Polyamory.com Forum  

Go Back   Polyamory.com Forum > Polyamory > General Poly Discussions

Notices

Reply
 
Thread Tools Display Modes
  #1  
Old 09-18-2015, 06:15 PM
MrsBrightside MrsBrightside is offline
Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 73
Default Metamour relationships

Tell me your metamour stories, struggles, successes!

What kind of meta relationships do you prefer, BFFs or just on casual acquaintance terms? Have you ever had a meta cross the line/boundary with you in some way, how did you handle it? Have you ever had a meta that you just didn't like or get along with, how do you deal with it while your partner continued to date them? What are some meta 'red flags' for you?
Reply With Quote
  #2  
Old 09-18-2015, 06:44 PM
PinkPig's Avatar
PinkPig PinkPig is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 648
Default

Quote:
Originally Posted by ofredandblue View Post
Tell me your metamour stories, struggles, successes!

What kind of meta relationships do you prefer, BFFs or just on casual acquaintance terms? Have you ever had a meta cross the line/boundary with you in some way, how did you handle it? Have you ever had a meta that you just didn't like or get along with, how do you deal with it while your partner continued to date them? What are some meta 'red flags' for you?
I've had 3 metamours with my current partner. The most recent metamour was the shortest relationship of the three. We met, were friendly, but really had nothing in common outside of our shared partner. Her/my partner's relationship fizzled out after a couple months.

I clicked really well with the metamour prior to that. She & I became friends outside of our shared partner quickly... and we eventually ended up in a closed triad. It was a really beautiful picture of how poly can work. She's since moved away.

My first metamour was an acquaintance prior to my dating our shared partner. They'd been dating for awhile. We were friendly until I started dating our partner (with her knowledge and consent.) She had mental health issues and things got crazy quickly. She harassed me on social media, called and text me all hours of the night. It was horrible. I finally ended things with my partner because of the drama...unfortunately, that didn't work and she continued to harass me even after I broke up with him, and still after he broke up with her.

I'm a fan of kitchen table style poly so I'd prefer to know/be friendly with my metamours and have my partners know/be friendly with one another.
Reply With Quote
  #3  
Old 09-18-2015, 06:46 PM
Inyourendo Inyourendo is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: Crazytown USA
Posts: 1,885
Default

well my husband isn't poly, but he enjoys sex with others so he has either fwb or fuck buddies. over the years many of his lovers were friends of mine already so of course i liked them and enjoyed fun group outings, sometimes there would be many of us together that had sex with him currently or in the past.

seems that most of the people that he met for hook ups i have either not met or when I did meet didnt really care for. Last summer Nate dated a woman briefly, i had met her at a huge event in town and she didnt like me and while i didnt have any chemistry with her I didnt have issues until nate told me some things that she said that were negative about me.

Another woman that he started sleeping with last fall and had started having sex with again after several months of not talking, I didnt like. it wasn't her fault, it was the fact that nate had started being disrespectful to me when he started seeing her and ignoring my boundaries and that really triggered me because of a cowgirl experience i had with my ex plus the fact that the birth control i was taking was making me nuts. when he started seeing her again I made the effort to meet her (i had previously a few times before they started seeing each other and already determined that she wasn't friends material) because i wanted to get over the hard feelings I had for her. After the outing I decided that I didn't want to hang out with her again, not that there's anything wrong with her but because she isn't the type of person i care for.

Nate met a woman named jane a few years back on meetme and he asked my bestie to get her a job so she moved here and lived with my best friend. the fact that we worked in the same industry and that she lived with my best friend meant that we had a lot of time together. we became good friends and over the years she's spent many many nights with us, we did a lot of group stuff with our kids, and quite honestly she became a best friend to me. she and i were much closer than nate and her. she and I had a friendship and nate and her pretty much only hung out when i invited her along. she's decided she didn't want to be friends with nate but she and i still are.

ultimately if nate met someone and I clicked with them and they wanted to be friends with me that's great. if he met someone I didn't like then i wouldn't care because i would never have to be around them if i didnt choose to. it's up to me the level of involvement i would have with a metamore, i choose who comes into my home and who doesn't
Reply With Quote
  #4  
Old 09-18-2015, 06:58 PM
KC43 KC43 is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 1,729
Default

Until I started seeing Boots, I'd never had a metamour. My two previous boyfriends weren't polyamorous, and as stated in my signature, Hubby is monogamous. (I'm not calling the boyfriends monogamous; one enjoyed sex with other people but usually stuck to one-time encounters with them, and the other... who the hell knows. He sure doesn't.)

