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  #31  
Old 09-30-2010, 07:02 AM
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Morningglory629 Morningglory629 is offline
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
But there are some truly great ones
Workin on one myself! It tis a struggle tho!
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  #32  
Old 09-30-2010, 07:27 AM
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Thanks MG for your lovely compliment

I actually think that a mono/poly relationship has been very good for me. I am a better person for being in it I think. I used to take my husband for granted and I suspect that after the NRE wore off I may have done the same with Z. Actually it is a bit of a crusade of mine that mono/poly relationships can be positive for the mono party.
http://polyamorouspeople.typepad.com...positives.html
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  #33  
Old 10-01-2010, 02:15 AM
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Originally Posted by Morningglory629 View Post
Workin on one myself! It tis a struggle tho!
Keep working my friend
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Monogamy might just be in my genes

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  #34  
Old 10-06-2010, 04:11 AM
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Just my $.02....as a mono in a poly. I don't think I'd ever do it again either if this current relationship doesn't work out. It's too complicated. As it stands right now I'm trying to decide if the compromises I make in not having the kind of time and attention I'd like with my poly partner is worth what I gain from our relationship. Can what I experience with my poly partner make up for the kind of time and attention I'd ideally like to have with him but can't due to the shared nature of poly????? That issue has been right smack in my face for the past 24 hours. And right now I'm damned confused and wishing in many ways that I'd never gotten involved in this relationship to have to sort through these issues. On the other hand, it's hard to imagine my life without my poly-partner.

My poly's partner and I get along fine. We enjoy one another's company and all 3 of us have been sharing a household for the past 3 weeks. (A temporary arrangement until my rental unit is available in a few weeks.) So, I can't blame the struggles on that particular issue...which I consider to be so fortunate. I'm not jealous of his partner per se. I'm not jealous when I think about them making love. It's just that I'd love to sleep next to him every night and not have to wait to see if I'm going to be the "chosen" partner that night. God I hate that aspect!!!!

Last edited by dragonflysky; 10-06-2010 at 04:18 AM.
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  #35  
Old 10-06-2010, 08:45 AM
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Hi Dragonfly,

Yuck, that sleeping arrangement sounds hideous. I hope it is temporary because of your living situation and that you normally have a fairer system than operating out of his whims.

It is important, I think for anyone in a polyamorous relationship to be very clear about what they want to achieve. It sounds to me as if you are currently a secondary and you really want to be at least a primary (if not monogamous).

I am a mono in a poly relationship but I am very primary. Z loves his other very much but we are committed to living the rest of our lives together (if we can maintain the quality of relationship that long). I know I always come first because our lives are so meshed. That was what I wanted in a relationship (among other things). I see the poly bits as just stuff I'm growing through.

I wish you clarity.
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  #36  
Old 10-06-2010, 01:11 PM
dragonflysky dragonflysky is offline
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Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Sage. I came into an existing poly relationship. I told our guy that I did NOT want to be a secondary. He said he didn't want me to be one either. This sleeping situation came up for the first time the other night. Prior to that he had been trading off nights, e.g., every other night sleeping with one of us, unless she was working a night shift, in which case he might end up sleeping with me two nights in a row. So, it took me by a painful and unpleasant surprise when he switched up on that "pattern"...which I had been quite comfortable with and accepting of. All of a sudden I felt pretty insecure. I guess I want my partner sleeping with me because he wants to....not because he feels like he has to. But, I'm not sure I want to have to deal with the issue of wondering whether he'll want to be with me on any given night. I think it may be time for another discussion of the issue with him. I was so hurt/upset the other night that I don't think I communicated my feelings very well to him. That damn communication stuff again!
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  #37  
Old 01-06-2011, 12:18 AM
monolicious monolicious is offline
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After 18 years of monogamous, fidelitous, marriage, my husband came out poly.

I identify very strongly as mono.

So how did I cross that line. Great question.

First- I had to put monogamy in its place. I had to ask myself the question "Who did I marry and love?" Did I marry and love monogamy, or did I marry and love my husband, the person. Yes, I loved being monogamous, but did I love that "relational state" more than the person I had it with. Another way to ask this is, "Would a monogamous relationship with someone else be better than a mono/poly relationship with a man I loved deeply and who loved me deeply?" In the end, I decided to stick with the sure, amazing love I had, rather than risk seeking exclusive mono with someone else. Mono wasn't worth losing my love.

