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Old 11-16-2014, 09:22 AM
brokenheartlove brokenheartlove is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2014
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Default Abusive Metamore

The woman I love is in an abusive relationship, I'm sitting here watching this cycle play out. No idea what to do. It's killing me.
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Old 11-16-2014, 03:18 PM
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graviton graviton is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Michigan
Posts: 317

Don't get involved. If its emotional abuse you will make things worse if you try to white knight your way into the middle of it. I think all you can do is inform her of what you are seeing from your perspective and then distance yourself. She is an adult in HER relationship. She needs to find the strength to fix it or leave it.

If it is physical abuse then inform the authorities of your suspicions and let them deal with it.

Let me repeat this...DO NOT TRY TO FIX THIS...YOU CAN'T. Take it from someone who has experienced this first hand and has seen it play out.

Another thing to consider is the dynamic between the couple. What part does she play in the abuse? Is she also abusive? Is it one sided? Did the abuse only start once her partner found out that she has another lover? Try to see things from both of their sides and understand that you may look like a selfish interloper "hoping" that they break up so she runs into your arms. What if she holds resentment towards you for getting involved and complicating things by stirring the pot and causing their breakup? There are just too many ways to get burned. Step back.

Last edited by graviton; 11-16-2014 at 04:10 PM.
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Old 11-16-2014, 07:20 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885

Honestly id just leave. That stuff is going to infect your relationship and cause you issues. Staying is just going to be drama
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Old 11-16-2014, 10:19 PM
Candiedlove Candiedlove is offline
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 272

The easiest thing to do is leave. I don't know anything about your relationship, but...unless you can somehow cut that toxic metamour out of your life, I'd move on.

I stayed with a partner with an abusive partner. But I made it clear, once I realized what was happening, that a condition of my staying was them keeping that person out of my life. Actually, I never even had to do that, he told me himself that he wouldn't let that toxic person around me.

I hate ultimatums, but I think, for my own sanity, I would have had to leave him, even then, if he had not decided to leave her.

I know it sucks, but please know that you can't help a partner who refuses to help themselves.
Newly poly, but never monogamous

The "polyship":

Me 28F,
Sam 39M, my partner
Jen 38F, Sam's fwb & my friend

The former players:
Candi 41F, Sam's and my fwb/emphasis on the "f"/light on the "b"
Felycia 29F, Sam's and my fwb?/potential girlfriend
Leana 29F, Sam's and my girlfriend
Charlene, Sam's ex-wife
Paul, Charlene's boyfriend
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Old 11-17-2014, 01:36 AM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 13,519

Hi brokenheartlove,

The most you can do is offer your advice if this woman you love asks for your advice. If she doesn't, then you need to let her figure it out on her own, which I know is a painful thing for you to see.
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
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