A new adventure

Ok....Update.....

Cotton Kandy has been conversing with a new guy on Myyearbook. She may meet him later this evening or in the near future. I'm trying to do this a bit differently this time....It hasn't worked for us yet the way I WAS doing it. So...This time, I told Cotton Kandy that I didn't need to know her every move or spoken word to her new guy. In fact, I've been trying to let her know NOT to let me know about every word. She's been talking to him every day for about two weeks or so now. No idea about what. Today, she asked if I minded if they texted. I told her to have a good time with it, and I didn't care. Then I told her that I was fine with it and didn't need to know every move. I also re-affirmed that I was letting HER do things the way SHE wanted to, and I was stepping away from her "personal" life other than to be a supportive husband.

I have been talking to a couple women, but nothing serious. Just trying to be friendly. Not really looking to "hook up". Seems that as soon as I tell them that I'm in an open marriage, they run. :( Oh well. Their loss I guess.

On a high note, I drove our 67 Mustang to work and back this morning. I was worried it might overheat in this 95* + heat. Nope. It was FINE! YAY! Now I can change the rear gears and drive it more regularly! YES! Good note.
 
Ok, Cotton Kandy's new interest....is now a new boyfriend. :p

We both went over to his house last night around 12:30....Didn't come home till about 5:30am.

No idea what to call him on here though. :rolleyes:

I decided to take a whole new approach this time around with her interests. I decided to simply let go and give her free will to do as she pleases and see where it goes and how it goes. She asked me last night if it was "ok to go over to his place". I told her "I don't care. If you want to, I'll drive. It's up to you.". So far it seems to be working out well. Time will tell though.

He seems nice enough. He didn't lead into sex talks immidiatly. He actually spent most of his talking time with Kandy, asking her about what her likes and dislikes were, and general day to day stuff. Just being inquisitive and nice. She did the same, and insisted to me, that he was not any kind of "interest". I'm smarter than that, and simply said "ok. If you say so.". LOL

Anyway....I still have no interested parties in me. The usual exchange goes a little something like this:

Me: "Hi, how are you today?"
Her: "I'm ok. Doesn't your profile say 'involved'?"
Me: "Yes. I'm in an open marriage."
Her: "Oh. That's nice. I'm not interested, but good luck and have a good day."
Her: *hit's "block" button*
Me: ......... ummm.....



Soooo...Yeah. That's how it usually works for me. Sometimes it's a little more drawn out, but the bottom line, is as soon as they hear that I'm married, they bolt. :(
 
We both went over to his house last night around 12:30....Didn't come home till about 5:30am.
Hey, just want to be clear - did you drop her off or were you there with her for all those hours?

Also, while I do like the new attitude you've taken because it seems to be less stressful for you as a couple, please stop thinking of yourself as now "giving her free will." Your wife's free will has always been her own from the start, and was never yours to give. We all as individuals have free will and being married doesn't change that.

It would be more accurate to say that now you've allowed yourself to be okay with it.

Just giving you a pinch. :)
 
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Ok, Cotton Kandy's new interest....is now a new boyfriend. :p

We both went over to his house last night around 12:30....Didn't come home till about 5:30am.

No idea what to call him on here though. :rolleyes:

I decided to take a whole new approach this time around with her interests. I decided to simply let go and give her free will to do as she pleases and see where it goes and how it goes. She asked me last night if it was "ok to go over to his place". I told her "I don't care. If you want to, I'll drive. It's up to you.". So far it seems to be working out well. Time will tell though.

He seems nice enough. He didn't lead into sex talks immidiatly. He actually spent most of his talking time with Kandy, asking her about what her likes and dislikes were, and general day to day stuff. Just being inquisitive and nice. She did the same, and insisted to me, that he was not any kind of "interest". I'm smarter than that, and simply said "ok. If you say so.". LOL

Wait just a dadgummed minute! You went on a first date with her, again?? I thought you were letting her do her own thing now, as you said in your previous post!

BTW, I don't call them "bfs" or "gfs" until about 6 weeks of really intense intimacy has happened. Lots of talking, lots of sex, dates in the outside world, lots of phone calls/texts when we aren't together. How can he be her bf after one date, in which her husband was sitting beside listening to every word?

