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Old 09-28-2010, 02:00 AM
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Default Old habits// buried or changed????

So I've seen a pattern forming within myself... I will do real good, for awhile, fighting off my insecurities. Then somthing will trigger my old insecurities and off the deep end I go.

So whats the right way to get past your insecurities??? Bury them so that they dont rear there ugly heads or ???? Can you even REALLY change, so that you dont have that insecurity?


My most destructive insecurity is that Ill end up alone because Im not wanted or loved. I've always felt that in order to be secure in a relationship, I had to be the best, number one, on top, always the focus. I've used that fear to motivate everything from my career to the quality of my life (including my relationships).

Add in POLY Now my wife is having a full blown relationship with another man. **** Im not the number one anymore, or the focus or the best**** Ok breath, and focus, so I work to bury those insecurities, I even try talking to a counselor and try to change so that I dont have those insecurities anymore. Then I meet another woman I fall for her and I thought she was falling for me. But reality is she only wants a F/B and has only ever wanted a F/B. ( She was open about that). I wanted more and I began to feel.... Not good enough, for this other woman. Only good for an occasional Fuck. So now not only am I feeling not enough for LR but Im not enough for this other woman... You see the self degrading circle????


I began lashing out at the ones that I felt were "TAKING" the love away from me. Stupid and self centered on my part.


So not only was I unable to bury the insecurity I wasnt able to REALLY change it.

If you have any other suggestions Im all ears. Im so worn out from the stress of it that I can hardly move. So ill be able to read your responses.


Maca
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Old 09-28-2010, 02:24 AM
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This is probably old advice but it has worked for me in many areas.
Pinpoint your triggers and don't focus on your reaction. If you focus on how you react then you'll never get to the root of the problem. If things are recurring, you probably aren't going deep enough. Re-think what triggers you....then go deeper. What is the issue behind the issue? You say you don't feel like you are enough for anyone. Why is that? Because LR has another man? If you are coming back to that over and over then you are missing the true reason she has GG in her life. Your not going deep enough. You have to truly believe her reasons for having him in her life to get past the cycle you've created.

Just my thoughts my friend.
Your an example on this forum and lots of people recognize the strength you have as a husband and a man.
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:11 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
So whats the right way to get past your insecurities??? Bury them so that they dont rear there ugly heads or ????
Nope - this doesn't work.


Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
Can you even REALLY change, so that you dont have that insecurity?
Change - yes. Completely get rid of you insecurities - don't know (doubt it), but you can learn how to deal with them or address them immediately so they don't build to overwhelming.


Quote:
Originally Posted by maca View Post
I've always felt that in order to be secure in a relationship, I had to be the best, number one, on top, always the focus. I've used that fear to motivate everything from my career to the quality of my life (including my relationships).
Probably great as a career builder, but if relationships really worked that way, we are all doomed. I don't believe that even careers can sustain themselves that way. No one is always going to be the best, however the ones that succeed are those that can recognize this and then surround themselves with people who can compensate for their shortcommings.

I know my bosses want me to be perfect and they expect me to strive for that, but they have much more respect for me when I fess up to a mistake immediately and accept responsibility for it insead of trying to cover it up and deny it.
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Old 09-28-2010, 03:21 AM
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My most destructive insecurity is that Ill end up alone because Im not wanted or loved. I've always felt that in order to be secure in a relationship, I had to be the best, number one, on top, always the focus. I've used that fear to motivate everything from my career to the quality of my life (including my relationships).
Is there a place for Type A's here? Ya, maybe that we want it ALL, forces us to deal with stuff that some would never ever venture into!!

Maca, you resonated with me....is there a way to win at this?

Not sure...
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Old 09-28-2010, 05:22 AM
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I know the root of my issue is not GG. I even know what/where the root of it is/began. GG is just one of the triggers that brings it back. There are other triggers. This last time around it was a woman that I had been seeing. It wasnt anything she did wrong it was just......the emotions that came with being with her.


Ill keep digging brother.

Maca
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Old 09-28-2010, 05:27 AM
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Might I reply my beloved?
[QUOTE=maca;46214]
Quote:
So whats the right way to get past your insecurities???
It's not so much a matter of right or wrong, but a matter of functional or not. The functional way to deal with an insecurity is
A. identify what it is that you are REALLY afraid of (that real word is a bitch by the way). This is not generally what the "trigger" is (see Mon's reply). It's generally MUCH deeper. It's usually something you fear in yourself or about yourself.

B. identify the realistic possibility of this thing happening. 50%, 75%, 90% chance. If it's a 90% chance, that's not insecurity-that's realistic concern. However, the lower the chances are that it will ACTUALLY occur, the less a realistic concern and more of an unrealistic insecurity it is.

