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View Poll Results: Is it possible to turn unhealthy monogamy into healthy poly?
How to introduce the subject of poly to mono friend, effectively? 3 100.00%
Once secret, always secret? 0 0%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 3. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 12-29-2010, 02:49 PM
Today349 Today349 is offline
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Hi,

I'm a newbie - with lifelong awareness and interest in poly-type relationships - almost finished reading "Polyamory in the 21st Century" by Deborah Anapol, and feel strongly that honesty, empathy and integrity are essential values to have.
I would like to hear feedback from others here about how if possible to move a potential lover from a "having an affair" approach, to talking to her husband about having an open relationship.
So far we've had some wonderful flirtations, so we are already in "having an affair" mentality, and we have not directly talked about actually becoming sexual, though it feels clear that is what she wants. I like her husband and have some evidence he suspected me of being her lover at one point, and was irritated by her behavior, more so than by mine. Since that happened I've declined to take our "affair" into sex, but continued flirtations, and worked at relating to him in a positive manner. Maybe I've already let it go too far to be able to turn it around.
"Polyamory in the 21st Century" says "unhealthy monomgamy leads to unhealthy poly", and I want the freedom that open honest poly offers, rather than the limited secret affair.
I'm thinking of taking the initiative of talking to both of them, in an effort to move in a positive honest direction, but am not sure if I am in total denial of reality, in utopian fantasy that I can simply address this complex subject like a rational adult and everyone will be happily agreeable, or what?
I'd appreciate any feedback.
Thank you all,
Todd

Last edited by Today349; 12-29-2010 at 02:57 PM. Reason: poll questions need refining
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  #2  
Old 12-29-2010, 03:12 PM
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MindfulAgony MindfulAgony is offline
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Possible, yes. Probable, no. It depends a lot on the individuals involved, the strength of the bond between them, and their willingness to work through the myriad issues that will pop up in trying to navigate the transition. My guess is that most attempts at transition fail because cheating is often a sign that something else is amiss with the relationship and with the individuals in it. There's already a clear willingness to duck those important issues. All of which increase the likelihood of failing to effectively transition.

Didn't answer your poll, because I find it hard to answer a nuanced question in that clear cut a manner.
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  #3  
Old 12-29-2010, 03:22 PM
Today349 Today349 is offline
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Hi,
Thanks for your feedback, and I apologize for the poll's ambiquity; my first time posting a poll, so I didn't know what to expect or how to phrase my poll questions.
Today
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  #4  
Old 12-29-2010, 03:48 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Today349 View Post
..............
I'm thinking of taking the initiative of talking to both of them, in an effort to move in a positive honest direction, but am not sure if I am in total denial of reality, in utopian fantasy that I can simply address this complex subject like a rational adult and everyone will be happily agreeable, or what?
I'd appreciate any feedback.
Thank you all,
Todd
Hey Todd,

Well, I think you are at least attempting to take the high road - which is commendable.

Denial of reality etc - that depends soooooo much on the individuals (reality).
And it also depends on your own philosophical makeup.

What's more important to YOU ?
Embracing an alternative lifestyle on a philosophical basis - or just having something extra for you ?

Big question you need to answer honestly

Because the answer to that will kind of guide your steps forward.

Some people enjoy and are capable of actually enjoying studying and building different (and better) models of living. It goes beyond all the love/sex talk even. They are only 1 part of the equation.

What are your friends/lovers personalities ? What is yours ?

Are you all into 'building' or just 'living' ?

GS
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  #5  
Old 12-29-2010, 04:40 PM
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good for you not taking your affair into sex. I suggest you keep it that way. IF you do a tag search for "affairs" and "cheating" and read around the sitckies you will see this is a big topic on here that comes up over and over again. Many have passed down this road before you. I suggest you take heed of their wisdom.

The ball is largely in her court with this one. I suggest you promote her intergrity. Look after your own and be as open and honest as you can using her cues to do so. Empathy is a big part of Poly as well as respect... make sure you are acting out of these two also and take your time... good things come to those that wait. It might not be this love you find fits your life, but another that comes out of the learning from this time in your life. Being open to that and not hording the love you have but expanding it is what it is all about for me... perhaps taking on this attitude will fair you well also. It sounds like you are on the path to some new discoveries and are doing well so far... keep at it and be patient.
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  #6  
Old 12-29-2010, 10:08 PM
Today349 Today349 is offline
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Hi again,

Thank you GS and Redpepper for your responses; you are both very helpful.
I felt I was on the right track, and your answers gave me more to consider. It sort of hurts to give up this opportunity, but at the same time is like, "yeah, so go on, get past it."
I really like her for herself not just for the opportunity.
GS, I am interested in building and delving into the philosophical aspects; it's nice to get good solid answers that make sense and don't pander to the sensational - very affirming of the possibility for poly in my life.
Thank you both,
Today
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  #7  
Old 12-29-2010, 10:31 PM
eklctc eklctc is offline
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One thing that is reiterated in many of the books and dialogue exploring polyamory, and should be common knowledge for any relationship, is if you don't solve the 'problem' no amount of adaptation and/or exploring will cure your issues. If the person in question wants to 'cheat' then there may be a problem that needs to be addressed in the relationship beyond possibly wanting to be polyamorous, especially, since she has yet to even attempt to discuss it. I mean, there may not be a problem but, if not, it would make me curious as to what's the issue with asking? I, also, believe it is her responsibllity to initiate this conversation with her husband not yours because it has to be her desire and, ultimately, it is their relationship that has to try to re-mold itself into what they want. It also makes it difficult when there is someone already waiting in the wings. That's unfair to the uninvolved partner because it gives the impression that they have to make a decision 'now' instead of being granted as much time as they need to ponder this idea and this change and accept or deny it. So...those are all some things to reflect on. I hope it all works out for you.
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Old 12-29-2010, 11:28 PM
Today349 Today349 is offline
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Hi Eklctc,

Good points to consider; it is her responsibility isn't it! Duh! Once again I'm responding to an implied request, repeating old baggage of guessing what is needed and supplying it asap.
Another good point about other partner feeling rushed.
Thank you,
Today
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