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Old 06-12-2010, 08:54 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Default Jealousy in Social Situations

Hey its been a while since I have been on here! I am glow, I am in n a relationship with polyamorous man P for about 7 or 8 months now. I have some question regarding interactions durring social situations, how I should behave ect.

P has fooled around with a few girls (making out, having sex, flirting a lot ect) over these 8 months and always at parties that we both attend. It has been an uphill battle for me, because while jelousy occurs at times , it isnt really the main problem for me. When I see P making out with other girls. a feel a sudden urge to walk away, turn away or look around for someone I know (sometimes this means roaming aimlessly around parties alone.)I have social anxiety so this is not foreign to me. I respect P and want to allow him his space. I struggle with the feeling that when he is occupied by someone else, I suddenly feel a pressure to do the same. I dont think this is to distract myself (it could be though), it is certaintly not to spite him, or to "even out the playing feild", but simply because I feel really awkward and maybe even a little anxious. I feel anxious typically in social situations but I feel my anxiety spike when I am walking around a party and I see P kissing or flirting with a girl. I get this feeling of being unsure of what to do with myself.

I once saw something stunning. I saw P watching a girl who he was head over heels about at the time, I noticed she was kissing another man. When P saw this, he turned away and started flirting with a girl a few feet in the opposite direction. as I witnessed this I began to question if people become poly to distract themselves from jelousy.

what do you think of this? is it normal to experience this?
thanks loves

Glow
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Old 06-13-2010, 01:52 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Glow,

Welcome back - great to see you again.

What you're describing (feelings) aren't really unique to 'poly' - just maybe amplified a bit - or emphasized. And it's great that you noticed the exact discomfort in him. Because it's natural.

It's really just about the 'pairing' in a situation like this. There's a certain something in our brain that leads us to believe that if we arrive somewhere WITH someone that we will be interacting AS A PAIR. Of course, we all know, in a social situation that may or may not be the case all the time. So when inevitably the 'pair' gets separated and one has an interaction going and the other doesn't - bingo - brain doesn't know how to compute this. Seems to be breaking it's own rule ?

Some possible solutions ?................

Well, you already noted one. Don't inject yourself into what's happening between another pairing. Just move on and see what develops yourself.

Another is to just sit back, observe, and above all keep a big smile on your face ! If it's close enough quarters and he notices you he may well call you over to introduce you ! "Hey xxxx - this is my girlfriend Glow " ! And an interesting dynamic may come out there <wicked grin>.

But better yet, this is a great conversation for you and P to get into. Just a conversation about how a natural discomfort comes up when either of you end up odd-person-out. A good team would have a plan going in how to handle this in a better way than everyone for themselves. Maybe you guys can come up with such a plan ?

It's hard because every situation is unique. If an intense make-out session is in progress you obviously don't want to interrupt that. If it's just a conversation happening it may be fine to just wander in and introduce yourself.

If you two are attending parties and meeting others is a plan, and it's a party including people who are not poly aware or poly friendly it's not a pretty situation. Seems you almost have to go as singles ! Which I don't get the impression is part of your plan.

P is really putting himself in a delicate situation if he's hitting on other girls before acknowledging that he already has one GF (or more). He's liable to get his face slapped if the 'truth' comes out - especially if he's representing himself as 'available' when in fact that's only partially true !

Good luck Glow !

GS
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Old 06-13-2010, 02:04 PM
Quath Quath is offline
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I think poly people behave many different ways in social situations. Some are very comfortable hanging out with their lover's lovers. Some don't feel that way and choose to do something else. I think you should do that which makes you the most comfortable.

I sometimes start to second guess myself at parties. When that happens, I tend to overly analyze everything. When I see myself start to do that, i try to break out of it by going and doing something I haven't done before. I figure if I am in that state of mind, I should at least do something original so I can think about it later.
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Old 06-13-2010, 02:05 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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You don't HAVE to go to ALL those parties if you don't want to. I have a mild to moderate case of social anxiety too, and once I finally admitted to myself that I have a better time staying home, I have since been able to relax more when I DO go out (which admittedly is not as often as most people i know). However, I do not have the issue of my husband flirting/fooling around with random women, so I can see why you might want to go to keep yourself up to speed on his adventures. As long as you get something positive out of doing that, I guess it's about whatever works for you.
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Old 06-14-2010, 03:47 AM
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well, considering that when I get jealous it is usually about and unmet need... this would make sense to me that he would turn and flirt with someone else. He wanted to kiss her, so tried to find that in someone else... Do you feel that when you feel like you do when you see him kissing others at a party that it is because you have an unmet need in some way?
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Old 06-14-2010, 06:43 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hi Glow,

Welcome back - great to see you again.

What you're describing (feelings) aren't really unique to 'poly' - just maybe amplified a bit - or emphasized. And it's great that you noticed the exact discomfort in him. Because it's natural.

It's really just about the 'pairing' in a situation like this. There's a certain something in our brain that leads us to believe that if we arrive somewhere WITH someone that we will be interacting AS A PAIR. Of course, we all know, in a social situation that may or may not be the case all the time. So when inevitably the 'pair' gets separated and one has an interaction going and the other doesn't - bingo - brain doesn't know how to compute this. Seems to be breaking it's own rule ?

Some possible solutions ?................

Well, you already noted one. Don't inject yourself into what's happening between another pairing. Just move on and see what develops yourself.

