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  #21  
Old 09-13-2010, 06:43 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by researching View Post
hubby did made the mistake early on of going right back to a full work schedule (which was 14-16 hours days for him at that time) and it did not end well, so he has been much better since. The worst damage from that period has been repaired for some time now, and we're working on patching over the remaining cracks. I think on my part that petty resentments do build up faster than they used to because of it, but we have discussed this many times and he's good about backing off when he realizes he's tromping on thin ice.
.....
So, he is not the most hands-on dad in the world, but not useless either
okay, more info here. hubby working too late, getting back on track to something that works... and he isn't as much of a hands on dad as you expected.

I think when kids come along we really SEE how a partner really is. It's all very well to think they are awesome before hand, but they become incredibly not after child birth. Not that it's their fault. They and we are just not ready for the trauma of it all. I really think that the first 5 years are the most crucial not only for the child but the parents also. Children do a lot of growing and becoming themselves then and so do parents... after that things slow down, more independence happens and life finds a routine. Sometimes that is when parents break up, because there seem to be a long haul ahead of shit that isn't wanted at that point after the dust settles. And then there is parents that break up after kids leave home, because there is the surprise of having to live ones life with someone that isn't close anymore because of years of child rearing. Really, I'm surprised any relationship survives child rearing and I really think that those that do are miraculous.
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  #22  
Old 09-14-2010, 02:08 AM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Researching, darling. You're sacrificing yourself for his happiness. Let me tell you what happens when I (habitually) do this for my husband. He gets MAD. He feels like I'm pushing him away, that I don't want him, and that I can't be trusted to make my own decisions because I'm like a lemming--I *must* throw myself on a sword, any sword, to make him happy.

I don't know why no one has come out and warned you about this, but typically things go badly when someone turns to poly to fix their marriage. It's not a cure. It makes things harder. However, the most wonderful thing about poly is the communication skills you learn, which actually do help marriages in trouble.

I'm trying very hard to remember all the things I learned when I was trying desperately to fix my sex life. In my case, it was the opposite--I have a HIGH libido, and Easy doesn't--but most of the material out there deals with your situation and not mine. It's really not unusual to lose your sex drive, as you've seen from all of the other posters. It is certainly because of many factors. Another one I would put forward is, how is your connection to your husband? Do you feel alienated from him, isolated, resentful? You can love someone and still resent things about them. Work on your connection. One thing I remember being put forward to help a flagging sex drive is to put time aside just for touching, with NO SEX at the end--agree on that beforehand. Just enjoy each other's bodies and company. Oh yeah, and try to do some talking, just about things you enjoy. Sex isn't just about sex--well maybe in some relationships, but you get my point, right? You need to connect to your partner and understand that he's connected to you.

I recommend reading The Five Love Languages and figuring out what makes you feel loved, because it sounds like you desperately need to get some loving reinforcement. Your library should have it, and it can be a quick read. Just skim it if you have time for nothing else. Also, I did a LOT of reading. I would suggest reading at least one book on polyamory--for example, if you find The Ethical Slut horrifying and upsetting, poly is probably not going to work for you. Reading books on polyamory will also help you learn more communication skills. I believe that I found the self-help books I read by googling "low sex drive book" or something like that. Just toss out the words that are in your head about what the problem is, then go to Amazon and read the reviews to find what's interesting. Never forget that the library is a free resource and will let you check out all of the books that you want.
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  #23  
Old 09-23-2010, 09:04 AM
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DrunkenPorcupine DrunkenPorcupine is offline
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This forums is about discussing polyamory. The focus here is very often on relationships with other people, especially more than one other person.

I'm not sure if it's neglected, or if it's a given that's never mentioned, but the first and primary relationship must always be with yourself. No relationship works well without you knowing yourself. And given the added complexity of open relationships, jumping into that without an understanding of yourself will lead to disaster quite a bit faster than maintaining a mono relationship without that understanding, but I'm pretty sure the result will be the same either way. Relationships can't build and snowball without two people bringing things to the table.

And I'm not accusing you of bringing nothing to the table, quite the opposite. But if you don't know what it is you're bringing, it's impossible to build from it.

It sounds like you've got issues surrounding sex as well as physical barriers to a strong libido. I'd suggest working on those first, to be true to yourself.

I'd also suggest talking to your husband honestly. Write it down first if you need to. I've confused sex and closeness before and he might be as well. Perhaps he might find some peace and even more patience by understanding flat out that your lack of desire for sex isn't a rejection of him. Hopefully, this will open the door for you to express and explore what it is you're feeling, which might help you deal with the aforementioned issues.
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  #24  
Old 09-23-2010, 11:58 AM
TruckerPete TruckerPete is offline
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Originally Posted by Derbylicious View Post
For what it's worth I don't know that it's the right time to be speaking of opening your marriage. It sounds to me like you are still doing a lot of work on yourself and your sex drive. The biggest thing that stood out for me was the 2 miscarriages. I think your brain may have linked sex to pregnancy to pregnancy loss. See what happens once you get the IUD in and sex can just be recreational again.
Extremely insightful. Agreed.
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  #25  
Old 09-26-2010, 03:15 AM
StitchwitchD StitchwitchD is offline
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Originally Posted by vodkafan View Post
This is a tough one. I don't know enough about poly yet so maybe I shouldn't even be answering.... but it sounds like your marriage is pretty strong in all other areas.
I think what might happen is that intially you will be quite happy that his sexual needs are being met; but that when you will feel threatened is if you see any signs that he is enjoying an emotional relationship with the new partner..
Yeah, that's kind of what happened in a situation I was in- they'd had a great sex life when they got together, then she had a baby. They'd always had an open marriage, then he started having sex with me, and we had a hard time keeping our hands off each other and she just wasn't interested, so he was having way more sex with me, but kept going on about how he was really most interested in having sex with her. She felt jealous, and I felt like I was just a handy spare vagina since he didn't have much access to hers. Eventually, I asked to take a break to work through the issues, and after a year of her avoiding the issues, I finally gave up and got over him. Their sex life is completely dead, he still complains about it, and she seems to keep giving him false hope that things will go back to NRE. Getting me involved didn't make things better for them, and ending things with me just hurt me, it didn't fix their problem. I'm not sure what would work, but breaking someone else's heart is a sucky way of dealing with sexual incompatibility.
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