Second- I had to embrace the change. I had to acknowledge that this was a serious renegotiation of my marriage contract. It was not what we had agreed to initially. Yes, I had every right to say "No way, this is not what I signed up for!" However, I had to keep in mind that my husband and I had changed heaps since our wedding- we are no longer the young kids we were when we made those vows (and Thank God). I couldn't possibly still be married to my husband as he was at 23 nor he with me as I was at 21. We have changed alongside one another, supporting one another. Our commitment to one another was not a promise "never to change", it was a promise to change alongside one another, and in support of one another throughout a lifetime. Would it be fair of me to have accepted all the other changes we've made (good and bad), but to reject poly?

Finally, I had to find my place in the new poly equation. I had to experiment a bit (which mostly consisted of trying a triad with my husband's OSO). I quickly discovered that I am strongly mono. Yes, it is important for me too keep that designation and title. It isn't just for a couple. I get to choose what I am in any relationship. I still get to choose to be happily, blissfully mono, even if my husband isn't. It is that freedom to be who I am that I have extended to my husband in being poly. I think it is hugely important for poly folks with mono partners to not only acknowledge their mononess, but to support it. In the poly community monogamy is often looked down upon or considered "less evolved". I really had to wade through feeling bad and beating myself up that I couldn't be poly.

The truth is I become a muddles mess in poly relationships, but I am an incredible, loyal, loving, unselfish partner when I am allowed to be my mono self. Why shouldn't I stick with the relational style I excel at?

Hope that helps cause writing it certainly helped me.
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  #38  
Old 01-06-2011, 03:35 AM
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I have yet to fully decide if I am mono or poly. I often lean towards being poly but perhaps I seem more mono because it is so rare that I meet people that I connect with romantically. I am seeing a married poly man who is married to a (in my opinion) fairly mono woman. Like Mono said, it wasn't something I sought out per se but through a series of special circumstances the relationship was formed. And I can't say I'd be eager after this relationship finishes, to jump into poly things again. It's very challenging, there are so many variables. I have no intentions of leaving my current relationship any time soon but having as many restrictions as we have (because she is mono) is difficult. Primarily in the physical realm. Honestly, you fall in love with who you fall in love with and sometimes you accept a situation because you want to be with them. And it can definitely be worth it.
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  #39  
Old 01-06-2011, 04:38 AM
monolicious monolicious is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Let me see if I can add to anything for clarity sake........

Are there women who have only been exposed to a mono culture, been presented with an option of being the mono partner of a poly love mate and have chosen that option - NOT necessarily (or purely at least) out of love or infatuation, but because they sat down, analyzed the pros & cons, and made a conscious choice (WITH an open mind) to give it a try.

A situation where it made sense and the pros seemed to outweigh the cons, even though it seem to go against everything they had learned prior ?

Curious...........

GS
I believe I have done this, though I don't believe you can ever remove the love/relationship aspect completely from any poly/mono decision process because making a decision about a relational model is about relationships (not just logic). I suppose a Vulcan could do it, but I assumed you were questing for human females

Isn't this the poly equivalent of people who choose to be poly out of pure logic before ever acting on it, rather than because they find themselves suddenly in love with two (or more) people at once and go, "Oh, hey, I must be poly."

I think you are asking about "thoughtful" decision making, rather than reactionary emotional discovery.

However, when it comes to relationships, humans are rarely logical. One doesn't know what one feels until one feels it.
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  #40  
Old 01-06-2011, 04:53 AM
monolicious monolicious is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Hey - thanks Phoenix !

Now it seems that for anyone who places considerable value on independence, at least weighing the options of poly would make sense ?
But that doesn't seem to happen.............i.e. the point of this thread.

Nice to hear from your perspective ! Thanks again.

GS
I don't know if it is independence as much as being an introvert for me (not speaking for Phoenix).

I am an introvert (meaning I gain energy from being alone but lose energy by being with people- especially a lot of people I don't know).

My poly husband is an extrovert (meaning he gains energy from being with people, but loses energy by being alone or with only a few people).

So, you can see why poly makes sense for us. I get to be alone more and he gets to be with a variety of people more.

However, where it gets difficult is that introverts can be more dependent on the few people they do have relationship with (because their support network tends to be much smaller- though very deep). Their relational energy is a precious commodity that they only invest in a few key people in their lives.

So, while I may need to be with my husband less than other married mono women, I often feel more dependent on him than the average bear.

Does that make sense?
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