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  #1  
Old 01-18-2013, 11:01 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Default meeting with fwb, need some advice

Hi, I'm new here!

So quick background: I live with my partner,G, our 20 month old, and his two elementary school aged children from a previous relationship. I am also five months pregnant. We have been together 3 years, always open.

This summer we made a friend, H, through a mutual friend of mine. I hooked up with H a couple drunken late night times in the early fall right before I got pregnant, once with another person she was seeing.

Three weeks ago H and G started going out together and having sex. There have been all kinds of issues between me and G over this, him not using condoms, staying out very late when he said he wouldn't, turning his phone off or ignoring my texts, lying about who he is meeting, being angry with me for being upset when he gets home from her place after these aforementioned behaviors, etc. We have talked about it and will talk more about ground rules and both of our needs.

H and I were friends before this, saw eachother several times a week. Ever since she and G started having sex we haven't been hanging out at all. I set up a meet with her tonight and she thinks all three of us should talk. I feel uncomfortable with doing that first, like we should talk, just me and H first. Is it because I feel THEY will be having the talk with ME? Is it because this conversation is really about my feelings? Is it that I want to feel safe to cry and I would rather G not be there? Is this a girl talk? Why do I resent that she wants G there? Help me out here polyfolk!
Obviously I've omitted many details for (relative) brevity I can fill in blanks, just ask.

27, F, Bisexual
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  #2  
Old 01-19-2013, 12:12 AM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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To me, it sounds as though you feel you really need to talk to each of them more separately before you are ready for an "all together" type of conversation. There are so many relationships involved (even with just three people) and each deserves its own attention.

On the You+G level you have trust/boundary issues that need to be addressed (not using condoms, staying out later than stated, etc.) - this doesn't really have anything to do with H and she doesn't need to be involved in THAT conversation - these are serious issues that he needs to be held accountable for.

On the You+H level - there are actually several relationships: You+H as lovers, you hooked up with her (and her plus another), is this something you are interested in continuing? You+H as friends, which has been absent since she and G got together, is this something you are interested in continuing regardless of her romantic involvement with either you or G? You+H as metamours, sharing the same partner, THIS is the one that might require a "three together" type of conversation.

To me it sounds like she is focusing on the "metamour" level while you feel the at the "friend/lover" level is up in the air. Perhaps you could ask her for a "pre-meeting" get together to discuss your relationship to each other BEFORE the "all-together" get together? This could happen on the same evening if everyone is on board - invite her over, plan on talking to G before she gets there, take a walk with her ALONE when she does, THEN all talk together - everyone in the same place (for support) but having alone time to talk?

Just some thoughts.

JaneQ

PS. I am MUCH more concerned with your issues with G...if these are serious enough I would ignore the H issues entirely...
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  #3  
Old 01-19-2013, 03:39 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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I'd be fine talking in trio because then you avoid the triangulation game of "he-said-she-said" type stuff. Nobody can play like they didn't know or did not get the memo. They were THERE.

But if we're going to have a meeting in trio, I want ground rules and an agenda to make sure everyone gets their points on there and gets air time in fair turns. I don't want to attend a filibuster show. YKWIM? Could agreeing to a 2 hour window max and then the same method of conflict resolution help navigate this talk? Help you feel calmer because you know what to expect going in?

It's good to know your poly people's expectations, wants, needs and limits. Is everyone bringing those to the table? What are yours?

Galagirl

Last edited by GalaGirl; 01-19-2013 at 03:41 AM.
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  #4  
Old 01-19-2013, 06:07 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Thanks for your replies. JaneQ, I think you've hit the nail on the head. G and I have a lot of trust and boundary issues to work through that have nothing to do with H and we need to do some more work on those before I am ready for the 'all three' conversation. Gala Girl, I agree we want to avoid the he said she said. In fact, H invited G over for a talk a couple weeks ago. I didn't really get much detail from G but at 11pm he was texting me that it was a breakup talk, that she didn't want to have sex anymore and by 3am they were having sex. She seems to have a lot of guilt surrounding sex and they only hook up at the end of a night at the bar , hence the very late returns. She isn't particularly poly and has never been involved with poly people before. There are also issues with her roommate, E, the friend I met her through, being pissy and passive aggressive about her hooking up with all Es friends. Anyway, I really just wanted to talk to her about her side of things, her guilty feelings, etc. And my feelings as well. I want to know if she can accept that she is attracted to and wants to have sex with G and maybe these super late night's can be avoided. I know that's probvably not up to me.
All of this may nomatter as I told hemly several times(through chat, she doesn't have a phone right now) that I wanted to meet just the two of us and she became insistent we meet as three. I kinda lost it and called the meet off because i was so upset that she was ignoring my wishes. I think I felt betrayed that our friendship didn't merit a one on one conversation. In hindsight, I probably overreacted and I fear that she will now be afraid to be honest with me about her feelings. I don't even know how to approach trying to have a talk again and I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of G seeing her again while she and I (and him and me for that matter) have all these unresolved issues.

