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Old 09-11-2010, 11:43 PM
researching researching is offline
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Thanks for so many replies, folks. Very much appreciated!

Regarding possible medical causes for the low sex drive, I haven't had a full workover done, but basic blood tests didn't find anything abnormal. I know a few of the psychological issues that are contributing (and yes, lack of couple time is one of them - in addition to the early bird 4 year old, we've got a night owl sister-in-law and her 13 and 6 year old sons in the bedroom across the hall), but don't have an immediate fix for them. The sister-in-law tries to go visit other relatives as often as possible, but she and the boys have school, so it's usually only weekends they can get away, and sometimes not even then. They will be with us a couple more years at least. We also sometimes send our daughter to visit her grandparents, and all three of them love that, but it's not something we can do every day!

I am looking into getting an IUD, which may help with another of the underlying psychological problems - I've had two miscarriages (after our daughter was born) and now is a bad time for another kid even if I were prepared to deal with the possibility of that again, which I'm not.

Regarding his opinion, I have brought the possibility up briefly during angsty heart-to-hearts over this problem, but it's not something we've sat down and discussed seriously. His reaction so far has been mixed. He's had open relationships in the past, but only two were more than short flings or friends-with-benefits situations, and even those two were just a couple years apiece. It has been a long-time fantasy of his to have a threesome with me and another woman (he's had several with previous girlfriends and enjoyed them), and he often pretends there's someone else in bed with us, but "she" always disappears at the end. Ultimately, it is me he wants. I guess I'm just afraid that if this keeps up, it will start driving a permanent wedge between us. As I said in my original post, he's been very patient, but I can see he's frustrated and sometimes hurt by being turned down so often.

redpepper and magdlyn, thanks for sharing about your recoveries from this problem - it's comforting to know there's still hope!

vodkafan and MonoVCPHG, thanks for the warnings. I do think you're right that seeing him sharing an emotional (romantic) connection with another woman would be much more devastating than a physical one. He's certainly been capable of casual sexual relationships and one night stands - he had many in college - but maybe less so now. You've definitely given me food for thought.

Last edited by researching; 09-11-2010 at 11:44 PM. Reason: clarifying detail
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Old 09-12-2010, 01:13 AM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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well there you go, more info... sister-in-law, early rising child, two miscarriages. You are being hard on yourself I think! That is a lot to sort out first. At least you have a babysitter close by! Perhaps she will look after your child for a weekend...?

I had a miscarriage at 4 months in and it was devastating. I don't care who is out there that says I should just shrug it off and think it shouldn't effect me. For someone who connects easily and deeply with others my girl child was no different. I can completely understand how this could cause some later sex issues.

It sounds like there are a few things to do before the idea of welcoming another into your life. A good conversation and a plan of how you are going to progress would be good to start. Making a list and doing it and seeing what happens would be a first before introducing another into your life.
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Old 09-12-2010, 01:17 AM
vodkafan vodkafan is offline
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Hi Researching, the more I read the more I think that poly would be wrong for you.
I don't think it is surprising at all that your libido is low with all those other concerms you have with people in your house and all the kids.
Here's a little snippet from my married life: after one of our children was born , many years back, my wife went through this and we had sex only about 4 times in one year (yes I was counting)
I was frustrated. But guess what? I didn't die. And we stayed married.
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Old 09-12-2010, 03:40 AM
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SchrodingersCat SchrodingersCat is offline
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You mention your husband being patient, which is good. But how much help does he give you with raising your child? I've heard of a lot of new moms feeling alone in child-rearing, and that it can also have an effect on their sex lives.

I'll wager that if your husband still has energy for daily sex, then he hasn't been chasing 4-year-olds all day!! It's 2010, and gone are the days of "Dad's job is to bring home the bacon and then come home and put his feet up and be taken care of by Darling Wife after she's been taking care of kids all day."

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I had a miscarriage at 4 months in and it was devastating. I don't care who is out there that says I should just shrug it off and think it shouldn't effect me.
People have the gall to say that to you? That's horrible! Of course it should affect you! Having a miscarriage is losing a child, and that's the hardest thing anyone can go through.
As I am sure any cat owner will be able to tell you,
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Old 09-12-2010, 12:40 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Originally Posted by SchrodingersCat View Post

I'll wager that if your husband still has energy for daily sex, then he hasn't been chasing 4-year-olds all day!! It's 2010, and gone are the days of "Dad's job is to bring home the bacon and then come home and put his feet up and be taken care of by Darling Wife after she's been taking care of kids all day."
I've complained about this before. I was a stay at home, homeschooling mom. My husband would get up on a weekday, eat breakfast and drink coffee unmolested, shit shower and shave... alone! And head out to work. Meanwhile, I'd be nursing the baby, feeding the older ones, breaking up fights, getting them dressed, while my coffee went cold and I was unfed.

Then my ex would have his commute, enjoy music, news or a book on tape in the car, work, often eat lunch out with his co-workers. Thai food! While I was lucky to go to McDonalds w the kids from time to time. Actually he also wanted me to pack his lunch if he didnt have restaurant plans. He'd get all resentful that I didnt really have time to make him a lunch with all the other things I had to do in the mornings.

