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  #1  
Old 01-10-2013, 09:48 PM
Centauress Centauress is offline
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Default Hello and thank you

Firstly, thank you for this forum. I didn't even know there was such a thing as polyamory until recently. I don't feel like I'm so weird now or that my husband and I's overall view of relationships, sex and love is out of place in a wider world.

We're pretty typical for a couple creeping closer to 40 every day (family, career, kids, house, ect). We've been married for nearly 12 years and we deviate from the 'norm' in our past experiences with opening up our marriage to various degrees in the past. Three years ago we experimented with swinging and had overall positive experiences and met some really nice people. We didn't pursue that lifestyle because my husband and I are not very into casual sex (and weren't even when single) and found that we would much prefer an actual relationship to be there to some degree in order for things to feel right.

Two years ago I had a friendship that had crossed into 'intimate' territory. This wasn't the first time that had happened with me but it was the first time since I was married. My husband knew and didn't have any issues with the relationship. My husband has always known that I'm a little different and we've talked often over the years about various scenarios.

I started looking around online because I was curious if there were other people out there who shared a similar mindset. One that says you can love more than one person and have that relationship add to your life and to the ones who love you closest. The stories and posts on this site are a great inspiration and I'm glad to have stumbled across it, especially as so much of what I was finding had more to do with polygamy and its failures. Was a tad disheartening.

I look forward to "lurking" a bit more, reading a bit more and hopefully coming to a fuller understanding of my own feelings.
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  #2  
Old 01-11-2013, 09:22 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Hi Centauress,
Welcome to our forum.

Polyamory unfortunately kind of has "polygamy" attached to it at the hip, and polygamy does indeed have a bad reputation. It has long struck me as odd that polygamy (which should be called "polygyny") allows multiple wives but not multiple husbands. This thought is what kind of got me started on my own journey to discovering and accepting polyamory.

I think you will find this a good site with a positive take on polyamory, and many good links and resources. Take full advantage of it, read the various threads that call to you, and post any thoughts or questions that you have.

It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship with each other, and are very accepting of each other. That's a great thing to hear, and it will be of a lot of help to you on the road ahead.

Pleased to meet you and have you here,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-11-2013, 09:47 PM
Centauress Centauress is offline
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Thank you. I've always thought the same thing about polygamy. Usually with the follow up thoughts of, "Even though polygamy isn't socially acceptable in the mainstream it doesn't cause the same kind of recoil reaction that happens when you hear of instances of a woman with two men in spousal capacities." Kind of makes you shake your head.

My husband is a wonderful man and I gush about about him probably more than I should. Eh, it's love...what can I say?

I will definitely keep looking around and reading. There is so much here that is interesting and I can't wait to discover all the hidden gems.

Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Hi Centauress,
Welcome to our forum.

Polyamory unfortunately kind of has "polygamy" attached to it at the hip, and polygamy does indeed have a bad reputation. It has long struck me as odd that polygamy (which should be called "polygyny") allows multiple wives but not multiple husbands. This thought is what kind of got me started on my own journey to discovering and accepting polyamory.

I think you will find this a good site with a positive take on polyamory, and many good links and resources. Take full advantage of it, read the various threads that call to you, and post any thoughts or questions that you have.

It sounds like you and your husband have a great relationship with each other, and are very accepting of each other. That's a great thing to hear, and it will be of a lot of help to you on the road ahead.

Pleased to meet you and have you here,
Sincerely,
Kevin T.
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  #4  
Old 01-12-2013, 08:08 PM
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kdt26417 kdt26417 is offline
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Re:
Quote:
"'Even though polygamy isn't socially acceptable in the mainstream it doesn't cause the same kind of recoil reaction that happens when you hear of instances of a woman with two men in spousal capacities.' Kind of makes you shake your head."
Heh, I should know, I'm in an MFM situation. Also it's ironic that cheating is generally treated with less recoil than polyamory. It's gonna take awhile for people to wrap their minds around this thing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
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Old 01-12-2013, 10:03 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kdt26417 View Post
Re:


Heh, I should know, I'm in an MFM situation. Also it's ironic that cheating is generally treated with less recoil than polyamory. It's gonna take awhile for people to wrap their minds around this thing.

