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  #131  
Old 01-14-2011, 04:05 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Ok, She went to her daughters house for the evening.....But now she is sick and can't spend any time with us. I'm feeling odd about our relationship. Like we are growning apart. Like she doesn't WANT to spend time with my wife and I...or even just with me...or just with my wife.

I guess, if she feels like that, it would just be nice to know so I can move on.
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  #132  
Old 01-14-2011, 09:16 AM
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TL, you run hot and cold from minute to minute. Geez, the woman is sick, give her a break. Instead of thinking of yourself, you could show some concern for her, instead. Does she need anything? Can you do anything for her? If someone I cared about was sick, I wouldn't be bitching about what I wasn't getting from them. Remember your dream -- step out of that self-absorption and look at the big picture! Stop being such a fatalist! Life is good!
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  #133  
Old 01-14-2011, 12:28 PM
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Originally Posted by nycindie View Post
TL, you run hot and cold from minute to minute. Geez, the woman is sick, give her a break. Instead of thinking of yourself, you could show some concern for her, instead. Does she need anything? Can you do anything for her? If someone I cared about was sick, I wouldn't be bitching about what I wasn't getting from them. Remember your dream -- step out of that self-absorption and look at the big picture! Stop being such a fatalist! Life is good!
Actually, the first thing that came out of my mouth was "Oh no! This is my fault!" Then I sent her a text telling her I hoped she felt better soon and asking her if L or I could do anything for her. Trust me, I showed her concern. This concern was met with.......nothing. No response, no thank you, no f-you, no nothing.

The reason I feel it was MY fault, is because 2 weeks ago, I was sick.....and I accidentally gave her a kiss. So yeah....Probably MY fault for being careless.

Anyway, my point with THIS post, is that I'm NOT just thinking of myself here. When genuine concern is shown, and not met with anything, it leads a person to believe that the concern is not WANTED or desired.




My wife and I are going out this weekend to Naples, and wanted to see her before we left. Maybe spend some quality time with her. but it seemed like she made an excuse not to see us. (Especially since we told her we would like to go out with her, about 2 weeks ago, this weekend....and she said she didn't want to disrupt our anniversary weekend. Which we told her she wouldn't be doing, and that we actually WANTED to spend the time with her before we left.) I have to believe that she is genuinely sick, and simply doesn't want to give it back to us. But at least ACCEPTING some concern, and responding SOMEHOW, would be nice. Know what I mean?
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  #134  
Old 01-14-2011, 01:29 PM
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Lots of time I text or msg my boytoy and he doesnt respond til he's good and ready. We've been together almost 2 years. People have different communication styles. It pays to have patience. Remember you were saying you didn't want to smother her? Give her some space and have some trust.
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  #135  
Old 01-14-2011, 08:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
Anyway, my point with THIS post, is that I'm NOT just thinking of myself here. When genuine concern is shown, and not met with anything, it leads a person to believe that the concern is not WANTED or desired.
I hope you know I wasn't scolding you, but trying to boost you up. You often seem to let yourself get carried away with your emotions and thoughts, and then it sounds like you obsess and get upset over stuff that you have blown a bit out of proportion. Then, you're blissful again when something or someone reassures you. I think you need to find a way to stabilize yourself a bit, so that you don't keep getting knocked around moment-to-moment by life's uncertainties and fluctuations.
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
My wife and I are going out this weekend to Naples, and wanted to see her before we left. Maybe spend some quality time with her. but it seemed like she made an excuse not to see us . . . I have to believe that she is genuinely sick, and simply doesn't want to give it back to us. But at least ACCEPTING some concern, and responding SOMEHOW, would be nice. Know what I mean?
Some people just really need to isolate and nurture themselves quietly when sick. Plus, she might feel you are pressuring her, so perhaps there is a bit of hesitation on her part. But so what? Can't she be herself in this relationship? I agree with Magdlyn, you need to give her some space, man.

For yourself, try to remember that your feelings of well-being, worth, "okay-ness" in the world, and self-esteem shouldn't be so dependent upon on what others feel about you, or if they want to be with you or not. Find ways to feel good about yourself and enjoy what you got, so that if she wants to be with you, it's icing on the cake. And if she doesn't, or she needs time to herself (which people often do) for whatever reason, that's just a choice she made, and you can look forward to the next time you get together. You don't have to make everything so "life and death!"

I say all this to you with compassion and empathy, I hope you know. But I do feel like I want to shake you a bit!
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  #136  
Old 01-14-2011, 08:50 PM
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But I do feel like I want to shake you a bit!
Hehe...I might like it.

Actually, I DON'T like the bondage thing. But I respect those that do. (my wife is into it a little)

Anyway,
I guess I'm not like other people here then. I always knew I was a bit off and different. You see, I always thought that when a person was dating someone, they showed them SOME sort of an interest, and at least RESPONDED to them when they spoke to them. Of course, maybe I'm wrong. And then, when they responded, they would do so with SOME resemblance of caring, and not so non-shelantly as if they couldn't care less.