Anyway....I still have no interested parties in me. The usual exchange goes a little something like this:

Me: "Hi, how are you today?"
Her: "I'm ok. Doesn't your profile say 'involved'?"
Me: "Yes. I'm in an open marriage."
Her: "Oh. That's nice. I'm not interested, but good luck and have a good day."
Her: *hit's "block" button*
Me: ......... ummm.....



Soooo...Yeah. That's how it usually works for me. Sometimes it's a little more drawn out, but the bottom line, is as soon as they hear that I'm married, they bolt. :(

You've given up on okc, where you can be listed as available, and tagged as polyamorous to attract poly women. What do you expect?
 
Have you tried searching for other poly folk and sending some messages? I totally get how women get weirded out by the open marriage thing although hubs seems to not have a problem. Though I think most (if not all) of the women he dates really deep down want him to themselves. :-( not my favorite but that's their dealio. I know hubs has no intention of going anywhere.

Anyway my point (and I had one) was maybe seeking out women who are already familiar with poly might up your chances. I have decided to try that for a while to eliminate the whole "I hear you say you're not monogamous but there must be something lacking in your relationship or you wouldn't be looking" convo. :)
 
Hey, just want to be clear - did you drop her off or were you there with her for all those hours?
At HER request, I was there. NOT mine. I told her I always felt like the 3rd wheel. She insisted. How do I handle that? I'll tell you how. Like a caring husband should. I help her. By being there, it is a HUGE relief to her for whatever reason.

Also, while I do like the new attitude you've taken because it seems to be less stressful for you as a couple, please stop thinking of yourself as now "giving her free will." Your wife's free will has always been her own from the start, and was never yours to give. We all as individuals have free will and being married doesn't change that.

It would be more accurate to say that now you've allowed yourself to be okay with it.
No...I could EASILY tell her "Not a chance in hell!". But I don't. Her ability to go out without "cheating" on me, is a thing that we have given to each other.

Just giving you a pinch.
I know. ;)

Wait just a dadgummed minute! You went on a first date with her, again?? I thought you were letting her do her own thing now, as you said in your previous post!
1st...OUR relationship works this way. YOU'RS may not. Don't damn me or her because of it. 2nd, the guy was actually good with it, and actually, appreciated the fact that I was there. He said he has never dated anyone who was poly before, and had no idea how to act. He was also amazed at the fact that I was ok with her seeing other men, and wanted to make SURE that I was "ok" with it. He wants to be friends with me also, and build a relationship with me. (Nothing sexual, just a really good friendship)

BTW, I don't call them "bfs" or "gfs" until about 6 weeks of really intense intimacy has happened. Lots of talking, lots of sex, dates in the outside world, lots of phone calls/texts when we aren't together. How can he be her bf after one date, in which her husband was sitting beside listening to every word?
Because that's how we work? :rolleyes: Again, what works for YOU...doesn't work for US....and visa versa. ;) They HAVE been talking and texting for a few weeks now. We tend not to simply give up the gold too quickly, and once we do, it is because we have built up a relationship.


You've given up on okc, where you can be listed as available, and tagged as polyamorous to attract poly women. What do you expect?
As opposed to Myyearbook or facebook, where I can list that I am in an open relationship? Or how about in the "real world".....Where I simply meet people and go from there?

Have you tried searching for other poly folk and sending some messages? I totally get how women get weirded out by the open marriage thing although hubs seems to not have a problem. Though I think most (if not all) of the women he dates really deep down want him to themselves. :-( not my favorite but that's their dealio. I know hubs has no intention of going anywhere.
Yes, I have. Kandy and I went to the local Poly meet ups, and such. They are not really "our crowd" so to speak. Most of them are "hippy" types (for lack of a better vocabulary) and we totally AREN'T the hippy type. The ones that aren's "hippy types", are gamers or fetish or imaginary RPG type's. (The type who go to comic conventions and actually dress up for it) So totally not our types. We've also tried the OKC thing. And, with a VERY active account....changing things and adding pics etc daily....I get 2-3 profile views per week. I send messages, only to be ignored or told that they aren't into that sort of thing. a QUICK search on OKC, of poly people in my area within 30 miles, brings up women who I am not physically attracted to in ANY way. Broadening the search to 50 miles brings back one or two.....Who I've messaged, and gotten ignored by.

