What is it that I want - looking for definition

[Ambergris]

Hi everyone. I hope you will help me to give a name to this craving of mine.
I tried some monogamous relationships (irrelevant ), then some poly ones, or at least something in that area, but they left me dissatisfied. There was always some feeling of being an extra person or having the extra person just for a short amount of time. Like "this is my lifelong precious partner and this is our friend we sometimes have sex with". Or "let's be a couple but find ourselves a third from time to time". Or "we are together, but I also would like to have a boyfriend, if that's okay with you". Or "we are two couples who like exchanging partners and also having group sex".

What I realized I want is a "closed and equal" poly relationship. A sort of a threesome, but not just sex-wise, also emotion-wise and relationship-wise. Everyone loves each other and has sex with each other, including group sex, all three partners are equal, there are no primary partners or couples or love triangles within the union. And there is no sexual or romantic relationships outside the union. It's not "us and her" or "us and him" or "me and my two lovers who somehow tolerate each other" or "us and whoever happens by", it's "the three of us". The focus is not on a person having relationships with two other people, but on a three-way relationship.
Is that possible? Is there an official name for it?

Thanks in advance.

[MonoVCPHG]

What you are looking for is a polyfi "triad" and they do exist.

While everyone can certainly gain equality within the relationship, the chances of everyone loving each other equally are slim. Usually two bond to a greater extent it seems.

[redpepper]

Mono's name for what you want seems valid to me. And I agree, very difficult to obtain for the long haul, but if you are not necessarily interested in the long haul then perhaps you will find it for a time. Usually one person feels left out while the other two feel more connection and love for one another over time. The balance is near impossible to hold up.

Have a good look around here and you will find many who are trying to achieve what you seek...

[GroundedSpirit]

I tend to agree with RP ....somewhat.

Is it possible ? Maybe. But I feel setting it up as some 'goal' and not feeling satisfied otherwise is going to lead to disappointment and disillusionment.
Because the 'dream' tends to ignore human nature.
As we've spoken about frequently, all people form connections of various depths and in various fashions. There is never this idealized 'equality' any more than leaves on the same tree are all equal.

And I always get a shiver when I hear such talk because to me it harks back somewhat to the 'same old model' - a slightly expanded form of monogamy. Only with one additional person. In such a configuration I see the same potential for problems and conflict as I'd see in a classic 2 person monogamous relationship, but maybe with one important difference.

These people have looked at 'expanded' loving & relationships, chosen it, and I have a feeling that in most cases trying to close that down is going to be difficult.

Pandora's box has already been opened. Monogamy was found lacking (something) in order to choose this in the first place and once discovered that's not likely to change.

Good luck !

GS

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit

I feel setting it up as some 'goal' and not feeling satisfied otherwise is going to lead to disappointment and disillusionment.
Because the 'dream' tends to ignore human nature.
As we've spoken about frequently, all people form connections of various depths and in various fashions. There is never this idealized 'equality' any more than leaves on the same tree are all equal.

And I always get a shiver when I hear such talk because to me it harks back somewhat to the 'same old model' - a slightly expanded form of monogamy. Only with one additional person. In such a configuration I see the same potential for problems and conflict as I'd see in a classic 2 person monogamous relationship, but maybe with one important difference.

These people have looked at 'expanded' loving & relationships, chosen it, and I have a feeling that in most cases trying to close that down is going to be difficult.

Pandora's box has already been opened. Monogamy was found lacking (something) in order to choose this in the first place and once discovered that's not likely to change.

I think this sums up why I feel uncomfortable with the closed triad dream... or closed quad dream for that matter... it isn't expanding, but as rigid as monogamous rules. Of course that doesn't mean that it doesn't work for some, I am sure there are some it does work for, but as you say, when the box of possibilities is open then the prospect of closing it down after NRE has settled seems unlikely and painful.

[Ambergris]

Thank you for the answers.

It's not like I'm setting it up as an ultimate goal, it's just it seems that other kinds of experience turned out to be... not very satisfying.
I thought hard about why and I realized two things:
1) I won't ever be happy as a unicorn or something like that (yes, I went and learned some terms, too ) because being a secondary partner in a structured poly relationship drives me crazy. Been there, done that. It's not so much about attention but that I feel like the gamma of the pack. Not powerful enough, not enough of a decision-maker.
2) I also feel uncomfortable when my partners form important connections with other people without me participating in them (and sometimes even without me meeting those people). I guess I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm fine with group experiences or with having multiple relationships of my own, but the idea of my partners having an "independent" connection that has absolutely nothing to do with me... not sure I'd be able to be comfortable with that for an extended period of time.
Maybe GroundedSpirit is right about the shiver. Though the classic mono model also turned out to be uncomfortable and restricting.
So I guess I need to do more thinking.