Another is to just sit back, observe, and above all keep a big smile on your face ! If it's close enough quarters and he notices you he may well call you over to introduce you ! "Hey xxxx - this is my girlfriend Glow " ! And an interesting dynamic may come out there <wicked grin>.

But better yet, this is a great conversation for you and P to get into. Just a conversation about how a natural discomfort comes up when either of you end up odd-person-out. A good team would have a plan going in how to handle this in a better way than everyone for themselves. Maybe you guys can come up with such a plan ?

It's hard because every situation is unique. If an intense make-out session is in progress you obviously don't want to interrupt that. If it's just a conversation happening it may be fine to just wander in and introduce yourself.

If you two are attending parties and meeting others is a plan, and it's a party including people who are not poly aware or poly friendly it's not a pretty situation. Seems you almost have to go as singles ! Which I don't get the impression is part of your plan.

P is really putting himself in a delicate situation if he's hitting on other girls before acknowledging that he already has one GF (or more). He's liable to get his face slapped if the 'truth' comes out - especially if he's representing himself as 'available' when in fact that's only partially true !

Good luck Glow !

GS
Ah so this makess so much sense. thanks for the lesson on processing. pairing is a unique and interesting concept! =)

We go to a lot of parties, yes almost as singles it seems. I love parties but this is challanging!. P expects me to to flirt and get to know others with the same ease as his but for me its a strugggle. I am learning though by being pushed out of my comfort zone. I am also however having more troublesome times at parties than not. Thanks for the feedback everyone its great to get soem joined insight.
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Old 06-14-2010, 06:53 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
..............
We go to a lot of parties, yes almost as singles it seems. I love parties but this is challanging!. P expects me to to flirt and get to know others with the same ease as his but for me its a strugggle. I am learning though by being pushed out of my comfort zone. I am also however having more troublesome times at parties than not. Thanks for the feedback everyone its great to get soem joined insight.
Hey Glow,

Well, and as Ygirl said, you don't HAVE to go to all these parties. And you certainly don't have to go to one just because someone else expects you to !

It's a good thing to have our comfort zone stretched on occasion but there's a balance there too. Too much and it's not 'stretching' - it's punishing. Little good comes from that.

Also.........
Not everyone is cut out to be a social butterfly ! It's just not in their nature. There's a difference between being able to comfortably navigate social obligations and seeking them like some vital life force !
Embrace who you REALLY are ! That's who you will spend the rest of your life living with - preferably loving them (you) the whole time.

Remember - it's nothing more than a cultural thing. In the long term is has little meaning or importance. Right now the party culture is close to you. It's good practice for developing certain skills - nothing more. When it get's to a point you are suffering more than you are gaining it's time for a second look at what you could be doing with your time/life.

Stay in touch

GS
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Old 06-14-2010, 09:56 PM
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Maybe your jealousy comes from the realization that you are not like him and wish you could be? Or that you would of preferred to stay at home? Or that you seem to go as singles when you go out and would like to somehow have the opportunity to be together when socializing? Just some thoughts.
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Old 06-16-2010, 01:59 PM
glowinthedarkstars glowinthedarkstars is offline
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I love going to parties, I love to dance, I love the crowd we associate with but at the same time I still struggle to be social. I am always very excited to go out and wouldnt stay at home, but some nights there are conflicts or by the end of the evening I feel that my night wasnt everything I expected it to be. I wish I didnt feel so alone. its a skill I want to develop being social. I dont think staying at home is going to help anything, I will probably just sit at home wanting to be out

and yes P is very social, everyone knows him, girls hit on him constantly and he knows everyone. he is constantly "getting distracted". hell tell me "hold on one second ill be right back" or "I see someone I know" and I end up running into him hours later. sometimes he used tell me to "go meet people" but that left me feeling bad and we talked about it. its not easy for me to meet people. I have gotten a lot better, but its still a struggle. I think in the future if I brought a friend along that may help me. a lot of people tend to hang out at parties in semi-groups or pairs.
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Old 06-17-2010, 10:49 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by glowinthedarkstars View Post
............
and yes P is very social, everyone knows him, girls hit on him constantly and he knows everyone. he is constantly "getting distracted". hell tell me "hold on one second ill be right back" or "I see someone I know" and I end up running into him hours later. sometimes he used tell me to "go meet people" but that left me feeling bad and we talked about it. its not easy for me to meet people.
Hey Glow,

Look, I'm sorry, but I just have to call this out.

For starters, my instinct tells me that what YOU see as a relationship here and what P sees are possibly quite different. I suspect he likes you, cares about you, likes being with you - WHEN it fits HIS needs. I don't like that. Sorry.
I think he wants to help you because you are so nice. And other reasons But I do suspect if I (or any other outside person) could ask him how he saw this relationship with you the response might be quite different than what I sense coming from you.

Now..........that being said................

Personally, I could easily come down on this as being cruel. I don't like it. P KNOWS your insecurities. He knows you are struggling and uncomfortable in these situations. And yet he continues to toss you to the wolves so to speak. Now maybe he wants to paint that as 'helping' you. And in some way it is. And sometimes that's necessary. But not ALL the time !

A lot could be learned here by trying to get some commitment from him to attend some event - even party- and navigate it as a pair ! Try to get some balanced flow going about swimming on your own some times and having the life jacket on other times. If he can't at least do that then I suggest you take a hard look at what's going on here. If I thought you were just being used.....................not good ! More likely I just suspect he's unaware and inconsiderate.

You take the controls here now girl..............

GS
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