Hello from California

[ChrisBoy]

Hello!

I have been following this forum for almost two years.

My wife 'A' and I are happily married (for almost 12 years) and, after some preliminary reading, we both decided to try polyamory (back in August 2011).

For exactly 16 months we have been in a V with a second man, 'J', who is now living very far from us. He although recently made a short visit and promised to come back soon.

Meanwhile, since last December, 'A' started dating one more man, 'R'. They will also endure a distance relationship because 'R' does not live in US and will be back home soon.

Concerning me, I have dated a girl for four month just after we decided to become poly (in year 2011). We broke up because she did not accept the poly model. Since then, I am solely with 'A'.

I have three reflections and would love if someone could point me to related threads or just send me some thoughts.

1- How should we deal with lovers who are not truly poly and therefore end up cheating on their primaries (both men involved with 'A' have girlfriends who are not completely aware of our polyamory relationship).

2- What type of advice could I give her in regards to keeping another distance relationship? I feel there is too much idealization and a waste of time keeping email and phone contact for only a few weeks a year for being together.

3- Do you think that a good initial approach is to prioritize involvement with poly couples, specially those who are already in a long and stable relationship? In other words, avoid monogamic people.

Sincerely,
ChrisBoy.

[kdt26417]

Hi ChrisBoy,
Welcome to our forum.

Re:

"How should we deal with lovers who are not truly poly and therefore end up cheating on their primaries (both men involved with 'A' have girlfriends who are not completely aware of our polyamory relationship)."

The bad thing about "J" and "R" having girlfriends who aren't aware of the situation is that it means these men can't be trusted. If they won't tell their other girlfriends the truth, how can they be expected to tell you the truth?

Re:

"What type of advice could I give her in regards to keeping another distance relationship? I feel there is too much idealization and a waste of time keeping email and phone contact for only a few weeks a year for being together."

Long-distant relationships are difficult to do. But if this is what "A" wants to do, it is kind of her choice.

Re:

"Do you think that a good initial approach is to prioritize involvement with poly couples, specially those who are already in a long and stable relationship? In other words, avoid monogamic people."

I am going to take a neutral stance here: Your odds of success are just about equally as good regardless of if the new person is single or part of a couple. (I guess I should add that you should make sure the new person is at least poly-friendly.)

All people are highly unique and individual, as are all relationships, and you just never know what is going to work for one relationship that wouldn't work for another. The only main concern I would have is that "J" and "R" should tell the truth to the other girlfriends. Or at least they should have some kind of exit strategy for how the dishonest dynamic will end (or how the relationships will end).

It is going to be a tough spot for you to be in, though, as these are "A's" decisions that she is making, and you are not liking her decisions (in part with good reason). You can try to reason with "A," but you can't force her to make one decision or another. Unless you are going to give her an ultimatum (e.g. "me or them"), and even then, it's "A" who will be making the choice in response to that.

If you talk to her about these things, I would suggest doing so with respect and care. Be careful not to put her down for her decisions. Be willing to listen to her, and really hear her.

Those are just my thoughts based on what I know of the situation. Hope it helps.

Sincerely,
Kevin T.