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Old 09-15-2010, 07:00 PM
cattwoman cattwoman is offline
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 6
Default Nervous but excited...

Tonight will be one of the first times that I will be with both T (Hubby) and A (wife) in almost 2 months. We had taken a "break" from the 3 of us together while she figured out her feelings about this and received some counseling for depression. She was really struggling with Ts feelings for me (he admittedly is in love with us both) and her feelings about this relationship. I respected her need for space and time to deal with her concerns and gave her the time needed to sort some things out. She encouraged him to continue to text with me (since that is the sole form of communication acceptable in our relationship) and we have continued with her blessing and out feelings for each other have continued to develop. It became more about he and I having this outside relationship. The problem is that over this time my feelings for her have changed some-before I was sexually and emotionally attracted to her... She is beautiful and sexy-so the physical is still present (i have never been this physically attracted to another woman and am not physically attracted to women typically)... The problem is that the emotional feelings arent there yet... Im afraid of her continued concerns about this and im a little scared of getting hurt again by her emotional roller coaster... She is fine and even ecourages the sexual aspects of our relationship however while she is interested in the emotional aspects of our relationship that defines us as poly she is concerned of Ts strong emotional feelings for me. She was the one who initially encouraged their poly lifestyle and wants to share a gf with T but I think was surprised at the strong development of feelings that t and I have. My feelings are exponentially stronger for T that for her but primarily because she repeatedly pushed me away not understanding her own concerns about his feelings for me (her own words). After almost 2+ months of her exploring therapy and space from out relationship she is wanting to reconnect... We are planning a reality show marathon tonight... While I am excited to see T (excited really doesn't describe...I have longed to see him again) and sexually excited to be with them both again i am worried that my feelings for her are different. I am hoping that as we start seeing each other with more consistency that my feelings for her will resurface again... Im afraid that if they do not what that may mean for T and I. I am terrified of loosing him in my life-I am in love with him!!! I know I am capable of caring about her-I just cant go back to caring about her in that way with all of the history that has occurred between she and I. Emotionally I am very cautious of opening up to her again for her to get "cold feet" again. I did go and see them a last weekend-we had an early morning rendezvous before I had to be at work (I met T as he was getting off of work and we both woke A up-her idea). We had amazing sex together though at first it was a bit awkward at first-and she admittedly had reservations initially. But we quickly fell into the normalcy of our sexual relationship. It was a bit awkward socially and I was a little grateful that I had to leave for work... Tonight however the plan is I come over tonight and we watch tv and do nails (our little special bonding girlie thing)... Im just worried about initiating the more social aspect of the relationship... i know sex will be amazing and looking forward to that aspect but Im nervous about my feelings towards her... ... I guess more than anything I just needed to vent but I'll gladly accept anyone's advice or words of support...
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Old 09-15-2010, 07:32 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: New England USA
Posts: 1,231

Hi Catwoman,

Maybe if I just remind you of a couple basic, foundational elements of multi-relationships it may help you keep some perspective. In the meantime I suggest you continue to do lots of reading and talking to experienced people.

So here goes.............

1> The connections we form with different people are ALL different in nature. It's always a trap to fall into a 'more' or 'less' comparison. It just isn't that way.
That fact that you and he may have (initially) connected more deeply on some basis or another has nothing to do with the connection you form with her.

And maybe more importantly, ALL this is subject to change in the future. It could completely flip-flop over time ! So if you intend to navigate multi-relationships you need to develop a skill of just letting this flow and accepting them as they are - at the MOMENT !

2> A similar concept is going to apply to time. If you continue you will be sharing time as well as emotion. Time is finite. There WILL be times where conflicts occur, someone may be inclined to feel slighted etc. Get used to it, and practice building solid, non-confrontational communication skills so you can work through it without it wreaking havoc unnecessarily. Try to learn to ALL seek balance - NOT equality ! There is a difference

If you work as a team and don't allow some competitive wall to grow between you and her then it's quite likely your bond will grow deeper - if in a totally different (and maybe surprising) direction. Keep an open mind and try to be flexible

As the old lyrics wisely said...........

"We don't always get what we want - but if we TRY - sometimes we get what we need"

Good luck and stay tuned.

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Old 09-15-2010, 09:43 PM
anotherbo anotherbo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Homer, Alaska
Posts: 133

Your situation is reminding me strongly of PollyPocket's current journey, but from an opposite perspective.

Some of the difficulties in adding a third to an established marriage or relationship seem to be about power. It sounds like A has exercised her power in a way that makes it harder for you to trust her, and feel safe loving her. After all, a break in your 3-way relationship means you are out in the cold, while T and A are still together.

Of course, A is probably feeling threatened and scared as well, and more than likely that's what made her feel the need for a break.

GroundedSpirit said:

If you work as a team and don't allow some competitive wall to grow between you and her then it's quite likely your bond will grow deeper - if in a totally different (and maybe surprising) direction. Keep an open mind and try to be flexible
This and the rest of GS's post sound like great fundamentals to follow in making this relationship work.

Best of luck!

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