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  #51  
Old 10-06-2010, 02:47 AM
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Gahh!!! Well, no dice on the new job. It just wasn't the job for us. The owner wanted us to start working for him, but it wasn't the right job for us.

Anyway, today L decided to call her D and talk to him on the phone. She has been feeling ignored and pushed away by him recently. He works odd hours, and my hours and his don't go together well...Leaving L only 2 days in which she can see him on...and one of them won't work because I'm at work the whole day...about 16 hours that day in fact. Which, since I have issues with L and D going out alone while I am at work, means she is down to just ONE day per week she can spend with him.

Well, today I decided to test the waters a bit and let them see eachother while I am at work on Friday. Fridays are low stress at work, and are typically a short day for me. Soooo....I sent D a text tonight telling him that if he wanted to meet up with L on Friday for a couple hours, I was ok with it. Friday afternoon, I'll see how I feel.....If it's too soon, then I'll know right away and it won't happen again for a little while longer.

On a plus side, today was the first time that L said that D has actually reffered to her as a "girlfriend". She was on cloud 9! It was so cute to watch her playing with her hair while talking to him on the phone. (studies show that when a woman is interested in a person, they play with their hair more) Anyway, when she found out that I was going to "allow" them to meet up alone on Friday, she was excited, but apprehensive. Like she thinks it's a trap. No trap.... I explain it to her like this...When I get into a hot tub, I get in with my toes first....Then...I put my whole foot in....Then, I go a bit deeper....and I ease my way into the hot tub a little at a time. This is the same thing. I am scared, but going forward a little at a time. Always able to pull the plug if I see something I don't like. Controling? Yes....Protecting? YES.....Scared of what? That she will leave me. That she will fall completely head over heals in love with this man and decide to leave me. Not right away....but after a longer period of time. Neither of them has ever expressed a desire to try to be "alone" or that they "wish I was out of the picture" at all.......So I have no idea why I would feel this way. But I'm trying to work through it. I think the way to work through it, is to actually DO it and practice what it is a person is trying to work through. a little at a time. As I become comfortable with this, these walls will fall.....

but some walls will stay up for the rest of my life.

Thanks S & Dani....
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  #52  
Old 10-09-2010, 01:53 AM
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Damn it!!!! As usual, I've screwed it all up again.

Ok, so L and I went out with her D today. Everything was great. Then, while out on the date, he gets a phone call from a girl. L noticed the pic on his phone, and mentioned to me that it was the same girl who he just friended on his facebook account. No problem...Right? Ok....so she asked him about it. He says....."It's a friend of mine's sister. She has a crush on me, but it's nothing." She accepts this explaination and goes on throughout the day.

Later in the evening, I mention to L that I thought it was weird that she would simply accept such an explaination so easily. She asks why. I told her that I would have asked him to meet the friend and possibly even the sister. I noted that his reaction would have helped to detirmine what the real relationship was with this other girl.

Then, L goes off on me! About how I don't like her D and how I "never liked him", and blah blah blah. This is totally untrue. What has happened a LOT in the last few days, is that she and I will fight over her D or my latest interest, Sh. (I have no "relationship" with Sh, but I am developing a FRIENDSHIP with her) Anyway, after a long drawn out fight, L will go into a self pity tirade and say that she will break up with her D because it's obvious that the relationship with him is hurting me. WTF? I've never said it's hurting me to any real extent. Yes, there have been things she has done that have hurt me. Nothing that is unfixable though. And usually, after telling L what it was that I got upset over, I'm fine because I know she won't do whatever it was that made me mad, again.

Anyway, at this point, she goes into her tirade, and I always end up saying something along the lines of "No, I don't WANT you to break up with him. I WANT you to keep the relationship going because it makes you happy". And then things die down, and we get onto an even keel again.

Well, I have decided that I'm not going to fight her on it anymore. I'm not going to tell her how much I want her to keep seeing him. That if she makes such a knee jerk reaction, and ruins a good thing for her, then that's on her. Not on me.

Well, we are at that point again right now. She is ready to call him up tomorrow and completely break off everything wiht him.....Why this time? Because I think he may be using her. He contiunuously makes excuses not to meet up with her.

Guys, answer this: If your new girlfriend said "I'm so horny....Wanna have sex tonight?" What would your reaction be? Would you be all over it? Or would you say "I'm going to be busy with my friends tonight"? Or another "I'm too tired"?

I find these reactions odd at best. But then again, her D has shown nothing but respect for L. He has never pressed her to do something she wasn't willing to do. He has never tried to pressure her for ANYTHING. He and I get along fine. (even though we don't really talk much....he's pretty quiet) I actually LIKE the guy....but I am suspicious and don't want my WIFE to get hurt by someone who is simply out to use her. And now, she is pissed at me, and ready to simply end it all.

Am I wrong to feel this way?
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  #53  
Old 10-09-2010, 02:16 AM
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Damn it!!!! As usual, I've screwed it all up again.

