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Old 09-12-2010, 01:42 PM
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Breathesgirl Breathesgirl is offline
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Default How....

does one go about being supportive of a loved one when he's bowing to societal norms!

A little back story: Breathes works with someone whom he might like to date. They were doing things like trading back rubs, etc. on their own time. His boss & co-workers are not supportive (one co-worker in particular). He has had his shifts rearranged by the boss so they no longer work together for any length of time, can't arrange time when they are both off work & transportation is available & the one co-worker makes snide remarks if he even says "Hi" to Lora (name changed for privacy), let alone actually having any sort of relationship with her, platonic or otherwise.

A little further back just for frame of reference: A few years ago we went to the Christmas Party, there was dancing & merry making. I can't dance worth anything so he was out on the dance floor with others, flirting with one in particular, & having fun. Co-workers were wondering when I would go out there and clean the clock of the one he was flirting with.

I've noticed lately that he's not as happy as he could be, was just a few months ago. I've asked him about Lora & what's going on there. I've even suggested he call her & invite her over when I'm not going to be here or on outings where we're going to be so they can spend some time together. "I forgot to call her" is the most common response.

I'm upset that his co-workers are making him feel this way but I'm also upset because neither one of them has stood up to Miss Snide Remark and told her to stick it where the sun don't shine!

When he's not as happy, I'm not as happy which is not conducive to good times .

I've even talked to his BFF since he will often hear what she says even if she says it in the same way I say it---different perspective/person saying it maybe?

I'm thinking a couple of things:

1. It's time for him to find another job since it's becoming increasingly clear that he's not happy there any more and becoming less so as the weeks go by.

2. I'm going to spend some time with Possibility shortly and I should text her and ask her to come over. Wake Breathes as I leave & let her surprise him by coming here if she says yes & isn't working.

( I just texted her, waiting for response. Think I might just leave the door unlocked so SHE can wake Him .)
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Old 09-12-2010, 04:40 PM
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ImaginaryIllusion ImaginaryIllusion is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I've asked him about Lora & what's going on there. I've even suggested he call her & invite her over when I'm not going to be here or on outings where we're going to be so they can spend some time together. "I forgot to call her" is the most common response.
Are you/He out to the co-workers? To Lora? Does she know that he's interested and available? Has she shown any interest, or even know it's a possibility?


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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I'm upset that his co-workers are making him feel this way but I'm also upset because neither one of them has stood up to Miss Snide Remark and told her to stick it where the sun don't shine!
Work is a tricky place for dating....even for conventional societal norms people. Especially if he's not out, it could make the workplace very uncomfortable since most people will assume that he's having an affair, and will loose respect for him, and probably her for enabling it, or not trusting their husbands around her. It's all good if he's willing and able to go find another job...but what about her?

That aside...what relationship they have with each other, so long as it doesn't interfere with their ability to do their job, is none of Miss Snide's F'n business, and they should tell her to keep her nose out of other people's business lest it end up like MJ's. But again, the trade-off will be peace in the workplace.


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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
I've even talked to his BFF since he will often hear what she says even if she says it in the same way I say it---different perspective/person saying it maybe?
Sounds familiar....I don't listen to my wife either. Drives her nuts.


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Originally Posted by Breathesgirl View Post
( I just texted her, waiting for response. Think I might just leave the door unlocked so SHE can wake Him .)
Are you going to warn *her* at least?
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Old 09-12-2010, 05:20 PM
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I just wanted to give my thoughts on this, you can do with it what you want, and toss the rest..
This is coming from a separated, middle aged woman who has been in mono relationships all her life...so...you are getting the conventional view, I suppose?

I'm thinking this...the women that are working with your hubby are thinking he's just terrible for hitting on this co-worker, and he's married. Do these people know you have an open marriage? I'm guessing not. Most people don't take that well.
Oh, and I bet a dollar to a donut that they think the GF is a slut of the first order for even hitting on or acknowledging his advances...

I'm sensing that the workplace is female dominate? The profession I work in (health care) is dominated in a BIG way by females. And...we can be CATTY bitches. I'm guessing the one woman is loving this sich unfolding, and she's going to have all kinds of fun sitting in judgment of the hubby and the GF, not understanding the dynamic (or not caring).
Sad, really. Yeah, she, and the rest of the peeps need to mind their own business, but, guess what. They won't.

Dating your co-worker is pretty hard in a mono relationship, let alone a poly one. I'd be hard pressed to ever date a co-worker again. I dated my second husband when were in the same company in the Army, and we saw each other almost ALL the time.

That was really hard. It got a lot easier when he was out, and I soon followed him, and we were at different hospitals....

I don't know if leaving the job (unless there are other reasons for his leaving) would solve the problems in the long run...the short one, perhaps, and the economy being what it is....hell, I'm doing good if I HAVE a job, and forgive me, I wouldn't be giving up a job for a possible boyfriend....unless he's some DAMN fine specimen;0)

I wish I had ideas, I don't. I just wanted to...well, give you a take on how a straight, mono middle age woman might see it??
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Old 09-13-2010, 02:10 AM
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Thanx to both of you .