C. figure out what it is that YOU do to increase or promote your fear provoked behaviors. Such as "I'm afriad that no one will like me so I don't bother to introduce myself" or "I'm afraid they won't want to be affectionate with me so I'm not affectionate with them."

D. Choose a new reaction to use when you are "triggered". Such as, "when I am meeting a new person and the fear of not being liked hits me, i will make it a point to tell them 5 things about them that caught my eye and 3 things about myself that they wouldn't know by looking at me or talkign to my co-workers" or "when i see them being affectionate and feel like they won't want to share that with me, I'm going to go up and wrap my arms around her waist, and whisper God you are sexy in her ears."

E. Force yourself to DO the action you chose in D the next time the trigger occurs.

Quote:
Bury them so that they dont rear there ugly heads or ???? Can you even REALLY change, so that you dont have that insecurity?
You already know that's a bad idea. It hasn't worked for you in your entire life. Now it's time to accept that the road you chose isn't taking you to where you want to go and pick a new road.
GREAT job by the way on asking for directions!

Quote:
My most destructive insecurity is that Ill end up alone because Im not wanted or loved.
Yes, this base fear of yours tends to rear its ugly head in every relationship of any type that you ever try to have. Unfortunately it's very painful for you and for everyone who cares about you.
FORTUNATELY-the truth is that you have never BEEN alone and you are very unlikely to ever BE alone in the sense you fear, because the TRUTH is that many people love and cherish you.
NOW you just have to learn to ACCEPT that their love is true. You were hurt by someone who used the WORDS love, but never knew that love was a verb and not a noun. But you have been surrounded for over a decade by people who know that love is a verb and practice loving every day-for themselves, for you, for your family.
That is awesome news, because it means that all you have to do is join in and you too can enjoy the benefits of the verb.

Quote:
I've always felt that in order to be secure in a relationship, I had to be the best, number one, on top, always the focus. I've used that fear to motivate everything from my career to the quality of my life (including my relationships).
And in relationships-it's failed you every time. Time to pick a road that leads where you want to go my love. That road isn't it.

You married a person who believes that
you are worthy JUST BECAUSE YOU ARE.


You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be God.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be perfect.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be #1.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be on top.
You didn't marry someone who wanted or expected you to be always the focus.

You married someone who loves YOU just because you are YOU.

That's also good news-because it means that all you really have to do is accept that YOU are loved and that you don't have to fight to be loved, because you already ARE.


Quote:
Add in POLY.Now my wife is having a full blown relationship with another man. **** Im not the number one anymore, or the focus or the best****
Yes, I am in a "full blown relationship" with another man. Yes, I love him.
But, I loved him before we married Maca.
I loved him before we dated.
I loved YOU every day that you were with Tina, the day I met GG, the years I spent getting to know GG.
I loved him enough to tell him I couldn't go through with our wedding if he didn't come back to walk the kids up the aisle in it.
I loved you enough to tell him to please come home because I wanted to marry you.
I love you both.
I have loved you both.
The only major change isn't the love or how great you are. The major change is that now you realize it. Because before you were in denial.
But-every "special memory" that we shared, existed while I loved GG and every special moment I shared with him, existed while I loved you.

Quote:
Ok breath, and focus, so I work to bury those insecurities, I even try talking to a counselor and try to change so that I dont have those insecurities anymore.
It was a good couple steps. It's just that you have to keep walking if you want to arrive at your destination. Life isn't a moving sidewalk my love, you have to keep putting one foot in front of the other and eventually you'll see that you created a beautiful series of dance steps in this insanity we call life.

Quote:
Then I meet another woman. I fall for her and I thought she was falling for me. But reality is she only wants a F/B and has only ever wanted a F/B.
(She was open about that). I wanted more and I began to feel.... Not good enough, for this other woman. Only good for an occasional Fuck. So now not only am I feeling not enough for LR but Im not enough for this other woman... You see the self degrading circle????
No, this is a self-degrading lie that your insecurities are allowing you to believe. You were ALWAYS enough for me. In the areas that you were designed to fulfil. But I my love am not ever going to fulfil your need to have a great fishing buddy and you are never going to fill my need to have a used bookstore searching buddy. That doesn't mean you aren't good enough or aren't worthy of me (to use your word). It simply means we're dynamic people with myriad interests and abilities and desires, not 2 dimensional ideas on paper.