Does your hubby tell the women that he is married right away? or does he wait until AFTER they've been out on a date?

Anyway my point (and I had one) was maybe seeking out women who are already familiar with poly might up your chances. I have decided to try that for a while to eliminate the whole "I hear you say you're not monogamous but there must be something lacking in your relationship or you wouldn't be looking" convo. :)
Yeah, When I find women who are open minded enough to not just run the other way, I act. But it's tough to find them. So far, almost impossible. We found one once....There's a reason they are called "unicorns". LOL ;)
 
Also, while I do like the new attitude you've taken because it seems to be less stressful for you as a couple, please stop thinking of yourself as now "giving her free will." Your wife's free will has always been her own from the start, and was never yours to give. We all as individuals have free will and being married doesn't change that.

It would be more accurate to say that now you've allowed yourself to be okay with it.

No...I could EASILY tell her "Not a chance in hell!". But I don't. Her ability to go out without "cheating" on me, is a thing that we have given to each other.

Well, you kind of missed my point, hon. You can say whatever you want, but it is your wife's own free will to choose between doing what makes you happy or not. You may see it as you giving her permission, but she doesn't have to listen. Yes, she has given you her love and loyalty, all that, but she has chosen to do so out her own free will, which was not given to her by you. That's what I meant - no one has the power to give anyone free will. Each of us exercises our own free will in living our lives. This is actually a better way to look at it, don't you think? Knowing that you let her know what you want or don't want and she chooses to make you happy?


Oh, and I was asking about whether you dropped her off or stayed all night with her because I wasn't sure if I read it right. No judgment there.
 
I'm trying to do this a bit differently this time....It hasn't worked for us yet the way I WAS doing it.

These are your words. I thought that meant you were dating separately, yet you went along on her date.

This time, I told Cotton Kandy that I didn't need to know her every move or spoken word to her new guy. In fact, I've been trying to let her know NOT to let me know about every word. She's been talking to him every day for about two weeks or so now. No idea about what. Today, she asked if I minded if they texted. I told her to have a good time with it, and I didn't care. Then I told her that I was fine with it and didn't need to know every move. I also re-affirmed that I was letting HER do things the way SHE wanted to, and I was stepping away from her "personal" life other than to be a supportive husband...

Contrast with:


We both went over to his house last night...

I decided to take a whole new approach this time around with her interests. I decided to simply let go and give her free will to do as she pleases and see where it goes and how it goes. She asked me last night if it was "ok to go over to his place". I told her "I don't care. If you want to, I'll drive....

You offered to drive. Seems to me you wanted to be there on her first date, or put the suggestion into her mind. I had thought you 2 were dating separately now, from your previous posts. I wasn't pushing my agenda or taste on you.

I mean, you're not the only poly partner who goes on first dates with their partner. Heck, my gf's bf's gf was there for their first several dates. It's just that, from reading your posts for years now, these things never seem to work out, when you 2 are joined at the hip like this.

spent most of his talking time with Kandy...

Well, yeah? It's her he is interested in, not you.

At HER request, I was there. NOT mine. I told her I always felt like the 3rd wheel. She insisted. How do I handle that? I'll tell you how. Like a caring husband should. I help her. By being there, it is a HUGE relief to her for whatever reason.

Go for it. Make it work. :cool:


1st...OUR relationship works this way. YOU'RS may not. Don't damn me or her because of it. 2nd, the guy was actually good with it, and actually, appreciated the fact that I was there. He said he has never dated anyone who was poly before, and had no idea how to act. He was also amazed at the fact that I was ok with her seeing other men, and wanted to make SURE that I was "ok" with it. He wants to be friends with me also, and build a relationship with me.

Well, that's all good.

Because that's how we work? :rolleyes: Again, what works for YOU...doesn't work for US....and visa versa. ;) They HAVE been talking and texting for a few weeks now. We tend not to simply give up the gold too quickly, and once we do, it is because we have built up a relationship.

2 weeks of chatting online does not a relationship make, IMO. I guess I am just more jaded. I know you are much much more excitable than me. I'd be afraid of jinxing things, calling a guy a bf after 2 wks of online chat and one date, which my husband attended.