Ok, so L and I went out with her D today. Everything was great. Then, while out on the date, he gets a phone call from a girl. L noticed the pic on his phone, and mentioned to me that it was the same girl who he just friended on his facebook account. No problem...Right? Ok....so she asked him about it. He says....."It's a friend of mine's sister. She has a crush on me, but it's nothing." She accepts this explaination and goes on throughout the day.

Later in the evening, I mention to L that I thought it was weird that she would simply accept such an explaination so easily. She asks why. I told her that I would have asked him to meet the friend and possibly even the sister. I noted that his reaction would have helped to detirmine what the real relationship was with this other girl.

Then, L goes off on me! About how I don't like her D and how I "never liked him", and blah blah blah. This is totally untrue. What has happened a LOT in the last few days, is that she and I will fight over her D or my latest interest, Sh. (I have no "relationship" with Sh, but I am developing a FRIENDSHIP with her) Anyway, after a long drawn out fight, L will go into a self pity tirade and say that she will break up with her D because it's obvious that the relationship with him is hurting me. WTF? I've never said it's hurting me to any real extent. Yes, there have been things she has done that have hurt me. Nothing that is unfixable though. And usually, after telling L what it was that I got upset over, I'm fine because I know she won't do whatever it was that made me mad, again.

Anyway, at this point, she goes into her tirade, and I always end up saying something along the lines of "No, I don't WANT you to break up with him. I WANT you to keep the relationship going because it makes you happy". And then things die down, and we get onto an even keel again.

Well, I have decided that I'm not going to fight her on it anymore. I'm not going to tell her how much I want her to keep seeing him. That if she makes such a knee jerk reaction, and ruins a good thing for her, then that's on her. Not on me.

Well, we are at that point again right now. She is ready to call him up tomorrow and completely break off everything wiht him.....Why this time? Because I think he may be using her. He contiunuously makes excuses not to meet up with her.

Guys, answer this: If your new girlfriend said "I'm so horny....Wanna have sex tonight?" What would your reaction be? Would you be all over it? Or would you say "I'm going to be busy with my friends tonight"? Or another "I'm too tired"?

I find these reactions odd at best. But then again, her D has shown nothing but respect for L. He has never pressed her to do something she wasn't willing to do. He has never tried to pressure her for ANYTHING. He and I get along fine. (even though we don't really talk much....he's pretty quiet) I actually LIKE the guy....but I am suspicious and don't want my WIFE to get hurt by someone who is simply out to use her. And now, she is pissed at me, and ready to simply end it all.

Am I wrong to feel this way?
No, you're not wrong to feel this way. When us males are with our woman, we have the natural instinct to protect them from harm. Its in our DNA. Its what we're made to do. That is why some women complain why their guy is all over them. Its because we want to make sure they're safe. What you're feeling right now is also your love and willingness to protect you're marriage, so this is also completely normal. From what you just described, I would be suspicious also. Your wife's boyfriend sounds like the exact opposite of someone who speaks a lot. Its just my opinion. Just continue to keep your eyes open and good luck to you.
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  #54  
Old 10-09-2010, 02:23 AM
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No, you're not wrong to feel this way. When us males are with our woman, we have the natural instinct to protect them from harm. Its in our DNA. Its what we're made to do. That is why some women complain why their guy is all over them. Its because we want to make sure they're safe. What you're feeling right now is also your love and willingness to protect you're marriage, so this is also completely normal. From what you just described, I would be suspicious also. Your wife's boyfriend sounds like the exact opposite of someone who speaks a lot. Its just my opinion. Just continue to keep your eyes open and good luck to you.
Ok, next question then, when we are into our women, do we play coy and not try to contact them? Or are we constantly trying to get them to talk to us?

I ask because, while I'm a man, I never really dated much before getting married. And I'm not sure. I mean, I know that I have a tendency to overly pursue women when I'm into them. But is that common? H?e NEVER texts her first or calls her...and she ALWAYS texts first and calls him. (Not that she's doing it too much...just that he only RESPONDS....sometimes)


p.s. Oh, and I said he doesn't talk much. Confused why you would say "Your wife's boyfriend sounds like the exact opposite of someone who speaks a lot."
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Old 10-09-2010, 02:35 AM
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Ok, next question then, when we are into our women, do we play coy and not try to contact them? Or are we constantly trying to get them to talk to us?

I ask because, while I'm a man, I never really dated much before getting married. And I'm not sure. I mean, I know that I have a tendency to overly pursue women when I'm into them. But is that common? H?e NEVER texts her first or calls her...and she ALWAYS texts first and calls him. (Not that she's doing it too much...just that he only RESPONDS....sometimes)


p.s. Oh, and I said he doesn't talk much. Confused why you would say "Your wife's boyfriend sounds like the exact opposite of someone who speaks a lot."
That depends. Some men like to play the Cat&Mouse game. Before I met my wife I used to play the cat and the mouse. Some men just like to play the cat whether they're looking for a relationship or a one-night stand. But from my personal experience, if a man never initiates contact, something isn't right and that usually tells me there's someone else.