Regards,
Kevin T.
I know, right? I mean, they still look down on the cheater... but they sympathize with the wife/husband being cheated on.

But when they find out that you're actually "allowing" your spouse be with another person??!? "How can you let him do that! He's abusing you! He's manipulating you! He's using you!" ... "Actually, no he isn't. No more than I'm abusing, manipulating, and using him."

I think it's also more socially acceptable for men to cheat than women. Men are considered as just being unable to help themselves. People like to think of women and prim and proper and unable to do any wrong, so it really rocks the boat when a woman cheats on her husband.
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Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"A real relationship doesn't properly begin until the NRE burns away. That's when you have to start dealing with this person as an all-around human being, replete with irritating little habits. When disillusion sets in, love can begin."
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  #6  
Old 01-12-2013, 11:07 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Centauress View Post
"Even though polygamy isn't socially acceptable in the mainstream it doesn't cause the same kind of recoil reaction that happens when you hear of instances of a woman with two men in spousal capacities."
This has actually NOT been my experience - in my personal reactions, or other people's reactions directed at me.

For me, when I read/hear of a situation of a man with multiple women, I am immediately on guard and looking for hints that some sort of "religious oppression" (or harem-building) type of polygyny/polygamy is occurring. Precisely because it is more common. I want to be re-assured that this is not the case and that all the female participants have their own "voice" and say in how things are conducted.

Because polyandry is NOT common in most cultures/religions it feels, to me, that it doesn't carry the same baggage. People may not have encountered it before, so they can consider the situation de novo and judge it on it's own merits, without the cultural "baggage" associated with "religious polygamy".

A few of our friends, when they learned of our situation, did express concern that MrS was "really okay" with our arrangement. I felt that this was entirely appropriate (and they would have expressed the same sentiment if the situation was reversed) because they ARE his friends, and they care about him personally. (On the flip side, nobody seemed particularly surprised, these people have known me a LONG time - they know that I am bi and that I have always been interested in "girls on the side" - it was the addition of another MALE partner, and a live-in at that, that was the twist.)

I suppose it depends on what someone's life experiences and exposures up to that point have been...

JaneQ
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Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #7  
Old 01-13-2013, 06:32 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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I think it's worth mentioning that not all women in religious polygamy are oppressed, either. Sure, they may have chosen a different path if they'd grown up in a different environment. The same can be said of anyone, can it not? But there are women out there who really do enjoy the "sister wife" arrangement, and prefer stereotypical women's roles and men's roles. I think it's just as oppressive to tell these women "You're not allowed to choose your marriage arrangement and let your husband make all your decisions."

I wasn't born yet, but I've been told that during the beginning of the women's movement, a lot of stay-at-home-moms were frowned upon by "feminists" because they were perpetuating women's roles and oppression. That cannot be further from the truth. Feminism means women have the right to choose how they live their life. If they choose to be a home-maker, with dinner ready at 6 and the kids cleaned and letting hubby make all the financial decisions for the family, and they can find a husband who's on board with all of that, then more power to them.

Now, 14-year-old girls being forced to become 6th wife to 55-year-old men? Obviously a different story.
__________________
Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"A real relationship doesn't properly begin until the NRE burns away. That's when you have to start dealing with this person as an all-around human being, replete with irritating little habits. When disillusion sets in, love can begin."
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  #8  
Old 01-13-2013, 07:35 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
I think it's worth mentioning that not all women in religious polygamy are oppressed, either. Sure, they may have chosen a different path if they'd grown up in a different environment. The same can be said of anyone, can it not? But there are women out there who really do enjoy the "sister wife" arrangement, and prefer stereotypical women's roles and men's roles. I think it's just as oppressive to tell these women "You're not allowed to choose your marriage arrangement and let your husband make all your decisions."

