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Old 09-29-2010, 11:46 AM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Default How to turn a monogamous relationsship into an poly relationship or a friendship?

Sorry, this text is quite long, but I think you need some information to be able to answer me:

Let you tell me in short my background: I think I'm kind of poly, but I regularily switch back to old habits. After some time relationships get kind of boring for me and I get interested in some others, which usually leads to a break up of the old friendship, which I regret. Sometime I had free affairs, which was good for me, but then I fall in love again and think it might be "the one and only".

I go out with my friend claudia for about a year and a half and it is very amazing. She is very special and also has lots of imagination and is very passionate and sensitive.

She has also some serious psychic problems. She can be very controlling, repressive and jealous to me and some of my friends and I don't know what to do, I often feel suppressed. Sometimes it is just too much, being just with her. I talked with her about polyamory and showed her media about it. She sympathizes a little with it, but she says when I would fool around with someone else, she would leave me. Now I mailed a good friend of mine and suggested that we make a secret date, may be she will reply. I want to tell Claudia may be in a few weeks what we did, so she realizes, that nothing really had changed,when she didn't know. I really am desperate, I love Claudia but the way it is now is not allrigt. I don't want to hurt her, make her leave me and I would be hurt, too. I would be happy to get some suggestions from you what to do?

P.S. She gets some drug nearly a year now she thinks she has to take it -, which doesn`t help but makes her tired and kind of apathetic. This makes me said, too.
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Old 09-29-2010, 02:29 PM
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Hello, imagination.
It seems that you are in quandary. You love this woman, yet find yourself attracted to others. Then you reach out to others and fall in love with them and leave the one you are with. This might mean that you are a serial monogamist or that you are in fact poly.

One thing is for sure as far as I'm concerned is that cheating is NOT okay. It is hurtful, damaging to everyone concerned and causes ones relationship life to become lessened because we don't put the work in to achieve healthy and successful relationships. That doesn't mean anyone should stay in a relationship that is not working or not healthy, but encouraging ones loves to work towards a more healthy situation means that everyone feels satisfaction, pride and comfort in the relationships they have, rather than hurt, alone, sad and deceived.

I would suggest taking the bull by the horns and become honest, respectful and have integrity with yourself and your partner. If she is struggling, then do the work needed to help her feel less threatened. Go at her pace, begin making changes in the way you communicate with her and encourage her to do the same thing. Don't lie, don't go behind her back and show her that you are a man of integrity and honour, rather than a cheated. she isn't going to see how "easy" it is for you to have another in your life. She is going to see that you cheated and can't b trusted.

I don't know what you mean by the behaviours she has. If she is being emotionally abusive towards you then you have much work to do. You might need to go and talk with someone about changing the way you relate to one another. You could start by telling her how her way of treating you makes you feel as a start and ask her not to anymore. Give her ideas of what you would like to hear from her instead and stick to your guns. Don't back down. It isn't okay to treat people badly.

On the other hand if you feel suppressed because you want to have other loves then that is where you will need to for awhile, because you just can't get away from doing a hell of a lot of work to be poly. Mostly on yourself by the sounds of it. It sounds like you have become used to just cheating when ever you feel like it and leaving women whenever you feel like it. That is quite a wake you have caused and I would suggest you work on that first.
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Old 09-29-2010, 03:55 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Thank you very much for your answer, it's really helpful. Some things I didn't describe quite precisely.

"Then you reach out to others and fall in love with them and leave the one you are with."

Partly true but usually after relationships I was alone for some time.

"One thing is for sure as far as I'm concerned is that cheating is NOT okay..."

I agree

"If she is being emotionally abusive towards you then you have much work to do."

Indeed, but she also has a very caring side.

"You could start by telling her how her way of treating you makes you feel as a start.."

I tried to, but then she often says, that SHE feels treated badly or something like that. Somtetimes it works, I should try this more frequently.

"her ideas of what you would like to hear from her instead and stick to your guns. Don't back down." Good Idea

"On the other hand if you feel suppressed because you want to have other loves..."

That's part of our conflict, but what makes me feel even more irritated, that she tries to tell me things like what I should wear or whom I shouldn't hang out with."

"then that is where you will need to for awhile"

what exactly do you mean by that?

