted by Icewraithonyx View Post
Marcus, I'd agree that perhaps this discussion would be better served without your input.
One can disagree simply by saying "I respect your position, but I disagree with your opinion." That's entirely different from "I disagree with you. Please stop posting in my thread." Your husband made it perfectly clear that he would prefer Marcus to keep out of this conversation on the basis that his views do not align with those of your marriage. That's not at all the same as merely disagreeing.

I don't want to live in an absolutely ridiculous world where people are told not to express their opinions just because they differ from the majority's.

Originally Posted by Vixtoria View Post
I said nothing about wanting more control over the conversation. Discuss what you want.
No one said you did. But if you'd been listening to your husband, you'd know that he does not share your directive to "discuss whatever [we] want." He has issued a request that we only discuss opinions that align with the assumptions made by your marriage.

And therein lies the heart of the original issue. Your husband wants one thing (e.g. monogamy, Marcus' silence), and you disregard his desires and issue new directives. Are these two fluke examples, or is this a pattern in your relationship? Don't answer on here, just sit down together and think about it.

Maybe if the two of you spent less time criticizing and arguing with people on the internet and more time working together on communication and listening, you could begin to address the issue of the original topic.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
someone else putting you in a box is entirely different
from getting into a box yourself.

Last edited by SchrodingersCat; 01-31-2013 at 11:47 PM.
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Old 02-01-2013, 01:30 AM
Icewraithonyx Icewraithonyx is offline
Join Date: Mar 2010
Location: Michigan
Posts: 64

Ok, while I appreciate the length my question generated, I think it's getting off-topic because of my mistake.

When Marcus said:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
You realize that I can either stop posting on this thread about this or I can continue going back and forth with you guys with no results?
I agreed that he could absent himself from the conversation. This was not meant as an attempt to censor a differing opinion. Post what you will. In the future, I'll just disregard posts that are "obviously bunk".

Sorry I’ve been so quiet. It’s mostly your fault. You asked some very good questions about where do we go from here and it’s been a lot of thinking sorting stuff out. Still trying to get out of damage control mode and start figuring out what I want out of things. It’s much easier to say “This is screwed up” rather than saying “This is what I’d like it to be” and working to make that happen. We are working on rebuilding the trust from before. I think part of the problem was trying to establish boundaries and negotiate things at the beginning suffered from “NREtardation” so I got to the point where I just stopped trying and thought “I don’t care what she does, it’s her life.” We realized that’s a slow marital death and are working our way back from there. We’re trying to find a poly-friendly counselor in the area.

A train of thought similar to your post was one of the things that helped me try to accept polyamory. Health changes happen in marriages all the time, and I’d much rather Wife be polyamorous than have cancer or something. (Not calling polyamory cancer but it did help me put a non-monogamous marriage into perspective) I’m sorry you’re feeling suppressed. Like many people on here, I think monogamy and polyamory are both valid relationship types. But monogamy is the “default”, and most people don’t even know there’s another option until much later. As a mono husband, I admit it can feel scary but I was more afraid that denying Wife would result in a build-up of resentment until we divorced anyway.
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Old 02-01-2013, 01:35 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 6,348

Just wanted to know if you guys were doing ok. Glad to know you are sorting yourselves out and communicating better.

That's good to hear. Hope things continue to move forward in positive ways for you both!

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