looking for advice

[SNeacail]

Spend some time reading through the blogs and other posts. You will notice, those that have poly relationships that are working are putting a HUGH amount of effort on both fronts and still the emotions are all over the board. The balancing act is important.

If you truely want to stay married, I think you need to work on making that relationship the best it can be. Some of us find it easier to distance ourselves from people and keep from getting too close, which make it easier to walk away. This is not necessarily a good thing, unless you're a military brat.

[redpepper]

Originally Posted by figuringitout

and now after taking some time to sit with the responses, I think I can respond more clearly.

RP,
thanks for the blunt comments. I think the reasons I am not leaving are:
1. I do care for him and he doesn't want our relationship to end, and I don't want to hurt him more than he is already hurting.
2. The fact that we have a child together. Our daughter means the world to both of us and I don't want to destroy their relationship.
3. I feel like it would be such a disappointment to so many people who know and love us and our relationship (stupid reason, huh?).
4. I'm scared that this is all NRE and then I will regret it later.

I do think that I still love him, but I'm struggling with whether I love him as a friend or more than that. It is hard to just sit and wait because of lots of factors, but primarily because I want to see where the other relationship is going. I want to give it everything I have, I want to let myself submerge in it, and I can't do that now. I do know that that is probably NRE talking, but it's strong and deep and hard. The connection I feel with this other man is beyond anything I have ever felt and I hate not being able to let it run its course. I am finding myself resentful of the time I have set aside for my DH, and I don't like feeling that way. Is all of this normal? help.

Thank you for your honesty and making yourself vulnerable in talking about this. I went through the same thing almost identically. I would have that same list you do and wonder the same things sometimes. I don't so much now after 20 months and 18 months writing on here. I have taken the time, which is why I suggest it... it's still in the works. I still struggle with what the heck I am doing and what it all means... now though I leave it alone and check in with myself about my "love" meter where PN is concerned. I really sit and look at him, feel his presence and decide the same thing every time. I love him. Whatever that means I do...

I understand entirely the feels you feel for your boyfriend. You are not alone in this. Any of it. Take refuge in that and take a breath. All will be revealed if you allow some space for it I think.

Originally Posted by SNeacail

If you truely want to stay married, I think you need to work on making that relationship the best it can be.

I agree with this wholeheartedly... I can't tell you how much it has helped to put myself out there for PN by addressing his needs. Sometimes its been the last thing I have wanted to do, but I have and did and it's better because of it. My time with him is better, my time with Mono is better and I feel good about myself and what I have given to create harmony. I am in this NRE, not PN, it isn't fair to him that I simply push him and years of us being together aside because of my passion for others. It became more tricky when Derby became my girlfriend and we haven't really sunken into what that all means yet. I have been too busy dealing with other issues... one thing at a time and all in good time.

[GroundedSpirit]

Hi Figuring,

I just would like to add that all this intensity (the 'mushy' stuff you refer to) passes - or at least dies down in phases only to revive. It's a normal part of a mature relationship. I'd urge you not to misread what is a perfectly normal evolution in your relationship.

That being said, there are a lot of things you can do to try to restore some of that. Doing special things together that remind you why you connected with each other in the first place can be a huge help. I've seen (even in my own) relationships that drift, refocus, come back together even stronger, albeit in maybe a slightly different way. But these 'different' ways can often be better, healthier !

We're a society of adrenaline junkies and that often applies to relationships. We want for that high intensity experience (often referred to as the NRE phase) to last forever. But that's really unrealistic. Life, and relationships are simply not like that ! Don't let that disillusionment overshadow something that may otherwise be very beautiful

This really has nothing to do with 'poly' yet, except for the substitution of some seeming lost intensity. Just acknowledge it for what it is and don't read more into it. You need some additional intensity ? That's ok ! You may even be able to find this together ! That's what (given what you wrote initially) I would strive for. Something you can SHARE, that will pull you back together.

Then you have a win/win for everyone including the children

Try it you may like it

GS