I wasn't born yet, but I've been told that during the beginning of the women's movement, a lot of stay-at-home-moms were frowned upon by "feminists" because they were perpetuating women's roles and oppression. That cannot be further from the truth. Feminism means women have the right to choose how they live their life. If they choose to be a home-maker, with dinner ready at 6 and the kids cleaned and letting hubby make all the financial decisions for the family, and they can find a husband who's on board with all of that, then more power to them.

Now, 14-year-old girls being forced to become 6th wife to 55-year-old men? Obviously a different story.
To be quite clear - I do not disagree with you at all. BUT when I see a situation that fits a "religious polygamy" model my gut instinct is to MAKE SURE that the women have, in fact, chosen this for THEMSELVES. The same with women who choose to stay home and take care of kids/home/etc.

I'm just saying that, historically, women have not always been "given" that choice - it was made for them. So when I see a model where there could be coercion - I question it. I'm not questioning THEIR choice, I question whether it WAS a choice.

For the record: My husband chooses to stay home, take care of the house, shop and make dinner and let me make all of the financial decisions. Nobody, or very few, would think that he does this through anything but his own choosing - because there is not the historical precedent of forcing men into that "role".

Humanism means that people have a right to choose how to live their lives.

Jane("I'm-a-feminist-because-I-am-a-humanist")Q
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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  #9  
Old 01-13-2013, 08:00 PM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JaneQSmythe View Post
To be quite clear - I do not disagree with you at all. BUT when I see a situation that fits a "religious polygamy" model my gut instinct is to MAKE SURE that the women have, in fact, chosen this for THEMSELVES. The same with women who choose to stay home and take care of kids/home/etc.
Fair enough and good idea.

I don't actually run into either of those situations very often, so it's not something I've given any thought to.
__________________
Gralson: my husband. Auto: my girlfriend.
Zoffee: Auto's husband. Cue: Zoffee's boyfriend. Bookie: Cue's wife.

"A real relationship doesn't properly begin until the NRE burns away. That's when you have to start dealing with this person as an all-around human being, replete with irritating little habits. When disillusion sets in, love can begin."
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  #10  
Old 01-13-2013, 09:40 PM
JaneQSmythe JaneQSmythe is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post
Fair enough and good idea.

I don't actually run into either of those situations very often, so it's not something I've given any thought to.
Thank you. Several years ago this came up in my immediate family so it is something that I am attuned to (not the polygamy part but the "religious definition of marriage" part). My sister was getting married, and, although her husband-to-be seemed to be okay from what I could tell (although not my cup of tea) there were some religious "implications" that made the rest of us uneasy. (My father actually asked me to talk to my sister to make SURE that this wasn't some "brain-washing cult" sort of thing.) We had a SIX-HOUR conversation about what her religion and marriage meant to her - I was reassured that she was entering into this with "eyes-wide-open" and of her own free choice - HER choice. She is free to make whatever choices she sees fit in her own life - as a "protective older sister" I am free to express my concerns and ask questions...It's all good. They have been married for 10 years and raising some amazing kids (albeit, NOT the way that I would do it, but it is not MY life...)

JaneQ
__________________
Me: poly bi female, in an "open-but-not-looking" Vee-plus with -
MrS: hetero polyflexible male, live-in husband (together 21+ yrs)
Dude: hetero poly male, live-in boyfriend (together 3 yrs) and MrS's best friend
Lotus: poly bi female, "it's complicated" relationships with Dude/JaneQ/MrS; married to TT, poly male
VV and MsJ: bi-women with male primaries, LTR LDR FWBs to JaneQ


My poly blogs on this site:
The Journey of JaneQSmythe
The Notebook of JaneQSmythe
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