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Old 09-27-2010, 04:05 PM
Sauce Sauce is offline
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Default a bit of advice please

Hello there, I'll get right to it. I'm in a relationship (mono) with a woman that i love deeply but I have always been a person who's... shall i say interest waver... I'm thinking that poly may work really well for me. But my Lady is not so much into it and I'm not one to force anything on anyone nor am I one to cheat. But knowing that she isn't into the poly lifestyle ( we've talked about it and she said half-assed that we could try it) I can't do it I just don't feel right if my lady is not on board but I also feel that poly may be who i am or a lifestyle that would make me happy. So my question is what to do? How do I go about things? thanks in advance for all of your advice
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Old 09-27-2010, 04:45 PM
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MonoVCPHG MonoVCPHG is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Sauce View Post
Hello there, I'll get right to it. I'm in a relationship (mono) with a woman that i love deeply but I have always been a person who's... shall i say interest waver... I'm thinking that poly may work really well for me. But my Lady is not so much into it and I'm not one to force anything on anyone nor am I one to cheat. But knowing that she isn't into the poly lifestyle ( we've talked about it and she said half-assed that we could try it) I can't do it I just don't feel right if my lady is not on board but I also feel that poly may be who i am or a lifestyle that would make me happy. So my question is what to do? How do I go about things? thanks in advance for all of your advice
Short and sweet
- Ask her to educate herself on what poly is...reading here would help, xeromag is good too.

- figure out why you would want poly; sex with other people, relationships with other people, both?

- educate yourself on poly. If you're going to delve into it make sure you know it works both ways and what you get to experience so can she if she wants (and she may want once you open that door).

- both of you need to look at what the possible outcomes/impacts are. What if you really need this and she really doesn't want this? Are you prepared to seperate to meet people who match your criteria better?

- be honest with yourself.
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Last edited by redpepper; 09-28-2010 at 06:28 AM.
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Old 09-27-2010, 04:59 PM
Sauce Sauce is offline
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thanks for the advice. we have been on this site reading for almost a year, she found it for me. But no I would never leave her. I dont even know what to say. I' now thinking about when she asked me " What I'm not enough for you? You need another woman?" that was when i stopped talking about it.
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Old 09-27-2010, 05:27 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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Originally Posted by Sauce View Post
thanks for the advice. we have been on this site reading for almost a year, she found it for me. But no I would never leave her. I dont even know what to say. I' now thinking about when she asked me " What I'm not enough for you? You need another woman?" that was when i stopped talking about it.
I had to explain something similar to a friend of mine the other day, who was wondering why I would want to date someone other than my wife to begin with (my wife, Tonberry on the forums, is poly and introduced me to the concept, so there wasn't any drama on her part about my interest in J).
As I explained it, it's not about wanting another woman, because I didn't marry Tonberry just because "a woman", I married her because she's Tonberry and I love her. My interest in J isn't because I'm not satisfied with Tonberry and I want someone on the side, I've grown to care about J and would like our friendship to develop into something more. It's about the people involved, not about some vague fantasy to have more than one woman or to get more sex. I didn't think of dating until I got to know J, and if things don't work out with her (unfortunately somewhat likely) I won't think of dating again until I meet someone I feel like I could fall in love with once more.
That's my take on it, in any case.
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Old 09-27-2010, 05:36 PM
Sauce Sauce is offline
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thanks Ragabash to find the words to explain that to my woman (Chefett oh the forum ) is really hard. I said things like I have a big heart, or alot of share, and I can love you in all of the ways that I love you and for all of the different reasons and love someone else for different reasons and in different ways. She just looks at me. i don't think I can convey that it's not about sex or that i'm not looking to replace her or that she wont become secondary. I think I've made a mess of things
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:26 PM
Ragabash Ragabash is offline
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It's not something that can easily be explained to people, and I'm at a point now where I'm coming to understand it myself after having an open marriage for well over a year and my wife having a boyfriend for several months. It wasn't exactly the easy route to understanding, I had to do a lot of thinking in the meantime.
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Old 09-27-2010, 07:58 PM
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If there isn't anybody in the wings and you don't want to leave your woman just keep talking about things. This doesn't sound like a situation where things need to be rushed at all. Ask her what she is comfortable with, that's a good place to start. Who knows, for the time being that might just be flirting and meeting people as friends. The thing is once she knows that she can trust you to respect where she is coming from and what she is comfortable with the comfort level will likely change to include more things and closer relationships. This is a journey that can take some time...in my case about 5 years, to get to the point of really living poly. Good luck to you.

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Old 09-28-2010, 06:33 AM
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Ah the blank stare... seen it

I think those of us who have mono partners remember that look well.

Everyone has given great ideas and advice, I just want you to know you are not alone and to keep at it. Keep moving forward in honesty and respect. There is nothing more you can do, besides trust. Trust that what is meant to be is meant to be and that as long as you can sit in your skin and know that you are moving towards your goals in life and that you are open to what comes; that is it really; that is the meaning of life!
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Old 09-28-2010, 11:23 AM
polyexplorer polyexplorer is offline
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"The blank stare"... What a great way to describe the reaction of someone (especially someone who has always been mono) the first time they hit the idea of the possibility of poly...

I had the "poly talk" for the first time with my wife just the other night. I got the blank stare.... That was followed by a long silence which was then followed by tears which was then followed by "Why aren't I enough?" I can totally understand why she would respond like that...

My response was to show love and to explain that it actually had nothing to do with her or her not being enough or me being dissatisfied with our relationship in any way. It was simply about me and who I am.

I think this is only the tip of the iceberg. There's a whole lot more processing to come, and in the meantime my plan is to take things at her pace. It is made a bit more difficult because in my case there is another close friend of ours in the wings who I have gotten close to, who is also waiting and taking things at my wife's pace.

Interestingly though, since the conversation, my wife has been much more affectionate. I thought maybe the opposite would happen and she would withdraw a little... Time will reveal all...
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:54 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Originally Posted by polyexplorer View Post
...............

I had the "poly talk" for the first time with my wife just the other night. I got the blank stare.... That was followed by a long silence which was then followed by tears which was then followed by "Why aren't I enough?" I can totally understand why she would respond like that...
Just zoomed in on this because we hear it so much.

I've always felt the food analogy was the best & clearest explanation I've known.

"No matter how good the caviar is, there comes a time for many that an exposure comes that there are indeed other, perfectly healthy & good tasting foods that might be chosen ALONG WITH the caviar.
For some, the freedom of choice and to expand the menu in a positive way only makes sense, and once the discovery is made, denial can cause much unhappiness and frustration. Ignorance was bliss............until........


GS
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