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Old 11-16-2014, 12:21 AM
BeccaDuine BeccaDuine is offline
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Default Broken Triad

Hi. I had a previous post months ago (Here for reference...). I'll recap, anyway.

I moved in to help out two friends that were married, referred to in short as Sonya and Rinae. Things went... a little whirlwind quickly. I had liked them for a long time already, probably around 2 years, but had trouble approaching the poly angle since I wasn't sure of their stance, though it took just a few weeks to learn after stolen glances and grins.

Rinae and I are close in ages and bonded quickly already as friends, and as partners it was an easy fit. Sonya wasn't as easy. She expressed her dismay at how slowly things with myself and her were progressing, mostly vocalizing it with sex as her best comparison. I tried hard to show her affection, do things with her. I tried to even share one of my favorite series. The more I tried, the more distance there was.

Rinae didn't normally sleep with us as she had mecial issues that made it almost too painful. I sleep far less than they do and normally would spend weeks awake alone. When things synced up again, I would hear nothing except on how Sonya had missed Rinae and I wasn't a second thought. I admittedly had a depression flare up after months of this and clung and broke down too easily over a missed hug or anything (One thing that stuck up was Rinae getting up, hugging Sonya, getting soda and leaving it on the counter, hugging Sonya again, turning around to what I thought was her coming back to me, but grabbing the soda, Sonya hug, sitting down). I felt horrible getting upset over these things, but had trouble communicating otherwise because Rinae and I agreed to baby Sonya's depression as much as we could, to make her feel more important.

I know that both of those are one of the worst things we could do. I was becoming mentally sick, as was Rinae, and Sonya stopped trying to get medical help because she thought things were fine there. It also hurt our communication severely, which may have saved us the falling out that happened...

To make things as short as possible, I broke down again over a stupid thing where I felt alone and forgotten again, Rinae came clean about being so broken and suicidal, and Sonya said she didn't love as more than a friend. That broke me worse than anything, as she made so much of a fuss over me not loving her enough. She said she couldn't do a poly relationship. Things couldn't even be a V because of that.

I'm broken, not able to avoid them due to friend circles, and am very much still in love and confused. I know no one could really help me fully, but has someone been dumped by a couple, even when one obviously still wants the relationship? Any advice on how to handle that or having to see the exes? Or anything else, really... I have no one to talk to about this except a few mutual friends.
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Old 11-16-2014, 02:00 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is online now
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*hugs* I've been there, and it hurts like hell. If you do a search here, you'll find a lot "unicorns" with a similar story (not that it makes the hurt less, of course). I've found that, no matter what the couples say, most women in a MF LTR have veto power, and stopped dating couples entirely after my last foray into that realm. Most of the "unicorns" I know have done the same, because the hurt is so frequent. There are exceptions, I'm sure (some that are here), but, in the real world, it seems pretty infrequent that a "third" female doesn't get dumped because the wife/GF feels threatened/jealous/suddenly can't handle it/whatever. It is also worth remembering that Rinae allowed this veto, and allowed Sonya to dictate rules; so, while you still love him, he did not choose a path that kept you as a partner, which speaks to what the long-term relationship with the two of them and you may have been like (uneven, precarious, etc.). While it may not seem so right now (and I know it doesn't, because there are days I still get deeply upset and hurt over the last time this happened to me), it is probably for the best this dynamic came out now, rather than when you were all even more entangled (living together/kids/finances/etc)

All you can do now, really, is focus on you, and your life, your healing, and your happiness. Take time to eat, and sleep, and do things you like that help you relieve stress. Having to see them must be difficult, and that is a situation I am fortunate to have not faced. Without altering your social life, I am not sure there's much you can do about it except treat them with civility and try to have fun with other folks who are there. Can you seek out some new friends to augment your current social circle, ones who do not know them, that you can hang out with sometimes?

My heart goes out to you.
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Old 11-16-2014, 02:21 AM
GalaGirl GalaGirl is online now
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I am so sorry.

Sonya has broken up with you. And she does not want to participate in a polyship. (You + S)

Are you confused because the rest of the dyads have not check in? For example...
  • Has Rinae also broken up with you? Does Rinae not want to participate in a polyship? What is it on the (You + R) front?
  • How do Rinae and Sonya feel about each other? How is it on the (S + R) front?

Is Rinae being treated for suicidal thoughts? That's pretty grave. That could take top priority here.