Hubby's been the one with metamours until now. He and I met Guy the same night, and Hubby and Guy considered each other friends even though they were only around each other a couple of times and rarely communicated. Hubby and S2 respected each other, but for some reason S2 tended to set off Hubby's "alpha male" behavior the few times they were together (which only happened three times: the night I introduced them, the day Alt finished cosmetology school, and Country's end-of-year school banquet). Hubby and S2 didn't have any other contact besides those three times.

I've only met my metamour, Glow, once, and that was just a few days ago. But Boots had told each of us quite a bit about each other, and we got along very well. I told her that one of my biggest worries about meeting her had been that she would think I wasn't good enough for Boots (she's helped him through a very rough time and is protective of him), and she said that even if she thought that, she would never interfere in any other relationship any of her partners had unless she thought it was either unhealthy or abusive, and even at that she would only express her opinion and wouldn't try to tell her partner what to do. When I met Boots for lunch yesterday, he said Glow told him she thought I was a good person and liked meeting me, so that's a plus.

I don't anticipate much interaction with Glow and her other partner Shine, but at least I know if it happens, it'll go smoothly. Glow and Shine work hard to minimize drama in their polycule, and they try to make sure those who have contact with each other can get along, if not become actual friends.

I've spoken to Boots and Hubby about them meeting, and they're both okay with the idea, so it's just a matter of setting it up. I think they'll probably get along, but I also know, because of how Hubby is, that they most likely won't have any contact after they meet.

Last edited by KC43; 09-18-2015 at 07:07 PM.
Reply With Quote
  #5  
Old 09-18-2015, 09:54 PM
vinsanity0's Avatar
vinsanity0 vinsanity0 is offline
Spaminator
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 817
Default

I'm not sure if I have a preference. I do know I like to have some alone time. I still haven't met any of Sprite's guys. I think Elle used me a couple of times to make some guys jealous. Cat prefers to keep us all separate.
Reply With Quote
  #6  
Old 09-18-2015, 11:37 PM
kdt26417's Avatar
kdt26417 kdt26417 is online now
Official Greeter
 
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Yelm, Washington
Posts: 12,668
Default

I'm in a closed V so I just have one metamour, Brother-Husband. We don't have tons and tons in common but we get along pretty well. Sometimes we watch TV together, Californication is our favorite show currently.

In the early years of our V, 2006 to 2008 or so, I struggled with my relationships with both Brother-Husband and Snowbunny. I was paranoid that he (the lawful/legal husband) would veto me, and maybe he thought I would veto him, who knows. Things got better little by little. It helped that I had my own place to live for awhile.
__________________
Love means never having to say, "Put down that meat cleaver!"
Reply With Quote
  #7  
Old 09-18-2015, 11:56 PM
AutumnLeaves AutumnLeaves is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Sep 2015
Location: Midwest USA
Posts: 522
Default

I feel like I'd need to be able to talk to my metamour at least. I'm not sure I could do DADT poly without feeling threatened. I'm the least threatened by what I know. And I'd like to be able to talk directly about things that affect us or problems I might have without having to go through my hinge.

Guitarist doesn't have sex buddies, but if he did I'd feel less inclined to want to meet them or have much to do with them.
__________________
"I am a leaf on the wind, watch how I soar."

I have a blog over here, starring:
Me (panromantic demisexual 30-something)
Guitarist (my husband, who occasionally blogs here; boyfriend of Spice)
Flame (my long-term flirty friend/thing)
Raven (my friend with cuddle benefits)
Reply With Quote
  #8  
Old 09-24-2015, 06:10 PM
LizziE LizziE is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Location: The Frosty Northeast
Posts: 297
Default

My longest-term metamour is Lora, my partner Jon's ex. I think she has dependent personality disorder, and she was verbally and emotionally abusive to Jon. They broke up earlier this year.

My relationship with her started out hopeful, went downhill, went back uphill after a huge throwdown around Christmas 2013, where she admitted that she'd been being really awful and promised to treat Jon better and start getting to know me (she'd been saying that she wanted to get to know me for months, but admitted that she didn't want to, as she was convinced I was out to get Jon, so had been doing her level best to avoid me while proclaiming to want to be my friend), and then went back downhill again last fall when she started being increasingly abusive, controlling and dependent, ending in Jon breaking up with her. By the time Jon broke up with her, I would only speak to her about factual things (like if we had any toilet paper, or where the kitty litter was - we lived together at the time). We were going to have to cease living together, I'd decided. Had Jon continued to date her, we'd have had no contact for at least six months, probably longer, as she got help for her problems (in theory. even though she's still in therapy, I don't see much in the way of signs of her really admitting to having the levels of problems she has or working on herself. she'd rather blame other people).

