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  #1  
Old 09-29-2010, 04:49 PM
Roycroy Roycroy is offline
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Default Polyamory Confusion

My wife and I love one another very much, and we are affectionate with one another, but we don't really have sex anymore. She's a lesbian and has found a lesbian lover, and has proposed that her lover be part of our family. Her girlfriend gets along well with the kids and is very fond of me. She's a kind and good person.

My wife has said that she would understand if I needed a lover to be sexually satisfied--she has been expressly willing to pleasure me but is not really aroused by men. However I'm not sure that I want that.

My issue is with the fact that I'm worried about what the lack of sex means for my relationship with my wife. Have others managed a relationship like this, stayed married and been happy? Is it possible?
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:13 PM
Ariakas Ariakas is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Roycroy View Post
My wife and I love one another very much, and we are affectionate with one another, but we don't really have sex anymore. She's a lesbian and has found a lesbian lover, and has proposed that her lover be part of our family. Her girlfriend gets along well with the kids and is very fond of me. She's a kind and good person.

My wife has said that she would understand if I needed a lover to be sexually satisfied--she has been expressly willing to pleasure me but is not really aroused by men. However I'm not sure that I want that.

My issue is with the fact that I'm worried about what the lack of sex means for my relationship with my wife. Have others managed a relationship like this, stayed married and been happy? Is it possible?
I don't know of any relationships like this, but I can feel for you. I am not sure my relationships would survive without physical contact as for me, thats a big part of my connection. I don't need sex, but there is an intimacy lost without it.

Are you interested in finding "love" outside of the marriage or just sex. It could be, on your side ofthe relationship, than poly isn't what you want but sex is. It really depends on what you are getting from the relationship.

And honestly, is she still giving you love? What are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Might be things to consider.

Best of luck on your journey

Ari
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Old 09-29-2010, 07:43 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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My assumption is that you are staying because of the kids. Is that so or are their other reasons? That is a noble enough reason for sure. It sounds like it could work very well.

The whole sex thing without her really being into it I find a bit disturbing, but maybe that's me. I don't think I'd be so keen in your situation and be looking elsewhere for love, companionship and connection. Sex isn't everthing for sure, and you could certainly have a connected relationship with your wife without it, but I would think having another or several othe relationships of a sexual nature would be more healthy.
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Old 09-30-2010, 07:18 AM
Roycroy Roycroy is offline
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Originally Posted by Ariakas View Post
I don't know of any relationships like this, but I can feel for you. I am not sure my relationships would survive without physical contact as for me, thats a big part of my connection. I don't need sex, but there is an intimacy lost without it.

Are you interested in finding "love" outside of the marriage or just sex. It could be, on your side ofthe relationship, than poly isn't what you want but sex is. It really depends on what you are getting from the relationship.

And honestly, is she still giving you love? What are you getting out of staying in the relationship? Might be things to consider.

Best of luck on your journey

Ari
My wife is very tender and affectionate with me. We are very close and most significantly I think that we share spiritual beliefs together that we encourage one another in.

It is a struggle though. I don't know about exploring love outside of my marriage. For one thing, odd as it may seem, I just don't have the time right now. I work an afternoon shift at work and the work is very physically demanding; it's all that I can do to have time to spend with my family normally.

Quote:
My assumption is that you are staying because of the kids. Is that so or are their other reasons? That is a noble enough reason for sure. It sounds like it could work very well.

The whole sex thing without her really being into it I find a bit disturbing, but maybe that's me. I don't think I'd be so keen in your situation and be looking elsewhere for love, companionship and connection. Sex isn't everthing for sure, and you could certainly have a connected relationship with your wife without it, but I would think having another or several othe relationships of a sexual nature would be more healthy.
The kids are the main factor. We are good parents together, that is a major thing for me.

I guess I am wondering if anyone has similar experiences and ones that have turned out well in the end, and if it is possible for someone to rediscover their delight in making love with their original partner.

I did seriously talk to her about this. She said that it has nothing to do with my qualities as a lover or a person, it is just that she finds she is only attracted to women. But then she also kisses me, lies in bed with me and so on.

