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  #21  
Old 09-22-2010, 03:57 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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This is interesting. I've never had this issue w my gf. When I get home from a date w someone else, I generally tell her most of the details about it. She doesnt press me for details much, just lets me tell her what I feel comfortable telling her. And the ppl I date have never asked me to keep anything secret from her.

I know, in some D/s relationships, the Master/Mistress and His/Her sub have a contract that the sub may not keep anything private from their Master. Some are required to even keep a journal that the Master can read every night. This is seen as for the good of the sub's own personal development, since s/he has agreed the Master has her own best interests at heart. It's a kind of deep intimacy. Any other lovers the sub has, would of course be informed of the agreement ahead of time.

Now, is the Master required to be as transparent as his sub? Not so much.
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  #22  
Old 09-22-2010, 11:14 PM
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I've definitely had friends tell me personal stuff that I have never told my fiance. I don't have secrets of my own from him, but I don't consider those things my secrets - they are secrets belonging to my friends that they can choose to share or not. There have been times when he has told people stuff about me that I would rather have told them myself (or not had them know at all) and that has been something we had to fix / talk about.

So I think that it is good, and sometimes necessary for certain information to not be shared from partner A to partner C through partner B. I think it is also good to talk about it with each partner and have a precedent that everyone agrees on, whether it is "all information will be shared with my other partner unless you tell me specifically otherwise" or "no personal information / secrets will be shared with my other partner unless you tell me specifically otherwise." I think the actual nature of the agreement matters less than the fact that everyone is on the same page.

Now being shady and sneaking around, or being dishonest about where a relationship is at or who's going to be where when, is a completely separate issue.
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  #23  
Old 09-23-2010, 12:52 AM
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phoenix762 phoenix762 is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by marksbabygirl View Post
For the first time in our marriage - there are things he won't tell me, and I'm sad about that.

I had a shower with him - and as I got out I turned and said something.. and he stopped the conversation - because of something he was asked not to share with me. It made me sad that he has to watch what he says with me now

I understand the need, the right of other people to their privacy. I get it.

We've always had a 'don't ask me to keep a secret from my spouse' relationship. And that's changed. And it makes me sad

The balance is hard - how do you balance out one person's right to privacy with an established communication pattern?
Now, that...is very interesting...something-as a person who has always been mono-would never have thought of.
Yes, I can see both sides of this issue....interesting...
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  #24  
Old 09-23-2010, 05:31 AM
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I can see both sides and I've found myself in a number of positions regarding this.

There really isn't anything I keep from Maca beyond what HE has asked me to not share with him. GG doesn't give a damn what I tell Maca.

There isn't really anything I keep from GG either.

On the other hand, there have been a number of things I've requested that Maca not share with others and there have been a few things that I've asked him not to share with me about others........

I think it works best when you can take each situation as it presents itself.
If you create a "rule" to abide by-and then something comes along that doesn't fit into the rule, you have to figure out what's more important, the rule or the problem that doesn't fit in it.
Whereas-if you go with the flow of things, communicating honestly and openly about the needs for privacy or lack thereof as you go along, you can deal with each thing appropriately as it arises.

There is very little I mind Maca or GG knowing about me and I know I can trust both of them with information about each other, because we're family. Same goes with Mimi.
However, if you aren't part of the family yet, well then as far as I'm concerned, there's a whole lot of info that isn't yours to know....
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  #25  
Old 09-23-2010, 02:40 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by LovingRadiance View Post
I can see both sides and I've found myself in a number of positions regarding this.

I think it works best when you can take each situation as it presents itself.
If you create a "rule" to abide by-and then something comes along that doesn't fit into the rule, you have to figure out what's more important, the rule or the problem that doesn't fit in it. ...
One of the reason for our big blow up in Communication yesterday was because I 'suggested' an agreement - reading that chapter in the Ethical Slut now! It sort of made sense, since I find myself feeling jealous/envious/bitter mostly when things are sprung upon me! C is VERY fly by the seat of her pants and all over the map a lot, which I can be too, at times, but no where close to her universe roaming!

My idea was that we try to give each other notice, especially when hubby and C wanted to do things exclusively....which hasn't happened often, if ever, yet.

I realize that this is a 'control' thing on my behalf, but to be fair, this love affair was suppose to NOT go on so long...and certainly at the beginning, had all 3 of us MORE involved (as mentioned!).

So, now....I am torn between letting go of the reigns and what will happen, will happen or 'trying' to keep it all 3. Both options, for me, are NOT that great. I realize this.

Ug...a bit of a mess....thrown together with a whole lotta fun and good times. It all is very confusing....

Thanks for listening..
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  #26  
Old 09-23-2010, 04:20 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Tonberry View Post
.Now if either one had a secret, I wouldn't share it with the other without their consent. But I tend to like the idea that I don't have to hide things from them.
I think this is an important thing to remember. You sharing YOUR "stuff" with either of them is YOUR choice. You also recognize that you sharing THEIR "stuff" is up to them as individuals as to the pertinence of their intimacies being shared with another. Whether you are a primary or a secondary or a tertiary, if you intimate something to your lover that is not for his/her OSO's knowledge, then that should be respected, not subject to discussion or some far-reaching "boundary" set by the OSO. There is a level of trust that should not be breached. An OSO should have no say over another OSO's sharing with a lover- it is important that each relationship have its own independence. That is just a little too controlling in my opinion. I agree that openness in a relationship is paramount, but that does not include me HAVING to know every exchange or "secret" my lover's spouse has shared with him, and vice-versa. Unless it directly impacts me then that would be an invasion of privacy.
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  #27  
Old 09-23-2010, 06:48 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post

My idea was that we try to give each other notice, especially when hubby and C wanted to do things exclusively....which hasn't happened often, if ever, yet.


P2
This is totally reasonable in my opinion.
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  #28  
Old 09-23-2010, 07:33 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PollyPocket View Post
One of the reason for our big blow up in Communication yesterday was because I 'suggested' an agreement - reading that chapter in the Ethical Slut now! It sort of made sense, since I find myself feeling jealous/envious/bitter mostly when things are sprung upon me! C is VERY fly by the seat of her pants and all over the map a lot, which I can be too, at times, but no where close to her universe roaming!

My idea was that we try to give each other notice, especially when hubby and C wanted to do things exclusively....which hasn't happened often, if ever, yet.

P2
FYI-I consider it a good idea to take situations about PRIVACY as they come.
However, we DO have a boundary list and it's VERY intricate and detailed to meet the needs of each of us.
For example, we DO schedule alone time.
We don't move from friendship into any type of affection beyond a simple hug without prior approval from our SO.
Each step forward in a relationship goes through approval from our SO.
I don't have sex with GG when Maca is home.
No sex with others in SO's bed or shower.
No overnights with others if SO is available.
(it goes on and on).

I think a boundary list IS VERY IMPORTANT.
It just so happens that "privacy" is on our boundary list-but it's not put so specific that we can't work with it circumstantially...

"Privacy of SO will be respected and personal information/details about them will not be shared without their permission."

That gives us freedom to work with it. As a rule of thumb, within the boundary of our family-it's no big deal. But outside of the family dynamic-we double check.
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