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  #11  
Old 10-19-2010, 07:57 PM
Tiana Tiana is offline
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Default Entry 4

Things with John and I are going well, as usual the issue lies with my relationship with Bob.

My Grandmother and Mother have been visiting with Bob for over a week now, which has led to Bob calling me on the phone to update me on how things are going. I do have caller ID so I know it is him calling. Problem is sometimes my Mom will call from his number so I do have to answer the phone in case it is her or in case it is an emergency of some kind. This would be okay if he was just updating me on the situation with my family, however heís been using that as an excuse to talk to me about our relationship, and bring up things I am not ready to discuss.

This past weekend, he called the first time and asked about where to take my family for things to do because I knew their interests better, so I looked at the tourism website and gave him a list. Then he asked how I was doing, I gave him an answer and then he told me it wasnít what he meant. He was meaning how I was getting along in sorting through everything. Well this led into a conversation I didnít want to have yet and wasnít ready for. He asked if I still loved him, which I told him I did, it just wasnít easy to express in any way at the moment due to circumstances. He then started asking other questions, mostly ones I donít think he expected an answer for. At the end of that conversation he hung up on the edge of tears and almost had me to tears as well from the sound of his pain.

Later that day he called back, my Dad answered and I declined to answer, Dad told him I was resting and that I would call him back, which I chose not to do. The next day he called again, I was in the bathroom the first time and had just gotten home from work, so Dad answered and told him I wasnít home yet, that Iíd call when I got in. Later he called again, Dad was not home and I just simply didnít answer the phone. Again the next day he called, and again I didnít answer the phone. I was playing my MMO for most of the day and closer to dinner time I got a message from someone in the game asking me to log into instant messaging for a bit. I guessed correctly that that person had been delivering a message from Bob. At this point I was starting to feel like he was harassing me. I didnít really have time left to log into my im program anyways before I had to rush off to work.

Let me make this clear, at present I have no issues communicating with Bob, as long as it is not over the phone and as long as the relationship issue is not brought up until I am ready to talk about it, at which time, I will be the one bringing it up. The only issue I have with communicating with him is that he has not been able to keep his word thus far to not talk about it, so I have been avoiding him on imís lately as a result, and not answering the phone. I am reluctant to bring it up until after my family gets home from their visit with him. My Dad will be joining my mother and grandmother towards the end of this week and they wonít all be returning until month end.

Anyways, I get home from work that night to find an email waiting for me, no hello, no closing off the letter with his name, just one short line, the subject ďI get the hintĒ. He said he understood I didnít want to talk to him and heíd leave me alone. With such a short email, and a very open ended one which could mean any number of things I wrote him back an email of several paragraphs spelling things out in a rather harsh way (being soft till now hadnít worked) as to what I needed from him right now and why, explaining to him I felt he was pushing me away, that I felt like he was harassing me using the pretence of telling me about my familyís status as an excuse to talk to me on the phone. I begged him to give me the time I needed to heal and for him to look after himself in the meantime. It came across hard, but I didnít know how to be any clearer at this point.

He sent me back an email the next day saying heíd understood and that it took my ignoring him for him to understand what heíd been doing, that heíd been pushing the boundaries. He said heíd let me heal and not discuss things till I was ready to do so and try and focus on what was going on with him and worry less about me. So far heís kept to that, but it has only been a few days, weíll see how long that lasts. He has sent me an email since but it was only to update me on my family and he didnít mention the relationship at all.

So thatís been whatís been going on lately, it is difficult, and I donít expect things to get any easier. This coming weekend will be a tough one for me, as it is when Bob and I were supposed to be getting married, so I am hoping I can get through it alright.
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  #12  
Old 11-10-2010, 06:30 PM
Tiana Tiana is offline
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Default It's over.....(1)

It has been a very rough month and in particular a very rough past couple of days.

My family was visiting Bob in the US and Bob was calling me on the phone to give me updates, which was not something I was ready to deal with, but had to to make sure my family was alright. The moment they moved on to the next part of their vacation, I told him I wasnít ready for phone calls. He kept pushing to talk to me every night even though I wasnít ready for it. He also told me every time I talked to him over IMís that he loved me and missed me. I wanted to say it back but given I didnít know the outcome of the relationship when I eventually did tell him for a second time, now that I know for certain it is part of who I am, that I am poly, I felt awkward returning the sentiments.

