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  #11  
Old 09-10-2010, 09:11 PM
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Time will tell though I suppose.
Polynerdist could handle it I'm sure, as could Derby. I would step aside in a heart beat to see you follow all your relationships to where they go naturally...just so you know. He's definitely some one worthy of you We could switch roles!
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  #12  
Old 09-10-2010, 09:19 PM
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Polynerdist could handle it I'm sure, as could Derby. I would step aside in a heart beat to see you follow all your relationships to where they go naturally...just so you know. He's definitely some one worthy of you We could switch roles!
Somehow I don't think she wants you stepping aside though...although I do see what you're saying that if it came to that that you would rather keep yourself healthy and still be able to maintain a non-physical connection with RP. You do know that you really are a one in a million type of guy don't you?
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  #13  
Old 09-10-2010, 09:41 PM
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Ya. Not happening Mono.
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  #14  
Old 09-10-2010, 09:48 PM
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One in a million isn't always a good thing LOL! But you are right on the mark Derby
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Old 09-10-2010, 09:50 PM
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Ya. Not happening Mono.
= think I desreve a little extra beating for that one
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  #16  
Old 09-10-2010, 10:09 PM
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Now, there is something about the way that many people do serial monogamy that means that opposite gender friends get dumped when a new relationship comes along. That sucks, and it's really bad behaviour on the part of those people.

But really, nobody owes us anything in exchange for kindness. If one has a friendship, one is kind to one's friend because one values him or her. One isn't being "used" if that kindness isn't rewarded by resulting in a different kind (or length) of relationship. It's up to us to not do things that we'll resent if the relationship doesn't develop the way that we'd like.
For me personally, I wouldn't exactly feel used. But I would feel undervalued and not very interested in investing further in this friendship.

Just my two cents, no idea if Ari feels used or not.


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  #17  
Old 09-10-2010, 11:01 PM
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There's something here that I find kind of disturbing.
But really, nobody owes us anything in exchange for kindness. ... One isn't being "used" if that kindness isn't rewarded by resulting in a different kind (or length) of relationship.
I've also had the experience of feeling "used" when I become a part of someone's life, only to get dropped when they start a new relationship. It took me a long time to learn "nobody owes us anything in exchange for kindness" and I think that is a really important concept, one that I wish would get more attention in poly discussions.

I've always supported my friends/lovers freedom to pursue the relationships that they wanted in their lives, but along with that has to also come the freedom to pull away from, or outright terminate, those relationships that they no longer want or find fulfilling. Of course this is really tough when the relationship in question is with me!
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  #18  
Old 09-10-2010, 11:22 PM
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Personally, it's the "you're like a boyfriend, but I don't have to fuck you" that resonates wrong with me. It sounds a bit like "I have boyfriends to fill a void and have sex with them because I have to". But it also means "instead of taking what I need and giving sex in return, I take what I need and give nothing in return". Which is why I get the "feeling used" part.

I think when you love someone, you want to make them happy even if you don't get anything in return. But if they seem to treat you without respect... Then yes, feeling used and ending it makes sense.
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  #19  
Old 09-11-2010, 03:58 AM
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Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
= think I desreve a little extra beating for that one
I think you deserve a couple extra!
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  #20  
Old 09-11-2010, 04:01 AM
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I have friends who I love madly who aren't sexual partners.
I have in the past had sexual partners that I wasn't madly in love with as well.

I think it's crappy when two people are in a relationship of ANY status and haven't managed to iron out what level of "input" and "output" they are each interested in having, because it can result in someone feeling shafted.

I was just telling Maca today-one of the reasons that I limit myself so significantly in terms of giving of myself to a relationship is because I need to know "are you in or not". Until I know that you are IN for the long haul-I'm not interested in considering what role you may fill in my life.
If we're still at "I don't know" stage in terms of how long the relationship is going to last, then you aren't even a "friend", you are just an acquaintance and I'm damn sure not interested in sharing my "energy" with you.

...

Does that make any sense?
Sorry-I think I lost logic in my rant.
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