The text was a bust, lol. I asked him if she showed up when I got home & he looked surprised since I hadn't mentioned it to him. Turns out she had changed her phone number & I don't have the new one & she was working today any way .

There are others reasons for leaving the job. It's not JUST Ms. Snide's comments that are getting to him, he's been there four, nearly five years, and making the same amount that those just starting are making (the gov't just upped the minimum wage this year & he didn't get a raise so he would be making more than minimum wage). He feels he's stagnating there.

gotta get ready for work. Will hopefully be able to get back to this tomorrow. I HATE night shift!
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:37 AM
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By "their own time" do you mean alone, at someone's house, after work? Or at their cubicles during lunch hour? Maybe the coworkers want to keep the workplace for work.

You're vague on what the "snide remarks" are, but if they're derogatory, he is also within his rights to confront her maturely, express that he would appreciate if she kept her comments to herself, and that this is a work place not high school and rude comments are inappropriate. Meanwhile, he could keep his flirting out of the office and remove the fuel for her fire.

If they're in the office when they trade sexually innuendoed massages, then technically it's sexual harassment, and any of the coworkers would be within their rights to file a complaint with the company. The boss was 100% right to put them on different shifts. The company would be liable for a lawsuit at worst, and an HR nightmare at best.

Some offices even have policies prohibiting office romances, and that if it's discovered that two coworkers are dating, one of them will be required to switch shifts, departments, or even locations.

For the record, no one can "make him" feel anything. Breathe is responsible for his own emotions, and if he can't handle being judged by people that live a different lifestyle, maybe he isn't emotionally ready to be so flamboyantly poly. I've read some of his posts, and I get a sense of insecurity, expressed as caring too much about what other people think of him.
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Old 09-14-2010, 08:50 AM
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by 'their own time I mean at one apartment or the other when neither one of them is supposed to be at work.

I doubt that you've read Breathes' comments on here since he isn't a member.

the firting doesn't go on IN the work place. It's at other events.

i'm not sure what the snide remarks are as he hasnzlt gone into great detail about it.

I think what's really bothering me, & this is at 4:50 am after working since 11, is that he's not happy any more which is making me feel less happy as well.

break's over. I'll try to do more later.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
By "their own time" do you mean alone, at someone's house, after work? Or at their cubicles during lunch hour? Maybe the coworkers want to keep the workplace for work.

You're vague on what the "snide remarks" are, but if they're derogatory, he is also within his rights to confront her maturely, express that he would appreciate if she kept her comments to herself, and that this is a work place not high school and rude comments are inappropriate. Meanwhile, he could keep his flirting out of the office and remove the fuel for her fire.

If they're in the office when they trade sexually innuendoed massages, then technically it's sexual harassment, and any of the coworkers would be within their rights to file a complaint with the company. The boss was 100% right to put them on different shifts. The company would be liable for a lawsuit at worst, and an HR nightmare at best.

Some offices even have policies prohibiting office romances, and that if it's discovered that two coworkers are dating, one of them will be required to switch shifts, departments, or even locations.

For the record, no one can "make him" feel anything. Breathe is responsible for his own emotions, and if he can't handle being judged by people that live a different lifestyle, maybe he isn't emotionally ready to be so flamboyantly poly. I've read some of his posts, and I get a sense of insecurity, expressed as caring too much about what other people think of him.
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Old 09-16-2010, 12:38 AM
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Now that I've had a full eight consecutive hours of sleep let's see if I can do this a wee bit better.

Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
By "their own time" do you mean alone, at someone's house, after work? Or at their cubicles during lunch hour? Maybe the coworkers want to keep the workplace for work.
Not at work, there's no time for much more than a quick hello or banter through the take-out window. He's a short order cook & she works out front & will cover in the kitchen when needed.

Quote:
You're vague on what the "snide remarks" are, but if they're derogatory, he is also within his rights to confront her maturely, express that he would appreciate if she kept her comments to herself, and that this is a work place not high school and rude comments are inappropriate. Meanwhile, he could keep his flirting out of the office and remove the fuel for her fire.
I will definitely have to remind him of that. They are all supposed to be adults there, except for co-op students who act more mature than her, so one would think it could be handled in a mature adult manner.

Quote:
For the record, no one can "make him" feel anything. Breathe is responsible for his own emotions, and if he can't handle being judged by people that live a different lifestyle, maybe he isn't emotionally ready to be so flamboyantly poly. I've read some of his posts, and I get a sense of insecurity, expressed as caring too much about what other people think of him.
As I said, he isn't a member here. Yes, he is responsible for his own emotions & how he chooses to react to them. I will need to talk to him about some of this once my own schedule gets back to normal again. My carrying on a conversation when short on sleep & the only time we get to see each other is pretty much the hall sex sort right now is pretty useless. There's also the fact that he's stressed right now because I'm stressed about situations at work sooooooooooooooo, the talk will have to wait until we're both less stressed about unrelated things.

On a brighter note he did invite her over sometime soon (sleep deprived brain doesn't retain details very well) so there is a glimmer there.

Thanx everyone. I'm hoping I'll be able to pay more attention to this site sometime in the very near future.
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