Tickets and flights are booked for John and I to meet later this month. I am very excited about it and look forward to meeting him. We wonít get very long together but I still am looking forward to what time I will get.

I decided it would be best to tell Bob about the visit to meet John before I left so he didnít find out any other way and so that I was being completely honest with him and not hiding anything. I had waited until after the womenís group to do so because I was looking for some advice and reassurance before hand, I also wanted to wait till after my birthday so that I didnít hate or dread it for years to come.

Last night was the night. I did not have high hopes of our relationship being able to succeed because of something Bob and twice told me previously, that he would not compromise his religion or morals. To me I interpreted that as him not being able to understand my being poly. In the end though apparently I was told it was largely my fault for the making that assumption, but in all honestly how else am I supposed to interpret that?

The conversation did not go well, I was crying, he said he felt dizzy. I told him everything about my being poly and what it meant to me and how Iíd seen examples of how it can and does work, that Iíd done my research and been to groups to meet others who were poly and very supportive of me in my realization that I am. He said heíd apparently done some research as well and said that it was something he could live with given time to adjust. I had told him back in august I was poly. Heíd had alot of time already to adjust. Still is surprised me and was not something I was ready for. I did explain that I didnít have high hopes because of his statement (see previous paragraph), but supposedly I interpreted it wrong, and that was my fault.

I also told him about how Iíd be going to meet John soon, and that is where he had the problem. Ever since I told him I was poly and who else I loved, he has hated John. He claimed to have ďforgivenĒ him for his ďroleĒ in what happened when I called everything off for the wedding to tell him the truth. Bob said thinking about John made him physically ill and that had it been any one else he couldíve handled it. I donít control whom I love though, itís not exactly a choice, the heart doesnít work like that. He then asked me to call of the trip with John so he could have time to get used to the idea and for us to re-establish our relationship, which is not too dis-similar to what he asked me to do initially in waiting a year after he and I were to be married before I could ever meet John in person.

He didnít understand I could cancel or postpone the trip because alot of money wouldíve been lost and John did not have holidays again till the summer. Bob in the end essentially gave me an ultimatum, cancel the trip or the relationship was over. How is that fair? I love John, and I love Bob, and he was making me choose between them. The trip being cancelled never was an option, and as long as he had a problem with John I donít know that it couldíve worked out anyway. Still it didnít make it sting any less.
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  #13  
Old 11-10-2010, 06:31 PM
Tiana Tiana is offline
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Default It's over...(2)

I thought I was going to be somewhat prepared given my expectations of high failure chance going into the discussion, but part of me still clung to hope, and I guess it was that part that made it so hard. At the end of the conversations Bob said some things that greatly worried me. I asked him not to do anything rash, because when I told him august he said he wanted to throw himself out in traffic. He basically told me back, why would he do that when he has pain meds form injuring his back that would be much quicker and less painful? I rebutted and said I couldnít live with that weight on my shoulders and he basically said I wouldnít know as no one would contact me. I got very scared, but I didnít know what else to say.

I also told him in my pain after the choice had been made by him that I hoped heíd find someone more deserving of him than me, who wasnít so horrible to him, and he simply replied he wouldnít because he wouldnít be looking anymore. In the end the last thing he said to me was that he hoped I would be happy with my life and whatever I did with it.

I was an emotional wreck and I couldnít stop crying. My mom came to talk to me, but sheís very mono and though she tries to understand and accept, she really doesnít understand. She gave me hugs at least, which I needed, I cried so much I gave myself a headache. I turned to friends online for comfort in the end because they understand my being poly. John had a problem with the idea of how Bob ended it by giving me an unreasonable ultimatum, and another friend felt that Bob just really didnít want to understand me and likely wanted to change me to the seemingly mono woman that I was before I met John and realized the truth about myself.