Bah.
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  #5  
Old 01-19-2013, 07:13 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Okay let me get this straight. H is your friend and lover. G is your your partner in cohabitation and parenting as well as your lover.

G has betrayed you, lied to you, treated your feelings about these events with annoyance but you're only upset with H because she wants all three of you to talk about some issues without a one on one talk with you first?

Hopefully those issues are about why such a great friend and lover would help your other lover pull all this crap on you. H can't make G not behave this way but H could have told G to find someone else to do them with if he just has to do them. The fact that H won't talk to you one on one before a meeting with all three of you seems to be the much smaller issue at hand.

And that H has a roomate that is upset about her hooking up with all her roomate's friends makes the fact that G isn't using protection with H a HUGE red flag.
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  #6  
Old 01-19-2013, 07:54 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Easy there vincenzo. I didn't come here to be lectured about my partner and coparents' betrayal and horrible treatment of me. We are dealing with it. I don't need advice here about rebuilding that trust or how we are moving forward and that's why I asked about another, smaller less complex issue. I appreciate your concern, but I don't appreciate being condescended to. I am a real person here, not just some words on the internet, and I'm going through a really tough time. Maybe you are too, maybe you're projecting, I don't know. I came here for support and advice. Not to be told.off for my feelings. at no point did I state that I am only upset with H, and in fact I wasn't upset with her until she tried to dictate the terms of a conv ersation I thought should be between the two of us.I dont know, maybe I'm being immature. I've put the meeting with her on the backburner for now, working with G is more important to me.

Ps. We are not having sex without barriers until he gets tested. Twice. I don't really feel like having sex with him at all right now anyway if you must know.
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  #7  
Old 01-19-2013, 08:06 PM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is offline
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Quote:
I kinda lost it and called the meet off because i was so upset that she was ignoring my wishes. I think I felt betrayed that our friendship didn't merit a one on one conversation. In hindsight, I probably overreacted and I fear that she will now be afraid to be honest with me about her feelings. I don't even know how to approach trying to have a talk again and I feel extremely uncomfortable with the idea of G seeing her again while she and I (and him and me for that matter) have all these unresolved issues.
Well... could choose to own being HUMAN. We all are. Things happen.

Could choose to say something like...
"I want to apologize. I kind of lost it and called the meeting off because I was upset. I was upset because I felt like you did not value our friendship enough to merit a one-on-one talk first. I could have ASKED you about your feelings rather than assuming them. I could have TOLD you where I stood, rather than leaving you guessing.

Could I get a do over?

Yes. I am willing to meet in trio. I'd like to meet together first, just us though. That's what I wish I would have said.

Again I apologize for wigging out -- I had a human moment there. I wish I had handled it better. So I'm trying again and am willing if you are willing. "
Speak to willingness -- yours, hers, his. What IS everyone willing to put in here? Then see if the people can talk and move things forward.

Hang in there.

Galagirl
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  #8  
Old 01-19-2013, 08:24 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Thanks, GalaGirl, I think I'm going to wait a couple days and send her a message to that effect. Wait til I calm down a bit. Give her some time to mull things over. Figure out what I want to talk about with her. With both of them. Then we will try again. Was trying to get things resolved too hastily I think. I am still very raw and vulnerable.and defensive. Thanks so much again for the advice. It's really nice to have a place to turn to when I need to be heard or want some support since I don't really have anyone who can relate IRL.
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  #9  
Old 01-19-2013, 09:19 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by purpleboots View Post
Easy there vincenzo. I didn't come here to be lectured about my partner and coparents' betrayal and horrible treatment of me. We are dealing with it. I don't need advice here about rebuilding that trust or how we are moving forward and that's why I asked about another, smaller less complex issue. I appreciate your concern, but I don't appreciate being condescended to. I am a real person here, not just some words on the internet, and I'm going through a really tough time. Maybe you are too, maybe you're projecting, I don't know. I came here for support and advice. Not to be told.off for my feelings. at no point did I state that I am only upset with H, and in fact I wasn't upset with her until she tried to dictate the terms of a conv ersation I thought should be between the two of us.I dont know, maybe I'm being immature. I've put the meeting with her on the backburner for now, working with G is more important to me.

Ps. We are not having sex without barriers until he gets tested. Twice. I don't really feel like having sex with him at all right now anyway if you must know.
Nothing similar happening for me to project. And you didn't seem only upset with H; the opposite beyond your feelings about getting together for a talk.
I'm not telling you off or talking down to you. I'm sad people you care about are treating you poorly and it does tend to offended me when people treat someone poorly while claiming to care about them. Its was concern rather than condescending. I'm glad you're taking steps to protect your sexual health. I'm sorry if I touched a sore nerve.
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  #10  
Old 01-19-2013, 09:23 PM
purpleboots purpleboots is offline
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Vincenzo, I'm one big sore nerve right now.. I am usually better at telling the difference between lecturing and outraged concern.
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