Quote:
I began lashing out at the ones that I felt were "TAKING" the love away from me. Stupid and self centered on my part.
I'm not even sure it's self-centered. Stupid yes, because it hurts you most. We love you. You want to be loved and need to be loved. Don't push that away.
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Old 09-28-2010, 05:55 AM
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wow. Macca and LR, Thank you guys so much for being open with this. It totally counteracts the "poly peeps are just selfish/messed up/damaged" fear response i'm being met with atm by those arround me, and reinforces my belief that poly can be good and helpful and healthy Also makes me feel less alone re battling my own insecurieties, thanks (also ta for tip mono), and best to you

Peace and love

nim

Last edited by bimblynim; 09-28-2010 at 06:01 AM.
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Old 09-28-2010, 06:24 AM
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Hey Maca, missed you.

You and I are similar in so many ways. i too blow up and take everyone in my wake. Redhead syndrome?

I find that listening very carefully to those I trust is paramount in not doing that. If I feel it coming then I need to stay calm, quiet and ask for help in the form of asking them exactly what they want to hear and telling them exactly what I want to hear. Sometimes that is all it takes for the energy to change around well known triggers and cycles.

For instance.

PN-"i'm anxious and nervous about this situation"
RP-"why!?" (triggered that he is making something into a big issue where it doesn't have to be... happens often )
PN-"because I don't know what will happen and i am afraid because of that"
RP-"that is ridiculous, what's there to be afraid about! nothing is going to happen, it's all what you create it to be."
PN-"I would prefer if you would tell me that it's going to be okay and that you feel for me and that you hope I get through these feels as you don't think there is anything to be worried about"
RP-"okay, .... PN, I am sorry that the situation is causing you stress, I feel for you that you are struggling, I hope that you can get through these feelings as I don't think you have anything to worry about. If I can help in anyway, I will."
PN-"thank you love, you have already helped and I feel much better."

PN feels good, and I feel good having diverted the frustration I have to something positive, with his help. Then I get to talk about how I feel about the situation and often times, he sees things my way and realizes he has possibly made a mountain out of a mole hill.

I agree with Mono, finding the root of it all, the need you have is quite possibly the best answer to healing yourself from this cycle. At least this is what I find. Then I can intellectualize my way through the thing... I can walk through it and find all the little doors that lead to issues relating to the issues root. Once the minor issues are dealt with in terms of strategies much like the one I gave above, then the root can be pulled up for good. It takes changing your brains way of reacting to things. that is very hard. It's very hard to change the way your neurons react. But it is possible with practicing new ways of dealing with things and a whole lot of practice. Perhaps some affirmations thrown in there too.

PN just read "the brain that changes itself" by Norman Doidge, MD
http://www.normandoidge.com/normandoidge/MAIN.html
really good book and how to change your brains way of dealing with things... very interesting, maybe it will help

I do that whole "I will do everything to make you love me" thing. It's stupid isn't it? It does nothing but make me feel worse. I'm trying to turn that inward on myself... still learning and still struggling with it. For me it comes from having a mother that took love away if I didn't do as I was told or be who she wanted me to be. Sucks, but I am refuse to be a victim of that my entire life.
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Old 09-28-2010, 06:08 PM
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Default Fear of being alone...

I used to have the same fear. I felt incomplete without another person in my life. If I enjoyed a beautiful sunset or a gorgeous fall day, it was less enjoyable if I wasn't able to share it with someone I loved. My life revolved around finding a soul mate to share every significant moment with, yet I could never seem to find that person.

It seemed like such a simple thing to ask for... someone I could love with my whole heart who wasn't afraid to take all of my unconditional love and devotion and would love me unconditionally in return. Why was it so hard for me to find? My best friend at the time told me I was "trying to hard" and that I wouldn't find it until I wasn't looking for it. That made NO sense to me... how could I find something without actively looking for it? I ignored his advice.

What he meant was that I was pushing too hard... trying to make things fit when they weren't meant to. I was focusing on that other person... finding them, pleasing them, proving my love to them... instead of focusing on myself. Whenever I started a relationship, everything revolved around that other person. I was willing to give up just about every part of my life or myself in order to make things work with them. I had no center... no strong sense of self. Since I didn't know who I really was it was impossible for me to have an "essential purpose" or central goal for my own life. Instead, who I was changed depending on who I was with and what THEY wanted. Whenever I wasn't in a relationship I was lost, alone, miserable and depressed.

All of this was a function of my low self-esteem. My own desires weren't important or significant enough to me to pursue. My dreams and goals seemed like fantasy rather than real possibility because I didn't honestly believe myself capable of achieving them on my own. More specifically, I didn't feel like I deserved them unless someone else believed me worthy of love. Being in a relationship was my validation that I was a good person, that I was desirable, that my life was worth living.