They all told me I was loved, but I still felt dirty, and still feel dirty today, and I feel old. Iím not even 30 yet, but I feel old. I honestly donít know where to go from here. I still have John, but even though I have him, the pain isnít any less. I guess for now I take it day by day. I have to work today, and I honestly hope it will be a good distraction from my emotions. I was crying alot last night, today I canít even cry and I have a short fuse and am quick to get angry, I hope this will not get me in trouble. *sigh* I am miserable, and can only hope I will heal and recover quickly to be able to move on with my life.
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  #14  
Old 11-10-2010, 06:58 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Tiana, you aren't dirty. You did well, he doesn't get it and that is fine. Time to move on and hang out with those that do understand. Build your life up to what suits you more.

Great cake by the way, happy birthday. My co-workers loved sharing it with you and say thanks.

Hope to see you soon *hugs*
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  #15  
Old 11-10-2010, 07:07 PM
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Great cake by the way, happy birthday. *
Agreed! Happy birthday
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  #16  
Old 11-17-2010, 08:57 PM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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Tiana,

Hi! There you are! I've been thinking and praying for you for months, wondering what how you were, how your situation was developing, looking for updates on the other thread you started. How could I have been missing your blog all this time?

It looks like you're continuing to find your way with integrity and inner strength. I am so happy for you on that count, and proud of you too. And I know you're heart is broken. This is just so hard, for everyone.

Look, I only have a moment, and haven't had time to read the whole blog, so I'm going to make this quick:
If you have reason to believe Bob is a danger to himself or others, call for help. A family member, a friend who is close enough to physically go check up on him, somebody. I'm not a big fan of 911 in these situations, but I would do that, even, before I'd run the risk of someone I love harming themselves over me.
I've got to go. Everything else will have to wait. There's so much more I'd like to say to you. Just know that you are loved.
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  #17  
Old 11-18-2010, 09:40 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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Tiana,
Bob's threats of hurting himself are not your fault. Try not to carry it. You were honest with him. He's had time to get used to the idea. He's been pressuring you to talk before you were ready. I'm sorry that it's come to this for you but your heart will heal and sooner or later you'll be able to look back and see what Bob brought into your life in a positive light and he will be able to do the same as well. He might not know it yet but you have given him a gift of being honest with him before you married. To know who you both are and that in this way you aren't compatible gives you both the chance to be happy and complete in your relationships in the future. <hugs>

-Derby

PS call me if you want to go for a coffee and a chat.
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  #18  
Old 12-02-2010, 08:48 AM
Tiana Tiana is offline
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Post The Healing Process

Thanks everyone for your kind words, they mean alot.

Itís been a while since I last posted, Iím a terrible blogger. Itís been a bit of an up and down month. Since Bob decided to end things, I have been in the process of healing, though I feel Iíve made very little progress. About a week after he ended it he decided he wanted to remain in touch with me and still be friends. While I wanted this initially, I am not really sure Iím ready for it. We talked a bit for a little while over imís, but every now and again heíd mention how he was doing in such a way that it felt like a guilt trip to me, at which point I just stopped responding, and have done the same any subsequent times. Iíve also been kind of avoiding him on the imís but still encounter him in the MMO we both play, where I canít really avoid him, though we donít talk much. The times when we have talked Iíve felt awkward and uncomfortable, and thereís even been times where heís gotten under my skin and I his over stupid little things. Iím beginning to think I should just cut contact with him entirely except where it is not possible (like my MMO, not going to stop playing it just cuz of him, it is something I enjoy after all), at least until Iíve had time to heal and can talk to him without the discomfort I now feel.

Despite how uncomfortable I am talking to him right now, Iíve periodically found myself lately thinking of what couldíve been, and some regret over having lost him, alot more lately, especially with the holidays coming up. I know I shouldnít regret, because I did the right thing, I canít deny who I am, and it is not my fault he couldnít understand me, and in my head I know that telling him was best for us both in the long run as it couldíve just made things worse if Iíd kept quiet. However, I still feel these things and I still feel loss, and hurt. It saddens me and I still feel a small measure of guilt for having hurt him so much, and myself. I find myself thinking of what could have been, and the wedding I couldíve had, but I have to stop myself there and remind how if Iíd gone through with it it couldíve been more disastrous. Itís is hard, and I am trying to heal and make sense of me as a polyamorous individual.

