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Old 09-16-2010, 12:19 AM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Default bounce back from hurt feelings

So, I'm on this self improvement kick right now. I have been having alot of personal growth. It feels great to be more in tune with myself, but the growing pains are never fun.

Anyways, with all of this self analysis I have discovered that it takes some time for me to "bounce back" from hurt feelings and am wondering if this is just my healing process or if its something I need to improve upon. For example, last night Bud asked if his daughter could join my daughter's bed time story before he brought her home. I said yes. His ex was running late otherwise they would have left earlier. During the story she called and said she was back home. ( A little more info. She is a control freak and uses the fear of losing his child against him. So when she says jump he asks how high.) He came into the room in the middle of the book with full intentions of taking his daughter and leaving right then. He didn't say this. I just knew. He saw that we were almost done so he waited. They gave her hugs and kisses and I went to give mine and cover her up. I would have been finished in less than 30 seconds, but he felt he must leave right then so he interrupts while I'm saying "I love you. Sweet Dreams" to tell me they are leaving. My feelings were hurt by this.

When he got back we talked about it. Squared it away. He said he was sorry. I accepted his apology. And I should be fine after that, right? I wasn't. While I felt the problem was resolved I was still upset over it. I fell asleep with lingering feelings about it. Now I am puzzled. He moves on instantly. I need time to bounce back from my hurt feelings. Is this okay or is it something I need to improve upon?
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Old 09-16-2010, 03:11 PM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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This is me, to a T. My "turn around time" is getting shorter, but I suspect I will always have a little of this. The two things that have helped the most:

1) Make sure the other person knows that it takes you additional time to process emotional hurts and forgive and forget, even if your rational mind is ready to move on. You're not wrong to feel pain, but you would probably be wrong to act on it if you have already resolved the situation with the other person.

2) If you're not ready to accept an apology when it is offered, (as calmly as possible) explain to the other person that you're still upset and you will come to them when you are able to talk about it. It's important that you follow through on this though!

It also often takes me a while to discuss anything that has made me emotional, whether it was my fault, someone else's fault, or shared blame. Both my partners know that I will come to them when I am back to being a sane person if something needs to be discussed. They give me the time and space needed and wait patiently, because I always follow through and COME BACK.
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Old 09-16-2010, 05:26 PM
Vinccenzo Vinccenzo is offline
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You're the opposite of me. I am the queen of delayed reaction. Something will happen and I do register somewhere in my mind that *something* isn't right, but what that something is and how I feel about it might not occur to me for hours or even days. Or even I can talk about something that bothered me outright and hear the other person explain it to me and I'll feel fine - then BAM! two days later I realize their explanation caused me to be more bothered than before.

I wish I could be more like you rather than giving someone the impression that everything is cool only to have it clearly form at a later date and leave them feeling blindsided.

Just tell him you appreciate the apology but that your hurt feelings don't insta mend. Is there something he could have said/done differently that would have made you feel better right away?
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Old 09-16-2010, 08:43 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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You know I've actually been thinking and I realize now that there was more to my hurt feelings than we covered. Right now I know that I have a fear of what our life will look like for the next 14 years with the control she has over him. I didn't realize it was there, but subconciously I have a fear of my being upset over things like this coming between him and I. That she will... Idk take him over to the dark side and it will have a negative impact on our life, my life, and my daughter's life, and the relationship our daughters will have together.

So yeah, I was hurt because it was rude and I guess it had triggered a fear that I wasn't aware of at that time. Maybe you and I aren't so different after all. I'm going to start keeping track of this because I'm curipus as to if I just need time or if there's something deeper that I'm not seeing, but am sensing on some level.
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Old 09-18-2010, 12:02 PM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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This thread is very interesting to me re: the way different people deal with hurt feelings. I haven't got anything constructive to offer but this was a great little nugget for me. I can use this. Thank you.
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Old 09-18-2010, 12:58 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
... She is a control freak and uses the fear of losing his child against him. So when she says jump he asks how high...

....he must leave right then so he interrupts while I'm saying "I love you. Sweet Dreams" to tell me they are leaving. My feelings were hurt by this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ilove2men View Post
... I have a fear of what our life will look like for the next 14 years with the control she has over him. I didn't realize it was there, but subconciously I have a fear of my being upset over things like this coming between him and I. That she will... Idk take him over to the dark side and it will have a negative impact on our life, my life, and my daughter's life, and the relationship our daughters will have together.

So yeah, I was hurt because it was rude and I guess it had triggered a fear that I wasn't aware of at that time.

Your second post is what ocurred to me when I read the first one. He's poly, but she's jealous, it sounds like. It's very unethical to use their daughter as a pawn to control the relationship between you and him!
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Old 09-18-2010, 01:56 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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He is actually mono. I'm the only poly. She doesn't know that we are together, but she has her suspicions. The thing about her is she was very controlling when they were together. He wasn't allowed to go anywhere with out her. He lost all of his female friends. Ect ect. When he left her she hid his daughter from him for 2 or 3 months until they finally had their court date to start the divorce. Now that she has no control over his life she uses their daughter to control what she can.

It's very upsetting to watch. He has given up weekends for her because they had something big to do, but he cannot get the same in return. (which he has stopped giving up days) I sit quietly as best I can because my opinion and frustrations are irrevelant. But I do speak up when iit effects my daughter. Soon he will be going back to court to tweak the custody arrangement. I am hoping that they grant him a little more freedom. It's very hard to watch her toy with him this way and more freedom from the court could put him at ease and myself as well. My fears of her control would lessen I'm sure.
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Old 09-18-2010, 02:11 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Oh, he's divorced from her, but still asks how high when she says jump, bc he's trying to look like a good dad for the courts.

Sorry it's affecting your relationship w him. Hopefully the custody thing will resolve soon, so it wont be such a factor anymore.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37
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Old 09-18-2010, 02:46 PM
Ilove2men Ilove2men is offline
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Yes they are divorced. It's not really about him looking like a good dad. It's more of if he is 5 minutes past what the custody papers say she will try to say he is in contempt. She is always chomping at the bit to take her away from him. Which I think is very stupid of her. He is an amazing father.
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