Galagirl
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Old 11-16-2014, 02:52 AM
BeccaDuine BeccaDuine is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by GreenAcres View Post
*hugs* I've been there, and it hurts like hell. If you do a search here, you'll find a lot "unicorns" with a similar story (not that it makes the hurt less, of course). I've found that, no matter what the couples say, most women in a MF LTR have veto power, and stopped dating couples entirely after my last foray into that realm. Most of the "unicorns" I know have done the same, because the hurt is so frequent. There are exceptions, I'm sure (some that are here), but, in the real world, it seems pretty infrequent that a "third" female doesn't get dumped because the wife/GF feels threatened/jealous/suddenly can't handle it/whatever. It is also worth remembering that Rinae allowed this veto, and allowed Sonya to dictate rules; so, while you still love him, he did not choose a path that kept you as a partner, which speaks to what the long-term relationship with the two of them and you may have been like (uneven, precarious, etc.). While it may not seem so right now (and I know it doesn't, because there are days I still get deeply upset and hurt over the last time this happened to me), it is probably for the best this dynamic came out now, rather than when you were all even more entangled (living together/kids/finances/etc)

All you can do now, really, is focus on you, and your life, your healing, and your happiness. Take time to eat, and sleep, and do things you like that help you relieve stress. Having to see them must be difficult, and that is a situation I am fortunate to have not faced. Without altering your social life, I am not sure there's much you can do about it except treat them with civility and try to have fun with other folks who are there. Can you seek out some new friends to augment your current social circle, ones who do not know them, that you can hang out with sometimes?

My heart goes out to you.
Heh... Living together... Right... Dodged that... Unfortunately, I didn't... It was greatly suggested I move out the first time I made a thread, and I had every intention of doing so, but it turned into something not financially feesable. Sadly, still isn't and I'm feeling trapped by it.

I have friends outside the circle and tried to find comfort there, but I'm pulled back into the reality I'm still around them quickly. This break up is still very fresh and is bringing out the worst in me...

Unicorns... Funny, they called me that for another reason and it's still something to describe me... I feel highly stupid for even trying, and I'm sorry for your past and wish there wasn't someone that had this pain, but it's giving me a solid backing for how stupid I feel.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GalaGirl View Post
I am so sorry.

Sonya has broken up with you. And she does not want to participate in a polyship. (You + S)

Are you confused because the rest of the dyads have not check in? For example...
  • Has Rinae also broken up with you? Does Rinae not want to participate in a polyship? What is it on the (You + R) front?
  • How do Rinae and Sonya feel about each other? How is it on the (S + R) front?

Is Rinae being treated for suicidal thoughts? That's pretty grave. That could take top priority here.

Galagirl

I'm confused because while Rinae has checked in with agreeing against continuing the relationship, she still shows interest in it and pain instead of pity when she looks at me. I've tried to talk to her about it, but she's guarded now.

Sonya and Rinae seem fine on the outside, but I don't know... I've had fears of this thing happening and forming any kind of resentment between them...

I'm probably stepping bounds, but I will be trying to get Rinae back to her counselor to help with her suicidal thoughts... And getting myself one for my own.

Last edited by BeccaDuine; 11-16-2014 at 02:57 AM.
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Old 11-16-2014, 03:15 AM
GreenAcres GreenAcres is online now
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Becca, Oh, dear, I didn't realize you were living with them. That has to be a very special kind of hell, and I am so sorry you find yourself without other options. Given the situation is one that could go very south very quickly, making it a priority to find another living situation seems like an all-around good idea, though I realize it could be tough. But, it can't be healthy for any of you to live under that kind of stress right now. Are there any relatives or friends you could stay with, or at least stay some nights with, to get you out of the house?

And, you're not stupid. The desire to be loved and to love is strong, normal, and healthy. A triad of three people loving one another "equally" is a poly ideal for many, and when it works, it can be pretty damn amazing. It's also, unfortunately, probably the most difficult configuration to find and sustain, and blows up catastrophically more often than not. It can be almost like three times the hurt, because you lose three relationships all at once (triad, and 2 duals).

Rinae may be "on board" with no polyshipping for reasons other than not caring about you. She may care about/love you, and it may hurt her to not have a relationship with you, but feels she simply cannot endanger Sonya's mental health. Or, she may not have the energy to deal with all of this on top of her own depression. She's chosen not to work it out with you, or talk to you about it, it seems, so you can't know; but, she's made the choice. Hopefully, for her own well-being, she'll see a counselor about her depression.

*hugs*
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Old 11-16-2014, 02:02 PM
BeccaDuine BeccaDuine is offline
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I wish that was the case. I came here for my own benifit of leaving my family (Loooooong story and another can of worms). My friends have either moved around so much where they're beyond range or beyond compaciity or unable with their living arrangements to make any kind of accomidation. There's one that realllly wants me out of here for my health, but she's two states away and I couldn't put the stress of having my dog and me on her.

Specialy kind of hell really doesn't do this situation justice. Nothing beats having a good moment, being bale to see them calm, me calm, and having an "I love you" slip... I nearly broke down again after...

I'll still feel stupid. If for no other reason than this is the second time it failed for me, but... It's taught me I can do this kind of relationship, and want it, with or without them. And after I get myself squared off. I'm not going to allow anyone the chance to pull me down again because they need someone more stable, which looking over things is how it went...

Thank you for all the hugs and caring so much!!!
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