P.S. I posted too fast without reading your whole post. Sorry.
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Old 10-09-2010, 03:28 AM
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Ok Guys I get it I am going to talk to him tomorrow. I am NOT going to be played and look the fool. No matter how he makes me feel or how I feel about him. This will suck ass but it has to be talked about with him. I just hope that I can hold myself up during this talk. I will NOT lose my marriage over D no matter what I feel for him. I have lost ppl in my past and learned alot from them so I have learned alot from D in the short time I have known him. I have learned that most people don't care who they hurt to get what they want, and he has gotten what he wanted.
I have to tell you that I see him looking at me in the way my husband does and he treats me with nothing but respect and we can talk about anything and nothing for a long time. We can sit and not say a word and be happy. So this is why it is going to be hard to talk to him tomorrow.
I really hate this part of relationships!!!!!!!!
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  #57  
Old 10-09-2010, 03:43 AM
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No, you're not wrong to feel this way. When us males are with our woman, we have the natural instinct to protect them from harm. Its in our DNA. Its what we're made to do..
How does that explain all the douchebags in the world then?While I would love to think this is true of men, it just isn't. Sorry.

My thoughts, and I will quote where required. Not all men communicate or know how to communicate in the same way. To assume anything malicious by either of you, may be incorrect without all the information. Understand his communication style and you might understand more about how.

Quote:
quys, answer this: If your new girlfriend said "I'm so horny....Wanna have sex tonight?" What would your reaction be? Would you be all over it? Or would you say "I'm going to be busy with my friends tonight"? Or another "I'm too tired"?
Maybe he is just not into sex. Not every guy is a hornball. Has she tried "lets have coffee"...not sure but I would read to much into not wanting to have sex. Not every relationship is about sex either, maybe he doesn't even understand what he wants.

Quote:
Am I wrong to feel this way?
Hmm this is a tough one. Can you feel that way, yes. Is it your job to confront him...well personally no, I don't think so. My personal opinion is it is your wifes confrontation. You can support her but it is her relationship. Its hard to do, but will be better for them if it is to work.

Thats my belief anywyas. My position is to assist Pengrah in her relationship but I can't do the work for her.

Now could he be a conniving using douche, sure, its possible. But not everyone communicates equally or loves the same. Keep that in mind when dealing with metamours

Can I just say your usernames confuse the hell out of me...
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  #58  
Old 10-09-2010, 01:01 PM
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Can I just say your usernames confuse the hell out of me...
Well T's has a mustang on it and mine a pair of lips. Not to hard but if it confusing then help me change it and I will,
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  #59  
Old 10-09-2010, 01:36 PM
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Ari,
She has tried the "let's have some coffee" thing. Same result. In fact, he says he doesn't like coffee, but prefers hot chocolate. So, she invites him to Starbucks so he can have hot chocolate while she drinks coffee....Same result. I can understand this though....because a coffee shop SMELLS so strongly like coffee. I think it actually turns his stomach to even SMELL coffee. Nothing wrong with that. But she has asked him to simply take her out....and nothing.

I suggested to her, that she lay back for a little while, and let HIM pursue HER. She got pissed at me. My thought process is this: If he takes an active roll in pursueing her, then he is interested. If not, then he could care less, and she is just a piece of ass to him. (which may or may not be "ok" with her. I have no idea)

I just get so worried that he is going to hurt her.....Not physically....but emotionally. And who has to help her pick up the pieces? Yep...Me.

She has asked him to simply go to the beach, or just hang out at the mall or she even suggested that HE make some plans to go somewhere. He said "ok", but has yet to step up to the plate and actually DO it.

Now, in his defense, he IS the outsider, and doesn't want to piss me off or cross any of my personal boundries. I can respect that. He asked L out last week once when she called him. He asked if she would mind if he came to visit with her while she was waiting for me to get off work, at Startbucks on Friday. (L goes to Startbucks to wait for me to get off work on Fridays. We go out to lunch after my work, and then ride our motorcycle around and enjoy each others company) She told him that I had an issue with them going out on dates while I was at work. He immediatly said that he was fine with that, and appologized. He also apologized for being so distant the last few weeks. (It has been almost 2 weeks since L has even SEEN D) He said that he noticed that she had stopped texting him as much. To which she replied that the phone works both ways, and he could text her first. He didn't respond.



Sorry about our names looking so similar. :/ My first name begins with a "T", and therefore, when I am posting, you will see the "T" first....L's first name begins with an "L" and when she is posting, you will see an "L" first. We have decided that no matter what, we will be together forever. But we want at least one, and possibly more to join us. So it's T (or L) L 4ever U2. So T and L are together forever.....you too? Hope this helps a bit.
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Old 10-09-2010, 01:41 PM
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Ok, I was just told off for not being specific anough....When L would ask him to go to the coffee shop, it was kinda last minute. Soooo....As she puts it, not everyone jumps at last minute things. (This is true)

Along with this telling off, She told me "thats ok anyway, because after today you won't have to worry about it anymore". Like I said before, I'm not fighting it anymore. If she wants to make stupid knee jerk reactions...So be it. She has to deal with the consequenses of her own actions just like I will have to deal with posting this.
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