He'd get home at 8PM, I'd give him 20 mins to go to the bathroom and eat the nutritious delicious dinner I'd cooked. Sometimes I'd have to start cooking dinner right after lunch to get it done before baby meltdown period around 4-7. Then he'd rile the kids up with active games for an hour. Maybe he'd help w baths and pjs and stories after that, to calm them down, maybe not. Quite often he'd have to work late and not be home to help with bedtime at all.

Once they were all asleep, he'd want sex??? I'd be totally touched out and exhausted more often that not. If he'd brought me home some pad thai and did a load of laundry, or something, on a regular basis, when he got home, maybe things wouldve been different.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

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Pixi (poly, F, 40) my darling nesting partner since January 2009
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Last edited by Magdlyn; 09-12-2010 at 12:54 PM.
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Old 09-12-2010, 12:47 PM
NeonKaos NeonKaos is offline
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Wow Mags. Talk about a "stereotype" that has a basis in REALITY. I've never had to go through that and don't wish it on anyone, but I don't need first-hand experience to be able to tell when something has the ring of truth.
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Old 09-12-2010, 12:50 PM
researching researching is offline
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SchrodingersCat (love the name!), hubby did made the mistake early on of going right back to a full work schedule (which was 14-16 hours days for him at that time) and it did not end well, so he has been much better since. The worst damage from that period has been repaired for some time now, and we're working on patching over the remaining cracks. I think on my part that petty resentments do build up faster than they used to because of it, but we have discussed this many times and he's good about backing off when he realizes he's tromping on thin ice.

So, he is not the most hands-on dad in the world, but not useless either, and in between him, his sister, and the older nephew, I actually have quite a bit of help around the house. Even the two little ones pitch in. Younger nephew was a bit spoiled when he first moved in and we have been disabusing him of the notion that other people exist to serve him. :P

Anyway, though, I think you guys are talking me out of trying this, certainly for right now. I need to work on my insecurity more before I'd feel comfortable allowing anyone but a faceless one-night-stand in his life and my vague hope that some NRE (if I can find it) might help pick my sex drive back up is kind of hypocritical. Thank you so much for all your thoughts. You've really helped me think through the implications of this a lot more clearly.
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Old 09-12-2010, 02:35 PM
GroundedSpirit GroundedSpirit is offline
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Hi Researching and welcome !

First, I agree with the overall sentiment of most of the respondents so far that opening a marriage, considering poly etc should not be looked at as a solution for your current problem.

Next, as others have mentioned, it's very common, bordering on 'normal' (whatever that is ?) for new mothers to lose some to all of their sex drive. The focus (mentally, emotionally) is on the child now. It's largely a biological thing.

BUT (big but here) you have at least identified this as a problem - and it IS ! A potentially serious one ! Sex is an important part of being human and maybe more-so for men at some points. Sexual difficulties are probably the single largest reason problems start to develop in relationships. There's lots of others but this seems the most common starting point. From there all manner of things that can follow but often it started here.

But it's not all about HIS needs either ! It's about yours too. You are a sexual creature and sexuality is important to your own well being. It's a great mood stabilizer, good for your heart, good for your self esteem and just plain good in general !

Pregnancy, childbirth, all that goes with that, brings hormonal shock but a lot of it is between the ears. It's natural for this little one to seem to demand all the priorities but I think that you should realize that having a loving, close family (or lack of) will present much more danger to him/her long term !

I highly recommend getting back on the sexual wagon as soon as possible. Do whatever works for you to get there. Get back to masturbating as much as possible and let all the erotic/kinky images play through your head. If you like things like porn, make time to watch together. Think about fantasies you may have had and talk about them. Work towards fulfilling them. In short, try to put some focus on sexual thoughts. It won't be long and your body should follow naturally. Think about it as just one of the numerous things that's really important to building the relationship you want with your SO .

Good for you, good for him, and good for everyone else your lives touch !

You can do it

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Old 09-12-2010, 04:21 PM
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Derbylicious Derbylicious is offline
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For what it's worth I don't know that it's the right time to be speaking of opening your marriage. It sounds to me like you are still doing a lot of work on yourself and your sex drive. The biggest thing that stood out for me was the 2 miscarriages. I think your brain may have linked sex to pregnancy to pregnancy loss. See what happens once you get the IUD in and sex can just be recreational again.

Bringing in somone else to a relationship tends to magnify issues that you're having in your relationship. Poly is a lot of work, it will bring up everything that has ever been a concern for you. Since you have already identified your lack of sex drive as an issue and are working on it, I would wait until either you have your sex drive back or you aren't feeling insecure about your lack of sex drive before having the serious conversation about opening your marriage.

Everything will be ok in the end. If it's not ok it's not the end.
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Old 09-12-2010, 08:16 PM
Tonberry Tonberry is offline
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I agree with Derby. I feel you need to make a relationship work before you add more people to it - be it a poly relationship or, for instance, having children. Any issue gets only worse when there are more people involved.

I'm afraid it would be a bandaid solution that would make you miserable in the long run, so I would definitely encourage you to find other solutions to your problems if you can.
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