As opposed to Myyearbook or facebook, where I can list that I am in an open relationship?

Sure. But can you highlight "polyamorous" in your profile so people can do a search for that term?

Or how about in the "real world".....Where I simply meet people and go from there?

Of course. Good luck. As below...

Kandy and I went to the local Poly meet ups, and such. They are not really "our crowd" so to speak. Most of them are "hippy" types (for lack of a better vocabulary) and we totally AREN'T the hippy type. The ones that aren's "hippy types", are gamers or fetish or imaginary RPG type's.... totally not our types.

So much for the real world then.
 
These are your words. I thought that meant you were dating separately, yet you went along on her date.



Contrast with:




You offered to drive. Seems to me you wanted to be there on her first date, or put the suggestion into her mind. I had thought you 2 were dating separately now, from your previous posts. I wasn't pushing my agenda or taste on you.
Again Mags, you have no idea of all the variables here. I offered to drive, because of a couple different reasons. 1) Cotton Kandy's bronco is broke down right now, and she can't drive mine because it's a stick. 2) Her new bf/interest/fuckbuddy/whatever you want to call him has a 3 y/o daughter that he had just put to bed and couldn't drive her. 3) The bus system here sucks 4) Cabs are too expensive for us at this point in our lives.

Did that answer a little more for you?

I mean, you're not the only poly partner who goes on first dates with their partner. Heck, my gf's bf's gf was there for their first several dates. It's just that, from reading your posts for years now, these things never seem to work out, when you 2 are joined at the hip like this.
I'm not sure, but I think I've only been on here for a year or so. Maybe I'm wrong.



Well, yeah? It's her he is interested in, not you.
This happens when you take things out of context. I know he's interested in her and not me. I meant he spent most of his time online recently talking to her. Small thing. No biggie.



Go for it. Make it work.
We're trying to, thank you.




Well, that's all good.
I hope so?



2 weeks of chatting online does not a relationship make, IMO. I guess I am just more jaded. I know you are much much more excitable than me. I'd be afraid of jinxing things, calling a guy a bf after 2 wks of online chat and one date, which my husband attended.
Well, Seeing more than one guy or girl within a week (other than our spouse), and fucking them all or a few of them, makes something different than Kandy or I want to be. ;) If she's sleeping with another person other than me, she usually only sticks to one other person other than me. a little mono in thought, yet still not. :p



Sure. But can you highlight "polyamorous" in your profile so people can do a search for that term?
Nope. But we CAN put it in the top of our profile so it sticks out a bit when they are looking at it. ;)



Of course. Good luck. As below...



So much for the real world then.
By 'real world", I meant day to day. As in, not poly meet ups. As in, meeting people at the club, or at dinner, or at work, or wherever we are at any given time. You know, the way it USED to be 20+ years ago. ;)
 
Thanks for the further details and good luck!
 
fetlife

TL,

In response to your postings about dating woe, have you tried Fetlife.com? It's not a dating site per se but people do use it to find like-minded folks. I ask because as I read group discussions, I read a few posts where women note that they love MMA guys. So I thought of you!

An account is free. And while Fet is definitely focused on kink and fetish, it is not necessary to be hardcore kinky. I consider myself mildly kinky at best and feel welcome. There are several groups devoted to various aspects of poly. You could even search for MMA as a fetish.

Noodle about and see if it works for you.
 
Wow....Have a date set up with Kandy tomorrow night......Yet she told me that if I wanted to go on a date with someone else, that was fine with her. o_O Whaaaa???? That's out of left field!

I told her I didn't want to go on a date with anyone else that night except her because I had already made the commitment previously.
 
