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Old 08-18-2011, 01:55 PM
Chrisdavisjr Chrisdavisjr is offline
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Hello, everyone. This is my first post.

I am a 25-year-old male and I've been involved in a polyamorous open relationship for about ten months now. My girlfriend (let's call her 'T') is bisexual and has a girlfriend (let's call her 'G') who also has a girlfriend, I'm not sure exactly how long the 'chain' goes on for.

'T' and 'G' have been together for a number of years but, of late (in the last year or so, I think), their relationship, while healthy and loving, has become non-sexual.

Our relationship is long-distance (she lives in a different part of the country) but we see each other fairly often. As far as I know, I see her more often than she sees 'G' and I've only met 'G' a couple of times although I like her and we seem to get on well enough.

This has been going well enough but I have become confused of late as 'T' has been, on occasion, sleeping with at least two other men in a purely casual way. She tells me that's it's purely casual and that I'm her favourite man and has told me that 'no other man will do' and so on, so I'm not exactly sure why she does this but I suppose we all get horny from time to time and, being a long-distance relationship, I'm not always around.

While I've managed to not feel jealous of them at all, in some ways, I have begun to feel a little jealous of her. While I love her a great deal, I feel as though I should be 'taking advantage', so to speak, of the fact that I am permitted by the nature of our relationship to sleep with others but, for one, I find the idea a little difficult for a number of reasons; I feel almost as though I would be being 'unfaithful' (silly, I know, but hard to shake-off), I feel no similar degree of attraction to other women as I do to 'T' (or, at least, not to many) and I feel that most other women would be unwilling to sleep with a man who is involved in a relationship. I don't want to deceive or hurt anyone; I just want to enjoy myself but I'm not even sure if casual hookups with other women will make me feel any better.

I suppose I just feel strange that 'T' is turning to other men in my absence in spite of the fact that she has explicitly told me that "I'm the best man,".

I'm not entirely sure what I'm getting at. I'm new to all of this (I've never even been involved in a relationship for this long before) and it's all a little strange. Has anyone had similar experiences?
Apologies for rambling.
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Old 08-18-2011, 02:55 PM
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BlackUnicorn BlackUnicorn is offline
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Hello back and welcome!

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrisdavisjr View Post
She tells me that's it's purely casual and that I'm her favourite man and has told me that 'no other man will do' and so on, so I'm not exactly sure why she does this but I suppose we all get horny from time to time and, being a long-distance relationship, I'm not always around.
Hmm, it seems you answered your own question. If her relationship with G is platonic for now, she has no partners who live close by to turn to, right? So yeah, horniness is probably it. Doesn't mean she wants a relationship with them, whereas she obviously wants one with you.

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Originally Posted by Chrisdavisjr View Post
While I've managed to not feel jealous of them at all, in some ways, I have begun to feel a little jealous of her.
Jealous, or envious? The way you describe your feelings sound like envy, which seems to be a fairly common poly problem. I wonder if there's a tag to it.

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Originally Posted by Chrisdavisjr View Post
I just want to enjoy myself but I'm not even sure if casual hookups with other women will make me feel any better.
There is a lot of past discussion on casual sex and how different people view it in poly context. I feel fairly safe to say that if you only want to "catch up with her" as it were, while what you actually want is more time with her (?), then yeah, it probably won't make you feel any better.

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Originally Posted by Chrisdavisjr View Post
I suppose I just feel strange that 'T' is turning to other men in my absence in spite of the fact that she has explicitly told me that "I'm the best man,".
You two seem to have different experiences when it comes to casual sex. It's a bit like a mono/poly situation; two different sexual cultures that may not always understand each other. Ask her what she means when she calls you the best man. The best man she could ever hope to be with? The best man for a long-term relationship? And even if you lived together, she might still seek out more casual connections with other men. It's just a different approach to doing things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Chrisdavisjr View Post
Has anyone had similar experiences?
Yes. Plenty of poly men starting out feel there's this huge discrepancy between women interested in casual sex with men who are in a relationship and men interested in casual sex with women who are in a relationship. I think that in general, straight men have lower standards for sexual partners than straight women do, so it is not something that will necessarily even out over time, and it generates envy.

But envy is like any other negative emotion out there; unless it motivates actions that work to change the situation that brought up that emotion, it's pretty useless to cling to it. If you don't think you really want casual hookups, then let the feeling that you should have them anyway for something to be more equal or to prove something to yourself or to others go.
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Old 08-18-2011, 03:04 PM
Chrisdavisjr Chrisdavisjr is offline
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That's given me a lot to think about. Thank you!
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