I repeatedly made poor relationship choices, which is to be expected given my perspective on life. Time and time again my relationships failed... and it damaged my self-esteem even more. What was wrong with me? How could I trust myself anymore when I seemed to misjudge people over and over? The problem is that I couldn't truly KNOW someone else if I didn't know myself. I'm sure you're reading a lot about that right now in Seven Levels of Intimacy.

When another of my relationships fizzled, I was devastated and hit an all-time low. I sat at a crossroads, trying to decide what I was going to do with my life. I spent some time completely alone... went to my mom's cabin in the woods by myself, just me and my dog. I did a lot of soul searching and thought about what I wanted from life, what I wanted my life to look like... what I'd always dreamed of doing. I had been to Juneau and Ketchikan and had fallen in love with Southeast Alaska. I had promised myself at 16 years old that if I ever got a chance to live there, I would take it.

A job came open in Southeast and I applied for it and got it. You know the rest of the story. I moved to Ketchikan with my dog not knowing a single person there. I wasn't looking for a relationship, wasn't even interested in having one. I was just enjoying the freedom of pursuing my life in a new place and discovering all the new things there... giant slugs, sub-arctic rain forest, training my dog for search & rescue. That's when I met my husband.

In fact, I had about 10 different guys chasing after me when I met him. I was baffled by the fact that my best friend had been right... all of these men seemed suddenly interested in me the moment I stopped looking for love. It wasn't just that... it was my attitude and outlook on life that changed. I had learned to be happy with who I was. My self confidence increased because I had learned to RESPECT MYSELF. I wasn't trying to make every person I met fit into my mold. I wrote out my standards for what I really WANTED in a relationship and if someone didn't meet them I turned them away. For the first time in my life I was content being alone... my fear was gone and it has never come back.

I believe that the only reason for someone to fear being alone is if they don't like themselves. I know there are many reasons in your past for you to be insecure about relationships etc. etc. and I had them too. But, they are only able to control you because of your fear. If you eliminate the FEAR that gives the insecurities power over you, you will be able to control and deal with them. You need to learn to love yourself, to be happy with who you are and to stop defining who you are based on who you're with. THEN and only then will you no longer fear being alone.

Fear is the most powerful human emotion that exists. I'm sure we could all have a big debate about whether it is more powerful than love. There are times love conquers fear (rescuing a child or spouse from a burning building etc.) but there are many MANY times I have seen fear win out over love. My first love was deep, profound and intense for both me and HIM. He was an exchange student who had to go back to his own country for a year before we could start a life together. The separation hurt him so much that he ran from our love. His fear of losing "us" again overrode the once-in-a-lifetime love we shared.

It all depends on which one you allow to dominate your life. Your fear is ruling your life... and it's ruining your relationships. It comes down to the Cherokee legend I told you about the other day. I found the correct version on the internet. It's even more significant to me since I am part Cherokee myself. It didn't include "fear" but I added it in because it's true.

A Cherokee Legend

An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. "A fight is going on inside me," he said to the boy.

"It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil - he is anger, envy, sorrow, fear, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego." He continued, "The other is good - he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you - and inside every other person, too."

The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, "Which wolf will win?"

The old Cherokee simply replied, "The one you feed."



You can choose which one to feed... fear or love. I hope you choose love. I hope you learn how to FEED your soul instead of starving it. I hope you learn to let your fear go and focus on your own heart's desires. If and when you need help... you know where to find me.
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Old 09-28-2010, 06:09 PM
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Default I Hope You Dance ~ Lee Ann Womack

I hope you never lose your sense of wonder
You get your fill to eat
But always keep that hunger
May you never take one single breath for granted
God forbid love ever leave you empty handed
I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give fate a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance

I hope you never fear those mountains in the distance
Never settle for the path of least resistance
Living might mean taking chances
But they're worth taking
Lovin' might be a mistake
But it's worth making
Don't let some hell bent heart
Leave you bitter
When you come close to selling out
Reconsider
Give the heavens above
More than just a passing glance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)

I hope you still feel small
When you stand beside the ocean
Whenever one door closes, I hope one more opens
Promise me that you'll give faith a fighting chance

And when you get the choice to sit it out or dance
Dance
I hope you dance
I hope you dance
(Time is a wheel in constant motion always)
I hope you dance
(Rolling us along)
I hope you dance
(Tell me who)
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
I hope you dance
(Where those years have gone)

(Tell me who)
I hope you dance
(Wants to look back on their years and wonder)
(Where those years have gone)
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