Hmmm Well, I apparently was of my rocker the other day when I posted the above post. I put "tomorrow", when I meant Saturday night we had a date. Sheesh! LOL

Well, last night, Kandy and I went out to meet a new woman. I've been talking to this lady for a couple weeks now online. A couple days ago, she (The new woman) asked for Kandy's profile and wanted to send her a friend request. So, I hooked them up together. They have been chatty cathy's thus far. Last night, we (Kandy and I) met this woman for the first time in real life. She was really fun and easy to talk to. I have decided to just try to make a friend with her. Not because I'm not attracted to her....HELL no! LOL I find her VERY attractive. But she told me before that she's not poly. She said she's open minded though, and doesn't discount a friendship because of a person's personal lifestyle. That was refreshing to me. We discussed her last 4 dates. OMG some guys are total IDIOTS! It really made me wonder how those guys actually get laid. Maybe they dont, and they lie a lot. LOL Anyway, it was a "non-date" with a "non-prospective gf". We just sat and drank some coffee at Starbucks.


Her and Kandy are VERY alike. From bodies, to personalities. For me, sitting there watching the two of them talk, it was like they were almost sisters! Uncanny! But I really liked it and was TOTALLY relaxed. There was no pressure to impress or anything, so it was simple and fun.
 
Still got our new friend. She is an active dater. She goes out on a different date about 3 times per wk. Thats awesome! We all get along quite well. Probably because we're not all having sex. :rolleyes:

On another note....I probably tore my LCL last night in my knee. The new woman showed genuine interest in my well being. Which was nice to have someone else (other than my wife) concerned about me. I'm not used to it.
 
Well, I am able to walk...Kinda. :/ New friend and I are still speaking from time to time.

Totally got screwed by my boss at work this week for pay. I was in the shop over 45 hrs, yet only got paid for 17.8 hrs. :eek: Kandy was LIVID over it. I have been putting out resume's for a couple days now, and today I got a call back on one of them. I start at my new job tomorrow. My (now EX) boss has no clue that I'll be in tomorrow to retrieve my tools and be out of his shop. Leaving him hanging on a couple jobs. He can have fun re-installing a Jag motor by himself. :evil grin: Anyway, Kandy is somewhat happier. And I'll hopefully be a LOT happier, knowing that I'm getting paid for every hour I'm in the shop. :D

Still no gf prospects. Kinda the way I like it. I'm getting used to it.
 
Totally got screwed by my boss at work this week for pay. I was in the shop over 45 hrs, yet only got paid for 17.8 hrs. :eek: Kandy was LIVID over it.

Are you sure it wasn't just an accounting error? Have you talked to the payroll person about it? Of course it's upsetting, but it seems a bit rash to just assume you were being screwed on purpose, and to up and leave. I hope you pursue them for the money you are owed!!!
 
Yes Cindie, I am sure. He told me "Ok, you have 17.8 book hours.". "Book hours", are hours that the books say it takes to repair a car. I had plenty more than that, however, that's all he chose to record. Plus, in Florida, it's illegal to pay that way. You are required to get the maximum of the two pay grades here. The problem exists when I said, Well...I've been here for 45 hrs...in shop. And he says "Well, you only have 17.8 book hours". His solution? He said, fine, "I'll pay you 34 hours at minimum wage".

I had already found another job by this point. So...I took what scraps he would throw at me, and am now going to take him to small claims court for the full amount. 45 hours at $12 per hour, minus what he already paid me. I only want whats due to me. Nothing more.
 
Fuck....I'm an insensitive idiot. Why do I have depression issues which cause me to say and do fucked up stuff?

Today, my wife took a VERY important test. I'm cycling through my depression stages again. Fucking bs. She failed her test. So I act like an insensitive idiot. I'm upset because the test costs $200. That was included in her student loan. But...Re-tests are NOT covered. So now, we have to find a way to come up with $200 for her to RETAKE the test. I don't have anything to sell that is worth anything. I also don't have anything LEFT, that I can't do with out. So....Where does that leave me?

With a VERY sad, and upset wife...and no way to make her feel better. FML
 
Are you sure it wasn't just an accounting error? Have you talked to the payroll person about it? Of course it's upsetting, but it seems a bit rash to just assume you were being screwed on purpose, and to up and leave. I hope you pursue them for the money you are owed!!!

Even if it was an accounting error, most shops would take their own sweet time, paying what is owed. Flat-rate guys get stuck like this sometimes. Most of the journeyman trades know this, and find another job. Hence,..'journeymen' ;)

*****


TL how soon does she need to take the test ? Is this something that is offered on a regular basis, or only once or twice a year ?

If you have some time,...relax, and see what comes up as far as options.
 
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