I really hope to never have another metamour like her again.

My metamour Jared used to be someone who I dated. I dated him and his wife Issi together for about a year and a half, then (at my behest) Jared and I transitioned to a friendship. Issi and I are still dating. He's super-awesome. We have a great relationship, and we're...honestly, probably we're friends first, metamours second. Issi and I have been friends for years, and Jared and I got to be friends about five years ago, so we were friends before lovers, and we're now just better friends than we were before we dated. If I had more time and energy, I'd love to spend more time with him one on one, hanging out, because he is such a cool guy. I really enjoy the emailing that we do back and forth, and I love seeing him whenever I do see him.

I guess I sort of have a third metamour, my love/friend Aaron's wife. Aaron and I are more than FWB, but less than actual dating partners. We live on opposite sides of the country, and don't get nearly enough time to talk/email/etc (one of those "in a perfect world, we'd be so much closer than we are" situations). Aaron and his wife don't quite have a DADT, but she doesn't really have any interest whatesoever in knowing details about his lovers or knowing them at all, so I don't know her at all. That feels kinda weird to me, and I think that, were he and I closer, it would bother me. But as we're not (and there's little chance we would be closer, at least not for years), it's OK the way it is.
__________________

Liz: cis female, 33, bi. life partner Jonathan, also dating Issi
Jonathan: cis male, 30, bi. life partner Liz

Issi: queer, 32, dating Liz, married to Jared
Jared: cis male, 33, straight, married to Issi, formerly dated (and still good friends with) Liz.
Rachel: cis female, 32, bi, life partner Rob, former non-sexual potential life partner to Liz (still good friends)
Lora: cis female, 27, bi, ex-partner of Jon


Reply With Quote
  #9  
Old 09-24-2015, 08:32 PM
Dagferi's Avatar
Dagferi Dagferi is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 1,650
Default

What kind of meta relationships do you prefer, BFFs or just on casual acquaintance terms?

I don't have metamours and prefer not to have metamours, but I have had some in the past. I prefer a casual passing aquatintance.

Have you ever had a meta cross the line/boundary with you in some way, how did you handle it?

Oh yes several times and I cut off the relationship with the person I was dating.

Have you ever had a meta that you just didn't like or get along with, how do you deal with it while your partner continued to date them?

Yes I just ignored their existence she was her partners problem not mine.

What are some meta 'red flags' for you?

Telling me what shape my relationship can take and dictating rules and boundaries heck anything that effects me and my relationship is a huge red flag.
__________________
40 yo straight female
Married in the eyes of the government to Butch since 2001...
Murf my monogamous second husband has been with me since May of 2012.
In a V relationship with an average 50/50 split of time between my two husbands.
Reply With Quote
  #10  
Old 10-16-2015, 04:14 AM
Bunnielight Bunnielight is offline
Senior Member
 
Join Date: Mar 2015
Posts: 176
Default

I thought I would give this thread a bump by sharing my own metamour experience.

Zed and I just began our poly journey back in January. He and Pixie have been together around 4 months now. They fell really hard and fast for each other. It's been wonderful to watch his growth with her and I never want to be anything less than supportive to them.

However, I am quite emotionally reserved and I tend to be very laid back about my time with Zed. Recently, this past Monday, I had a bad day and my usual easygoing demeanor was interrupted by my sudden need for his companionship. I felt very strange about this because I do not like interrupting their relationship and I pride myself in my own independence. Zed, knowing how I am, went and spoke to her on his own to reestablish some boundaries.

The conversation seemed to go quite well because she came by that evening to talk to me and presented me with a gift. A pair of earrings. Beautiful earrings that I would absolutely wear. But it wasn't the earrings that were so special. It is the history behind them. They were made by a very good friend of hers 15 years ago who ended up killing himself about two years later.

She and I bond through her love for him because I also lost a love in my life almost 3 years ago. The gift of these earrings were more than just an apology. They are a token that speaks worlds more than just wardrobe adornment. I couldn't contain myself and immediately started crying. Every part of her gift told me that she understood and I needed nothing else.


The next evening Zed took Pixie and I both out for dinner and I reveled in the compersion. It seemed like Pixie was doing the same because she text me on the way to the restaurant:
"It's so adorable to see him revel in his life."

She and I really enjoyed making him feel special that night and we all ended up co-sleeping considering Dean was out of town on a business trip.


I'm really thankful for my metamour and the level of friendship we seem to have growing before us. I am very glad that Zed has her in his life.
Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT. The time now is 11:28 PM.