I find myself questioning how multiple relationships would work, particularly since I find myself so glued to John at the moment and donít want to part with any time I have with him, but also because Iím still new to the whole idea and recognizing my heart for how it is. How does one balance their time between multiple lovers? True at the moment I only have one lover, but that doesnít mean in the future I wonít have another as well. Itís something Iíve been trying to make sense of and figure out.

While all this has been going on I recently got to meet with John in person for the first time. We only got to spend 5 days together but they were a wonderful 5 days and far too short. We meshed rather well and at the risk of saying a little too much I donít think Iíve had better sex in my life. There was alot of getting to know each other better (on many levels), things that wouldnít likely have come up except in person, and alot of good food, and cuddles. There was alot a bit of hypno-play and D/S play, which was rather enjoyable as well. We both cried when we had to part and even though our visit was short, I miss him terribly. I will not get the opportunity to see him again until the summer.

With the holidays coming up I am finding myself feeling down alot more often. Usually I love Christmas and look forward to the family time. This year however I am rather off kilter. I am unable to afford gifts for even my immediate family. I am in debt to John and a mutual friend for the expense of the wedding that never happened that I owed, and while neither of them expects me to pay it back, they wonít stop me if I want to pay it back either. I also discovered that my pay checks each month are covering my expenses with no extra, so Iím basically not making anything. I know in the New Year I have to find a new job as I canít continue in my present job due to frequent back pain and due to my pay rate simply not being enough. I canít work long hours due to back problems which started back in September. Given the layoff rate after Christmas my hopes are not high for finding a better job. So I have alot of financial woes, plus I feel off kilter and out of sorts given where I had expected myself to be this Christmas and things have not gone as expected, plus the inability to get gifts for anyone, the holidays are just depressing me and dragging me down.

So with all this Iím eking by, I seem okay on the outside but I have all this going on inside. Externally Iím good at hiding it, but for those who know me, and know me well, itís not hard to see inside and what Iím going through. I have alot of healing to do and it is not easy, especially the times when I am alone with my thoughts. Often I have to distract myself and tell myself itís not okay to be beating myself up or getting down over ďcoulda, shoulda, wouldaĒs. While my brain knows itís not fair and hard on myself my heart leads, and I have to distract myself. While I should be happy since itís the holidays, Iím really not in a celebrating mood and just want them to be over. It hurts to admit, and even just typing this I can feel tears trying to form in my eyes. I know healing takes time, and that itís just a matter of being patient and that with time it will get easier, but it doesnít really make me feel any better now. I just have to wait and hope that I feel better sooner rather than later.
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  #19  
Old 12-02-2010, 06:12 PM
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SNeacail SNeacail is offline
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Originally Posted by Tiana View Post
With the holidays coming up I am finding myself feeling down alot more often. Usually I love Christmas and look forward to the family time. This year however I am rather off kilter. I am unable to afford gifts for even my immediate family.
((Hugs)) What you did took a lot of guts and you sound like you are handling it well.

Go help others and make the holidays not so depressing for someone else. Collect gifts from those that can afford a little extra and take them down to the women's or homeless shelter. Go visit the elderly at a nursing home, play video games with the kids in the hospital, etc.
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Old 12-04-2010, 05:01 AM
Fidelia Fidelia is offline
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I'm so sorry Bob took it hard, and that he was hurt. And I'm sorry too that you are hurting. You did the right thing, and you've shown yourself to be a woman of character and integrity. You deserve to be proud of yourself for that.

But that doesn't lessen the pain of the loss. I know. And my heart goes out to you, dear Tiana.

As you find your way through this healing process, keep reminding yourself that you did the wise and compassionate thing by revealing your true self. As much as your heart aches now, imagine how much worse it might have been if you had waited five years, or ten, concealing the truth in your heart from your husband. Perhaps that part of you that you kept hidden would wither and die, and that part of you would be lost forever. Perhaps, instead, that part of your self would refuse to be denied, and would roar like a lion in a cage, demanding its freedom, and once loosed, who could say what damage might be done then?

No, you were right to hold fast to your integrity. Continue to hold fast, SisterWoman. Be strong. Better days are coming.

And SNeacail has given you excellent advice. Helping others, we help ourselves.
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