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  #101  
Old 01-17-2011, 07:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cricket View Post
I've always had a relatively short fuse, but I never burn for long at all. Usually, I'm livid for a couple hours, tops. Then I've forgiven and forgotten, and moved on with my life.
Except not.
I do this. I get raging angry for a few hours, then once I calm down and normal life resumes all the issues that caused the anger are just pushed aside until the next time it comes up, then the hurt is back twice as bad. My husband always accused me of not forgiving him, because I always remembered the last time he hurt me. The biggest problem was always that the real issue was never fully addressed, he just waited until I was "back to normal" and life went on. So there was no true forgiveness because the issue was never delt with and he never asked to be forgiven or I never told him (while rational) what the true issue was.

If I remember correctly, you are in the middle of construction at your house, you are stuck dealing with a sick crankly old woman, as well as school. Trust me on this, living through construction is enough to make anyone cranky and irrational, add the other factors it's really not all that unexpected. You need a vacation away from home for a few days with your best girlfriend.
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  #102  
Old 01-17-2011, 07:20 PM
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Cricket, this is the stuff that backbone is made of.

A stronger, more stable you will emerge from all the conflict and unrest. You are getting to know yourself better and railing against the slights and injustices you have perpetrated against yourself and allowed others to perpetrate against you. Change is the only absolute in life, so embrace it.

Know that old issues and hurts never really go away. They live inside us, and we just revisit them all our lives from a newer and deeper perspective. I hate to come off sounding like an old person, but eventually you will be able to look at this crap with more objectivity and be able to say, "Huh. So that's why I do that. Oh. Makes sense that I am this way. Hmm." But until you reach that point, it seems to feel like it did when you first were hurt. In actuality, you are wiser and older and have more understanding of yourself than you did before. Perhaps you are allowing yourself to feel it all now because you are more ready to handle these emotions than you ever were before.

I urge you to keep posting. However, maybe you shouldn't read Mohegan's blog anymore. You have your process in standing up for yourself, she has hers for whatever she needs. You are an individual and deserve your place in the world, on your terms. Don't let anyone else's expectations get you down. Use your anger as a stimulus to create a life you want, but don't let it turn to bitterness. Be kind and loving to yourself. Hang in there, you're doing fine, even though it's uncomfortable. Really.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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  #103  
Old 01-17-2011, 08:52 PM
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Actually, it's really nice and really helpful to know someone else has been there - I feel a little less crazy.

On some level I know that this is just an emotional growing pain - but that knowledge is currently all but drowned out by the pain itself.

Thank you all.
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  #104  
Old 01-17-2011, 11:13 PM
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Remember that as much as this sucks, it is a HUGE sign of progress. Massive.

I know it sucks, but don't blame yourself for the anger - you've kinda backlogged a big debt of it, and you're paying it all back right now.

You can be mad. It's NORMAL. I don't hold that against you, so don't hold it against yourself.
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  #105  
Old 01-18-2011, 03:16 AM
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Believe me darling-you aren't crazy (or if you are, there are a LOT of us). It's one of the burdens of growth, we have to see our "badsides". Go figure.

But, you can do it. There's a SHITLOAD going on in your life right now, give yourself permission to feel the emotions that go with that!
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  #106  
Old 01-26-2011, 04:43 AM
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So, J smokes, as do most of our other friends.
My little brother worships the ground those boys walk on, and wants to be just like then, so J has gone out of his way to tell my brother in no uncertain terms just how bad for him smoking has been. We do NOT want my bro thinking smoking is "cool."

He's told my brother about the cases of pneumonia or bronchitis it's caused, how he coughs up black stuff on rough winter mornings, all that jazz.

My grandmother told my brother that J was lying, and it's not that bad.

This is extremely fucked up for so many reasons.

The first reason it's fucked up is that she truly believes it. In her world, there is no room for us to be right, for smoking to be bad for her. She cannot accept it, therefore, she thinks we're all liars. She's chosen her reality over her family's word.

The second reason it's fucked up is that she just lied to a little boy, and actually almost encourages him to smoke. She's encouraging her own grandson to hurt himself, because she is so hell bent on denying the truth. She's chosen her dream world over her grandson's health.

The third reason it's fucked up is that a trusted elder family member just told him his idol lied to him. My little brother now has to choose whether to believe his grandmother, or the cool grown up guy who plays cards with him and teaches him to fight. He has to choose to doubt what one of them has said. She's chosen her delusions over her integrity.


Mom is going to sit down and talk with my brother. So is J, most likely. I'm going to sit down and have one hell of a talk with my Grandma.

I'm just so...at a loss. There've been a lot of other issues with Grandma lately, I'll post again later when I'm less livid.
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  #107  
Old 01-26-2011, 04:49 AM
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Call the local hospital, tell them you are trying to keep your little brother from smoking and ask if there is someone who could physically show him the problems it causes and give him a tour of the lung cancer ward, etc. Have J take him.
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  #108  
Old 01-26-2011, 05:35 AM
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I'm having J's best friend cough up tar for him tomorrow. It'll be educational.
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  #109  
Old 01-26-2011, 08:55 AM
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Jesus, do I need to come over and show him how 'good' smoking is? I will, in a heartbeat.

So not cool....
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  #110  
Old 01-27-2011, 01:05 AM
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That goes so far beyond fucked up.
OMG!

I can only imagine how livid you must be!

I know it's your brother, not your child.
But my brother was my "baby" til I had my first baby and I see how my older kids are with their younger siblings-as though they are their own personal responsibility.

What a f'd up thing to do to the poor kid!!!


Hugs to you for trying so hard.
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