"because you just can't get away from doing a hell of a lot of work to be poly"

I guess. I think, I did already some work. I can't expect that it just works without lots of talking and dealing with my emotions and so on

"It sounds like you have become used to just cheating when ever you feel like it and leaving women whenever you feel like it. "

No, I always or at least almost always made it clear before, that we switch into an open relationship or I would tell before, that I date someone else. Sometimes I just broke up a relationship, because it didn't feel good anymore. Either way, what remained of close loving relationships was an end in conflict and not even a friendship.
So I thought may be cheating is a better idea, at least it is another approuch. I guess I'm wrong.

"That is quite a wake you have caused and I would suggest you work on that first."

You mean, my present relationship? I wish there would be a way to transform it on another level. It shouldn't end like stupid. For example, I never had a friend I dreamed so often about, especially when she lies at my side.

I believe, she has some kind of trauma and it is not good, that she has only very few friends. I believe poly communities can be a way of healing, because more caring people means more ways to cope.

I gotta ask how the quoting works in the other thread
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Old 09-29-2010, 05:37 PM
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I'm suggesting that perhaps feeling supressed for a time so you can all be on the same page is good thing.
I would also suggest that in telling her how you feel that you also ask her how she feels in those moments where you think she is being controlling. Maybe you look like shit in an outfit and she is trying to help because she thinks your hot and not doing your hotness justice. I know that's why I tell my guys to wear certain things over others. I also ask them what they would like to see me wear because they think I look good. Maybe she would be open to you doing that. The whole idea is to make it an open discussion not close each other down. The only way to do that is to talk about feelings and ask questions in my experience.
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Old 09-29-2010, 06:41 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Default understanding

I know, I can be dominant, too. But I don't know what the good part of supression should be? Dialogue is a way to get to know each other better,
certainly. Not making threats or demands but communication for understanding each other. May be, I'll post in the future how things developed. Or may be some other people can say something about it?
Anyway, thanks for the point with the clothing, made me think about it.
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Old 09-30-2010, 03:12 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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I tried out your advice and I'm surprised what changes happened as I paid more attention to Claudias feelings and we talked more about what we feel like, what goes on in our minds. Some of her anger and her controll behaviour suddenly vanished. Conflicts are a chance to learn from each other. I believe with her behaviour she wants to tell me things, that she couldn't tell me in a different way, because I was too egocentric, too self centred.
To ask questions what the other thinks or means or wishes is also very good. I will continue this way.
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Old 09-30-2010, 10:12 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Imagination View Post
I tried out your advice and I'm surprised what changes happened as I paid more attention to Claudias feelings and we talked more about what we feel like, what goes on in our minds. Some of her anger and her controll behaviour suddenly vanished. Conflicts are a chance to learn from each other. I believe with her behaviour she wants to tell me things, that she couldn't tell me in a different way, because I was too egocentric, too self centred.
To ask questions what the other thinks or means or wishes is also very good. I will continue this way.
That seems like a really healthy development to me. Kudos!


P.S. Um, my signature was a joke from another thread that sounds really weird to me in other contexts... just realized it's time to delete it!
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Last edited by anotherbo; 09-30-2010 at 10:40 PM. Reason: P.S.
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Old 09-30-2010, 10:25 PM
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That's great! Its amazing what can be accomplished when we step out of the ego thing, stop assuming and investigate instead.
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Old 10-01-2010, 04:45 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
That's great! Its amazing what can be accomplished when we step out of the ego thing, stop assuming and investigate instead.
I also see it with other couples how communication lines go in circles. As someone from outside, often it looks even funny and easy to resolve. It has much to do with trust, to open up to someone means the risk to be hurt or the chance to be heard.
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Old 10-08-2010, 06:23 PM
Imagination Imagination is offline
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I think I should write about my experiences some more, because my introduction was very vague.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imagination View Post
After some time relationships get kind of boring for me and I get interested in some others, which usually leads to a break up of the old friendship, which I regret.
This is not quite true. Usually conflicts establish in my relationships after some time. And then I feel, we're going in circles. So eventuelly, after the same arguments come up again and again and when talking about it doesn't change anything I feel frustrated and brake up a relationship. It also has happened the other way around. As well, I in some cases hoped to make things better, by looking for someone else, while keeping the old partner in the sense of a Poly relationship. But this of course doesn't work, when not all involved wish this kind of being together.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Imagination View Post
Sometime I had free affairs, which was good for me, but then I fall in love again and think it might be "the one and only".
Those affairs were not always and not in all ways good. Sometimes I got hurt because the other was rather interested in me in a sexual way and I wanted rather a love relationship or it was the other way around. However, I liked the excitement and openess of those meetings. And with most of these women I can still cope and be friends with which doesn't work with ex girl friends almost no exceptions here.
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