So I'm kind of trying to figure all this out.
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Old 09-30-2010, 09:14 PM
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No doubt you are trying to figure this out! Talk about a mixed message! I would think that eventually that kind of message would begin to wear on your feelings of self worth and self esteem.

I know plenty of men and women that stay in their marriages for the kids. Most are having an affairs rather than honestly trying to figure out how everyone can be happy. Good for her... and you, for trying to figure that out! Much more integrity and selflessness in how you are attempting to go about things. I admire that you are setting a good example for your kids too.

Look, as far as I believe and act in my relationship life, we can do whatever works for us. We have been handed a set of rules, put out by our culture, that says how we are expected to carry out our relationship lives. We can accept those rules or not, its up to us. There has been no other time in history where we have been able to throw the book out and decide for ourselves. We are lucky! It makes us feel good that others are doing stuff similar to us, but, maybe you could take comfort in knowing that you and your situation are unique, what we can relate on is we are all finding ways that work for us and supporting one another in that process.
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Old 10-01-2010, 02:37 AM
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My answer is Yes. I know about 3 relationships that were sexless between 2 loving partners, due to one partner`s homosexuality.

Yes, it can work. If both people feel truly loved, and appreciated. If both people are logical, and understand the need for intimacy.

If you`re only concern, is the fact you don`t have time right now, that is a ok concern to have. At some point, you will have time. Do what feels right then. You don`t have to run out and bang someone, just because your wife gave you freedom to do so. Go at your own pace.

I think you need to know its ok to be in a different living arrangement. It`s ok,as long as you still feel loved, appreciated, and not used. Take things one day at a time. Maybe you are ok today, maybe you are ok 6 months from now. Maybe 2 years from now you decide you need something more.


Deal with that then. One day at a time.
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Old 10-01-2010, 04:34 PM
Roycroy Roycroy is offline
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Thanks for the encouragement. I think that a lot of what I'm struggling with is, yes, insecurity and self doubt. I try then to remember what is good in order to have perspective. My wife did say that she thought I was a wonderful lover, but that she is simply not turned on by men. And in fact this is true; I've never seen her sigh over a male model or a movie star or rock star; all her favourites are women or the occasional obviously gay man--who she would probably enjoy hanging out with. And in fact I know I'm a good lover, especially because I'm open minded and willing to learn. So it's not like I screwed up, was insensitive and uncaring.

Anyway I appreciate the thoughts--try to explore how this can work. It does help to know that others have been down the same road as well.
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Old 10-01-2010, 04:49 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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As long as you are both compatible house-mates and as long as she agrees that it's fair for you to have other partners and doesn't "keep [your] dick in a mason jar under the kitchen sink" (to quote from "American Beauty"), then I see no reason why this can't work.

I know of one situation where both partners are heterosexual and they "broke up" but stayed living together to raise their son. This happened over 10 years ago, the boy is now 15 and the father JUST got his own place and moved. So, it HAS been done successfully before.
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Old 10-03-2010, 02:29 AM
Roycroy Roycroy is offline
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Today there was a moment where I seriously began to doubt whether this is going to work at all or not. One of the things as I understand it that can make or break a good poly situation is consistency, right? Well I have a number of times presented my concern that my wife and I have enough quality time together. She doesn't really do anything about it. For example:

on a day to day basis during the week she spends the night with her girlfriend about at least half the time. However it means that my wife and I have lunch together but that this other person regularly (unlike me) gets intimate time with her in the evening. So that's fair enough because I expected to get at least half the weekend. However this weekend she's spending EVERY night with her--and then seems astonished that I'm upset about it--like she really doesn't understand.

I get the feeling she just wants her own way and doesn't care; she doesn't like that I'm upset but doesn't want to actually do anything that will help the situation.
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Old 10-03-2010, 07:25 AM
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I'm not sure I understand roycroy, you said she is a lesbian and not with you in the intimate sense anymore. Why would she spend intimate time with you if you are not in a intimate relationship anymore? She has a girlfriend and has sex with you out of obligation and to help you out, that's it no? She loves you as the father of her child and as a friend, but that is it no? I would think that she would gravitate to where her romantic heart lies, not with the father of her child who is now her friend.
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