I mean, to me, it's the equivalent of you saying to your SO that you love them....and your SO looks away and doesn't even acknowledge your existence. Or even you OSO.




Magdlyn,
V is not simply our toy. for us, a relationship with a boytoy is COMPLETELY different than a relationship with someone you love. To us, a "boytoy", is someone you simply fuck, and send them home. No emotions or wanting to know more about them. Just how they are in bed. L and I have done that before, but we want more. V knows this, and has expressed that she also wants more. However, she has a funny way of showing it.

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  #137  
Old 01-15-2011, 03:25 AM
Hannahfluke Hannahfluke is offline
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Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post
L and I have done that before, but we want more. V knows this, and has expressed that she also wants more. However, she has a funny way of showing it.
You just talked about how you're backing off from her a little while ago, within the last two weeks, and waiting for her to play cat to your mouse. Have you considered that maybe she feels rejected by you doing that? And confused by all of your hot and cold actions? "I don't want to let her get close" "OMG, she didn't respond to my text right away, I have to ask her if she really likes me". It seems to me like she's treating you in exactly the same way you're treating her.
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  #138  
Old 01-15-2011, 04:10 AM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Hannah, You bring up a very good point. And it is completely possible. I DID think that she may have felt rejected by my doing that, so I picked up again. (albeit at a little slower level)

And...Well, As I was taught before...if you always give what you've always given, you'll always get what you always got.

I HAVE found that with V, if I don't ask, I never know. I have also found wiht V, that if I lead, she will follow.

But how to impliment these findings to the benefit of all parties involved?
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  #139  
Old 01-15-2011, 01:15 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by TL4everu2 View Post

Magdlyn,
V is not simply our toy. for us, a relationship with a boytoy is COMPLETELY different than a relationship with someone you love. To us, a "boytoy", is someone you simply fuck, and send them home. No emotions or wanting to know more about them. Just how they are in bed.
OK, I am going to ramble a bit, off topic, so be forewarned:

Actually I have a huge crush on my boytoy. I respect the hell out of him. I do love him, in a certain way. He's so mature for his age, so responsible. Plus he has this certain nonchalance, lots of confidence, an effortless calm about him. And he's really funny and has a great vocabulary. Also, his brother is mentally troubled and needs a lot of care, which is similar to my daughter's needs, so we kinda get each other in that area as well.

sigh... he's also really cute, not in a conventional model way, but tall (6'4"), skinny, pale, with a big mop of curly black hair.

I call him my toy because all those things make me attracted to him and want to "play" with him a lot. I never send him home, he leaves because he has other commitments, a job, to drive his brother somewhere, etc. I've just never pressured him to be more than my FWB, because of our age difference. I know if I'd pressed him to take me out on dates, or introduce me to his friends, he would've been gone long ago and I wouldn't have the pleasure of his charming company once or twice a month.

I admit our relationship is primarily sexual, but omg we are so perfectly sexually matched, the passion, the creativity, the boundaries explored and pushed, it's like a bit of heaven every time we get together. And as I said elsewhere, he's become much more affectionate and cuddly in recent months. After sex I often give him a back massage and he just melts under my hands... it's so nice and relaxing.

My gf is pretty angsty and dramatic, so being with the boy is a nice break, a mini-vacation, kind of a Zen experience.
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Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 60) loving miss pixi (poly, F, 39) since January 2009, living together since 2013
also loving Punk (monogamish, former swinger, 42, M) since Oct 2015
"Master," (mono, 34), miss pixi's Dom for 2 years

Last edited by Magdlyn; 01-15-2011 at 02:31 PM.
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  #140  
Old 01-15-2011, 01:52 PM
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TL4everu2 TL4everu2 is offline
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Magdlyn,
I can understand. However, our relationship with V is not simply a sexual one. We have no desire to make it simply a sexual relationship. In fact, since knowing her, we've all only gotten together that way twice. It was devine to be sure, but not the be all end all of the relationship. I, personally, enjoy simply being around her. Holding hands with her, holding her, etc. All the same things I enjoy with my wife. There is a different feel to her though.

V lived as a lesbian, married to a woman for 5 years. She was also, at one time, married to a man. I think it was for around the same time period. She is older and more mature than I am. Maybe not more mature than my wife, but definatly more mature than me! LOL

She has a great sexual desire, and touts that fact. I often wonder if she is simply not getting enough sex from us, and may be seeking it out elsewhere. If so, this is kinda a deal breaker. The reason is that we all....as in her, my wife, and myself.....went into this relationship knowing that we were all poly-fi, and not just looking for fuck buddies or toys. So....IF (note the large letters) that's all she wants, she needs to let us know, so we can move on. If NOT, then again, she needs to let us know so we can move FORWARD. But without being able to even TALK to her, it makes it WAY more difficult to know what she wants.

It's been 3 days now with no responses or replies to anything we've sent her way. Texts, facebook messages, etc. This is not typical of her and is why I am wondering what's up.
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