[jlpanian]

Originally Posted by Ambergris

Thank you for the answers.

It's not like I'm setting it up as an ultimate goal, it's just it seems that other kinds of experience turned out to be... not very satisfying.
I thought hard about why and I realized two things:
1) I won't ever be happy as a unicorn or something like that (yes, I went and learned some terms, too ) because being a secondary partner in a structured poly relationship drives me crazy. Been there, done that. It's not so much about attention but that I feel like the gamma of the pack. Not powerful enough, not enough of a decision-maker.
2) I also feel uncomfortable when my partners form important connections with other people without me participating in them (and sometimes even without me meeting those people). I guess I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm fine with group experiences or with having multiple relationships of my own, but the idea of my partners having an "independent" connection that has absolutely nothing to do with me... not sure I'd be able to be comfortable with that for an extended period of time.
Maybe GroundedSpirit is right about the shiver. Though the classic mono model also turned out to be uncomfortable and restricting.
So I guess I need to do more thinking.

Ambergris,

I have very similiar feelings!, with one probably major exception, we are not looking for the Triad, but a simple Vee. Basically its not a three way sexual exchange. More along the lines of polygamy. But a lot of what you say as I read it, rings true for me as well.

There is so much value in EQUALITY amongst everyone. I never liked reading about a primary vs secondary. We want equality amongst members, an equal share to the voting process of life. I cannot expect (nor would I) that I introduce another person into my life, and expect them to share in the wholehearted vesting of emotions, if I did not give them equal rights to the relationship.

now that being said, I know I am also a hypocrite, because equality should also be seen in regards to sex. And I do not think I could handle my ladies sleeping with anyone else but me. Not even with each other, hence the Vee and not the Triad.

Your point #2, almost sounds like you want to have what I want. A Vee relationship with you as the hinge. This part I think I share with you. But like you said, its hard to expect that once pandora's box is open, to be success at closing it back up.

I like you, need to think .... I wish you the best luck, and keep posting, because I want to see where you end up. It just might give me things to think about.

JP

[redpepper]

jlpanian, have you done a search in the tags for OPP (one penis policy)? It's a tricky one. There are very few women that would conform to not being able to seek out other lovers while their lover has two. Actually, MOST people would struggle with that. After all, why should you be able to and not them. What is good for the goose is good for the gander type thing. Of course if this is a Dominance/submission thing then I would assume that your ladies are in it because they like to be dominated in this way. What worries me about polygamy is that the rights of women are not respected and of course children in religious polygamy in the new lately.

Anyway, there is some interesting reading on here about OPP. Hope you take a look

[Tonberry]

I find that my partners' interests are definitely not "independent" or "having nothing to do with me". I'm totally involved, from the courtship part and I assume I would later on as well. I can be a control freak too, but it's all part of the same big network, to me.

[jlpanian]

Originally Posted by redpepper

jlpanian, have you done a search in the tags for OPP (one penis policy)? It's a tricky one. There are very few women that would conform to not being able to seek out other lovers while their lover has two. Actually, MOST people would struggle with that. After all, why should you be able to and not them. What is good for the goose is good for the gander type thing. Of course if this is a Dominance/submission thing then I would assume that your ladies are in it because they like to be dominated in this way. What worries me about polygamy is that the rights of women are not respected and of course children in religious polygamy in the new lately.

Anyway, there is some interesting reading on here about OPP. Hope you take a look

RP - thats what I struggle with. My wife for instance as I mentioned in another post is the one that started us down this path, and she wants nothing to do with having another lover. She loves the idea of having a best friend, kind of thing. Now I cannot honestly speak for her, but this is what she has shared with me.

I have talked at length with her, because she is the last person i would want to hurt. And even though she is the one who started us down this path, she is also the one to pull the plug, because I see exactly what your saying RP.

I am Christian and actually disagree with religious polygamy in the sense that they always seem to have their children married off VERY young. So young i'm not convinced the girls know what they are getting into. But thats another topic.

I will definitely look into OPP, because that sounds the most to what were looking for, as i've found.

BTW - RP, I truly appreciate your point of view, and values you share with everyone on the board. I get excited to check the boards here, to see what you and the other contribute. It helps a lot to have someone to talk to, and see different points of views.

Thanks,
JP